Serious Night Time Depression

[enota]

For the most part, during the day, I can cope pretty well with having a miserable existence. I keep busy, work hard, try to think positive and express gratitude for having a business that is flourishing and profitable.

But, at night, when I am in bed, struggling to sleep, sadness overwhelms me. I feel so alone, so unloved and un-appreciated. I cannot remember a night in a very long time when I didn't soak my pillow with tears and wish that I would not wake up to see another day. Often I will work until complete and utter exhaustion just so that I can fall in bed and, hopefully, go to sleep quickly so I do not have to suffer yet again through another night.

I've always been a supreme cuddler, especially at night. I want to feel safe, and loved and protected and cherished, and those are the very last things I feel, and will ever feel from my husband. Like I said, during the day, it's not much problem, but the nights are hell.

Can anybody offer any coping mechanisms to help? Any tricks that work for them? I have a dog, but she is outside and can't come into the house because I have 5 cats and our house is super tiny and our dog is big. She has a wonderful heated house and a feather duvet to sleep on and is the happiest dog I know, so she is not suffering from lack of human contact. Besides, I spend a lot of time with her to make sure she knows she is loved. Besides dog love is nice, but it can't make up for people love.

Your input?????

[rosarugosa]

I'm so sorry, Enota. This sounds like additional confirmation that you need to make some major life changes. Nobody should feel this lonely and miserable within a marriage.

[Yppej]

Dogs are pack animals and so are people. You both need more human contact.

[razz]

Enota, where it seems that one is surrounded by a deep sense of thick fog, one needs to go to an aerial view above the clouds. One cannot do this alone. Please, please ask for help from someone who will understand and give you the tools to cope and rise above the emotions that you are experiencing.
Big hugs, my dear.

[Tybee]

Enota, where it seems that one is surrounded by a deep sense of thick fog, one needs to go to an aerial view above the clouds. One cannot do this alone. Please, please ask for help from someone who will understand and give you the tools to cope and rise above the emotions that you are experiencing.
Big hugs, my dear.
+1

[SteveinMN]

+2

Additionally, I was in a somewhat similar position in my first marriage when counseling indicated that we weren't going to make it. I didn't want the house we lived in so I was willing to move out, but I wasn't ready to move that day or even that week.

What got me through that interim was paying special attention to the good things that happened in my life (big work task accomplished, the fall colors on the way home from work, lunch with friends, whatever) and planning for my "next life". I got a post office box and started forwarding my mail there. I thought about which neighborhood or city I wanted to live in and what form that place would take (someone's basement, apartment, sublet condo, house,...). I made a list of what items I wanted to take with me (a draft of the division of assets document). I asked trusted friends about who I should hire as my lawyer. I joined a Usenet group for divorced or soon-to-be-divorced people. The point is that I started planning my future and I saw that future as a good one (even if the road there was going to be really bumpy).

I firmly believe that pain is not a stopping point. If your marriage does not and cannot meet your needs (again, some professional outside of the situation will be helpful here), then either you consign yourself to the changes you need to make to stay or you start making moves to leave. I know you related in your earlier post that there are some big challenges to consider (pets, etc.) but you're at a crossroads here and apparently standing where you are is not a safe place (emotionally) for you to stand.

[Baldilocks]

First I want to say I'm very sorry about your situation. Two things that help me to cope in my situation are faith in Jesus (Going to church, bible reading, worship and prayer) and exercise that I enjoy. (Ice skating, Rollerblading and cycling) The music at my church is contemporary, the people care about each other and there is a message of hope, love and victory. Skating and cycling makes me feel like a 51 year old kid. I believe they both help me to deal with stress and on going disappointment.

[catherine]

I firmly believe that pain is not a stopping point. If your marriage does not and cannot meet your needs (again, some professional outside of the situation will be helpful here), then either you consign yourself to the changes you need to make to stay or you start making moves to leave. I know you related in your earlier post that there are some big challenges to consider (pets, etc.) but you're at a crossroads here and apparently standing where you are is not a safe place (emotionally) for you to stand.

I agree. Enota, the horrific nights awake and in tears is not an insomnia problem you can fix with white noise or SleepyTime tea. You are simply taking the veil off of your feelings at night. During the day you are doing your best to wear that veil to cover the unpleasantness at home. Please consider speaking with a professional to sort this out.

In the meantime, for the sleep problem, I've found the best thing for me is similar to what Baldilocks said, but in my case, it's a rosary. I find saying a rosary at night helps to take my mind off all the worries that may plague me in the middle of the night and I often fall asleep before I've finished it.

I realize you may not have a religious faith, so maybe learning meditation to get rid of the "monkey mind" that can be tortuous in the dark and quiet night--the rosary is nothing much more than a long mantra. If you could find someone to teach you basic meditation principles, it might help relax you and put your mind at peace.

But, please look at the bigger picture. Hugs to you.

[enota]

Thanks to all who responded.

I will take all recommendations under consideration.

[Gardenarian]

Hi Enota,

I've been thinking about your predicament since you posted. I'm just so sorry (((hugs)))

Here are some things I might try in your situation, for what it's worth:

One thing would be to change up your night time routine. If you normally read or watch television before bed, maybe going for a walk or taking a bath would put your mind and heart in a different place.

I was wondering if there is anyone that you correspond with daily, by email or text? It would be great if you could arrange with a friend or relative to email each other nightly, just to have someone to talk about your day with. Or of course you could phone.

Are you getting enough contact with other people during the day? I don't know what your daily schedule is, but if you spent the evening browsing in a bookshop, going to a cafe, or just looking at all the cute stuff for sale at Target, even grocery shopping late - you might feel less isolated?

