View Full Version : Romance Scammers......
gimmethesimplelife
6-6-18, 1:43pm
I've been chatting lately with a romance scammer (male) in the Philippines (I knew this was a scammer and only participated for entertainment value) for a week lately. Today the whole charade went too far over the top for yours truly and I blocked this person, breathing a sigh of relief that I gave them absolutely nothing they can use against me. Has anyone else here ever chatted with one of these folks?
I'm not on the market - I just did this (mostly) to see how this works. Big warning signs - professing love within 48 hours - my claiming that I've always wanted to visit the Philippines (this much is true) eliciting excited replies that he'd have "someone" pick me up at the airport. This combined with insistence that he picked out my hotel......a warning sign extravaganza if there ever was one.
At any rate, for anyone out there single, male or female, straight or gay - be careful out there if you are searching for love online. I have to say that this scammer should sell his charm in bottles if such could be bottled - he wouldn't have to scam anyone anymore. Be careful folks......these scammers are all about your wallet or purse, whichever applies in your case. Rob
You gave him hope and experience in soliciting. Were you not part of the problem by participating in the first place?
gimmethesimplelife
6-6-18, 2:42pm
You gave him hope and experience in soliciting. Were you not part of the problem by participating in the first place?This is one way of looking at it, I will give you that Razz and I can see where you are coming from. That said, I used to be a forum participant on 419eater.com - this is a website in which members string along scammers in a bid to waste their time and to prevent them from scamming others. Also for some it's entertainment but it's not entertainment I would personally seek out often. I was not on a dating site btw when this scammer first contacted me - I was on a non-sexually oriented gay news site.
Anyway, like I said, I'm done.....this is not something I'd care to do again any time soon but it was interesting in a way to see how such a scammer operates. I can see where there would be otherwise practical people thrown off by the off the chart levels of charm these scammers seem to specialize in - it's true that Americans (I know you are in Ontario and I don't care to speak for Canada as I am not a Canadian) live in a very cold and money based society in which it is hard for many to get their emotional needs met. These scammers sure know how to hone in on those who are emotionally vulnerable due to this. Rob
I've seen expose' documentaries on catfishing and it's hard to believe how anyone--however lonely--gets sucked in.
iris lilies
6-6-18, 3:38pm
I've seen expose' documentaries on catfishing and it's hard to believe how anyone--however lonely--gets sucked in.
Ive seen the documentaries about American men and Russian women. I do think someone is getting sucked in.
Teacher Terry
6-6-18, 3:39pm
Meri on Sister Wives was catfished.
Ive seen the documentaries about American men and Russian women. I do think someone is getting sucked in.
I suppose I shouldn't be surprised but I am.
I tried very seriously to meet someone -- a romantic partner -- online. It was challenging to me not because of scam artists so much as differences in wants and values.
The women I spoke with wanted to have babies, usually several. This was a no-go. But some women would try to change my mind during conversations.
They were also quite religious. But this was more their problem than mine, as I tend to date Xians anyway.
Language barriers were sometimes a problem too. Even when the woman spoke English seemingly well there were subtleties that were missed.
I did however "meet" a woman from South America. She was my age, not religious, and was adamant about not wanting kids. We talked via email and/or Skype video chat every day. We were planning for me to go meet her.
But eventually she was like: "It is going to be a couple more months until we see each other. And then it will just be for a couple weeks. Then we'll be apart again. Would you mind if I slept with one of my guy friends? It'd be just until we were together for the long term in the same place."
iris lilies
6-6-18, 6:19pm
Meri on Sister Wives was catfished.
Yes, she was! That was weird.
It looks like you will have some protesting to do now instead. I saw more police brutality in Mesa, Arizona on tonight's news.
gimmethesimplelife
6-6-18, 8:19pm
It looks like you will have some protesting to do now instead. I saw more police brutality in Mesa, Arizona on tonight's news.I didn't want to bring this up, Yppej, as I've gone on and on and on about the topic of police brutality for some time now, and you'all know my take on this topic by now. Suffice it to say, we activists of the 85006 are on it with activists of two other inner city zip codes. And that's enough of that........Rob
Ultralight
9-14-18, 8:50pm
An acquaintance of mine, a woman, said she was recently catfished. She gave the guy her last name and address before they even talked on the phone.
In my initial survey of the online dating world, it seems dominated by two extremes:
1) People looking for quick encounters
2) People looking for life partners
The middle ground I was hoping to find - people who just want to chat/hang out/do fun stuff, be friends before thinking about other stuff - seems lacking.
Ultralight
9-14-18, 9:43pm
In my initial survey of the online dating world, it seems dominated by two extremes:
1) People looking for quick encounters
2) People looking for life partners
The middle ground I was hoping to find - people who just want to chat/hang out/do fun stuff, be friends before thinking about other stuff - seems lacking.
OkCupid has a fair amount of asexual people looking for just that. And you can search by sexuality, I think.
