View Full Version : Nothing like cleaning out a hoarder's house to motivate
As I've mentioned in another thread, my husband and I are cleaning out his mother's apartment, now that she has gone to assisted living. She literally threw nothing out (besides food waste and paper products). Empty boxes in every closet, items in boxes labeled with something completely different than what was in them, so many knick knacks and kitchen gadgets "as seen on TV" (she didn't cook). Bottlecaps, every rent/electric/utility receipt going back several apartments (she lived in this one for 25 years, so that's a lot of years), every report card from all 6 kids, at least 20 bedspreads stuffed in various drawers and closets, a dozen packages of curtains still in the original packaging and never used, 2 full sized Christmas trees as well as another half dozen small ones. A lot of the glassware and nicer knick knacks are going to our town's take it or leave it shed. The big truck comes tomorrow to take away the furniture and remaining trash we haven't put out yet (you can only have 4 bags per week in her town). And then there are all the buckets in my basement for later sorting of papers and pictures.
This is something I never want someone to have to do for me. I'm usually pretty good at going through things every few years and donating/discarding but now I'm on fire to do more. I want to just have some nice things around me and use them, or display them. When you have so much stuff, nothing is precious and things get damaged from being shoved into drawers or left to the elements. I want to keep continuing to cull, even though I have plenty of space. I'd like to move towards a more curated house. I want one nice item instead of 5 so-so items. I want all the things I do have to be easily accessible and not require moving something else out of the way first.
So thank you, Mom in law, for modeling behavior that I do not want to emulate. It has brought great clarity to me on how I want my relationship with things to be. I want to use and have nice things, but not too many, know where they are and take care of them, but then when its time, be able to bless someone else with them.
It is amazing how much one accumulates when one never moves or very rarely. Getting rid of stuff is hard but keeping it is harder.
flowerseverywhere
2-25-18, 9:54pm
This morning I met twelve other quilters. We worked for four hours to go through bags and boxes of donated items to sell. We got a little over halfway done. We were literally stuffing bags of fabrics and labeling them $1 to $3. Quilt kits, bags of trims and so on. It was exhausting. I am determined not to leave a craft mess for my survivors.
It it really makes you think about what you have when you have a job like yours. It breaks my heart to see so much money wasted on cheap junk that might have gone to something productive.
iris lilies
2-25-18, 9:56pm
It is such an ongoing task, the cleaning out stuff.
I have about a dozen white tablecloths. Well, guess what—I once used them at the same time for parties. We had neighborhd parties where we would throw nice tablecloths over cheap plastic tables and all looked nice. We havent hosted such a party in a while and i am taking a few of these tableclother to Hermann where they will be used and then probably pitched after getting stained.
speaking of hoarding, I finally watched a few of those tv shows in bits and pieces. The one episode I highly recommend is about “Louise” in L.A. She is a hoot. She is a trust fund baby who spent all of her money and now has to move to rent assisted living, and she has to get rid of stuff in two apartments and in storage sheds.
She is a clean hoarder. All of her stuff is carefully packed in plastic bags. She does not eat in her house so there are no food wastes and attendant rodent issues.. She has no pets. All of her clothes are colorful and interesting. She is a former model. Her dailey uniform of choice is flannelpajama sets.
Iris, I have to check this out--sounds like Grey Gardens.
Moving is always a great opportunity to clean out the excess. Perhaps there is a point in time when the thought of dealing with it just becomes too daunting for some elderly people - so they just ignore it. I too am determined not to leave a mess behind for someone else to clean up.
iris lilies
2-26-18, 11:02am
Iris, I have to check this out--sounds like Grey Gardens.
It is the Season 4,episode 16 show called “one is good, two is better.” Bur be dorewarned, Louise is sad and confused about life. She is not a happy person. There is lots of crying in her episode.
It is the Season 4,episode 16 show called “one is good, two is better.” Bur be dorewarned, Louise is sad and confused about life. She is not a happy person. There is lots of crying in her episode.
Well, I've been pretty confused and sad about life lately and doing my own share of crying, so sounds like a good fit!
Simplemind
2-26-18, 12:39pm
Cleaning out my parents stuff put the fire in me as well. NOT that I have even a fraction of what they had. They weren't hoarders but they had a lot of stuff that was not being used or maintained from the glory days of the property. We will never leave anything like that for our kids. At least that is our plan, who knows what starts happening to your mental function as you get older.
Cleaning out my parents stuff put the fire in me as well. NOT that I have even a fraction of what they had. They weren't hoarders but they had a lot of stuff that was not being used or maintained from the glory days of the property. We will never leave anything like that for our kids. At least that is our plan, who knows what starts happening to your mental function as you get older.
Same here, Simplemind, cleaning out my folks' house has made me determine I will do whatever it takes to keep up with the "stuff" in my life. My mom actually did an excellent job of this up until the very end, when suddenly it became too much for her to process, and so the last 4 months or so the house really tanked.
