Break up in family

[Chicken lady]

My heart daughter is separating from her gf. For good and sufficient reasons. It is a wise and healthy choice, but her heart is breaking. It is complicated by the fact that they co-own a business and intend to continue working together. I am currently being relieved that gf refused to marry dhd and the house is only in dhd’s name (she also has records that she has made all the mortgage payments).

It is further complicated by the fact that dhd still loves her. I am angry at gf for the things that have led to this, but she is who she is. And I am mostly sad. Six years ago the gf was instrumental in saving dhd’s life, and so, on balance I can forgive her a lot.

i am working very hard at being supportive without going all mama bear. Heart daughter is currently being very self-blaming because this is her second failed relationship. While I agree that she has a lot of personal work to do, it is about continuing to become stronger and make good choices for herself. It was not her fault that her xdh was an abusive sociopath. It was not her fault that her gf “failed to grow up” as dh put it.

I have never been through anything like this. The failed relationships in my life have been at best shadows of what she is facing and I had a foundation of trust and support in my birth family. I want to help her feel safe talking to me. She is very bad at asking for help. I have been known to force it on her, but only in extremes, and in one case it resulted in her lying to me to make me go away - we later discussed how that was bad for both of us and how communicating with me honestly in a limited way would have been beneficial even from her POV (protecting an abuser) at the time. I think she trusts me more now.

It is hard to balance caring for your children and respecting their agency. It is harder when you weren’t around for that child’s formative years and they don’t have a healthy model of family to fall back on.

[Ultralight]

I am sorry you all are going through this, especially sorry for her. But it could be a good thing in the future.

Also: Many of my lesbian friends have split with their GFs and remained friends and/or roommates. I asked some of them about it and they say: "Very common in the lesbian community." I had no idea. I was like: "Uh-oh, life collapse!"
But they were right: Things went fine.

The first two weeks of heart break are the most painful. Then it starts the slow process of mending. Be there for her for these two weeks any time and way you can.

Hang in there!

[Chicken lady]

This is a little more complicated because dhd is bi and gf and the woman she has been having an affair with have been poisoning the local lesbian community against dhd.

They may end up as friends if they can both learn healthier approaches to relationships (dhd needs to learn boundaries and self respect, gf needs to learn honesty and responsibility) but this is not a “mutual incompatibility” break up. It’s a “you finally hurt me more than I can bear” break up.

(I pretty much remained friends with all of my past relationships. I had two ex boyfriends at my wedding and a former lover in the wedding party. I really think it’s more about the nature of the relationship/break up than gender and community)

[Ultralight]

This is a little more complicated because dhd is bi and gf and the woman she has been having an affair with have been poisoning the local lesbian community against dhd.

They may end up as friends if they can both learn healthier approaches to relationships (dhd needs to learn boundaries and self respect, gf needs to learn honesty and responsibility) but this is not a “mutual incompatibility” break up. It’s a “you finally hurt me more than I can bear” break up.

(I pretty much remained friends with all of my past relationships. I had two ex boyfriends at my wedding and a former lover in the wedding party. I really think it’s more about the nature of the relationship/break up than gender and community)

That has happened to friends of mine too. Par for the course -- but still really dang hard when you are in the thick of it. So my heart goes out to her.

When I was in Bama, one of my wife and I's girlfriends had a girlfriend who had done this to her. But within a couple months she was back in "cluster f*&%k" (the nickname they called their community of lesbians and reluctantly, bi women) who met regularly once per week (at least) for half-off apps at the Applebees. haha

It was like a cycle where things like you and I have been talking about here went on and on. At the end of the day almost all stayed friends and/or room mates.

[Ultralight]

Even the "lugs and bugs" were accepted by "clusterf#@k."

[JaneV2.0]

A relative of mine went through this, except she was married. They were together for ten happy years, got married and lasted a year. As in your dhd's case, the house was in my relative's name, and as with Ultralight's friends, they're still on good terms. So these things happen, we learn from them and go on--but it probably seems like the end of the world to your loved one. Time heals, but in the meantime...I would say be there for her in an unobtrusive way.

[iris lilies]

Do these people have children together, or is the little boy a child of just one of them? whatever the answer, it is still hard on him to be jerked around the adult breakup merry go round. Wont he miss one of his moms?

[messengerhot]

My heart daughter is separating from her gf. For good and sufficient reasons. It is a wise and healthy choice, but her heart is breaking. It is complicated by the fact that they co-own a business and intend to continue working together. I am currently being relieved that gf refused to marry dhd and the house is only in dhd’s name (she also has records that she has made all the mortgage payments).