Ultralight
9-14-18, 9:44pm
In my initial survey of the online dating world, it seems dominated by two extremes:
1) People looking for quick encounters
2) People looking for life partners
The middle ground I was hoping to find - people who just want to chat/hang out/do fun stuff, be friends before thinking about other stuff - seems lacking.
I can tell almost immediately why a woman is single when I read her profile.
Ultralight
9-14-18, 10:01pm
I also suspect that women can just as rapidly tell why most of the men on dating sites are single just by glancing at profiles.
Teacher Terry
9-14-18, 11:31pm
Bae, if you are looking at online dating sites you were not as blind sighted as you think. Usually people need more time to grieve but intuitively you saw it coming whether your brain did or not.
iris lilies
9-14-18, 11:44pm
The last guy who declared his unconditional love for me within about two weeks time after we met wanted to move in immediately and share my life. He has eyes for no other. I got all giddy and went for it.
He now sleeps in my bed every night. DH doesnt mind our love fest, he just minds the snoring. Bulldogs snore a lot.
:D You are just a softee.
The last guy who declared his unconditional love for me within about two weeks time after we met wanted to move in immediately and share my life. He has eyes for no other. I got all giddy and went for it.
He now sleeps in my bed every night. DH doesnt mind our love fest, he just minds the snoring. Bulldogs snore a lot.
Ultralight
9-15-18, 6:57am
Bae, if you are looking at online dating sites you were not as blind sighted as you think. Usually people need more time to grieve but intuitively you saw it coming whether your brain did or not.
I disagree. Doing a little window shopping does not mean he is really ready for something. It could also just be curiosity about online dating or who is out there. That sort of thing.
Also, online dating can be very off-putting. Sometimes and/or for some people, looking through online dating profiles is an excellent way to prevent yourself from dating too soon.
When you see the kind of people out there you think: "Yeah, flying solo is not so bad."
I tried a specialty site for free for a couple of months and had no problems with scammers or perverts. But no one in my area contacted me. I said I was interested in people 50 miles from my home and heard from one guy in North Carolina and another in Belgium!
Then I told a friend of a friend and she age 38 got on. All sorts of guys my age, in their 50's, messaged her. She had no interest even though they were saying things that in someone younger would have appealed to her, like I'll cook for you.
Ultralight
9-15-18, 9:06am
Then I told a friend of a friend and she age 38 got on. All sorts of guys my age, in their 50's, messaged her.
Why do you think this is the case?
Because evolutionary pressures within our species causes men to want fertile younger women… I don’t believe it has much at all to do with peoples characters, it’s just how we evolved. From an evolutionary standpoint, I’ve become invisible since going through menopause. I don’t even care - andThat’s probably another evolutionary thing, so that I can be a better grandma and cause my genes to live for thousands of years because my grandkids are protected from early death.
Ultralight
9-15-18, 9:56am
Because evolutionary pressures within our species causes men to want fertile younger women… I don’t believe it has much at all to do with peoples characters, it’s just how we evolved. From an evolutionary standpoint, I’ve become invisible since going through menopause. I don’t even care - andThat’s probably another evolutionary thing, so that I can be a better grandma and cause my genes to live for thousands of years because my grandkids are protected from early death.
Nature is a cold hearted companion.
I am 39 now, and not the horn dog I once was. Nature drops men's T over the years. I can tell the difference to a degree. 39 is way different than 19!
iris lilies
9-15-18, 11:19am
I can tell almost immediately why a woman is single when I read her profile.
I want to know what kind of things you see in profiles, for both men and women, that show why they are single.
Elaborate. Also, what would we see in YOUR profile?
Ultralight
9-15-18, 11:36am
I want to know what kind of things you see in profiles, for both men and women, that show why they are single.
Elaborate. Also, what would we see in YOUR profile?
I have only ever seen a handful of men's profiles. These have been gay men looking for str8 men. I politely decline and then block them if they persist (which several of them have done).
As for women's profiles I can tell why they are single because of things in their pictures:
-Multiple cats (crazy cat ladies)
-Multiple fru-fru dogs (if he dogs are high maintenance then she is too)
-Every picture is an enhanced selfie (she is a narcissist)
-Every picture is at a bar and she is getting schmammered; the caption says: "Just your typical Tuesday!"
-Extremely overweight and/or unhealthy appearance; SSBBWs are not what most men are looking for.
Or things they say in their profiles:
-Workaholics ("I work long hours and have not had time for a relationship, but after I turned 40 I decided to clear 3 hours on Saturday mornings for a relationship with a special someone")
-Bad single moms ("I have four kids and they are my world! They always come first, so you better love kids and have a good job, your own car, and own your own home so we can move in!"
-Bitter women: "I am sick of these no good, low down thugs/losers/big baby-men who be cheatin' on me, eating all my food, expeckin' me pay they cell phone billz!"
-Women with wedding bells in their ears: They list their age as 39 and say: "I want to be married before I turn 40!"
I could go on and on.