I can't imagine how bad it would be if people got cognitively impaired and lived there for years without cleaning.
flowerseverywhere
2-26-18, 12:55pm
Some people honestly think they are sitting on a goldmine of priceless heirlooms. The fact is few people want more stuff. Chipped statues, ragged towels, boxes of photos of unidentifiable people and must old books have very low value today. Even China and fancy silver, too much maintenance for most people.
I remember my friend who was an only child literally carrying most possessions to a dumpster he had put on property. He just did not have time to take off work to clean out the house. A friend and I were literally taking anything we thought might have value to the local goodwill and Salvation Army, in the hope they could keep it out of the landfill.
mschrisgo2
2-26-18, 1:47pm
Herbgeek, am I understanding correctly that you are finished or very nearly finished in MIL's apartment? I'd like to congratulate you on finishing that huge job!
My sister and I are cleaning out our parent's home after my Dad passed last fall, Mom has been gone for nearly 3 years. Mom and Dad not only kept everything, they kept grandparents' stuff (both sides), stuff belonging to one grandma's best friend and my great uncle. Then there's all the various purchases, still in the shopping bags because in their later years, if they lost track of something because it was buried somewhere, they bought that item again. While the house is now cleaner than it has been a long time, there's still a lot to go through. Sister thinks a lot of stuff has value and we are going to make a killing in the estate sale but I think she will be disappointed. The only value I personally see in an estate sale is largely so we have help in getting rid of the stuff, because right now that's the only help she's considering. Maybe in time, when she is tired of having to touch.every.single.thing she might consider getting a dumpster or calling a junk removal place.
I have been decluttering our own home for years but this process has made me think even more critically over what is really worth keeping. Stuff that I would not have parted with years ago is now making it's way to Goodwill or the trash.
mschrisgo2
2-26-18, 2:24pm
"Some people honestly think they are sitting on a goldmine of priceless heirlooms."
Uh, yeah. That is my mother.
She has serving dishes "Why, they are 50 years old!" Well, yes, and they were mass produced and sold by the thousands and you can see them in any thrift store.
She doesn't understand that "mail order book club novels" have no value at all. And she has literally thousands of them. She won't even let anyone else read them!
And 21 Christmas trees and decorations for each one. She put out no decorations this last Christmas.
And dozens of china teacups and saucers that haven't been out of the box in 70 years- tell me, what good is that?!
You all are giving me anxiety! My dad is gone and mom is 93. Time is ticking, and she won't let go of anything. She is legally blind. I've asked to start downsizing books - she literally said that books were her friends! There's no response to that, just wow!
She has a shopping addiction. There are so many clothes, many of which have the tags still on them. I can assure you, there is not even ONE item in my closet I've not worn. Also, items she wore when I was a child, and I'm now a grandmother. Ugh!
Then there's the RoyalDoulton figurines. They may be collectible to her, but not to most people. (PS: That's why you find them on eBay for $30, nobody wants them!)
I feel for you, OP, and anyone else wading through or facing this situation.
PSS: my son and daughter-in-law seem to be in full acquisition mode too. Maybe it does alternate generations!
Then there's the RoyalDoulton figurines. They may be collectible to her, but not to most people. (PS: That's why you find them on eBay for $30, nobody wants them!)
Yes, both my MIL and mother were huge Royal Doulton, Hummel, etc. collectors. We have them packed up and BIL has them in a storage locker (what a waste of paid-for space). Oddly, it's DH who keeps saying "maybe they'll be worth something someday." If that's the case, I think they'll have to survive at least a few generations. My kids sure as heck don't want them.
My BIL was reading me a NYT article this morning about how millennials want nothing to do with big houses, nice cars, designer clothes, etc. They want experiences--and not just for themselves, but they have to be "Instagrammable". For that reason, Marriott has a new brand--Moxie--which has teeny sleeping spaces but they have all sorts of events that guests can partake in.
So the status symbols of the 21st century are the photos you take at music festivals, tattoo parlors, and mountain peaks and then share.
At least at that rate, our grandchildren likely won't need a dumpster when they're our age and they're cleaning out our kids' tiny houses.
Herbgeek, am I understanding correctly that you are finished or very nearly finished in MIL's apartment? I'd like to congratulate you on finishing that huge job!
Thanks Ms Chris, but we took the cheaters way out. After we sorted through and separated out either1) personal papers/photos to go through later 2) stuff we could recycle through our town, the rest was just junk. I had bagged maybe 20+ kitchen sized garbage bags and 12 larger bags but then we just gave up and hired a person to take the rest of the junk away. Very little is actually being kept: a couple of coolers, an interesting plate, some clothespins and drying racks. My husband took back a dresser he'd given her. A grand daughter took a hutch and a dresser.
iris lilies
2-26-18, 3:54pm
Thanks Ms Chris, but we took the cheaters way out. After we sorted through and separated out either1) personal papers/photos to go through later 2) stuff we could recycle through our town, the rest was just junk. I had bagged maybe 20+ kitchen sized garbage bags and 12 larger bags but then we just gave up and hired a person to take the rest of the junk away. Very little is actually being kept: a couple of coolers, an interesting plate, some clothespins and drying racks. My husband took back a dresser he'd given her. A grand daughter took a hutch and a dresser.
