First Monday off, and what do I do?

[Zoe Girl]

This isn;t like a vacation or even another kind of illness so I really don't know what I am supposed to do. On Friday I was not able to do much functioning most of the day so there was no thought about it. Today I am doing better, as soon as I think about work I start to get anxious and have stomach aches.

I just wonder if there is any room for me in how our business is changing, however I do feel that my skills and way of working is very much needed. I just know when people get into deep details and keep pushing on those so much I get super stressed. Meanwhile in the middle of everyone pulling together the practical stuff while I was in distress I was able to go to a special needs aide, help her with 2 kids, including a child who had pooped in his pants, and all that was fine and I felt strong and capable of it. Then I walked back into the room of everyone and they are throwing questions at me, things I could answer but not like that.

I feel that we need SERIOUS training on how to listen and respect. I was trying my best to tell everyone I needed something calmer or easier for summer. I knew I was tired. I offered to take vacation time for any day they didn't need me to sub somewhere. Maybe it wasn't clear enough, I was reluctant to say I actually needed leave without a total break down.

And I don't blame them because they simply needed someone at this site and I am experienced. I was saying that all my camps have been super successful over the years and now I can't say that. But it was too much. So now I wonder if anyone would want to work with me again, it seems like the 2 male supervisors were trying the same style (one was warm and understanding however, he heard over the phone when I was not okay, just super stressed by the overall situation) which is to get into deep detail and track success like that. My brain works different, and I again feel like there is no place for that in the workplace. Even though creative ideas are likely to flow out of this different brain often.

I get into the counselor tomorrow so he can probably help me figure these things out.

[Float On]

At one time I had two babies (new born and year old - they are 11.5 mts apart) and I was working as a Youth Minister in a large church that was mad at me for having babies (I also had fertility issues so getting pregnant the first time with fertility treatments then having a bonus baby right after), they expected "bigger and better", they expected me to do it all. I had a mental collapse. I walked out of my job after another session of being yelled at by the pastor and never stepped foot in that church again. Instead I ran home to the farm. My mom took over all care of the babies and I spent every day for 2 weeks laying in one of the fields. I watched the sky and I listened to the grass grow. Just slowing everything down to the bare basics of breathing and being so centered to the earth was the healing I needed. In my case, my MIL then paid a year's salary for me so I could stay home with the babies and not stress through a job. So I had the opportunity to start fresh. Later that year is also when we decided to build our own business and I was mentally ready to handle everything new that threw at me.

So my advice is to take this time to listen to what you need; don't spend time thinking about how to improve what broke you or how you can fix it for others, Spend this time on healing how you need to be healed.

[Teacher Terry]

I totally agree with float on. I had a friend that was a Lutheran minister and the stories he told about unrealistic expectations , mean people are incredible. He ended up teaching at a Lutheran college.

[Simplemind]

Float on +1. There are systemic problems far beyond your capacity to change them. Listen to your body and soul. They are telling you to let go. Just because you have been doing something doesn't mean you should. I have been away from my job for six years. I loved it for so many years but it became impossible. There has barely been a day since I left that I haven't thought about it. Not in a "I want to go back" sort of way but in a "I so wish we could have done X". I am still in touch with most of my previous coworkers and others left and those that stayed say things continued the course and have gotten worse. When a group of us started we were all in our 20's and 30's and healthy. When I left I was the only supervisor that didn't have diabetes. Nine of fifteen people had diabetes when I left. At one point almost every single one of us was on an anti-depressant or anti-anxiety med. Almost all were creeping up in weight and five were diagnosed with cancer, one passed. I'm no doctor but I do believe that the stress of the job, inherently stressful anyway but more so with systemic problems and bad leadership caused a lot of these ailments to take hold and blossom.
Take stock of your gifts and as you start to feel better think of different ways or places they would fit naturally. That was not a good fit for you and don't waste a nano second thinking that it's your problem to fix. Do you, the amazing ZG in a place that appreciates what you bring and that you look forward to each and every day. Easy - no, life saving - yes.

[ApatheticNoMore]

certainly so soon after is too soon to expect much from yourself, yea you need to rest and do something enjoyable, even if it's just ends up being a couple of weeks (and evaluate it then not now). It's just too soon right now.

Now if you feel compelled to process whatever happened as quickly as possible supposedly journaling works for that (though therapy likely helps as well). But journaling or no journaling, it is still very soon after, some rest and relaxation is perfectly reasonable. And then you can reevaluate.