In my profile you'd see my pictures:
I usually have 4-5 pics. One is me fishing, another is me with friends, another couple photos are from trips I made (Uruguay, or whatever). I usually have one of Harlan too, or Harlan and I.
I believe in truth in advertising. So I want the pics to be recent and accurate.
I list off some books I like, films I like, music like. You know, Vonnegut, Hesse, Achebe. Idiocracy, God is Brazilian, Happy Happy, Leap Year, Bokeh. P-Funk, AC/DC, Waylon Jennings, Van Halen, Joni.
I talk a bit about my lifestyle -- being a minimalist, aspiring froog, reading books like a fiend, going fishing.
I also explain that I am looking for a life partner, something long term and meaningful.
Ultralight
9-15-18, 11:41am
Also, what would we see in YOUR profile?
I will say there are probably a few things that turn women away immediately on my profile. I doubt any of things is correspondingly bad as I noted, but here would be my best guess for immediate turn-offs:
-I am 5'9", roughly average height. Most women state they strongly prefer men 6' or taller
-I am almost 200 lbs. So women who want a ripped hardbody ought to look somewhere else
-I am divorced, and for some women this is a no-go
-I have a dog; some women don't like dogs (to hell with them! lol)
-Fishing pic; animal rights types don't like this
-Minimalism: Nuff said.
-I am openly a quirky weirdo. So most normies click away ASAP.
Teacher Terry
9-15-18, 11:47am
I have high maintenance fru-fru dogs but I am not high maintenance. I just love the breed. So making that jump is silly.
Ultralight
9-15-18, 11:58am
I have high maintenance fru-fru dogs but I am not high maintenance. I just love the breed. So making that jump is silly.
You might not be the best judge of your own maintenance levels.
Teacher Terry
9-15-18, 12:09pm
Men think I am too. I have allergies and asthma and Maltese is one of the few breeds that I am not allergic too. Plus they are small, cute and needy all of which I like. I don’t get manicures, pedicures, buy fancy clothes, etc.
iris lilies
9-15-18, 12:17pm
Oh, i am definately low maintenance, never have had pedicure or manicure, cut my own hair, am not even sure what facial makeup I own. I think lotions and grooming potions are a scam. Clothing from thrift stores. Etc,
All of that was great when I was in my 20’ 30’s 40’s when youth shined, everyone is pretty at those ages! For the demographic in which I circulated, no one cared about that stuff.
But now at my advanced age, I think a little more care or polish would be a good thing, haha. A professional haircut would be an improvement.
damn though,
I still like my fingernails after 64 years. They are short and clean most of the time. I now wear garden glves, didnt use to do that. It keeps dirt out of my fingernails! Who knew!??Haha. I never think about my cuticles or my eyebrows, often objects of attention for the high maintenance folks.
iris lilies
9-15-18, 12:23pm
Men think I am too. I have allergies and asthma and Maltese is one of the few breeds that I am not allergic too. Plus they are small, cute and needy all of which I like. I don’t get manicures, pedicures, buy fancy clothes, etc.
i woild like small, cute and needy. Just one of them. But I think
I woild prefer the more laid back personality of a pug.
Terriers are too —I dont know, doggy? Stubborn? Frenchies are bossy and not bright.
Ultralight
9-15-18, 12:23pm
Men think I am too. I have allergies and asthma and Maltese is one of the few breeds that I am not allergic too. Plus they are small, cute and needy all of which I like. I don’t get manicures, pedicures, buy fancy clothes, etc.
One can be emotionally high maintenance too.
Teacher Terry
9-15-18, 12:54pm
UL, you are emotionally high maintenance. At one point we had 4 Maltese due to taking old, fat, disabled unwanted Maltese. I no longer want to take care of that many. 2 is much easier. Especially when they get old and need medications. I enjoy having a dog on my lap when I am reading, watching tv or knitting. Occasionally Maltese can be stubborn but not usually.
I disagree. Doing a little window shopping does not mean he is really ready for something. It could also just be curiosity about online dating or who is out there. That sort of thing.
Just so. My daughter informed me that "online dating is the thing these days".
I live on a small island, with a small population. The popular saying here is "the goods are odd, but the odds are good". Furthermore, my own interests and requirements select out a large portion of any population.
I am trying to decide whether, in the future, if I wish to have a relationship, I will stay here, broaden my geographic search area, or move elsewhere.
So, I signed up a sort-of-anonymous profile on Tinder and Grindr, to examine the online pool within 10-15 miles of me.
And discovered that while there was on each site an active pool of people even in the local area, there were only a handful of folks who were within the quite wide range of age and interests and personality I used for my initial data gathering. Judging purely from their profiles.
Interestingly, men and trans folks on Grindr had the most overlap with my requirements - while it was heavily biased towards within-1-hour hookups, the rest of the folks were looking for more, but not too much more. Even though this island is quite LGBTQ-friendly, it's still a small small community, and people are somewhat circumspect - the "Out On The Island" group has about two dozen people in it.