But good for you, that IS the way to do it, nothing cheating about it. Unless the elderly resident hid cash amongst their objects, there is no reason to touch each object. It is easy to eyeball the place and pick out the few that someone may want, and pay someone to jettison the rest.
Yes, both my MIL and mother were huge Royal Doulton, Hummel, etc. collectors. We have them packed up and BIL has them in a storage locker (what a waste of paid-for space). Oddly, it's DH who keeps saying "maybe they'll be worth something someday." If that's the case, I think they'll have to survive at least a few generations. My kids sure as heck don't want them.
My mom had tons of figurines such as Hummel, Lladros and a few others. Also a doll collection. Neither me or my sisters want them. It wasn't so much that Mom thought they were valuable, it's that she figured her 3 daughters would want them. Same thing with her china. Lovely pattern and she wanted us to split it between us but none of us can use it, it will just sit there. So it's going into the estate sale. It's rather sad but taking it on anyway (out of guilt, sadness, or whatever) only kicks the can down the road when someone has to clean out after us!
DH's family are the ones who keep stuff because they think it will be valuable. Also have hoarding / packrat tendencies. Sister's home is a total hoard because of all the things she thinks are valuable. Every Christmas she would give DH a Hallmark ornament telling him it would be "worth money someday". We expect that when FIL and MIL pass, she will clean out the house and as far as we are concerned she can have it all. DH was cured of the family "packrattiness" after a few moves between 3 apartments and a house.
mschrisgo2
2-26-18, 6:45pm
Herbgeek,
Sounds perfect to me! The things anybody wanted have gone home with them, the rest is being taken care of by someone else. Not your problem anymore. I'm sure you will have enough to do with the personal papers and photos.
Teacher Terry
2-27-18, 2:01pm
Nothing wrong with hiring it out if that is what you want to do. My MIL was a hoarder but fortunately she only lived in a 2 bedroom trailer so only so much stuff you can put in there. She died unexpectedly 10 years ago and we were still working f.t. but did it ourselves. A big house is another whole issue. Ugh! My Mom asked me to help them downsize when I was 30 and she was 64 and we took 2 years to do it at our leisure. It was a fun experience doing it together. then they moved to a 2 bedroom apartment. In her late 80's she knew she was dying so disposed of lots of her stuff herself including her pics after we took what we wanted. She was a awesome lady. My Dad was very ill by 59 so she made all the decisions and he went along. If he had been well things would have been different. I imagine they would have kept the house longer although not forever because he was a practical man. I am determined not to leave a mess to my kids. My DH's kids will have to deal with his junk if I die first but right now I keep it contained but if I was gone I shutter to see what would happen to the house. My son said after all 5 kids took what they wanted he would just hire junk people to take the rest. He is the executor and not worried about it.
I just returned home after what was supposed to be a 1-week trip to clean out my mother-in-law’s home. She passed away 2 years ago. We’ve worked on the project for weeks at a time during these years, but hadn’t gotten to the meat of the problem yet.
She lived in a huge 4-story Victorian home for 60+ years, and was a bit of a hoarder.
Our 1-week visit stretched to nearly a month of continual effort. One day my fitbit said I exceeded 271 flights of stairs.
We took 4 large dump trucks of just pure junk out of there (1-800-GOT-JUNK people are saints.). We took another 3.5 truckloads of material to Goodwill or an auction house. There was a moving truck with 150 moving boxes full of academic material that got sent to a college library. There were another ~50 boxes of books that went to a bookseller, who bless his heart, came to the home, sorted, boxed< and carried them out. There was a truck with about $350k worth of art that had to be driven down to a gallery in Arizona. There were two moving trucks full of furniture that we sent to a cousin who is setting up a home - it fully furnished his new house.
Today the last wave of junk removal is occurring, 3 flatbed trucks full. There are approximately 6 cords of firewood in the carriage house still.
We still have a storage locker full of a mid-sized u-haul truck worth of material that has yet to be sorted through.
OMG, don’t do this to your kids.
Teacher Terry
2-27-18, 3:19pm
That was one huge house. I think it is a terrible thing to do to your kids.
happystuff
2-28-18, 8:26am
Reading these stories, dealing with stuff from a family member who died, and listening to friends who have had to clean out houses has been enough to motivate me the last couple of years. Reading threads like these rejuvenates my decluttering in those times when I seem to "slack off". I know it is somewhat selfish, but I don't want the "cleaning out of stuff" to be the last thing people remember about me. Congrats to all the progress everyone is making/has made.
Latest news on my transition from NJ to Vermont: my New Jersey son is telling me (repeatedly, as in "don't forget, Mom!") that he and my DIL are VERY interested in renting the New Jersey house from us starting spring 2019. Downside is, we have to commit to living in VT full-time by then. Upside: it will force us to go through that process of getting rid of our 30-year cache of stuff, because they want to bring in their furnishings--they don't want to rent our house furnished.
