Bitterness growing for 40 years [Archive]

corkym

2-21-18, 8:22am

I haven't posted on here in years, but it seems like a safe place given anonymity with people of all kinds of faiths and beliefs. I would be interested to hear people's thoughts on this. I think basically everyone's spiritual path teaches them that forgiveness is crucial. Not that you have to cater to the person who wronged you but you need to find forgiveness in yourself to give yourself freedom from bitterness. Theoretically speaking I know a person (gee, I wonder who that is) who has been married several decades. The person she is married to is a kind man, wouldn't hurt a flea and in his dreams would love to give anything and the moon to his wife. This husband also was very irresponsible throughout their marriage, did some things that completely lacked common sense, never really held a job that provided for the family, would hop from one thing to the next. After being buried in bills, very large bills that the wife was unable to pay from her own job that she worked overtime for many yrs at, the wife had had it. She began to think of ways to take her son and get out of the marriage. Then her husband became gravely ill and very dependent on her even more, so she couldn't just leave him. He had a kidney disease that left him on dialysis for several yrs. She had to work even harder and more hours to take care of the bills. He then got a transplant and resumed his life with periods of having setbacks from all the side effects of the meds he had to take, but he was able to function and was retrained for an occupation he could handle. He was still very irresponsible and never took action on all the big dreams he talked about. And never really held a steady job. He is a talker not a doer. And still a very kind loving man. The wife is now exhausted after several decades of not having a minute to think and always working and nothing in savings because of big medical bills. She will never be able to retire, and virtually they have nothing, not even a car, because he didn't pull his weight during the yrs he was well. She has grown bitter and has had a heart attack from stress, but picked herself up and forged onward. My question is - How do you get rid of the bitterness? We are at the age now it would never enter my mind to leave him. He is in poor health now and like I said, he is a good, kind man, just was irresponsible for many yrs. that left us with nothing. I literally cannot think of anything fun or romantic we have ever done together. At this point I don't look at him as a husband, more like a roommate I am supporting. We have never had a vacation, never go out to movies, out to dinner. We are frugal out of neccessity. We have been married for 40 years. Our friends are retired going on cruises, we have to borrow a car to go to Walmart. I am fortunate in that my boss a few yrs ago let me become a contractor so I can work from home now. I know this sounds like a giant pity party and so I don't talk about it with anyone. But on here at least because you don't know me I can spout off and you can don't have to read it if you don't want to. Has anyone faced this situation personally? What did you do? I am not looking for a way out, I would never leave him now at this age. How do you get rid of the bitterness? Being a caregiver, the breadwinner, doing everything on my own and working 50 plus hrs a week for many many yrs is taking its toll. Sorry this is so long and that I rambled.....Not looking for sympathy and not even a solution. I'm not sure there is one. Just wondering how other people have handled a situation like this personally.

catherine

2-21-18, 9:13am

I recall Gabor Mate saying in his book "When the Body Says No" (Great book by the way*):

“A therapist once said to me, 'If you face the choice between feeling guilt and resentment, choose the guilt every time.' It is wisdom I have passed on to many others since. If a refusal saddles you with guilt, while consent leaves resentment in its wake, opt for the guilt. Resentment is soul suicide."

So, if you agree with that (I do), you have two choices: leave him and deal with the guilt or figure out a way to absolve yourself of the resentment. I think one thing you could do to start is to realize that you do bear some responsibility for where you two are. You could have left years ago, you can leave now, perhaps you enabled his irresponsibility in some way. I'm not saying you did, btw. It's just that each marriage is a dance and it's rare that one person is totally the victim.

If you can admit accountability in any part of the situation that's making you so resentful, then you will be empowered to change it. You may want to talk to a therapist, a marriage counselor, or a spiritual mentor to help. The key is to recognize that you do have choices. The freedom in those choices is what can help dispel the resentment.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. You need some support. You definitely are safe venting here.