Judging from our year-round population of perhaps 5000 people, some thoughts:
Our median age is 56.5 years. I'm 55.
55% of the population is married.
Of the single dating pool, between the ages of 40-65, are 52% of the men, and 63% of the women. Interestingly, the data cuts off at age 65, apparently single people past that age are assumed to be sexless/relationshipless.
Now to brass tacks:
~35% of the population is between 40 and 65. 52% is over 65.
If I limit my analysis to 40-65, then there are 1750 men and women within that range here.
I don't have per-age-cadre data on marriage rates, so assume it's 50% within this range. Eyeballing the proportions in the data I have on the proportion of the single population within each age cadre, that seems reasonable. That leaves 875 single people within the "appropriate" age range.
Hmmm - that doesn't seem *too* terrible.
But if one then applies filters for interests, tolerance, and so on, I suspect 90% of folks get ruled out. (This is just a wild-assed guess,)
Still, ~88 people in the dating pool here, assuming I don't care about gender/orientation.
Ultralight
9-15-18, 1:44pm
UL, you are emotionally high maintenance.
Captain Obvious.
Ultralight
9-15-18, 1:49pm
Here is a woman's self-summary:
"I'm just a single hard working mom. I normally work 6 days a week and when I'm not at work I have my son. If I ever want to do anything without my boy I have to plan ahead about a week, so if you're a spur of the moment kind of guy it probably won't work."
This is pretty common, though sometimes it is shorter or longer or worded differently.
Ultralight
9-15-18, 1:58pm
Here are a few other illustrative personal summaries from internet dating land:
"I’m selective don’t waste my time I won’t waste yours. I’m in search of someone to converse with and see what happens... be over 35....Single....and employed and African American and at least 6ft"
Keep in mind this woman is probably almost 300 lbs. and has untold numbers of kids.
There is also this one, which is very typical:
"Well let's see I'm a very fun and loveable person love to have fun love anything outdoors not a picky person if u wanna no anything just ask"
Again, very big gal with kids.
Here is another gem:
"To start off im not your baby so please dont call me that. I dont want to have intercourse with you so dont try to talk to me if thats your intentions. I dont want to come to your house and drink. That is not a date unlike most females on here i have class and still believe in dating. If you dont know how to hold a conversation and think that your going to just text me dont even bother. I need an adult not a child. I want someone God fearing. A someone with morals and goals and actually want a relationship not a booty call."
Ultralight
9-15-18, 2:00pm
Just so. My daughter informed me that "online dating is the thing these days".
I live on a small island, with a small population. The popular saying here is "the goods are odd, but the odds are good". Furthermore, my own interests and requirements select out a large portion of any population.
I am trying to decide whether, in the future, if I wish to have a relationship, I will stay here, broaden my geographic search area, or move elsewhere.
So, I signed up a sort-of-anonymous profile on Tinder and Grindr, to examine the online pool within 10-15 miles of me.
And discovered that while there was on each site an active pool of people even in the local area, there were only a handful of folks who were within the quite wide range of age and interests and personality I used for my initial data gathering. Judging purely from their profiles.
Interestingly, men and trans folks on Grindr had the most overlap with my requirements - while it was heavily biased towards within-1-hour hookups, the rest of the folks were looking for more, but not too much more. Even though this island is quite LGBTQ-friendly, it's still a small small community, and people are somewhat circumspect - the "Out On The Island" group has about two dozen people in it.
Judging from our year-round population of perhaps 5000 people, some thoughts:
Our median age is 56.5 years. I'm 55.
55% of the population is married.
Of the single dating pool, between the ages of 40-65, are 52% of the men, and 63% of the women. Interestingly, the data cuts off at age 65, apparently single people past that age are assumed to be sexless/relationshipless.
Now to brass tacks:
~35% of the population is between 40 and 65. 52% is over 65.
If I limit my analysis to 40-65, then there are 1750 men and women within that range here.
I don't have per-age-cadre data on marriage rates, so assume it's 50% within this range. Eyeballing the proportions in the data I have on the proportion of the single population within each age cadre, that seems reasonable. That leaves 875 single people within the "appropriate" age range.
Hmmm - that doesn't seem *too* terrible.
But if one then applies filters for interests, tolerance, and so on, I suspect 90% of folks get ruled out. (This is just a wild-assed guess,)
Still, ~88 people in the dating pool here, assuming I don't care about gender/orientation.
Awesome analysis! It is a tough game out there, even if you switch hit.
As for women's profiles I can tell why they are single because of things in their pictures:
-Multiple cats (crazy cat ladies)
-Multiple fru-fru dogs (if he dogs are high maintenance then she is too)
-Every picture is an enhanced selfie (she is a narcissist)
-Every picture is at a bar and she is getting schmammered; the caption says: "Just your typical Tuesday!"
-Extremely overweight and/or unhealthy appearance; SSBBWs are not what most men are looking for.
