empathetic people,

[Zoe Girl]

I am asking people who consider themselves highly empathetic, but everyone is welcome.

I am wondering if people who are highly empathetic have others who understand it? Not thinking that this is a better or worse characteristic, not that empathy necessarily makes you a better person, more about if you have some understanding people. I had one of those wonderful moments where I used a lot of empathy and in the follow up conversation my supervisor was both frustrated with me and baffled by it. He really doesn't understand it or why it may be important. Now I have a really pissed off parent and I am worn out, I don't have a lot of empathy resources. What fills it up is some level of appreciation or at least neutral response, not negative.

I did have a wonderful parent experience, that was great. No one who is on the receiving end of empathy complains, but it is often misunderstood. Do other people have experiences of understanding.

[bae]

I am overly empathic. I find I must carefully curate my exposure to other people, or their feelings/emotions override mine.

It is a very handy ability when I am responding to a call for a sick or injured person, and it is very handy for some of my more non-traditional hobbies/interests. But basically it is a curse.

[Zoe Girl]

Thank you bae, i know that there was this romanticizing of empathy in my opinion. It sucks imho. I work at not tearing up all the time, at putting things in perspective and being misunderstood. It is really nice for other people when i can be there for them, but honestly my work doesn't want this.

Reminds me of a training to get your brain to cross talk more, like who would really want that. I find that the outside the box thinking is not what anyone wants even though they say they do

[flowerseverywhere]

it can be a good trait but keeping it in check is very difficult but important. When you work with people it is easy to get overwhelmed by sadness. You would think in our advanced society life would be easier, but unfortunately the pressures of society and the increase in poverty or middle class people struggling to stay afloat is truly sad. You have struggled to better yourself, and you know how hard it is. Sometimes one step forward is so hard, and two steps back can happen in the blink of an eye.
All you can do every day is your best. We are all unique and for my faults, I personally don’t want to lose my uniqueness. Bad and good.

[LDAHL]

I have the gift of insensitivity, for which I am truly grateful. It helps shield me from people trying to make their problems my problems, and allows me to help the people I choose to help in a more practical manner.

[iris lilies]

I have the gift of insensitivity, for which I am truly grateful. It helps shield me from people trying to make their problems my problems, and allows me to help the people I choose to help in a more practical manner.
Yep, me too. I DO consider it a gift. Just the other day I was talking to my close friend about a new neighbor. My friend said “I don’t think she likes me.” I said, “hey, I got that same vibe from her about me, and you know how insensitive I am. So if I get the vibe also, then we KNOW there is trouble from that person. “

Rather than an early detector of trouble I am the confirmer, a valuable role, hahah..we can ignore the early alarmists because they cry wolf too often, but if Iris senses trouble with a person then there is trouble! I used to be like that at work, the person who figured out that by the time I considered someone a giant pain in my ass, many had written that same person off as PITA.

I often think I should lead classes in setting boundaries with other humans, self actualization, and the like. Yeah, I will be a “life coach!” ‘Cept who would hire me? I wont stroke them and fondle their little egos. “Tough Love Coaching, Baby! “ would be my motto.

[JaneV2.0]

Iris Lilies' post reminds me of my all-time favorite counselor: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XfmVBmDKLZI

My empathy is strong when it comes to the helpless (animals, small children, the elderly), and diminishes from there. I've had a lot of exposure lately to emotionally taxing situations, and so far I'm holding up OK, so I think I've hit the right balance.

[dado potato]

I don't have ulcers. I give them. -- Harry Cohn, entertainment mogul.

[Teacher Terry]

I am very empathetic which is why I changed careers a few times. I found that working as a therapist and social worker were really tough on me emotionally. When I decided to get into vocational testing and career counseling it was a much better fit because I was helping people but did not have a long term relationship with them.

[catherine]

I am overly empathic. I find I must carefully curate my exposure to other people, or their feelings/emotions override mine.