*Actually, I highly recommend this book. He goes deeply into the physical toll of repressed feelings and outlines the 7 "A's" of healing.

corkym

2-21-18, 9:36am

Thank you so much Catherine! I agree that I have been an enabler and should have been more consistant in laying down fair play rules. That was completely my fault. When he became sick, I felt like I would be abandoning him if I left, so I made the choice to stay. I have so many regrets that I am personally responsible for. I also agree you have to learn to live with either guilt or resentment. In my case I have chosen resentment and am trying to learn how to get rid of it. I heard another quote I especially like "No regrets, only lessons learned." Thank you for your listening ear. I actually was looking for a delete button because I felt stupid after ranting and whining. I'm not sure how to delete it though.

corkym

2-21-18, 9:38am

Oh, and I will be looking up that book by Gabor Mate, thanks for the recommendation :thankyou:

Sad Eyed Lady

2-21-18, 10:21am

Do you love your husband? Even like him and enjoy being with him? If so, I would look for ways to get out of the crushing debt and you having to work so much cycle. I know it is not a pleasant road but there is bankruptcy for the debts. If they are going to be ongoing at that magnitude then that wouldn't be much help, but if not it would help you start with a "clean slate". I used to work for attorneys so I saw this happen many times with huge medical debt that just could not be paid. IF that would help, then look at paring down to the basics as we talk about so much in simple living. Not working more, but living with less. Your friends are retired, are you at that age too? Is there medical help from the government for your husband? If you can get some of this big stuff out of the way, then you could work on holding the status quo or even paring down more and more. Maybe have some time to enjoy a few things together. If not a cruise, then a weekend away somewhere close by. You keep saying he is a nice guy, that is something right there. You need out of some of the burden, I agree, but you don't have to throw the baby out with the bathwater - if you don't want to that is, and it doesn't seem like you want too. So, it seems like you have a base to work from but just need some help.

corkym

2-21-18, 10:54am

Thank you for your insight Sad Eyed Lady. Some valuable information is there. To tell the truth I'm not sure if I love him. There were so many years of neglect of me and several years ago rumors of infidelity that somewhere along the line I think I just died inside towards my feelings towards him. I remember my mom describing him once as a man "who would get fired from a job because of irresponsibility, but the boss would like him so much they would stay friends." And that is the exactly the way he is...lol. He is an extremely likable man, but also no common sense. Once he hid some money on the bottom of the trash can "because no robber would think to look there". He caught me just as I was taking it to empty into the big trash can for the trash man to take. Actually, there is really no way to pare down. I cut my own hair, have not bought anything new to wear in years, we go no where because of lack of a car, etc. We don't eat expensively. Bankruptcy could be an option, but as a last resort. I just hate the thought of it when I can work. We finally got a $23,000 IRS tax bill paid off after several years and we do have ongoing medical bills. He had started a business and was unable to maintain it and the IRS fines and penalties accumulated. We are 63 now. He does get Medicare and disability now but there are a lot of co payments and one med is $350 a month plus his other 11 meds he takes. He was just in the hospital for 5 weeks and now the doctor, hospital, labs, etc. co pays are coming in every day. So I do need to take another look at our financial situation. I am blessed in so many ways I need to quit complaining and just keep biting the bullet. I just want to get rid of the resentment towards my husband.

SteveinMN

2-21-18, 10:56am

I have so many regrets that I am personally responsible for. I also agree you have to learn to live with either guilt or resentment. In my case I have chosen resentment and am trying to learn how to get rid of it. I heard another quote I especially like "No regrets, only lessons learned."
I think catherine offered excellent advice.

As for getting rid of the resentment, you seem to be on the right path. All of us make decisions by evaluating what we know and what we feel will best serve us. Sometimes you don't have all the information you'd like to have to make a good decision; sometimes what serves us best in the short term is not what serves us best in the long term. Not to sound flippant, but that's life.

You cannot change your past decisions or the outcome of those decisions so far. So there's no real value to expending more of your life energy on the resentment that's built up over the years. However, you can start making different decisions from this point forward. Give yourself some time to forgive your husband and yourself for whatever's happened that got you where you are now. Then start moving in the direction of making the best life you can from this time on.

corkym

2-21-18, 11:09am

I so much agree with you on this Steve! That is my main focus now. I always have felt you can start right where you are no matter how deep the hole and start building a ladder to get out of it. These last few months I can't seem to find the ladder, but I so appreciate being reminded of this so I can get my thinking focused. I have let circumstances and fatigue cloud my vision.