How is your penchant for labeling/putting people in boxes/dismissing wide swaths of people based on superficial characteristics working for you in getting closer to a life partner? Are there really that many women clamoring to date you that you need to assume that Every Single Person with a particular characteristic will behave Exactly The Same?
And I don't get why this is a problem:
"I'm just a single hard working mom. I normally work 6 days a week and when I'm not at work I have my son. If I ever want to do anything without my boy I have to plan ahead about a week, so if you're a spur of the moment kind of guy it probably won't work."
So this is a woman who is not expecting you to rescue you her financially, and takes her obligations to work and her family seriously. So she needs to secure a sitter a week ahead of time, how is this a problem?
Keep in mind this woman is probably almost 300 lbs. and has untold numbers of kids.
Again, very big gal with kids.
Wow. Where on earth do you get these ideas?
Kids are a problem for boy men who want to be the pampered baby.
iris lilies
9-15-18, 2:08pm
Wow. Where on earth do you get these ideas?
They show photos.
Ultralight
9-15-18, 2:08pm
And I don't get why this is a problem:
So this is a woman who is not expecting you to rescue you her financially, and takes her obligations to work and her family seriously. So she needs to secure a sitter a week ahead of time, how is this a problem?
Can you add? Yes? Okay. Good. Add up the time she is sleeping, the time she is working, the time she is doing childcare for her kid, the time she is doing all the other haftas.
Okay, can you subtract? Yes? Good. Subtract that from 168 (the total hours in a week).
This woman has no time to form a relationship, let alone a partnership.
You think it is reasonable for her to expect a guy who has the time for a relationship and partnership to even bother with her knowing this math?
Come on.
Ultralight
9-15-18, 2:10pm
Wow. Where on earth do you get these ideas?
They have 5-10 pictures of themselves posted. That is where I am getting this from.
I am not against big gals finding love and happiness. I want them to! More power to them. But being really, really big means a woman is probably going to be drawing from a numerically smaller pool of men.
Ultralight
9-15-18, 2:11pm
Kids are a problem for boy men who want to be the pampered baby.
I don't understand. Can you explain more?
Ultralight
9-15-18, 2:11pm
They show photos.
:thankyou:
iris lilies
9-15-18, 2:14pm
Kids are a problem for boy men who want to be the pampered baby.
Oh please. I wouldnt be able to stand dating someone with a bunch of children because I want an adult relationship, not a child centric relationship. Children suck up resources like crazy. Personally, I think it is dumb for custodial parents of small children to “date” but whatevah, they must have a whole lot more time than I think they have. Their business, mot mine.
Once the kids get to be 8-9-10 ish, that is do able. But a houseful of them? Shudder.
In the singles group where I met DH there was one woman who joined in with 5 small children. She hooked up with a guy who had 1 child. Fairly soon after, they brought the brood to a singles group picnic and when they left, they left one of the kids behind mistakenly. No shit, a litter is hard to track.
Ultralight
9-15-18, 2:17pm
This one is a little more reasonable:
"I'm intrigued by intelligence. (Not that I know everything.)
I welcome new things and am always open to new experiences. That is what life is all about.
I think communication, respect, honesty, laughter, loyalty and learning from one another are key parts to a relationship.
I want to be able to be myself at all times, without judgement. I want the same for you. (I won't give you my representative, please don't give me yours.)
I do not discriminate.
Beards are a bonus!"
Ultralight
9-15-18, 2:20pm
Kids are a problem for boy men who want to be the pampered baby.
This sounds like something a bitter and/or relationship-damaged single mom would say. I am not saying that is what you are, I am just saying that is what it sounds like.
Some men just aren't parental. Some men prefer to invest their resources and emotions into their partner, instead of kids (hers or theirs).
Ultralight
9-15-18, 2:24pm
In the singles group where I met DH there was one woman who joined in with 5 small children. She hooked up with a guy who had 1 child. Fairly soon after, they brought the brood to a singles group picnic and when they left, they left one of the kids behind mistakenly. No shit, a litter is hard to track.
That is funny and horrible! :laff: :doh:
ApatheticNoMore
9-15-18, 2:33pm
"I'm intrigued by intelligence. (Not that I know everything.)
seems full of @#$# to me, but at 20 something or something we all are in that way.
I think communication, respect, honesty, laughter, loyalty and learning from one another are key parts to a relationship.
show me, don't tell me. Does she have a demonstrated history of this in prior relationships or existing friendships, or is this just happy talk. talk is cheap.
Ultralight
9-15-18, 2:34pm
seems full of @#$# to me, but at 20 something or something we all are in that way.
show me, don't tell me. Does she have a demonstrated history of this in prior relationships or existing friendships, any experience at all with this, or is this just happy talk. talk is cheap.
Some things you have to meet them and get to know them to find out.
Or things they say in their profiles:
-Workaholics ("I work long hours and have not had time for a relationship, but after I turned 40 I decided to clear 3 hours on Saturday mornings for a relationship with a special someone")
-Bad single moms ("I have four kids and they are my world! They always come first, so you better love kids and have a good job, your own car, and own your own home so we can move in!"
