The anniversary party, or, am I nuts?

[frugalone]

Hi gang:

Spouse and I recently celebrated a milestone anniversary. As some of you may know, we have had a rocky relationship, especially recently. Here's the situ: My mother has very kindly offered to host a party for us. She was ill at the time of the actual date, so would like to do it later this summer.

Spouse suffers from social anxiety, but when he gets to events, he does pretty well. Let us just say, he is displaying a lack of enthusiasm for this event. I can boil it down to this: "If this is what you want, and what your mother wants, I'll go along with it." This does not really make me feel great. I'd like him to be a bit more on board with it. Not in the sense that he should take part in planning, as that will mostly fall to my mom, niece and sister, but that he should actually CARE about the durned thing. I told him I wished he felt differently, but he's entitled to his feelings.

I should add that my mother is still not entirely well. She has lost a lot of weight and she tires quite easily. We discussed this and thought that perhaps it would give Mom a break not to do the party. On the other hand, if this is a gift she wants to give us, perhaps we should not hurt her feelings and refuse it?

THEN spouse says these things: 1) How come he's "giving me what I want and I'm still not happy"; 2) why hasn't Mom talked to him directly about it? and 3) If Mom wants to give a gift, why doesn't she just do something for me? In fact, maybe he will call her up and talk to her about it.

This is the point in the discussion where I kinda snapped and said, "You know what? This is already too much trouble." (He's a champion procrastinator and I can just see him putting off that phone call as he generally takes weeks to call people...) Then he tells me that I basically "pull the misery switch" whenever I can and make a mess of things at times.

We're not really speaking at the moment. This party has been "dumbed down" from what I wanted it to be in the first place (which was a total fantasy, BTW) and I'm not sure I see the point in celebrating three months after the actual date. He never really wants to do anything for our anniversary as it is. If I asked him five ways he'd like to acknowledge it, I'll bet he wouldn't come up with five.

Sorry, I am ranting a bit.

But am I nuts for wanting him to be more on board with this thing? Is bowing out such a bad idea? There's actually a party of me that feels that the whole thing is phony, considering how poorly we've gotten along the last couple of years.

[razz]

Simple advice if I may.
1. Suggest to your mother to have a simple celebration of family that recognizes your anniversary but that isn't too much strain on her.
2. Don't set up expectations that one's partner has to meet - one will almost always be disappointed. I learned this the hard way.
3. Get everyone to pitch in to help your mother including your partner. Let someone else take charge but help where possible.
4. Think of all the events and good that the family has to celebrate and simply enjoy sharing.
5. Focus on making the event memorable in a positive way for your mother.
6. Make the party a way of giving to others.

[frugalone]

Yes, you may, razz. :)

If it takes place at all, it will be a very simple event. Probably fewer than 25 people. This is just going to be a family event.
My husband is not going to help with something like this. Not to be rude, but he is totally clueless when it comes to social events. He didn't even know about tossing the bouquet and cutting the cake at our wedding. It has to do with the way he was raised, I think.

I just feel like the whole thing is too much trouble.

[JaneV2.0]

I would skip it, personally.
He's not on board; he's expressed that, and he's being dragged along against his will.
Go out for a nice, relaxed celebratory dinner and call it good.

[Tybee]

I would skip it, personally.
He's not on board; he's expressed that, and he's being dragged along against his will.
Go out for a nice, relaxed celebratory dinner and call it good.

I agree. Maybe allow your mom to take you out as a couple with any siblings, just immediate family, at a restaurant, no party, just a dinner under 10 people, in your honor. No party expectations, just a nice dinner.

[catherine]

If it takes place at all, it will be a very simple event. Probably fewer than 25 people.
I just feel like the whole thing is too much trouble.

My husband arranged a big "surprise" 60th party for me and about 25 people attended, and it was a big deal. I don't see a family party of that size as being simple at all.

Sometimes people (like maybe your mom) feel that they SHOULD do something, and that they are remiss if they don't. I remember when my DH and I told my MIL we were planning a big party for her 70th birthday and her response was, "Don't you dare!!" That was fine with us.