Simplemind

2-21-18, 12:33pm

I am so sorry corkym. Your situation has similarities to a friend of mine. She and her husband started out very successful but a snowmobile accident left him unable to ever work again. They lost everything and there was a lot of everything. It was a harsh reality going from never having to worry about money and spending it freely to being under mountains of medical bills and renting an apartment. She went from owning a salon to working in one. Through the years I watched her change mentally and physically. She did nothing but go to work and go home. My husband also had a brain injury so we often talked about how hard it can be as the caregiver. The difference between us is that her husband hadn't been kind or giving before the accident and was even more self centered and resentful after losing everything. She took her "in sickness and in health" seriously, until she felt she could no longer go on feeling worked to the bone and unloved. She is in her mid 50's and couldn't envision the rest of her life being so empty. She also knew many would look at her as abandoning a sick man even though he is perfectly able to take care of himself with accommodation. She was so afraid to talk to anybody about her despair thinking everybody would ask "what about him?". She finally decided it was do or die and moved in with her mother because she couldn't afford to go any place else. After an initial period of being overwhelmed the transformation in her has been remarkable. She is now feeling hopeful and is taking better care of herself. She has lost weight and years seemed to have dropped away. She smiles and laughs and even though things are going to be hard financially for awhile she has the energy to do what she has to do to save herself. Even her adult son who lived through it all, understands and is supportive of her decision. I am so happy for her. Marriage shouldn't be a sentence to a life of hard labor with no possibility of parole.
Life is short, you deserve better. Decide what you can do to achieve that for yourself because he is incapable of doing that for you.

dado potato

2-21-18, 12:40pm

corkym,

From reading the conversation I see that a few people have already spoken up with their concern and ideas. So, I would like to begin by noting the compassion that is flowing in your direction. (My old Dad used to say "It doesn't matter how many times you get knocked down... it is how many times you get up again that really matters." Taking the boxing metaphor another step: Knowing the compassion is flowing towards you is like having your corner man during a Bout.)

I suspect that the problems are both economic (Sad Eyed Lady suggested investigating bankruptcy) and emotional (depression?). One self-help resource for spouses of depressed persons is "Depression Fallout Message Board", a group on tapatalk.com

There may be kidney patients and caregivers coping with problems similar to what you described. There is a Health Board discussion group devoted to kidney disorders, which I will attempt to link to:
http://www.healthboards.com/boards/kidney-disorders

Be Well, corkym

ApatheticNoMore

2-21-18, 12:50pm

Well is he physically capable of helping out around the house now? Then he should be doing that, if you are the breadwinner and working 50 hour weeks, he should do whatever chores he is physically able to, at least leaving you free not to do that.

I almost want to give the advice to you and another poster to get a hobby which I realize is little solution at all to marital problems but the post is so lacking in anything enjoyable. But 50 hour weeks leaves little time, well yes that's why he should do housework etc. if he can to leave you some time for leisure (I know it won't be much but a little). Yea look at your budget, not just for what you can save, I mean that's all well and good, rainy day fund etc., in fact if you can it's probably *crucial* in your situation, but if there is room for something you would enjoy as well (out to eat once in a month if that's it, public transit/uber/cab to go to a free museum once in a while if that's it, whatever you like and actually makes sense for your location etc.). Because you should do some fun things, and yes some might be free (but the lack of transit might be a problem there as a lot of things require a way to get there).

Now people here will probably suggest therapy/counseling etc., but that is going to cost more than any hobbies I suggest. Yes it will cost more even if you have health insurance (good for you if you do, that's important for medical expenses but ...) because unless you really have a gold level gold plated employer plan or something there are copays etc..

As for comparing yourself to your peers etc.. It's a waste of time. Much of it is fate. It's not in our control anyway. I mean I suppose you could have married differently but you probably married for love and not for money, am I right? :)

enota

2-21-18, 3:22pm

In many ways I am in the same boat but only 20 years instead of 40.

I guess if i were "this lady" I would dry to look at my husband as though he were a child with down's syndrome or some other type of debilitating condition. Think of him as your child and not your husband. We will give a kid a lot more rope than we will an adult or "partner". Think that if this had been your child you would have done everything just the same and done it with love in your heart. No anger, no bitterness, no resentment (maybe). I don't know. I feel bad that you could have had a much better life with someone else. It's really never too late to start over. It's the only life you have, you know.

corkym

2-21-18, 4:26pm

Simple Mind - I am so glad to hear your friend was brave enough to get on with her life and that she is finally happy. When your spouse is mean spirited that takes on a whole new level of hurt. I really wish people would think really hard before they get married on whether they are compatible with the personality their partner has. Unfortunately a lot of us get married when we are young and stupid and can't see beyond the end of our noses. Sometimes I think there should be a mandatory age of 30 before you are allowed to be married....lol.