+1

I think that's why I like being alone for long stretches of time. I get to recharge my batteries and refresh the "me" in me.

[Lainey]

Like others, it took me a while as an adult to know how to set boundaries. I am empathetic by nature but at the same time I'm a practical person, so if someone is suffering due to their own continued bad choices then my empathy drops to nil.

I have also wondered how those in the helping professions manage to do it year after year. I remember reading an article once about a priest on sabbatical whose only request was that no one ask him for anything. Made me realize how draining their daily life must be.

[Tammy]

I’ve been a nurse for 21 years, the last 18 of those in psychiatry.

I manage by never volunteering, never going to church, etc. When I’m working I’m giving of myself. When I’m off work it’s all about me and my family and a few close friends who are not draining. I find my grandkids invigorating and entertaining, but I even limit my time with them once in a while if work has been intense.

If you only saw me during off work hours you might think I’m selfish, but if you saw during work you’d think I was a saint.

[Simplemind]

I consider myself very empathetic which is why I do what I do. People often wonder how I do it (often the ones who I am helping in the moment) and say they could never do it themselves. The best way I can explain it is that although a situation is tragic, it isn't MY tragedy. I am there to do a job and indulging my feelings would diminish my ability to be there for others. When somebody is in shock and feels like they are going crazy the last thing they need to see is me appearing emotionally out of control as well. I won't say there aren't nights that I don't pour a glass of wine the minute the shift is over. I had one last year that after driving a mile I needed to pull over and pray for the family I just left and I have NEVER felt compelled to do that. I am debriefed within 24 hours and honestly, after a few days they completely leave my mind with few exceptions. It is the scenes where something beautiful counterbalanced the situation that stick with me. I have left some where I feel that I was touched by grace and left with more that I came with. Those are the calls that make me weep and keep me coming back. We have a huge amount of turn over because it can be overwhelming if you can't separate yourself.

[catherine]

I’ve been a nurse for 21 years, the last 18 of those in psychiatry.

I manage by never volunteering, never going to church, etc. When I’m working I’m giving of myself. When I’m off work it’s all about me and my family and a few close friends who are not draining. I find my grandkids invigorating and entertaining, but I even limit my time with them once in a while if work has been intense.

If you only saw me during off work hours you might think I’m selfish, but if you saw during work you’d think I was a saint.

Great way to put it, and I so appreciate the work that you and simplemind and others like you do. I've done a lot of interviews with oncologists, and I've concluded that working so closely to the marrow of life and death is a true calling. It must have its own rewards for you. I'm a "flight" person on the fight or flight spectrum, so I can only look at you guys in awe for what you give yourself to.

[Tammy]

My husband was a pastor for the first 20 years of our marriage. I’ve been a nurse since about year 17 of our marriage - so only a few years of overlap.

I don’t think I could be a pastors wife and a nurse simultaneously without losing my mind.

Even though I’m mostly agnostic now, I think of my work as I did my church stuff. Mission focused. That’s probably how I survive.

[Zoe Girl]

I balance out my work by not donating to anything but my buddhist teachers. I care about everything but i am not covering basic human needs by donations.

And i watch and read fiction with lots of murders and dystopian futures

[Williamsmith]

I can’t be convinced that latent empathy is not the result of a genetic predisposition. False empathy presents itself as the result of a social construct and masquerades as caring. In truth, for me, it is mostly self serving. This might seem like a crude view but after much soul searching, I can’t explain why I could look upon an obviously dead monarch butterfly along a rails to trails path with empathy in the afternoon and in the morning view the obituary of someone who died a violent death with impassivity.

[Suzanne]

Yes, I’m an empath. I can become physically ill in situations where somebody near me is sick or in emotional turmoil. I’ve often been asked if I’m a mind reader. Over the years, I’ve taught myself to, as it were, put up a force field around myself. I maintain emotional distance between me and my colleagues, and even me and my friends and family. It’s like turning down the sound on the radio. It does take a lot of psychic energy, so I get very tired in social situations. I dread and avoid crowded places.