Maybe your mother will be slightly relieved to be off the hook. It would be my worst nightmare to be responsible for a milestone party for any of my kids.

I agree with Tybee. Small gathering, nice dinner at a round table at a nice restaurant. No gifts. Maybe DH would be able to stomach that. I'm an introvert, and frankly, as wonderful as it was to see my relatives on my 60th birthday, I HATED having the attention on me the whole time.

[Float On]

It sounds like it might be a better idea to skip a "party". You'll have to take it upon yourself to explain that to mother and suggest an alternative. It's ok to say "mom, I love the idea of it and love even more that you wanted to make a gift of it but at this point spouse is very uncomfortable with the idea of a party and it's been a rough season for you with your health". Maybe suggest a few alternatives - a tree to plant, a dinner certificate, maybe a simple photo shoot. The old idea of a anniversary party to mark a 50th or 60th anniversary doesn't seem like something our age group is really that interested in. On my parents 25th they retraced their honeymoon...even staying in the same rooms when possible (their advice...don't do that a lot of those roadside motels from the early 60's were not kept up in the late 80's), they wanted and I threw a huge 50th party for them. DH and I barely got dinner out on our 25th. We may try for a short trip on our 30th. If we make it to the 50th....who would we even want to party with.

[Simplemind]

Tybee +1. I'm an introvert and while I may be able to go to events and seem to do OK, it is entirely different if I'm somehow the center of attention. I would totally be on board with going out to dinner but would not want a party. If there are other issues brewing it would be even harder for me to get past the resentment and on board.

[frugalone]

Last year, my mom turned 80 and we wanted to give her a big party. She was adamant in that she did not want one. She just wanted to go out to dinner at a local seafood house with the closest family members. So that is what we did. She didn't want any gifts either. We just got her the cake.

When my parents celebrated the silver wedding anniversary, my granddad hosted a big party for them. I'm glad he did because my dad passed away less than two years later (cancer).

We just never do much of anything to celebrate our anniversary, not even going out to dinner.

I emailed my mom and she said she hasn't said anything to spouse because she figured it's our decision. She just wants to know ASAP what's going on so the planning can be halted if necessary.

I feel so angry and depressed right now that I don't want to do anything to celebrate it at all. After all, it was over last month. I feel like, just let it go.

[Simplemind]

Can you talk to your mom about what is really going on at home and thank her for the gesture and let it go for now? Timing is everything.

[Yppej]

It could be worse. My aunt is trying to force my parents to go on a cruise for my dad's eightieth birthday. Neither of them wants to go.

[iris lilies]

It could be worse. My aunt is trying to force my parents to go on a cruise for my dad's eightieth birthday. Neither of them wants to go.
Ouch, that would be a long haul obligation indeed. I will bet that the aunt isnt even paying.

[razz]

Perhaps, mine is a unique view but I want to see joy expressed. If another chooses not to participate, so be it. Your mother wants to give you a gift. It was triggered by your anniversary but it could be anything or everything. If your partner has no interest, don't let that take away your joy and your mother's joy in sharing a special time.

I recently watched a play based on the book Tuesdays with Morrie. This retired teacher, Morrie, nearing the end of his life, had had a special bond with a former student who now visited every Tuesday until the teacher's passing. One comment that really resonated with me was the Morrie's decision to hold his own wake and enjoy it. He had earlier attended the somber wake of a professional peer who received many accolades/flowers from others but only after death. Morrie wanted to enjoy the occasion of the social gathering when still alive. He did it and loved the result. I came away from that play realizing that I controlled my joy, the occasions, if and when they happened and who was invited.
Frugalone, what activity would give you joy to do? Have a party or dinner or whatever and enjoy. Let your mother give you the gift.

[Yppej]

Ouch, that would be a long haul obligation indeed. I will bet that the aunt isnt even paying.

She is offering to pay.

[iris lilies]

She is offering to pay.
Woah!
But even then, a typical ocean cruise, ick.
would she pay for a vavation of your dad’s choosing, and would he choose? Or is No Travel just his thing?