Another upside: We get to visit our own home. I should offer to turn half of the garage into an in-law suite. :)
If that happens, I really look forward to going through the purge process throughout the year, even though it's not going to be easy. At least I'll have the peace of mind that I won't be doing to them what some of the relatives in this thread have done to you guys. If DH and I stick to living in 700 sq ft, there's only going to be so much stuff to clean out when that time comes.
Latest news on my transition from NJ to Vermont: my New Jersey son is telling me (repeatedly, as in "don't forget, Mom!") that he and my DIL are VERY interested in renting the New Jersey house from us starting spring 2019. Downside is, we have to commit to living in VT full-time by then. Upside: it will force us to go through that process of getting rid of our 30-year cache of stuff, because they want to bring in their furnishings--they don't want to rent our house furnished.
Another upside: We get to visit our own home. I should offer to turn half of the garage into an in-law suite. :)
If that happens, I really look forward to going through the purge process throughout the year, even though it's not going to be easy. At least I'll have the peace of mind that I won't be doing to them what some of the relatives in this thread have done to you guys. If DH and I stick to living in 700 sq ft, there's only going to be so much stuff to clean out when that time comes.
This would not be a positive for me, since I could not do business with my son--if they couldn't pay the rent, I could not evict them. I would also want that cash to get a bigger house in Vermont, but then that's me, I am really trying to upsize, having been living in very small spaces for the past twenty years, and really want to spread out a little, even if only up to 1200 square feet.
I guess for me it would be how it fit into my retirement plans, and how it would be to have my largest asset tied up with family, who are younger and at the height of their earning years, while mine are behind me. To me, it would not feel fair, as though I were still subsidizing them, but I guess it depends on how much you have, how much you like living in the 700 square foot space--it definitely ties your hands to rent to family, and I know that you can't rent to family and get the normal tax benefits of renting. So that is something you probably want to check into before saying yes.
Tybee, I think your points are very well taken. I'll think about it. But I know I want to downsize. It will be interesting to see how I feel about living in 700 sq.ft. When I did a 6-week stint in Ocean Grove, I LOVED it. Everything was right there. Tidying up was a snap. If I wanted to put my sweater away, the bedroom was about 7 steps from the living room. It felt like a cocoon. The big unknown now is, living small was great for 1 person, but how will it be with 2? That's the big IF.
With regard to my kids, it felt like a win for me because it would be stripping off the band-aid just a little bit more. And my son and DIL are both working professionals--he's a lawyer for the State, and she works for a Fortune 500 in cybersecurity. Next year their child care expenses will be cut in half. Unless a disaster happens, I don't see them as not being able to pay their rent. BUT I fully understand the land mine of doing business with family and friends (as we talked about in another thread).
Sorry for the brief hijack..
This conversation reminds me of a woman I met here in Co Springs who has actually made her livelihood off of befriending older folk without heirs; they have paid for houses full of stuff. She helps them navigate old age, driving them to doctor appts, preparing meals, doing taxes, etc and some have even left their houses and possessions to her in wills. She now has a dozen or more rentals with some of them from these relationships. I helped her clear out a house of the last elderly person she did this for; she spent nearly a year going through a huge amount of stuff kind of like Bae did with his MIL's house.
Teacher Terry
2-28-18, 2:17pm
We have rented in the past to our son and dil with no issues. Eventually we sold the property because we wanted the $. 1 person in 700 sq ft is fine but 2 if DH is messy will be a disaster in my opinion. I would have to kill dh. Plus we need to be able to have separate spaces. The smallest we can live comfortably in is 1400 sq ft and still not many steps to put things away.
1 person in 700 sq ft is fine but 2 if DH is messy will be a disaster in my opinion. I would have to kill dh. Plus we need to be able to have separate spaces. The smallest we can live comfortably in is 1400 sq ft and still not many steps to put things away.
I think it takes the right relationship, along with now to make a small space a success. It varies with each person.
We have ( per tax records) 985 sq ft in Florida, and have lived here comfortably for 30+ years, even raising two children. Our NC vacation home is somewhere between 600 - 650 sq ft, and it's not comfortable full time. We'd need to rework something to be anything other than snowbirds. It gets too close feeling, for sure!
AS someone else mentioned, I am having another look at all my baking dishes as one example. I have been here 3 1/2 years and have used just a couple of favourites. I should dispose of the rest and rearrange my cupboards. Good process to go though in layers of effort culling a little more each time.
Reading these stories, dealing with stuff from a family member who died, and listening to friends who have had to clean out houses has been enough to motivate me the last couple of years. Reading threads like these rejuvenates my decluttering in those times when I seem to "slack off". I know it is somewhat selfish, but I don't want the "cleaning out of stuff" to be the last thing people remember about me. Congrats to all the progress everyone is making/has made.
Was thinking about this after I visited an older friend who has now been officially diagnosed with dementia. She's single, in her late 70s, and has a house and garage full of items. She's not a hoarder but has never really decluttered either, meaning there's plenty of dishware, books, tools, etc. that all need to be reviewed and processed by her 3 adult children, only one of whom lives nearby. She's not planning to move just yet but I think she knows some kind of senior community living is in her near future.