I was also wondering about exercise, which I always find helpful for just about everything. It's possible that really upping your activity level would help you fall asleep - maybe fast enough so the bad thoughts don't arise.

Have you tried changing around your sleep pattern? Getting up earlier or later, seeing if that helps?

Just staying up all night for one night can totally help reset your mood. The effects are temporary, but can help to break thought patterns.
https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/why-sleep-deprivation-eases-depression/

I am a librarian, and have heard several patrons say that they fall asleep much more easily while listening to audiobooks. Might be worth a try.

Please keep us updated on how you are doing.

[Suzanne]

The night-time blues are easier for me with a nice warm rice bag. It’s not the same as human contact, but it is some comfort - especially since my dog died.

[Packratona!]

Your husband is not meeting your needs. Is he open to learning how to do it? A lot of men need an education on how to take care of a wife. Just like one learns how to take care of each different kind of pet, what each one needs, a man has to learn, be actually taught how to take care of a woman. Neglect of a pet is awful, and cruel. The same is true of neglecting a wife (or husband). How many times does a pet need to be fed, or litter changed, with what frequency and regularity? Do we understand, truly, what suffering a dog goes through when left alone for hours and hours? How about a parrot?
It is not something that comes naturally with many men. Learning requires a certain level of humility, and sometimes men need to be faced with an ultimatum, or some other kind of shock, before they become open to it. A good marriage counselor can help. It sounds like you are drifting apart. He needs to be shocked awake and make some changes. For his own good. True love is doing everything you can and then some, to learn how to truly meet your loved one's needs. That requires listening, and conversation first. Buy a copy of What Women Want Men to Know by Barbara DeAngelis. Read it first, then use it to bring up points that you want to discuss with your husband. If you can get your husband to do it, have him read it too. Otherwise, read to him if he can tolerate that. Then discuss. You have to keep trying different things, and try, try again. It takes repetition, lots of it, to learn a new language or behavior too. So don't give up if he doesn't get it the first time or the second or the third. It will be a foreign language to him. I am assuming he really does love you and in his heart wants you to be happy. He just doesn't know how.

[enota]

Your husband is not meeting your needs. Is he open to learning how to do it? A lot of men need an education on how to take care of a wife. Just like one learns how to take care of each different kind of pet, what each one needs, a man has to learn, be actually taught how to take care of a woman. Neglect of a pet is awful, and cruel. The same is true of neglecting a wife (or husband). How many times does a pet need to be fed, or litter changed, with what frequency and regularity? Do we understand, truly, what suffering a dog goes through when left alone for hours and hours? How about a parrot?
It is not something that comes naturally with many men. Learning requires a certain level of humility, and sometimes men need to be faced with an ultimatum, or some other kind of shock, before they become open to it. A good marriage counselor can help. It sounds like you are drifting apart. He needs to be shocked awake and make some changes. For his own good. True love is doing everything you can and then some, to learn how to truly meet your loved one's needs. That requires listening, and conversation first. Buy a copy of What Women Want Men to Know by Barbara DeAngelis. Read it first, then use it to bring up points that you want to discuss with your husband. If you can get your husband to do it, have him read it too. Otherwise, read to him if he can tolerate that. Then discuss. You have to keep trying different things, and try, try again. It takes repetition, lots of it, to learn a new language or behavior too. So don't give up if he doesn't get it the first time or the second or the third. It will be a foreign language to him. I am assuming he really does love you and in his heart wants you to be happy. He just doesn't know how.

Well, I don't think he would be open to anything like that. Unfortunately. He thinks he is always right and never wrong and gets very hostile and defensive if anyone implies that he is not perfect in every way. Most of the time, he will not even entertain the notion. Believe me, during the past 20 years I have tried many times to elicit some kind of cooperation and understanding. It's impossible.

[Gardnr]

Can you move to your own bedroom? Bring your dog in with you at night and close the door? Test to see if she/he helps you out?

i'm so sad for you. Make a move that might help. Try something...anything.....DH may or may not get the message. I do agree with sitting down to discuss your minimum needs.

Life is too short to be so sad and unhappy.

[Suzanne]

This man has starved you of affection and belittled you for 20 years. Why let him do it for 20 years plus one day? You work insane hours to avoid his company - your health and your life are at high risk. Staying with him hurts you worse with every day. He Is Not Going To Change. You Are Enabling Him.

You neither love nor like this man. You have your own money and your own car. You have no children. You can find pet-friendly accommodation. If you’re married in community of property, you’re entitled to half of the marital assets acquired in the marriage. You’re in a good position to get a new and better life.

It’s scary, yes. I was married to an abusive alcoholic. I strenuously resisted, for 12 years, the knowledge that I had to leave. It took another 3 years from the moment of epiphany until I did go. I had no job, no money, lived far out of town, had two children and pets. Things all came together in a rush and I was out, gone for good, and legally divorced within two months.

Yes, I was scared. Yes, the first few months were financially rocky. I never for one minute wished I hadn’t done it. I still have PTSD flashbacks but they are so much easier to bear than the reality of the abuse that generated them!

[Tybee]

Enota, only you can decide if it is time to end the relationship. I went through that and it was probably 7 years before I decided--a long time, I know. I wish I had done it sooner, but I was afraid for my children. When I finally decided it was unsafe for them living in the same house with him, I got out, although it was absolutely terrifying. There was no changing him, no counseling (we tried that) no answers in staying. Now, looking back, I wish I had done it much sooner. So you have to delve deep into what your body and your mind are trying to tell you, and go from there.. .