[Yppej]

He might do a non-cruise. My mom does not travel at all.

[SteveinMN]

THEN spouse says these things: 1) How come he's "giving me what I want and I'm still not happy"
DH clearly does not want the big "do". Maybe he does usually "come around" and is okay for such celebrations. But he will be half of front-and-center this time and he just may not be able to work up more enthusiasm than this (at this time or ever). tbh going by your post you don't seem very excited either ("This party has been "dumbed down" from what I wanted it to be in the first place (which was a total fantasy, BTW) and I'm not sure I see the point in celebrating three months after the actual date.").


2) why hasn't Mom talked to him directly about it? and
Because she's your mother? I'll grant I've only had the experience of two marriages and some hearsay from married friends, but I find this communication mode entirely normal. Now, if the last thing DH would ever want to do in the world is to appear at an event like this, then you as the contact should be bringing that news to Mom to represent your spouse and to preserve her energy. If Mom wants to "negotiate" directly with DH at that point, that's fine. It's a gift; technically Mom didn't need any input at all to give it, though it could be a big flame-out if she guessed wrong. It's good that she's at least consulting you about the gift.


3) If Mom wants to give a gift, why doesn't she just do something for me? In fact, maybe he will call her up and talk to her about it.
It's an anniversary. A big one. Kind of requires both of you. You wanted a party. What does DH have in mind for "do something"? A different kind of event? Buy a new washer/dryer?

My $.02:
Recast the event. Ask DH if he can be more enthusiastic about dinner at a very nice restaurant with you and Mom (and maybe a couple of other people who have been important to getting to this milestone). If the math works, tell him he never again has to celebrate a milestone anniversary this way. If he can sign on to that, then suggest to Mom that the nice small dinner seems more appropriate to the (now-past) occasion and to the wishes and capabilities of all involved.

[frugalone]

Razz--I like your attitude!

Update: Sent an email to Mom and told her what was going on. She says she hasn't asked him b/c it's OUR decision and she doesn't want to pressure him. I told spouse what she said. He didn't say much, except he muttered, "Maybe I could get a stand-in." Probably his idea of a joke. At least we're speaking to one another again.

SteveinMN--he never had any idea to "do something." He's just not that kind of guy. He pretty much does go along with whatever I suggest, but at times, it gets frustrating. I'm not sure why.

As my sister would say, "It is what it is."

[herbgeek]

I'm not understanding something. Why would you want to go ahead and have a party to celebrate an anniversary when your spouse has clearly stated more than once that he doesn't want to participate? It sounds like you want to go ahead anyways, and then complain that your spouse isn't being energetic/enthusiastic about the party. What am I missing?

[lmerullo]

I'll throw my hat in...you're nuts. Said only because you asked...

I would bow out at this point. If hubby has zero enthusiasm and it's way after the actual date, id just scrap the idea. Tell mom you appreciate the thought but you've celebrated on a personal level and don't need the big to-do. She may be relieved.

[Gardnr]

It could be worse. My aunt is trying to force my parents to go on a cruise for my dad's eightieth birthday. Neither of them wants to go.

Hopefully they won't succumb. We went (reluctantly) on a cruise for my older sister's 65th birthday. By the time we got home this little adventure cost us $11,600. (this doesn't include getting passports).

She selected the MOST expensive week all summer. Departure city was Vancouver BC-very expensive city. Flying home from Anchorage AK very expensive.

We had never wanted to cruise. Without knowing what her plan was, when asked, we said yes we would help her celebrate her 65th. Her adult children were not happy-1 refused and the other told her she would have to foot most of the bill.

Hopefully Dad will come up with a celebration that makes HIM happy. "everyone come to my house for a lovely dinner/BBQ". "rent a house on the beach for a weekend. ANYTHING that makes him happy.

[Gardnr]

I feel so angry and depressed right now that I don't want to do anything to celebrate it at all. After all, it was over last month. I feel like, just let it go.

Then don't do it. Sounds like you should spend time talking to your spouse to work through all of this.