Just as important, I’ve learned not to emit. Empaths can be a source of great distress to others if we don’t insulate ourselves. We not only pick up other people’s emotions - we may very well amplify them. What we pick up as a whisper we may emit as a nerve-shredding shriek. We have to take care of ourselves to avoid constant anxiety and burnout - and be very careful of others.

I need and love alone time.

[Zoe Girl]

I worry that I am not good enough at shielding and stopping my output. I can see that people sometimes just react to me, and then it goes badly. I work at my meditation for that reason.

I guess that is the random guilt, but I also see that I can help. I sense sometimes that people get frustrated because i hold back and they think I can do more.

In any case not a good weekend

[Float On]

I'm in the empathy camp as well but have learned to put a shell around it. I deal a lot with benevolence cases and most of the people seeking assistance really key in on that and can take advantage of someone who expresses empathy. I've learned to deflect and take back control of the conversation and to wrap it up. If I don't continually redirect and get back on track in the conversation I could find myself in an hour or longer conversation where they continually try to get more out of me.

[iris lilies]

?..I can’t explain why I could look upon an obviously dead monarch butterfly along a rails to trails path with empathy in the afternoon and in the morning view the obituary of someone who died a violent death with impassivity.


Your empathy meter is going in and out unreliably. Should get that thang checked. ;)

[Zoe Girl]

If I don't continually redirect and get back on track in the conversation I could find myself in an hour or longer conversation where they continually try to get more out of me.

I had a situation before I learned that with a difficult person who kept me while she was talking for so long I almost fainted. I was pregnant and was always needing to eat and she was just NOT getting it. Her roommate finally stepped in and helped me just leave. I can't even remember why I was at her apartment but I never interacted with her again. I consider myself good at deflecting and sometimes I basically need to get rude, but the people like that tend to get used to people being rude to them.

[messengerhot]

As an empathic person myself, I have learned the benefits of keeping it under control because definitely, there are a lot of people out there who aren't as empathic as I am. They even consider it weird sometimes, but I don't think we'd have to take it away altogether. Empathic people have the ability to see through others the way they haven't been seen before and in this world that may sometimes seem to have grown cold about love, we are what the world needs. And I guess that's very beautiful.

[iris lilies]

I had a situation before I learned that with a difficult person who kept me while she was talking for so long I almost fainted. I was pregnant and was always needing to eat and she was just NOT getting it. Her roommate finally stepped in and helped me just leave. I can't even remember why I was at her apartment but I never interacted with her again. I consider myself good at deflecting and sometimes I basically need to get rude, but the people like that tend to get used to people being rude to them.

There are some people who can produce marathon talk sessions. You just have to talk over them saying “goodby, gotta go now” and then turn heel and leave, always with a smile plastered on your face. It is the same skill on the phone when salespeople call.

I do it at least 3 times daily. When they start yakking at me in a call I talk over them and say “thank you, not interested” and hang up.

Something to keep in mind for those timid about interrupting the yakkers is that THEY are being rude by ignoring social cues for conversational exchange. Polite people engage in an exchange, not a monopoly.

DH is 63 years old and only this year learned to get rid of phone salesman. It used to make me mad that he would actually stand withh the phone on his ear for minutes at a time, listening to the sales pitch, and then he would,say no, I am not interested in a weak voice, and contnue to say that, waiting for them to get off the line.

He disnt GeT IT that they will NEVER get off the line.

I blew my stack when one time he told the sales caller “call back this afyernoon” because guess who was home this afternoon? Me. And he wasnt. He simply could not summon the moxie to tell them “no, goodbye.”

But he has finally leadned that and now dispatches the sales calls quickly.

[Teacher Terry]

I just hang up on sales calls.