-Bitter women: "I am sick of these no good, low down thugs/losers/big baby-men who be cheatin' on me, eating all my food, expeckin' me pay they cell phone billz!"
-Women with wedding bells in their ears: They list their age as 39 and say: "I want to be married before I turn 40!"
From when I was using on-line personals, I don't recall profiles and responses as -- umm, extreme -- as the ones UL provided, but the way some were written made it seem pretty obvious what had happened (or didn't happen) in previous relationships.
I did see profiles similar to "single mom" (above), which were not unexpected to me. For whatever reason the situation existed, the profile explained there was one parent and more than one kid in the house. I did not expect "mom" to throw the kids overboard for me (or any other prospective partner); if things didn't work out, she still had to be there for the kids because the kids were not ready to be on their own. If I were in UL's situation ("bad single mom"), this would be a stop sign; it wasn't for me.
I did see other profiles and requests for contact which clearly illuminated facets of earlier relationships. The ones who mentioned wanting a long-term relationship without games, monogamous, fidelity (several times in the profile)... I mean, I wanted all those things, too, but apparently I had not been burned enough by not having them to make a special point of it multiple times in my profile. The responses which emphasized how submissive and "go-along-to-get-along" they were (works for some guys; didn't work for me, and I was clear about that in my profile). The ones who made a point of the prospect being "financially stable" and "emotionally mature" (c'mon; we're all around 40-50 years old; maybe I lived in a bubble but I expected it of the women. Maybe I was doing the 'guy' thing wrong). The ones who specified in feet and inches how tall their prospective LTR had to be (really? everyone under 6'2" isn't worth talking to?)
I don't think I could predict the outcome of a date based on the profile as well as UL apparently can but there were some profiles which went beyond a basic this-is-what-I'm-looking-for-this-is-what-I'm-like to a level that led me to pass on the idea of contacting those women. And undoubtedly there were some who passed on my based on my profile. No harm, no foul. I rather liked on-line personals because I could read 'em at 6 am when I woke up and they could reply back during the day when they could -- and way easier than a phone call.
Awesome analysis! It is a tough game out there, even if you switch hit.
My daughter just pointed out to me that about 30% of the people in the age range I describe here are overly-right-wing Republicans and Trump supporters, and immediately off-the-table because of their anti-much-of-me stances. And about 30% are too far to the left, though perhaps more likely to tolerate my existence.
So the numbers shrink.
I can double the numbers if I widen my search to the other large-population island in the County.
Or, I can see more people than that entire pool in *a single night* at educational/social events for shared interests in Seattle, Vancouver, or Victoria. People who are *much* more likely to have overlapping frames of mind. Looked at that way, the time to travel seems quite acceptable. Fishing in the local pond seems likely to be an exercise in foolishness.
Ultralight
9-15-18, 3:28pm
My daughter just pointed out to me that about 30% of the people in the age range I describe here are overly-right-wing Republicans and Trump supporters, and immediately off-the-table because of their anti-much-of-me stances. And about 30% are too far to the left, though perhaps more likely to tolerate my existence.
So the numbers shrink.
I can double the numbers if I widen my search to the other large-population island in the County.
Or, I can see more people than that entire pool in *a single night* at educational/social events for shared interests in Seattle, Vancouver, or Victoria. People who are *much* more likely to have overlapping frames of mind. Looked at that way, the time to travel seems quite acceptable. Fishing in the local pond seems likely to be an exercise in foolishness.
Have you heard of FetLife?
Have you heard of FetLife?
It is possible :-)
Ultralight
9-15-18, 3:40pm
It is possible :-)
Ha! Okay, thought it might have some appeal based on what you self-disclosed.
I am a real square comparatively. So it doesn't have much draw for me. But I have some kinky amigos and amigas who dig it.
I am a real square comparatively. So it doesn't have much draw for me. But I have some kinky amigos and amigas who dig it.
The difficulty with it, like many other such places, is that Sturgeon's Law applies. In spades.
In particular, many people use it as a forum to express their fantasies, but never dare bring their hopes to fruition, so there are a lot of time-wasters, and predators, there.
bae,
I am admiring your forward-looking attitude. FWIW, from an internet stranger, I feel strongly that things will work out well for you.
In my own case, it was circumstance that led me to my SO who was a high school friend who had reconnected with me via internet. We had never dated back then but it was pretty clear this time that we were a match. So years after my 2 divorces, and a long-term relationship, and dating here and there, and then no dating at all, I found my real mate.
My eye-opening lesson was, Oh, so this is what it's like to have a real partner. And the main way I knew it was because our time together was so easy - no arguments, no drama, lots of things we can both laugh at and enjoy each day. Simple. When I look back at all the sturm und drang that I put up with in prior relationships I'm sorry I didn't realize the obvious: that with those guys, we were not a match. Simple.
Williamsmith
9-16-18, 9:48am
I’m a lucky person. Damn lucky.