My point: it's never too early to do what's being called the Swedish Death Cleaning. Unfortunately in my friend's current mental state she'll now be too agitated and distressed to make the many decisions on her artwork and household objects, so things she may have wanted to set aside for certain family or friends will now end up wherever her heirs decide. She's lost that right, after a lifetime of accumulation of nicer things.
Just had this discussion with a friend over lunch. He is another parent whose grown kids have told them they want none of the parent's, grandparent's or great-grandparent's things. Life has changed around us. It has been decades of discussing what would happen if consumers stopped consuming.
ApatheticNoMore
3-8-18, 12:15pm
Of course what if one plans to probably have some stranger discover one's rotted corpse someday anyway, and not really be missed by anyone at that point anyway (everyone else one really knew in the world having long since passed on perhaps). Or else to die forgotten and with alzheimers in some nursing home.
See I don't think us people without kids really care one iota if we leave behind a hoard are not (there might be other reasons not to be a hoard of course, but who the heck finds our body is definitely NOT one of them - and hey maybe they will even like some of our cool stuff we accumulated over the years after we have long departed - I do often think about if someone will like my stuff after I die - so not motivating to declutter at all really).
ANM: Yes, when I declutter it is really for our own benefit, to keep our little house comfortable and uncluttered.
Teacher Terry
3-8-18, 3:55pm
I do it too to keep our home from getting cluttered. It feels better to have less.
I agree it feels better to have less. Unfortunately I live with one or two individuals who haven't reached the same conclusion... at least not at this point in time. Now that things have been decluttered to a good degree, it's reach the stage of "yours" and "mine" and how much should one person be allowed to keep in a joint household.
Anyone else in a situation where you declutter and want less but the spouse/partner/other household member(s) do not?
I agree it feels better to have less. Unfortunately I live with one or two individuals who haven't reached the same conclusion... at least not at this point in time. Now that things have been decluttered to a good degree, it's reach the stage of "yours" and "mine" and how much should one person be allowed to keep in a joint household.
Anyone else in a situation where you declutter and want less but the spouse/partner/other household member(s) do not?
Yes, all of my married life.
I agree it feels better to have less. Unfortunately I live with one or two individuals who haven't reached the same conclusion... at least not at this point in time. Now that things have been decluttered to a good degree, it's reach the stage of "yours" and "mine" and how much should one person be allowed to keep in a joint household.
Anyone else in a situation where you declutter and want less but the spouse/partner/other household member(s) do not?
Oh God, yes.
To be fair, my own junk is endlessly fascinating to me, but DH’s junk is just junk. He fills basement and garage and tiny houses with it. Yet he comes up with stuff when we need it. He was saving a bed frame in the garage because it was useful as something something anvil or angle something something.
Now we need another bed frame and will use it as a bed frame.
I do not know what DH will do with the five toilets sitting in one of our tiny houses that now has to be cleaned out so we can sell it. Not my circus, not my monkies/toilets.
Teacher Terry
3-9-18, 12:22pm
Yes so his office has junk as well as the 1 car garage and shed. The rest of the house is neat and uncluttered. His areas are a mess. Unfortunately, he can't find stuff and rebuys it. I am convinced that he probably has 3 of every tool between all his spaces but he disagrees.
DH isn't really a stuff accumulator. Most of the awesome stuff around here belongs to me!
happystuff
3-10-18, 9:39am
Well, there is some comfort in being reminded that I'm not the only one. lol. Will miss the kids when they are gone, but not their stuff!!! lol
I just returned home after what was supposed to be a 1-week trip to clean out my mother-in-law’s home. She passed away 2 years ago. We’ve worked on the project for weeks at a time during these years, but hadn’t gotten to the meat of the problem yet.
She lived in a huge 4-story Victorian home for 60+ years, and was a bit of a hoarder.
Update. On the project described above 2 weeks ago, we worked with our realtor to hire a local junk hauler to remove the remnant materials from the home, the "3 flatbed trucks" part of the project. Took him and his helpers 3 more days beyond the orginal 1-day estimate, even though it was "empty". It took them that long because they were sorting the stuff into recyclable and thrift-storeable items, even though to my eye it was dumpster material. They removed 4 flatbed trucks worth, and left the firewood.
The 3.5 truckloads of material that had been sent to the auction house (mind you, this was stuff also that was essentially junk to my eye) fetched about $4000 at auction, we got the check for ~$2000 in the mail Saturday, after the commissions were deducted and the labor costs for moving the stuff from the house. This was pure gravy, I had initially intended on simply dumpstering the items, which would have cost money.
$500 for a house cleaning, some thoughtful market analysis on the offering price for the home then happened.
We received 4 offers the day we decided on a price, all from neighborhood people who had wanted this house forever and wanted to restore it and move into it. It never made it to MLS or the open market, we sold it, as-is, no conditions, within hours, for probably the best price or near-thereto. Carrying costs on the property sitting empty were about $1800/month, and the opportunity cost of the capital represented by the property was about $3600/month.