It is further complicated by the fact that dhd still loves her. I am angry at gf for the things that have led to this, but she is who she is. And I am mostly sad. Six years ago the gf was instrumental in saving dhd’s life, and so, on balance I can forgive her a lot.

i am working very hard at being supportive without going all mama bear. Heart daughter is currently being very self-blaming because this is her second failed relationship. While I agree that she has a lot of personal work to do, it is about continuing to become stronger and make good choices for herself. It was not her fault that her xdh was an abusive sociopath. It was not her fault that her gf “failed to grow up” as dh put it.

I have never been through anything like this. The failed relationships in my life have been at best shadows of what she is facing and I had a foundation of trust and support in my birth family. I want to help her feel safe talking to me. She is very bad at asking for help. I have been known to force it on her, but only in extremes, and in one case it resulted in her lying to me to make me go away - we later discussed how that was bad for both of us and how communicating with me honestly in a limited way would have been beneficial even from her POV (protecting an abuser) at the time. I think she trusts me more now.

It is hard to balance caring for your children and respecting their agency. It is harder when you weren’t around for that child’s formative years and they don’t have a healthy model of family to fall back on.

I'm saddened to hear such kind of situations. But, don't worry, it will pass and everything will be for the best.

[Chicken lady]

Iris lilies, he is only our boy. He lives with his father four weeknights a week during the school year. (honestly, i’m not sure why he even gets to have a relationship with his son, but her xmil is heavily involved and many people are watching like hawks.) The woman who is leaving was a very reluctant “mom” and while he may miss her, they also have a lot of conflict, so honestly he may be happier having his actual mom to himself on weekends. He calls xgf by her first name. At one point he experimented with “mom” but dropped it.

heartdaughter is very concerned about guiding him through the whole thing. She brought up her guilt over putting her son through two failed relationships and commented that she was the same age her mother was when she got divorced the second time. I had to tell her she is not in any way her mother!

anyway, the boy will still see the other woman fairly regularly because he has activities at their place of work, and dhd is willing to facilitate them having time together if he wishes and she is willing.

meanwhile, I will see him more because dhd has one fewer childcare provider. :) for me.

[iris lilies]

Iris lilies, he is only our boy. He lives with his father four weeknights a week during the school year. (honestly, i’m not sure why he even gets to have a relationship with his son, but her xmil is heavily involved and many people are watching like hawks.) The woman who is leaving was a very reluctant “mom” and while he may miss her, they also have a lot of conflict, so honestly he may be happier having his actual mom to himself on weekends. He calls xgf by her first name. At one point he experimented with “mom” but dropped it.

heartdaughter is very concerned about guiding him through the whole thing. She brought up her guilt over putting her son through two failed relationships and commented that she was the same age her mother was when she got divorced the second time. I had to tell her she is not in any way her mother!

anyway, the boy will still see the other woman fairly regularly because he has activities at their place of work, and dhd is willing to facilitate them having time together if he wishes and she is willing.

meanwhile, I will see him more because dhd has one fewer childcare provider. :) for me.
How old is he?

[Chicken lady]

9.

[iris lilies]

At this rate he will see two more significant others of his mother in his household by the time he is of majority age. I guess kids like this get used to it, but it is too bad.

Granted, I am seeing this through the lense of a situaion close to us. Not a relative, but a friend is dealing with a bi-polar daughter who is on SO #3 and her little boy is only 6 years old. At this rate this little boy will have had 7 or so “daddies” by the time he reaches adulthood. Yay, him.

[ToomuchStuff]

I am sorry for your loss, and happy you made friends with that gal that got the heart.

[Chicken lady]

Too much stuff, I call her my heartdaughter because i did not give birth to or adopt her, so I am not her legal mom. I did not marry her parent, and so I am not a stepmom. She did not marry my child, and so I am not her mother in law. And when I met her, the foster system had recently emancipated her and thrown her to the wolves, and so I am not her foster mom.

but I am her mom anyway. Because she asked me to be her mom. And I love her.

iris lilies, I am sad for that child. My heartdaughter is sad for her child. But his father left her for dead on the living room floor one night and snuck out with him in the morning before she regained consciousness. She got into the relationship with her current ex partner too fast and too soon, but at the beginning, it was something she needed. They have been trying to overcome a lot of clear red flags for years (like exgf really not wanting kids or marriage) she knows that this time she needs to learn to stand on her own and set boundaries. That she deserves to have someone who wants to meet her needs and shares all the of the goals that are important to her. That she deserves to be loved and doesn’t need to be rescued again.