View Full Version : the definition of power and control
I think this is relationship based, even though it is a work one. It is a pattern one as well. I realized this is the total definition of power and control. My supervisor and I talked about something the Friday before spring break, I had made a decision and he seemed fine on the phone with it. Then Saturday morning he sends an email that I get Sunday night saying I am facing disciplinary action for making the decision, and he is gone on a cruise for the week of course so I can't talk it out with him. I am a wreck, making plans to be fired, or quit immediately. I go to my DR and my counselor, basically waste part of my break on this. When I saw my counselor and described my symptoms I got a probable diagnoses of PTSD, (no wonder I am struggling to let go of stuff).
In any case yesterday we had our meeting, he brought it up and I asked what happened since we were fine on the phone. He said he had been fine, he agreed with my decision, and then he realized I had made a decision. So the simple act of a qualified subordinate (don't know if female is part of it) making a decision was all it took for him to become threatening. Like seriously WTF! But unfortunately I know this is pretty common. Back to relationships of power and control, will we ever get beyond that as humans? Who knows, I am just working very hard to move on, but we all know this will come up again because,,, well humans.
Sometimes it is not power and control but simply a bad fit between people working together. If someone in a supervisory position is into control, those working with him or her require clear boundaries established. Autonomy is not an option. Unfortunately, those who are wanting autonomy are in a bad fit. Yes, as the supervisor changes, the boundaries will change.
iris lilies
4-4-18, 10:39am
I am glad you asked him “what happened?” because I wondered the same thing. Apparently you “made a decision” and he didnt want you to decide on that exact thing.
The specific problem here is that he has not (apparently?) articulated to you decisions you may not make. Or else he HAS articulated those facts and you are not listening and complying.
I think your 2nd paragraph above reflects thinking that I call “spinning” and it is unproductive for your work. It is “awfulizing” and generalizing, and just not useful. Certainly I understand doing some of it when feeling bad but perhaps starting this thread might indicate you are focusing too much on spinning thoughts. You can throw around ideas of control, sex discrimination and human falibility all you like, but those thoughts (while being true in some sense) sound like an excuse.
Anyway, to me it seems that the real problem is your supervisor does not want you to make specific decisions without consulting him and you dont comply. Why is that? At this point, after the Improvement meeting with him, you should have the facts you need to comply. Do you have those facts?
I am glad you asked him “what happened?” because I wondered the same thing. Apparently you “made a decision” and he didnt want you to decide on that exact thing.
The specific problem here is that he has not (apparently?) articulated to you decisions you may not make. . .
At this point, after the Improvement meeting with him, you should have the facts you need to comply. Do you have those facts?
I was hoping that at the meeting, a list would be made of what decisions required his sign off--not input, but rather required him to officially make them or sign off on them, since you get his input and then he says you do something you are not authorized to do.
Was there a clear list drawn of what you are authorized to do, what decisions, and what you are not authorized to do?
I think you might need to request another meeting and have that list made up, in presence of his supervisor. And that is where I would address the really big problem you mention of him not giving your staffing and forcing you to hold camp when you are short staffed, which I thought, from what you said earlier, is illegal.
I would also get this list and I would go to an attorney with all your documentation, because his comment to you about exercise seems like something you could interpret as harassment.
Sorry to anybody who is offended by that--if he is taunting you, you have support for a claim that he is bullying you.
Do something with what you have, now.
Teacher Terry
4-4-18, 2:26pm
I totally agree with Tybee.
Thank you all, I understand that from the outside it is hard to tell. And on the authoritative scale I am very low. I get irritated with my staff when they need too much hand holding, I want them to make good decisions so that usually comes with a few bad decisions and you can't freak out about it. Even with kids I want to teach them skills to make good decisions, it seems that our department has now moved towards a much more authoritative style (or just maybe with him?).
The history includes when I had such a difficult staff decision that I asked his advice for, I honestly did not know the best way to handle it, and he basically said no.
iris lilies
4-4-18, 10:59pm
Hey Zoe, this latest post from you is a lot of story. A lot of summary, a lot of background, a lot of tangent. You know, those of us here listen a lot to your rants about work. That is all ok. really.