corkym

2-21-18, 4:33pm

Apathetic No More - Yes he is able to do minor housework as long as it isn't to strenuous and as long as I keep my big mouth shut and don't complain because he doesn't do it to my standards :|( No, I don't really think I married for love to be honest. I was young and stupid and just thought it was the thing to do so I did. I didn't realize what the long haul would be like and that I could always just jump ship if I wanted out. I can't believe how ignorant you can be at 19 yrs of age. Oh, if we could all do things over again is the lament of so many people.....
And actually, your idea of getting a hobby is an excellent idea! I have thought about that before, I need something I like to occupy my pea sized brain so I don't think about "poor me". My problem is I don't even know what I like anymore, I have never had time. I am going to have to do some thinking about that.....

corkym

2-21-18, 4:37pm

Thank you for your encouragement Dado Potato - Yes, everyone on here is very supportive and compassionate and that goes a long way in motivation to turn your life around. Thank you so much for the link to the Health Board discussion group. I can't wait to check it out. And I agree with your "Old Dad". Its important to keep getting back up after being knocked down. That's the only way you will make it in life.

corkym

2-21-18, 4:39pm

Hi Enota - That is funny because I actually had thought about doing that before, only looking at him as a person with dementia. I wanted to see if it would change my feelings towards him. He takes 34 pills a day, so obviously with all the side effects it has slowed his thinking and responses down considerably. I think it would change my outlook a lot. I need to really work at getting that mindset.

pinkytoe

2-21-18, 6:36pm

My weird side thinks maybe you need something on the order of an affair. I recall reading about longtime Alzheimer's spouses who looked for companionship outside their marriage just to survive the loneliness of the situation.

Yppej

2-21-18, 6:56pm

Can you get legally divorced but continue to live together? That might free you from debts to the IRS and others for his failed business schemes, and possibly since he is disabled he could get Medicaid versus whatever you are paying for medical costs for him now. Does he receive disability payments that contribute to the household income? If not he should file for them.

Packratona!

2-21-18, 8:00pm

Well, since you put this in the spiritual section, I will comment on that. I think that biblically, divorce is an option if the partner, over the long haul, has not fulfilled his/her basic responsibilities as a husband or wife. Certainly divorce is more than optional under certain circumstances. You have certainly given him plenty of chances, and he just does not fulfill his responsibilities as a husband. I would say, start at least investigating possibilities for escape, even if it is only for small periods of time. That will cool your brain so you can maybe think with a clearer mind. No affair, that is a bad idea, just some escape and fun away from him even for a few hours. Also, think about the financial ramifications due to divorce. Sometimes persons of this age do it for that reason. Might be better for both of you.

corkym

2-22-18, 7:48am

Thank you Everyone for being so kind and taking the time to respond to my whining. Actually, this has really opened my eyes and made me stop and realize there are options, its up to me to start making smart "choices" for my life. It also made me realize some of the people a few of you have described have it far worse than I do. No, at this point in life I won't divorce him. If I had decided on that I needed to do it many years ago. I just have to rearrange my thinking about the situation and start making some changes. I need a break and I am going to arrange that. My mom and dad had the same situation I do. I used to hate my dad at times because my mom was left to do the working and everything. He was a dreamer and also disabled. And now I see my husband and I are living a rerun of their lives. Funny, how I used to always tell my mom not to put up with that and to leave him. I would always tell her to make different choices....lol. And look, here I am doing exactly what she did. There must be some kind of deep seated psychological issue here >8) I also think its odd how some people will run from one bad relationship straight to another. I myself would never get into another relationship if something were to happen to my husband. Why risk it happening again. My mom never remarried when my dad died and she is happy finally. My grandmother was the same way and I have some aunts and a good friend that have also never got involved with another relationship when their husbands passed. None of them ever wanted to remarry. So at least they wised up and are all living happy lives now. My husband really is a good guy just so very irresponsible. Some of the stories I could tell would leave you smacking your head...lol. So many great suggestions and wisdom are in all of your responses and I am going to be trying a lot of them. Thank you All!

Packratona!

2-22-18, 10:27am

You are doing well. We can't really change others, we can only change ourselves, our attitudes, how we view and handle things. Try to find and do things to bring happiness each day, even if only for a few minutes. This won't last forever, but treasure the moments whether with him or away from him. You do have some choices, so try to learn ways to work towards some freedoms. Try to give yourself breaks, it works wonders! Especially exercise outdoors like walking or biking.
What you are going through, is pretty typical caretaker stress. You are taking care of a seriously ill loved one. After you think about this awhile, try to make some decisions about some changes you need to make, you should sit down and talk to your husband about it. Explain that you are reaching burnout, and need to take action to make some changes so that you will be able to continue helping him effectively. If he is as nice as you say, then he should be all for it; it is in his best interest. It will involve leaving him for some periods of time (to walk, go out with a friend, or whatever) but that must be done on a regular basis to keep you healthy emotionally and physically. Give him a list of things to do while you are gone, that will help you and him.

