meanwhile how do you sleep

[Zoe Girl]

Seriously, I don't know how to sleep with things hanging over my head. I am concerned about this meeting Thursday and it is a lot to live alone and be single right now. There are medications to help you fall asleep but not stay asleep, I stayed up extra late just to see if I could sleep longer. It is 1:30 ish and I am awake and anxious about everything, running all my mistakes through my head, feeling like I am the person who is not designed to survive or thrive in this world,

It seems that any positives I cling to during the day all disappear in the middle of the night, things seem much more ominous. I am acutely aware of what a friend said who is going through some really big trauma right now. She is such a sensitive and kind person she kept on talking about how much she appreciates that in the middle of the night she has her husband to reach out to, and how hard it must be to be single. She kept trying to give me work but my regular job was too big, and she understood I needed that paycheck with all the benefits. So I get a sense of deep understanding from her, and some validation that in the middle of the night it is okay to struggle (still sucks okay).

Going to try some tea and meditation,

[herbgeek]

So sorry ZG. FWIW, I'm not in any immediate trauma but I too wake up in the middle of the night reviewing every mistake I've ever made, and feel all the guilts and the shoulds and the sorries. I don't wish to wake my husband with all this so I just stare at the ceiling for an hour sometimes two before drifting off. If work is being particularly yucky, this is maybe a 2 or 3 times a week thing otherwise its like once a week. This started in my 50s, I'm assuming it goes along with menopause somehow.

I don't have any answers, but I do have empathy.

[sweetana3]

My husband is dealing with panic attacks in the middle of the night and has Xanax. But the doctor did not want him to take it (addicting) so gave him an antihistamine generic (hydroxyzine) that cost 22 cents after insurance. Its purpose is also to reduce anxiety (actually on the package insert) and cause drowsiness. It is helping. Two nights now without panic attacks. You might want to check it out.

[Baldilocks]

I too am sorry for your situation. I am married, but as the man, I feel overwhelming responsibility for everything and everyone. I am currently under crushing stress. We have a second home (underwater) that we are trying to climb out from under. Two weeks ago, I got a notice of a very large escrow shortage on the current house. That night I took my 22 year old son to the doctor to find he has Hodgkin's Lymphoma. Finally, I found out Monday I have a collapsed sewer line. (Another expensive thing) Fortunately, my kids are on spring break and my wife is staying at her mom's. Also, I have felt replaceable at work lately, but then, everyone is replaceable. Three things that help me.
1 Do the things you can control and take control of your mind. In my belief (Christian) we are told in the bible to take all thoughts captive(2 Corinthians 10:5). I wrote down every positive thing (Philippians 4:8) the doctor told me so I could dwell on those things.
2 Go to a bible believing church and become a member. You have to establish relationships for it to be real. If you walk in, stay for the service and walk out, you are cheating yourself. We can't help each other if we don't know each other. It's not easy, you have to find a good church, start to know people and be willing to be open. It helps me to know God Loves me and wants the best for me.
3 Exercise. There are both physical and emotional benefits to this. I must say currently I have fallen off the exercise wagon and have been relying primarily on my faith.
That said, I've been sleeping like a baby. My prayer time is when I unload all this stuff on God and then I do my best not to take it back. Also I read his word because I believe that is one of the way's he talks to me.
Dear Lord, please help Zoe to feel your peace in the storm of life. Amen
Sorry about all the preaching, but I truly hope the best for you.

[Chicken lady]

Carbs.

[dado potato]

I am sitting and watching the sunrise. May you be well, may you have a life of ease and comfort. Some worry and sleeplessness comes your way... may it quickly pass.

For an optimistic percussive few minutes, may I suggest "We Are Not Alone" by Frank Zappa...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dHx5C4O0Cvg

[Zoe Girl]

Thank you all, I called my employee assistance program and got a referral to a counselor. I have 5 free sessions to start, at least one thing decent out of my benefits. I will call him today. I also have a phone call with my job coach, and a call with my friend this morning. I can make a phone appointment with my psychiatrist and am considering telling work at this point. Not that I want to be totally excused for my mistakes but because I have been holding on to sanity for so long to take care of everyone without any breaks.

I also saw a couple other jobs, however I also saw an article about unemployment over 55 (I am 51) and got stressed again.

The obsessive looping is part of my bipolar so I am surprised that other people have it sometimes. I also am totally convinced that no one else has made the mistakes I have, most of the looping is imagining the conversation and how I will handle myself. When I talk to my supervisor alone I tend to have bad reactions and struggle to keep my cool. My last one I really felt assertive and this time he is bringing in his supervisor, again.

[Tybee]

I really like your idea about bringing in somebody from human resources. And good on you for calling EAP, that was the other thing I thought to tell you, so great minds think alike.

If you ever want another human to talk to, pm me!

[iris lilies]

That is great that you are contacting all of the professional helpers in your life.

Do not tell your workplace about your mental illness until you run that by your job coach and/ or therapist and they agree on a plan. When you tell you workplace about your medical issue there must be a point to it.

At ths time I am not sure that you have a point to make with that information, other than as an excuse for work screwups. That doesnt get you anywhere.