Just waiting for the timer to tick past on the closing, but this is a *huge* weight lifted off our shoulders.
We were about to head to Michigan to do the same process for the father-in-law's house, but simply do not have the energy at this time. We both collapsed with the flu the day of our return home, and would likely die if we left town for another month-long excavation effort.
iris lilies
3-12-18, 3:46pm
Bae. Well done. Or done, anyway. It took years, that is ridiculous.
Bae. Well done. Or done, anyway. It took years, that is ridiculous.
I am continuing my relentless practice of "one box a day" at home now, to radically reduce the clutter in our lives.
The "box" counts if it:
- Goes to Goodwill via givebackbox.com
- Goes to the transfer station via the garbage truck or my truck
- Goes to the library book donation station if it is books
- Goes to the "Exchange", our local re-use/recycle center via my truck
Books are the hardest for me. Over the past 6 months, I think I've removed 120 boxes of books from the home. Good high-quality books, books that I'd read. Books that I *might* someday read again. But they take up a lot of space, and at a certain point you have to ask yourself: how likely am I to *really* re-read or refer to one of these books? Simply *finding* a book takes a certain amount of time. We have conservatively 4-5000 volumes left around the house.
But the very nature of how we use books has changed over the 20 years we've been in the house. I rarely use the reference books unless they are very specific technical manuals - otherwise the Internet provides a faster, more up-to-date reference. I use Kindle for most trash/fun/ephemeral books now, I haven't bought a physical book of that type in probably 8 years, though people still insist on giving them to me for Christmas. Art/coffee-table books pile up, usually as a result of a gift, but never get looked at.
Make it stop :-)
Teacher Terry
3-12-18, 7:21pm
Last time we moved we gave away 40 boxes of books. Now if we get more then 30 books in our home I give away the ones I have read to people to keep the number below that.
Glad you finished at least one hoarder home cleanout, bae. Is the m-in-law related to the father-in-law you mentioned as the next cleanout?
Asking because if they were married at one point and both had the same hoarding issue that would be unusual. Either way I think everyone here has compassion for your having to do this herculean task twice.
mschrisgo2
3-12-18, 10:02pm
Bae, sounds like MILs home was more of a museum... glad you are finished with it! Not surprised you both got sick- the release of all that stress, yikes!
Hope the FIL home goes quicker when you get to it.
I, too, gave a tremendous amount of books (didn't really count, a pickup truck full of tightly packed boxes) to the local library sale last year, I have about 400 books left. I've bought exactly 4 books in the last 2 years, and already passed 3 of them on to other people. The other one I haven't gotten around to reading- so, exactly, how important was it to buy it?!
Thanks for the reminder about givebackbox.
Last Sunday I went back to my old neighborhood to visit some old friends and to visit my parents.
Their house... the hoarding... so, so much worse. I did not even know it could get this much worse.
iris lilies
6-8-19, 8:34am
Last Sunday I went back to my old neighborhood to visit some old friends and to visit my parents.
Their house... the hoarding... so, so much worse. I did not even know it could get this much worse.
I am sorry to hear this. Hoarding is a terrible terrible thing and it has such an awful impact on family members.
Teacher Terry
6-8-19, 11:25am
So sorry to hear this. I guess typically these type of situations just get worse.
Chicken lady
6-8-19, 11:46am
Ultralight, I am truly sorry.
Have you ever read Digging Out? It is intended for family members of hoarders. I am currently reading it to try to help work on communication with dh. I’m not sure how I feel about it, but it was suggested as helpful by a non-hoarding family member if a severe hoarder who involved in my support group. It addresses really severe cases.
I deleted part of my post because I was afraid it would be depressing, but you know, if you ever want to talk about it...
Ultralight
6-8-19, 11:50am
Ultralight, I am truly sorry.
Have you ever read Digging Out? It is intended for family members of hoarders. I am currently reading it to try to help work on communication with dh. I’m not sure how I feel about it, but it was suggested as helpful by a non-hoarding family member if a severe hoarder who involved in my support group. It addresses really severe cases.
I deleted part of my post because I was afraid it would be depressing, but you know, if you ever want to talk about it...
Post anything you want. I welcome your thoughts.
And yes, I read that book. I have read the entire canon of hoarding books. haha
My sis was surprised when I told her about the house getting worse. She has not gone in the house in 3 years -- since she was pregnant with her first kid.
Teacher Terry
6-8-19, 12:53pm
My MIL was a wonderful person but a hoarder. When she died she left behind a 2 bedroom trailer with a small shed. She bought collectibles thinking that they would be valuable one day. Still in original boxes worth nothing. Once empty we hired someone to clean it because it was so dirty. She owned it but not the land. The park had to approve the buyer or we would have to pay to have it disposed of. We found a young mom and sold it to her by her paying us a 100/month for 5 years with no interest. The park approved her and it was a win win.