[JaneV2.0]

My SO, who would entertain the Devil himself, actually used to engage with telemarketers. I don't even answer the phone, personally. I turned the ringer off on my land line, and block random callers with abandon on my cell. People who are in sales don't want their time wasted, and neither do I.

[KayLR]

I'm an empath---to the point of detriment on occasion, mentally. It seems like I've grown moreso as I get older. I let things bother me and I have been interested in what some of you have said about self-care. So far, I've only noticed the passing of time that really helps me get over things.

Last month, my neighbor guy across the street was killed on his motorcycle. He was 30-ish. His little girl's birthday sign was in their front window for 2 weeks and it just killed me. (His SO is staying with her parents). When I saw his mother (whom I had never met before) over at the house cleaning I went to her to offer sympathy and help if needed and we both cried. I was not close to the neighbor; we were casual acquaintances, friendly, he'd watch my porch for deliveries when I wasn't home at Christmas, etc., we'd make chitchat. It just seemed so awful, and my heart went out to his mom.

This week we've had a spate of nasty vandalism in a bathroom here at my work---turns out it was a high school kid here on a theater camp. I mean, this was gross, intentional, sick stuff. I felt horrible for the janitor who had to clean it up (gave him a gift card), and for the boy and his parents-- There are some real issues there to deal with. My stomach was literally sick for 2 days over this.

I wish I didn't react so intensely.

Now, sales calls I have no problem with---Before I hang up I tell them in no uncertain terms, "Remove me from your list right now!" I block numbers, too.

[razz]

Interesting thread.

Is it empathy if I am totally exhausted after a long day of interacting with those who need a lot of emotional support. I have learned to set strict boundaries for those who suck the life out of me. Give them an inch of attention and they will gobble one up. But is that empathy?

[Zoe Girl]

Could be razz, definitely introverted. Sometimes people are drawn to those with empathy to naturally share everything and it takes some skills to get out of that. I think I have changed a lot because i wil still get people sharing with me but not much overwhelming situations.i can still show deep empathy when i am not overwhelmed. It really is a life practice to get to these boundaries sometimes.

I was reading some things that are positive about my mental diagnoses and it said that deep empathy is one thing. When you struggle you can become deeply empathetic, or crappy.

[Zoe Girl]

As an empathic person myself, I have learned the benefits of keeping it under control because definitely, there are a lot of people out there who aren't as empathic as I am. They even consider it weird sometimes, but I don't think we'd have to take it away altogether. Empathic people have the ability to see through others the way they haven't been seen before and in this world that may sometimes seem to have grown cold about love, we are what the world needs. And I guess that's very beautiful.

I love the way you put that. I know that we can automatically be threatening to some people. I realize that in the situation/boss I am leaving. It was pretty early in working together that he really reacted badly to me. I also found that I could not 'read' him, threw me off badly. I rely on that a lot, over the course of a school year I got a few tidbits but not enough. Next time I am around someone I cannot read I am gong to treat them like a cornered animal honestly. There is a something deeply damaged that they often don't know about themselves. I also want to avoid people who are not authentic, I read an article that validates that it is literally painful to be around.

The seeing who people really are underneath can be such a gift, I use it with kids and parents. It takes some leaving ego behind to put aside our first impressions and our personal feelings to open up to what else is going on. It has in the vast majority of cases improved my relationships overall, including with former supervisors.

[HappyHiker]

Been called overly-sensitive most of my life...cannot watch violent movies. Can walk into a room and be attuned to feeling and emotions.

I do have to guard against people overwhelming me with their problems. Once told I was better than a shrink for my listening skills (definitely cheaper!).

I ended that "friendship when I found myself exhausted and somewhat depressed after yet another session with her. Complaining about the same thing over and over again is counter-productive.

But being sensitive also helps my writing. I "notice" details and dialogue. And I dig dogs and they dig me...will often come to me and owners tell me they usually don't cotton to strangers at all...