If you are asking for ADA type accomodation, that is a specific thing such as more time to complete work assignments, or specific waysof receiving communications (such as emails vs voice communication.) You would need to be clear about the accomodation you are requesting, state specific actions your supervisors need to take.

[ApatheticNoMore]

I'd just remember you don't know what will happen, this is just CBT-ish, sticking with reality. Of course it's almost harmless at this point to jump beyond that and tell yourself it will be fine if you can buy it (even though of course I can't guarantee it). But if you can tell yourself you will be fine it might help as that as at least as real as "I will get fired" (you don't know). Seeing professionals is more help than anyone here can give (generally even if they aren't that good, because they have more time to give).

Job market after 50, I make decisions with that in mind, thinking whether I'll even end up turning down a job with that in mind (because doing ever more dead end stuff and getting older ..). But in reality in any individuals situation it really truly depends on demand for them, it doesn't generalize. And you probably are better off in this sense in education than people in corporate America, it's probably a lot more open to older workers, corporate America is what most of the people who have this issue are having problems with, so it may not apply as much.

Yea I go over my mistakes, to the point I drive myself insane, looking at every possible present choice as a future mistake I will regret. In reality it's not so clear cut, we are often as time goes on faced with pretty constrained choices to begin with where a truly good choice might not be possible, and yet we have often tried to make the best of it.

[rosarugosa]

ZG: I am not bipolar, but I definitely have obsessive looping sometimes (that's a good name for it, I did not know) and the middle of the night is definitely prime time for that type of thing.

[rosarugosa]

Baldilocks: I am so sorry for all your stressful circumstances. I hope your son will be well.

[JaneV2.0]

It's weirdly comforting to me that so many people lie awake endlessly reviewing every mistake, misstep, and episode of bad judgment they've ever committed. Add in the usual accumulation of concerns we all have to think (or obsess) about, and it's a wonder any of us sleep. (I suspect in its more extreme form it's symptomatic of depression.) I call it the Worry Wheel.

You'll get through this, Zoe Girl; it's just another bump in the road.

[pinkytoe]

Another obsessive looper here though it's much better since retiring. I also find it very helpful to get outside every day, read inspirational books and remind myself to get over myself. Imagine if we lived as some primitive cultures did where there was no I, only we.

[Zoe Girl]

Well this sucks, thinking it is not going to get better as I get older or retire. I would have a hard time living like this for a long time.

[mschrisgo2]

Just one example of job prospects after 50... I left classroom teaching at age 54 and went to work for a private tutoring company- not as well paid, but also almost no work stress. (think- no interactions/conferences with parents, no unreasonable admins, no report cards, on site paid lesson planning time, 8-5 Mon-Friday, done, no infringement on my personal time). After 10 years, I applied for a classroom teaching position at my favorite grade level in public school, got it, and worked happily for 3 years, having just retired this past June, now with comfortable retirement pay and benefits. I qualify for Medicare with all of my years working in private industry, plus I have teacher's pension.

There are several others in our retired teachers group with very similar stories. There are teacher shortages almost every where, and the shortage is not going to get better any time soon. I guess my point is that there are options and people do land on their feet.

I sometimes wake up at night, but I spend that time spinning fantasies of travel and exploration and visiting friends who have moved far away, etc. I used to ruminate over the "bad" things- until someone told me, "If you're going to make up stories, they might as well be good ones!"

[Baldilocks]

Baldilocks: I am so sorry for all your stressful circumstances. I hope your son will be well.
Thank you. We are resilient if nothing else. Tomorrow we go to one of the best hospitals in the area (University of Chicago Medical center) for his treatment plan. Either tomorrow afternoon or Friday morning they start on the sewer and the sewer insurance pays all but the deductible. And on a more positive note, all the stress is helping with my weight loss. I consider myself a recovering pessimist. You can't be hopeless (pessimistic) and offer a message of hope. I debated about sharing, and didn't want to hijack the thread. I just wanted to show that there is hope in the midst of the storm.

[rosarugosa]

I'm glad you shared, Baldilocks. We like to support each other through the bad stuff as well as cheer each other on through the good stuff. It's nice to be near a major medical hub when someone you love has a serious medical condition.

[Zoe Girl]

Just one example of job prospects after 50... I left classroom teaching at age 54 and went to work for a private tutoring company- not as well paid, but also almost no work stress. (think- no interactions/conferences with parents, no unreasonable admins, no report cards, on site paid lesson planning time, 8-5 Mon-Friday, done, no infringement on my personal time). After 10 years, I applied for a classroom teaching position at my favorite grade level in public school, got it, and worked happily for 3 years, having just retired this past June, now with comfortable retirement pay and benefits. I qualify for Medicare with all of my years working in private industry, plus I have teacher's pension.

There are several others in our retired teachers group with very similar stories. There are teacher shortages almost every where, and the shortage is not going to get better any time soon. I guess my point is that there are options and people do land on their feet.

I sometimes wake up at night, but I spend that time spinning fantasies of travel and exploration and visiting friends who have moved far away, etc. I used to ruminate over the "bad" things- until someone told me, "If you're going to make up stories, they might as well be good ones!"

oh thank you! Very much what i needed to hear