My mother’s house, that was on my brother’s property, and brother’s house both burned to the ground in one of the huge California wildfires last year. [the only thing I was sad about was the family pictures lost]. They immediately relocated to their beach house in Oregon, and brother has since bought and renovated a 3500 sq ft home that the 3 of them are living in. Living, and Filling!!!
My mother is attempting to replace all of her stuff (70 year accumulation of dishes, artifical Christmas trees and decorations, dolls, painted bird houses, hand painted ceramics, beer steins, turtle figurines, china cups and saucers... and the list goes on)
Brother and SIL, “we buy everything we see, in person or online.”
I am flabbergasted.
My mother’s house, that was on my brother’s property, and brother’s house both burned to the ground in one of the huge California wildfires last year. [the only thing I was sad about was the family pictures lost]. They immediately relocated to their beach house in Oregon, and brother has since bought and renovated a 3500 sq ft home that the 3 of them are living in. Living, and Filling!!!
My mother is attempting to replace all of her stuff (70 year accumulation of dishes, artifical Christmas trees and decorations, dolls, painted bird houses, hand painted ceramics, beer steins, turtle figurines, china cups and saucers... and the list goes on)
Brother and SIL, “we buy everything we see, in person or online.”
I am flabbergasted.
Wow! It's really true...we must walk a mile in another's shoes to understand.
Chicken lady
6-8-19, 5:37pm
Hoarding is often a response to trauma.
Ultralight, you know you can expect the house to keep getting worse in the absence of intervention, right?
Yesterday I was turned down at the last minute for a job that seemed like I had a very strong chance of getting. They skipped the phone interview and went directly to a video interview. Then they flew me to NC for a campus visit with all day interviews. Then they did the background check. After that they completed the references.
Then yesterday they called to tell me I did not get it.
This was a bit of a gut punch, rather disappointing. I was down in the dumps.
As often happens when something occurs that disappoints me or brings me down, I get a little urge to minimize my stuff. Now, the urge is there, I feel it. And I think it is a comparatively good urge.
I recognized that I am at a comfortable level of minimalism and I did not need to minimize anything, so I didn't.
But I think that my mom and other hoarders, in order to deal with life's emotional problems, feel a different urge -- one to acquire more stuff, "retail therapy" or some such.
Hoarding is often a response to trauma.
Ultralight, you know you can expect the house to keep getting worse in the absence of intervention, right?
I wonder what the traumas were that caused my mom's hoarding. She grew up with an alcoholic father who cheated on her mom all the time. And her mom was also a hoarder, and maybe had some form of autism.
My grandma had some socially awkward problems for sure, and looking back, she did not read people well, like she could not see emotions in their faces. She connected much better with her cat or her dog than with seemingly any person.
Ultralight, you know you can expect the house to keep getting worse in the absence of intervention, right?
Yes, I know it will get worse. If my dad passes away first, it will get really, really bad and at lightening speed too.
If my mom passes, I could see my dad being like: "Put it all in the ****ing dumpster."
Then he'd get in the camper van and go to Florida, never to return.
I'm really sorry UL. I know you know intellectually about all of this, but its still hard to see this all unfold in person.
I'm really sorry UL. I know you know intellectually about all of this, but its still hard to see this all unfold in person.
Thanks.
Chicken lady
6-8-19, 6:33pm
Well, at least your dad has an option...
I believe hoarding has a genetic and neurological components. It has been linked to trauma, and to OCD, but I don’t know that either are causal. I can’t remember far enough back in my life to find the beginning of my hoarding behavior, so I guess if trauma is required, it might have been when i was tiny and my dad accidentally threw me down the stairs (he fell carrying me, brand new dad, bad reflexes.) but really, I think I just developed this way and my social environment reinforced it.
it is self soothing though - going into thrift stores is calming for me. Sorting through my hoard is calming for me. I have made progress though - I have gone from buying stuff in thrift stores, to collecting stuff in thrift stores and then putting it back, to just walking through the thrift store touching things. I do buy things sometimes, but with better reasons. I report to my support group every time I go in a thrift store, and I report everything I bring home that won’t be used up in a week or so, no matter how I got it, and we talk about why I got it and what I am going to do with it.
also, now, when I sort through the hoard I am more likely to find a thing to get rid of - and that makes me happy.
i do wonder if there is a link with alcoholism - I am not an alcoholic, but that also runs in my family.
i have also been told (as an adult) by people who work with autistic youth that I am probably on the spectrum. But not officially tested or anything - whatever. I’m 50. And I don’t like labels unless I see how they can be helpful.
i’m really sorry about your job.
Well, at least your dad has an option...