[Gardnr]

You're off work right now due to anxiety and stress. I suggest you make a list of 3 activities that you find relaxing. Do those activities only for the next 7 days. One of those activities certainly may be: sit in my comfy chair for 30 minutes.

This is your time to heal. Time to be a human BEING and not a human DOING.

[lhamo]

Do you know anyone in an assisted living facility? This may sound crazy, but try visiting some or volunteering. I think you would be appreciated there. Might be another place to consider working-- I don't think it takes that long to get a CNA, and places are always looking. Of course that is because the work is hard and low-paid. But you would at least have regular shifts. And I think you'd enjoy the diverse environment -- all the CNAs at my mom's facility seemed to be recent immigrants.

I bet tons of places would LOVE to have you do meditation sessions -- that might be a great foot in the door.

[Zoe Girl]

Earlier today I helped my daughter with moving, it felt good to get her out of there more. I was pretty directive and we got 2 car loads to the storage unit. Then I started to feel sick to my stomach so we got lunch and I needed a nap. I got out and took a walk with a friend in the afternoon, then taught meditation in the evening. It was great, 9 people and 4 of them had meditated less than a year. I even did guiding and I usually just do silent. I really am looking forward to doing more of that as much as possible, I may be able to do the Sunday morning call this week since another person needs a sub.

I did two essential work tasks, I am still monitoring my credit card account.

I have a coffee date tomorrow morning and seeing my other daughter mid-day. If my oldest needs a little more help I can go in the evening. Oh yeah, I have a counseling appointment. I basically have planned human contact every day this week, and then the paperwork for the leave and my student loans and a lot of things I have not had time for.

Of Course CROCHET, I finished my custom order and have a few things to complete for consignment. That is fun for me.

[Reyes]

ZG, does your employer have paid short term disability? If so, are you able to access it? I know finances have been a struggle and now with not working you may want to look into that.

[Zoe Girl]

Thank you Reyes, I recently dropped my expenses down a lot. I also have 35 days of vacation and sick time that could last more than a year! So I am not planning on staying out forever, my school year job has lots of supportive people so I think that would be okay. This time off will let me look for a job and to re-adjust my expectations.

I am having a lot of cringing moments about how I didn't get everything done and how with a better supervisor I still had the same problems. It gets me into a victim-chronic failure mode. I mean I keep on having the same issues, however the supervisors keep on having the same issues too. I just thinking about what people must be saying or how I left mistakes behind, things that I need to talk to the counselor about. So not a very restful time off.

[Chicken lady]

Zoe Girl, I must have missed something. I’m not sure why you are off or for how long?

[Zoe Girl]

Hi Chicken, last Thursday my stress and anxiety at work got really bad and I called the supervisors and walked out for a medical leave. I was able to do a couple things before I left, however I am feeling that of course I didn't take care of enough. I had the one staff I actually knew before camp started give me a hug and tell me that no one could have pulled off this camp alone. (so much detail on what I was expected to do with under 2 weeks notice)

Now I had a counseling appointment yesterday, mostly just intake. A Dr appointment tomorrow to look at the hormone impact (hot flashes are creating a level of anxiety). I can't get into the psychiatrist until July 2nd so I set the leave for 3 weeks. I also got an energy healing yesterday that has helped for awhile, I am on my way to see my sister so I am around people every day. I am still struggling to eat reasonably well 3 times a day and drop my caffeine levels but I also feel like a jerk for napping daily.

[Gardnr]

ZG: you've got to let go of work. You can't fix work with worry and concerns. You are on leave to focus on your own wellness. If napping is needed, nap-no guilt, not a jerk.

Once your on FMLA your healthcare provider determines when you can return to work. Your employer cannot allow you to return until your provider sends them the paperwork releasing you to work.

Focus on YOU!!!

[Zoe Girl]

So I went to a different meditation group tonight, I just really needed to go somewhere. It is in the Refuge Recovery program, for recovery from addictions. I went to this one that is actually at a treatment center, so the people are there are 2 weeks and then move on. There were a few people who attended that had appeared to graduate. Most have not meditated before and are in very early recovery.

I liked it, there was a friend there that I have been on retreat with, and so he knows my background and I got to help answer a question. I asked them later if it was okay that I came, I am mostly there because 2 of my kids have gotten off drugs, and then it seems like a good place for my current situation of not being entirely stable. They said it was great and told me to come back, there are many Refuge meetings. I think this could be a good thing to do,

[Chicken lady]

Zoe Girl, I am really glad that you have found a safe space. I hope you can let go of work and take the time you need to heal.