SteveinMN
9-16-18, 10:18am
My eye-opening lesson was, Oh, so this is what it's like to have a real partner. And the main way I knew it was because our time together was so easy - no arguments, no drama, lots of things we can both laugh at and enjoy each day. Simple. When I look back at all the sturm und drang that I put up with in prior relationships I'm sorry I didn't realize the obvious: that with those guys, we were not a match. Simple.
We know a couple that has been on a rollercoaster ride -- some mental illness (bipolar) on his part; co-dependency on hers and a shining interest in wanting people to see the placid duck on the pond and not the mad paddling beneath the water's surface. Not too long ago she posted a picture of the two of them on their anniversary (20 years or so) with the caption (paraphrasing) "marriage is tough and ugly and hard work and it's the best thing evah".
Of course, no one knows exactly what goes on inside a marriage (sometimes not even the husband and wife). But DW and I read that and looked at each other (second spouses each) and wondered. We don't agree on everything and, at least on the surface, are quite different people. But both of us are sure that our marriage is better for being easier than it was for either of us in earlier relationships (not just marriages). Very few arguments, no drama, and lots of things we can both laugh and enjoy each day -- including each other's foibles. If the first marriages had been this good there wouldn't have been second marriages...
Ultralight
9-17-18, 6:06am
"marriage is tough and ugly and hard work and it's the best thing evah".
Sounds to me like they're doing it wrong.
iris lilies
9-17-18, 9:08am
yes. When people express that old chestnut “Marriage is the hardest job you will ever have” I think “why bother then. Who needs another ‘job’?”
yes. When people express that old chestnut “Marriage is the hardest job you will ever have” I think “why bother then. Who needs another ‘job’?”
On the other hand, one thing I heard that told me my first marriage was dead in the water was my then-wife proclaiming, "I didn't think I would have to work at my marriage." Well, maybe it's not your primary waking activity and maybe it's not hard labor, but there is work involved in marriage (or any similar relationship). Even as easy as marriage with my wife is now, it's not just do whatever you please and not think about accommodating your partner.
Another theory:
In our culture, ideal love is heavily romanticized. Our music, television, billboards, advertising, and books are all very influential, especially to younger females. We are saturated in images of what love should look like: lots of grandiose romantic gestures, passionate arguments ending in one or the other storming off with the inevitable reconnection, dramatic declarations like "no one has what we have!", over the top proposals accompanied by very expensive diamond jewelry ending in a lavish wedding.
Especially for women, this is supposed to be our life goal. If you don't have a romantic partner, especially one who is on board with all of this, you have failed. As a result, many women and men spend a lot of time and energy chasing that love style as if it's the only way. And it distorts what successful everyday relationships actually look and feel like.
I know it can be hard, but I wish singles who are looking could look past this and realize what a real partnership can be.
I'm glad I was mostly impervious to that particular social message.
I'm with others who feel that a solid relationship shouldn't take hard work. Of course, there's give and take, ups and downs, all that. But if it were one long joyless slog, I would prefer being alone.
I've been chatting lately with a romance scammer (male) in the Philippines (I knew this was a scammer and only participated for entertainment value) for a week lately. Today the whole charade went too far over the top for yours truly and I blocked this person, breathing a sigh of relief that I gave them absolutely nothing they can use against me. Has anyone else here ever chatted with one of these folks?
I'm not on the market - I just did this (mostly) to see how this works. Big warning signs - professing love within 48 hours - my claiming that I've always wanted to visit the Philippines (this much is true) eliciting excited replies that he'd have "someone" pick me up at the airport. This combined with insistence that he picked out my hotel......a warning sign extravaganza if there ever was one.
At any rate, for anyone out there single, male or female, straight or gay - be careful out there if you are searching for love online. I have to say that this scammer should sell his charm in bottles if such could be bottled - he wouldn't have to scam anyone anymore. Be careful folks......these scammers are all about your wallet or purse, whichever applies in your case. Rob
Back to the OP....
Rob, did you get the feeling with "potential to visit Philippines", them picking the hotel, etc....was it scamming for sex trafficking? So scary how easy it is for people to wind up lost and never heard from again.
Ultralight
9-17-18, 4:57pm
On the other hand, one thing I heard that told me my first marriage was dead in the water was my then-wife proclaiming, "I didn't think I would have to work at my marriage." Well, maybe it's not your primary waking activity and maybe it's not hard labor, but there is work involved in marriage (or any similar relationship). Even as easy as marriage with my wife is now, it's not just do whatever you please and not think about accommodating your partner.
I used to see couples walking through the park holding hands and I would think: "I want what they have!"
Or I would see a couple zipping down the bicycle lane, laughing in the breeze and think: "I want what they have!"
But now I think: "They probably have a bunch of petty squabbles and annoy each other endlessly. Maybe it is better that I don't have that."
iris lilies
9-17-18, 5:10pm
I used to see couples walking through the park holding hands and I would think: "I want what they have!"
Or I would see a couple zipping down the bicycle lane, laughing in the breeze and think: "I want what they have!"