We would all love hearing from you in a few months as you sort things out and make some small changes...

SteveinMN

2-22-18, 10:36am

corkym, I'm glad we were able to provide some good vibes and some things to think about. I hope it works out for you -- both of you, really.

I also think its odd how some people will run from one bad relationship straight to another. I myself would never get into another relationship if something were to happen to my husband. Why risk it happening again.
I have known people like that. It's like they're afraid of being alone/on their own. They seem to value more being with someone than being with the right someone.

My dad passed away 22 years ago. My mom hasn't so much as gone out on a date with another guy. She's quite busy anyway, but she says that, at this point, she doesn't want to get into the work that would accompany a serious relationship. For her I don't think it's a matter of potentially avoiding another bad marriage (she and my dad had a good marriage) but the realization that her emotional energy level is limited and she doesn't think the gains from a serious relationship would outweigh what it would take out of her emotionally. She has a dog; it's enough companionship and a lot less work than a husband. ;)

pinkytoe

2-22-18, 11:39am

I just have to rearrange my thinking about the situation and start making some changes.
That's a very good attitude.

Packratona!

2-22-18, 6:13pm

Also, we have to face new realities as we get older, that there really is a limit to the energy we have. So we become more aware of the limit to our life energy and learn to safeguard it more carefully as we make choices. Leaving a marriage, starting all over, moving takes a huge toll. It sounds like you are making wise choices as you consider the cost of the choices. But small every day choices to change some things can actually have a huge effect. Good idea to brainstorm and maybe read some books relevant to the issues; there are some great ones out there that will help a great deal. One thing that helps me with bitterness, really is to build thankfulness into my life on a several times a day basis. For the food I have to eat, decent clothes to wear, shoes, the roof over my head, my husband though he isn't perfect, so much better than many women all over the world have to put up with, and many do not even have one at all to give them anything at all. Anything that still works and is healthy in the body is something to be thankful for as we get older. So if we thank the Creator, and also try to help even with a kind word, who have less than we do, it goes a long way.

pinkytoe

2-22-18, 9:36pm

That is so true about thinking twice about some of our choices as we age as the outcomes can be much harder than we realize. We chose to retire and move 800 miles away from everything we knew. At the time, it seemed like a fun thing to do and it was for a while. It has turned out to be a very stressful roller coaster ride that I hope we can eventually survive. The grass is always greener...

corkym

2-23-18, 10:55am

corkym

2-23-18, 11:02am

Steve - Your mom sounds like a very wise woman :) I agree, a dog is soooo much easier than a relationship. Even with good relationships it takes every ounce of emotions and energy. You have to stop and evaluate before jumping in "am I willing to love enough to the point of sacrifice at times." If you aren't ready for that, it is better to hold off. I have seen more marriages where one partner abuses the right of the other person, then I have of marriages that are equal. I have seen some marriages where the partners truly do respect each other and where they give themselves to each other equally, but unfortunately I haven't seen very many couples like that. Being in a marriage where it is one sided and the one person is selfish takes its toll on the other person and drains everything out of them to the point of not finding any joy in life at all. I think commitment and responsibility classes should be taught in high school. I wonder which breed of dog would make the best roommate :)

corkym

2-23-18, 11:09am

Pinkytoe - Yep, you nailed it. I have a problem with always thinking the grass is always greener and I am always wanting to escape instead of working through whatever is bothering me. Oh that wise saying....."in hindsight....." I am so very sorry you made a move that you aren't happy with. We did that also. Funny, how I didn't like where we lived until we moved 1,500 miles away and now I am so homesick for all the familiar places.....
I hope you can find places there that become home to you and new friends that bring you happiness. It is so hard to "bloom where you're planted" when you are unhappy. But it really does refine us and make us better people. I hope so anyway and if not there is always pizza and ice cream :~)

SteveinMN

2-24-18, 10:43am

I think commitment and responsibility classes should be taught in high school.
Just thinking that it would be tough to teach kids to have a timeline for commitment and responsibility measured in decades when they haven't completed two decades in their entire lives...

Never mind the fact that commitment and responsibility are rarely exhibited by the adults of our world. Business not making enough profit? Time to "rightsize" even employees who have been productive for decades. Promised your voters something that turned out to be career-limiting or not what your money masters want? Flip-flop! Don't want to pay your own freight for dangerous behavior? That's OK; society will pay for it.