I believe hoarding has a genetic and neurological components. It has been linked to trauma, and to OCD, but I don’t know that either are causal. I can’t remember far enough back in my life to find the beginning of my hoarding behavior, so I guess if trauma is required, it might have been when i was tiny and my dad accidentally threw me down the stairs (he fell carrying me, brand new dad, bad reflexes.) but really, I think I just developed this way and my social environment reinforced it.
it is self soothing though - going into thrift stores is calming for me. Sorting through my hoard is calming for me. I have made progress though - I have gone from buying stuff in thrift stores, to collecting stuff in thrift stores and then putting it back, to just walking through the thrift store touching things. I do buy things sometimes, but with better reasons. I report to my support group every time I go in a thrift store, and I report everything I bring home that won’t be used up in a week or so, no matter how I got it, and we talk about why I got it and what I am going to do with it.
also, now, when I sort through the hoard I am more likely to find a thing to get rid of - and that makes me happy.
i do wonder if there is a link with alcoholism - I am not an alcoholic, but that also runs in my family.
i have also been told (as an adult) by people who work with autistic youth that I am probably on the spectrum. But not officially tested or anything - whatever. I’m 50. And I don’t like labels unless I see how they can be helpful.
A lot of good points and intriguing questions. Perhaps in the future some more research will clarify some of this.
i’m really sorry about your job.
I appreciate that. The thing was I was mostly interested in that job as a way to get out of my current one. The pay would have been better, benefits not better though. The working conditions would have been better. The hours would have been worse.
painted bird houses,
I've kept two birdhouses that my DD and her best friend painted when they were very young--probably about 10 or 11. I hated to throw them away because, well, they made them. (I can't throw away people's handmade things).
So they've sat on top of a metal shelf in the basement for 20 years--with me thinking, all I have to do is get a post for the back yard and put them up. Of course that never transpired.
We allowed one of the junk guys we've gotten to know in our downsizing to come into the house and look around and take what he wanted. He saw the birdhouses and asked if he could have them. My gut was "Oh, no! Not the birdhouses!! I could bring them to Vermont and put them on a post in my garden!" But I said "Sure"--and now I think about him at a NJ flea market selling my DD's novice handiwork, making a couple of bucks for himself and making someone happy--someone who may actually put it on a post in their back yard. Or even painting over it. But it's out of my hands now--literally. And I'm happy about that.
Yesterday I was turned down at the last minute for a job that seemed like I had a very strong chance of getting. They skipped the phone interview and went directly to a video interview. Then they flew me to NC for a campus visit with all day interviews. Then they did the background check. After that they completed the references.
Then yesterday they called to tell me I did not get it.
This was a bit of a gut punch, rather disappointing. I was down in the dumps.
As often happens when something occurs that disappoints me or brings me down, I get a little urge to minimize my stuff. Now, the urge is there, I feel it. And I think it is a comparatively good urge.
I recognized that I am at a comfortable level of minimalism and I did not need to minimize anything, so I didn't.
But I think that my mom and other hoarders, in order to deal with life's emotional problems, feel a different urge -- one to acquire more stuff, "retail therapy" or some such.
Seems like a very good analysis of the self and the situation. Kudos to you. I hope things improve for your parents. It's so hard when sometimes a person is only able to sit on the sidelines and watch.
I've kept two birdhouses that my DD and her best friend painted when they were very young--probably about 10 or 11. I hated to throw them away because, well, they made them. (I can't throw away people's handmade things).
So they've sat on top of a metal shelf in the basement for 20 years--with me thinking, all I have to do is get a post for the back yard and put them up. Of course that never transpired.
I've learned/still learning to take pictures of those things that the kids have made but it's time to relinquish. It seems easier for me to let go of the physical object as I still "have" the picture to revive the memory.
Teacher Terry
6-9-19, 11:23am
So sorry about the job UL. My friends lost their house in paradise and have a opposite reaction. They aren’t rebuilding and living in 2 bedroom apartment. They are being very selective about what they take from others or purchase. Hoarding is a sad disease and it’s definitely not stuff that’s the problem. It’s the symptom. It’s especially sad when it evolves into the home being unsanitary.
Terry, that’s absolutely true!
My hoarding came about because I was abused most of my youth by our housekeeper, my “mother”.
She he told me, regularly, my dad would get rid of me, if it wasn’t for her. Her daughter wanted to be me, and so stole my stuff. She gave away things, the more I liked it the more likely it was to be broken, stolen, donated, or belittled.
i was trained, for years, not to take care of my stuff, not to act like I liked it, not to arrange my room the way I wanted it, etc. and for decades afterwards, I had panic attacks when I tried to clean up my act. Because a clean space meant whatever I liked would be broken, stolen, made fun of, etc.
I had to get my PTSD diagnosed, do trauma work, write a memoir, then design a low stress cleaning plan, which is where I am now.
Cross your fingers, let’s hope it works this time!
rosarugosa
6-20-19, 5:49am
That sounds terrible, Newgig. I wish you the best of luck with your new plan.
Teacher Terry
6-20-19, 9:31am
New, that’s so sad. Glad you are doing better.
Thanks, we’ll see! After 50+ years of trying to deal with this, I’m not completely optimistic that it will work this time, either.
It might, but . . . .
Thanks, we’ll see! After 50+ years of trying to deal with this, I’m not completely optimistic that it will work this time, either.
It might, but . . . .
You certainly deserve it. Hugs.
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