But for for the good of the order, could you answer this direct question, and perhaps elaborate on it: do you now know what decisions your boss wants you to NOT make?
He said i make none concerning my program, registrations, programming, staffing, were part of it. I think i am allowedto coordinate directlyfrom withthe school. Programs that are supervised by another supervisor (my summer camp) i can make the decisions they allow me to make. That is as clear as he made it and his supervisorwas there.
What strategy was developed so that the process of procuring approval would be followed? Do you make a summary of activities or program for the week, month and submit for for review? I cannot believe that there isn't some process for all these programs that each staff member and supervisor must follow. What is the format for other staff? Is there a uniform process that each supervisor must follow? I find it hard to believe that each supervisor can change a process and create confusion. Ask for that process or set of procedures.
ZG:
I encourage you to go back and read through all the posts you have posted on here about your work.
Then ask yourself: "Is this really worth it?"
So I edited my stuff to get out of the story as much.
Basically how do we deal with power and control, when we feel on the receiving end, when we catch ourselves needing a lot of control. Etc. I can't really prove anything about my situation, I can only talk about how it affected me. Maybe he didn't mean it that way, maybe he is totally unconscious about it? Who knows, but I was looking for a universal element I think, the combination of times when we are responsible and accountable but have no power in decisions. Sometimes we can't just leave, or get out as quickly as we want. I have learned the only way to change it is to simply leave, and I am working my rear off to do that. Meanwhile it has had an affect on me of course. It is REALLY good to name it clearly.
Zoe, STOP. Stop. Breathe.
Now, get a grip. You are always catastrophizing, always bouncing to and from your doctor, always looking for sympathy and justification, hoping for a diagnosis that lets you off the hook. Whether it’s your work life, your family, your Buddhist group or your friends, there’s always this gasping out-of-breath-gripped-by-panic atmosphere. Everything’s always awful, everybody misunderstands you, nobody ever appreciates you or your work, nobody ever takes your needs into account. From outside, there’s a clear pattern and a common factor.
IF (a very big IF) you have PTSD, you’re in for the roughest ride of your life.- if you want to be in control of your own life. DO NOT use it as a get-out of-jail-free card. That’s cheap and nasty.
I’ve lived with PTSD (after diagnosis) for 25 years, and it takes bloody hard, consistent, relentless work to get on top of it. It takes determination to face the incident/s that brought it on. You have to be willing to grab the demons and haul them into the light, over and over. Each time they do shrink a little and lose some of their power. It takes consistency to rewire the neural pathways.
I’ve worked through biofeedback and autogenics training. I’ve done CBT and Burns therapy. Year after year. I’m on top of it now. I still sometimes have flashbacks and panic attacks, much rarer now, much less intense. I have my coping mechanisms ingrained. I still break out in drenching sweats and my muscles tremble, but I don’t lose it.
Stop. Breathe. Do as others have suggested - ask your supervisor for a clear written job description, directives, and standard operating procedures. Be pro-active. Don’t whine or self-justify. Say that you’re concerned that you may have misunderstood what is required of you and you would like to improve your performance. Bear in mind that different supervisors have different goals and values, so a new boss may not accept what was good enough for a previous boss.
So I edited my stuff to get out of the story as much.
Basically how do we deal with power and control, when we feel on the receiving end, when we catch ourselves needing a lot of control. Etc. I can't really prove anything about my situation, I can only talk about how it affected me. Maybe he didn't mean it that way, maybe he is totally unconscious about it? Who knows, but I was looking for a universal element I think, the combination of times when we are responsible and accountable but have no power in decisions. Sometimes we can't just leave, or get out as quickly as we want. I have learned the only way to change it is to simply leave, and I am working my rear off to do that. Meanwhile it has had an affect on me of course. It is REALLY good to name it clearly.
I think one way we deal with it is to try to reframe our consciousness and realize that we do have power, in any situation. We remember what Einstein said about not being able to solve a problem at the consciousness at which is was created. So we need to rise above that, to feel less trapped and "at the mercy of."
That is what I try to do, anyway, with varying degrees of success!
I agree with Ultralight, get out fast as you can.
No one protects us from idiot managers in the workplace unless you are Union?
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