Maybe better to teach kids resilience and how to be their own complete selves. They'll need that for a lifetime of careers, friendships, romantic partners, changing financial and health situations, and so on.

I wonder which breed of dog would make the best roommate :)
All depends on what you're looking for, I guess. My mom has a Yorkie, which is cute as all get out but won't keep my mom warm at night the way a spaniel or retriever would. On the other hand, one good hand is all that's needed to get the Yorkie out of trouble; that doesn't work with a spaniel or a retriever.

iris lilies

2-24-18, 10:59am

Tybee

2-24-18, 11:07am

But you can always move back. Its not an irrevocable decision.

I realize that is easier said tha. Done, but it is doable.

That is very true. I have been thinking this lately, as we contemplate a move to be closer to family. Nothing is set in stone until you die.

iris lilies

2-24-18, 11:58am

That is very true. I have been thinking this lately, as we contemplate a move to be closer to family. Nothing is set in stone until you die.
Next week we get possession of our second house and we start a new adventure. I am really, really pumped by it, but also am apprehensive about how it will work out.

I always look at the worst case scenario and project out several steps. For me, if this turns out to be too much (and that. wont likely come to be for 8-10 years) I will have no trouble selling it, OR could also sell our city house though that will be hard. But DH is impossible anout getting rid of things. Not sure he would ever be able to sell either of these properties.

Fortunately he is fully on board for selling oir spare tiny houses here in the city. Now we have to find a buyer and hope we wont lose too much money. I expect to lose at least a quarter of what we have in them.

pinkytoe

2-24-18, 7:07pm

I keep my fingers crossed that our CO house will at the least maintain its value since we paid cash. We are doing a lot of improvements so that it will either be nice to live in or ready to sell. One thing for certain - lots of stairs are not fun as you get older - even if you think you are very fit. Back to the OP, I would imagine there is some bitterness on both sides of a very long marriage. It is hard work to be nice to each other at times:) When I am feeling that way, I just leave the premises or find something to do so that I don't dwell on it.

flowerseverywhere

2-25-18, 6:15am

I have nothing to add except to say I hope you can find happiness in the little things. Every day the sun comes up and the page is blank for the day. Fill your page with small joys. Perhaps the song of a bird, a flower or budding tree, or a song you like. Even a small walk in the middle of the day, or reading an inspirational page of a book can help.

Packratona!

2-25-18, 2:21pm

Packratona - You are so right about being thankful! When I am wallowing in ice cream and Chips Ahoy at my pity party for one I try to always thump myself on the head to remind myself you are so much better off than so many people. Take whatever you have and run with it and make it into something. Especially when I reach that time of burnout, I have to force myself to stop and smell the freshly baked donuts and then only eat one instead of three. That is what happened this week, I finally reached burnout after several yrs and I couldn't see beyond the end of my nose and I am so thankful to all of you for giving me perspective.

Related to eating...a change that I have made recently is to change my eating and exercise point of view and habits. Have lost 15 plus pounds so far, almost 20. I have figured out a system that works for me just great. It makes me feel better to drop that extra weight a little at a time (about a pound a week average).

Tybee

2-25-18, 6:32pm

Related to eating...a change that I have made recently is to change my eating and exercise point of view and habits. Have lost 15 plus pounds so far, almost 20. I have figured out a system that works for me just great. It makes me feel better to drop that extra weight a little at a time (about a pound a week average).

Packratona, how have you done that--changed your eating and exercise point of view and habitsd, I mean?

Packratona!

2-25-18, 7:01pm

Packratona, how have you done that--changed your eating and exercise point of view and habitsd, I mean?

Well, it started out with a system I developed, that I tried out maybe three years ago and then my husband used. He lost I think 100 pounds with it, he was overweight for many years. Now he is a perfect weight! I just got back into it after 10 of us came down with this horrible stomach flu around holiday time in December, we just passed it all around, family and extended family. A real shock to the intestinal system! I think it killed a lot of bad germs in mine, so I used it as a starting point for me to seriously work on my health/weight again. It starts with determination. Determination that you are willing to eat for #1 for health, not have eating for enjoyment as the primary reason. Eating for health comes first and foremost, so that means not eating whatever you want all the time and as much as you want. You eat more healthy and limit quantities. It is somewhat of a challenge, but doable. It is worth it as it means less time being sick, more time enjoying life, and less time being depressed. It would take me a long time to write out my method; it is not that complicated or difficult, but would take some time and I am not sure this is the right venue for it here....