But now I think: "They probably have a bunch of petty squabbles and annoy each other endlessly. Maybe it is better that I don't have that."
Why does it have to be one or the other? In my marriage we annoy each other, we have fun.
rosarugosa
9-17-18, 5:21pm
Why does it have to be one or the other? In my marriage we annoy each other, we have fun.
Yes! And there is way more fun than annoyance. :)
Ultralight
9-17-18, 5:32pm
Why does it have to be one or the other? In my marriage we annoy each other, we have fun.
Haha! Maybe I am mostly just consoling myself.
Haha! Maybe I am mostly just consoling myself.
I believe the ideal ratio of positive to negative interactions is 5:1 in a successful relationship. https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-magic-relationship-ratio-according-science/ Makes sense, but I think it should come easily; if you have to force yourself just to do that much then it's a red flag.
Williamsmith
9-17-18, 8:50pm
I used to see couples walking through the park holding hands and I would think: "I want what they have!"
Or I would see a couple zipping down the bicycle lane, laughing in the breeze and think: "I want what they have!"
But now I think: "They probably have a bunch of petty squabbles and annoy each other endlessly. Maybe it is better that I don't have that."
I hold my wife’s hand when we walk. I’m sure we look like the perfect couple. Truth is ....she trips over the slightest imperfections in the sidewalk and I hold her up. It’s either that or a skinned knee or broken wrist. And I don’t want to sit in the ER waiting room.
I'm with others who feel that a solid relationship shouldn't take hard work. Of course, there's give and take, ups and downs, all that. But if it were one long joyless slog, I would prefer being alone.
One of the best pieces of advice I'd ever read was "Better to be alone than wish you were."
But now I think: "They probably have a bunch of petty squabbles and annoy each other endlessly. Maybe it is better that I don't have that."You can squabble over little things. I worked for several years in a cube near a guy who would have a knock-down-drag-out fight with his wife over the phone maybe 2-3 times a year. Little profanity but lots of raised voices and hanging up on each other. They've been married for 30 years. Apparently this way to behave works for them.
DW and I probably could write lists of what each does that annoys the other. If it's really bothersome, we'll say something (and hope for the best; change is not guaranteed). But we chose to look the other way a lot because, in the long run, traits like leaving trails of mail throughout the house (her) or a dogged insistence on how to load the dishwasher (me) really don't matter as much to us as the exhibitions of kindness, integrity, listening, etc. There are no petty squabbles here; we've been in enough relationships to know that bickering (for us) is not a substitute for attachment. The two of you simply have to decide that's how you'll behave. No real magic there (with the right personalities).
DW and I probably could write lists of what each does that annoys the other. If it's really bothersome, we'll say something (and hope for the best; change is not guaranteed). But we chose to look the other way a lot because, in the long run, traits like leaving trails of mail throughout the house (her) or a dogged insistence on how to load the dishwasher (me) really don't matter as much to us as the exhibitions of kindness, integrity, listening, etc. There are no petty squabbles here; we've been in enough relationships to know that bickering (for us) is not a substitute for attachment. The two of you simply have to decide that's how you'll behave. No real magic there (with the right personalities).
You know that scene in Date Night with all the drawers open. Yea, that's me. I work so hard to close my drawer in the bathroom or all the kitchen cabinets now. Took me 28 years but I'm better....mostly. DH still leaves a pair of socks by the bed every day. According to him it's not the same thing.
One of the best pieces of advice I'd ever read was "Better to be alone than wish you were."
You can squabble over little things. I worked for several years in a cube near a guy who would have a knock-down-drag-out fight with his wife over the phone maybe 2-3 times a year. Little profanity but lots of raised voices and hanging up on each other. They've been married for 30 years. Apparently this way to behave works for them. ... .
I worked for a time next to an odd duck that used to have lengthy conversations with his wife about her chronic constipation. I would have welcomed a good old-fashioned fight. :help:
I worked for a time next to an odd duck that used to have lengthy conversations with his wife about her chronic constipation. I would have welcomed a good old-fashioned fight. :help:
This is one of my coworkers, only with her aging mother, who is hard of hearing, so the entire conversation is loud.
You know that scene in Date Night with all the drawers open. Yea, that's me. I work so hard to close my drawer in the bathroom or all the kitchen cabinets now. Took me 28 years but I'm better....mostly. DH still leaves a pair of socks by the bed every day. According to him it's not the same thing.
I remember that we had a conversation a few months back about my SO and your shared "paper trail" habit, and now I learn that you and he are both believers in an "open door policy"??? The two of you really would be perfect for each other! :~) (The first time I went to his apartment all the kitchen cabinets were wide open. Because, hey, you'll need something out of them eventually, so why force yourself to go through the hassle of re-opening it.
I've decided that if we ever build a house/renovate a kitchen that we'll just install shelves, not cabinets. It'll be cheaper, he'll like the convenience, and I'll like not having to worry about banging my melon on doors.
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