Faking it?

[Zoe Girl]

I feel like i am feeling awesome, and then i went clothes shopping for my retreat and that i lostweight weight. Going into even a quiet store was a lot. I had a good experience, talked to the cashier and was normal. I couldn't buyb much because i just feel like i am faking normal.

However i realize how much i have been holding it together and why 4 people have offered a leave over the last few months. I randomly close my eyes when the sensory overload gets high for example. So i am actually thinking about going back earlier with half days to work into being around people.

Meanwhile I remembered something i did while i took over the site, which was have the 2 new employees complete the 3 hours of online training. Since the computer cart we were expecting was locked up by the principal i had to let them use mine which was a reason to get behind on parent phone calls (all in a google doc and no printer access). That made me feel better.

[razz]

Just as one should complete a prescription, my thinking is that you take the full dose of a break. Burnout needs rest and recovery. Going in ahead of time is not wise, IMO.

[nswef]

I agree with Razz...take the FULL time to completely heal!

[Tammy]

Instead of returning to work earlier, I think you need a longer leave them three weeks. FMLA allows for 12 weeks. I don’t know how much of that time would be paid for you but you don’t sound ready to return. And that job is toxic.

[Zoe Girl]

Okay, I am listening. Part of this process is to actually LISTEN to people instead of thinking I know how to handle everything myself. I am terrible at that,

I checked in with my old supervisor to see what the atmosphere is like there, she is also out on medical for a torn miniscus (spelling). So she said the same thing. Take my time,

[nswef]

You've hardly begun to heal, you need more time.

[Zoe Girl]

Just going a little bonkers! Writing crochet patterns, going to lots of meditation groups, walking and weeding.

But breaking my identification with this job is going to be a process isn't it.

[Simplemind]

You have just hit the nail on the head, you have made this job your identity, do or die. That is why you are obsessing about it while you are desperately needing to break from it. It has gone beyond just a job and doing a good job while you are there. You care overmuch about the job and the job cares nothing for you.
I also had an unhealthy attachment to mine and knew that the systemic problems were way beyond my ability to change them but darn it...… I put 26 years into making it a better place. I had been unhappy for so long but couldn't let go because I was so invested. I made myself retire early, it took a lot of internal courage because I knew it would be like cutting off my right arm. I felt like I failed but I really hadn't, it wasn't mine to fix. I won't lie, I thought about it daily for the first couple of years and was still trying to problem solve when coworkers would call me even though I was no longer there. I wasn't sure who I was if I wasn't that and other things never filled my attention as thoroughly as that. It was an internal thing that friends and family just didn't get.
I still think about it, just not as often. I now have found other more positive things that are deserving of my time and expertise. I don't feel like I am throwing my energy and ideas into a black hole. You will too ZG, you will too. It is hard to lay down your sword when you have fought the good fight. This job has been unraveling you for a long time. There is no shame in realizing that is isn't a good fit for your talents. The structure (or lack of) works against you and there is nothing you can do to remedy that within or without.

[Zoe Girl]

Thank you Simple, that really helps me deal with this more effectively. Just having you understand the situation is very supportive. I have not thought about it daily, at least the first few days when I was really in poor shape. However it is starting to come up a little daily. Mostly I also need to let go of that fantasy that I can make things better. Also I really saw before I left that I may have had my colleagues respect me however I really didn't have friends. After years I noticed that no one called me or included me in social activities.

If I do not have another job before school starts I do have some strategies to go back. One is being realistic, and another is to keep up with counseling. I think I can make them treat it as a priority since I am coming back from FMLA. I have had issues before with taking time on a regular basis and the unfriendly rules.

BTW I heard who the 2 new supervisors are (promoted while I was off). I am pretty happy with those even though they do not supervise me. One of them at least has been impacted and very vocal about how the supervisors did not cover our absences to the point of compromising safety.

[mschrisgo2]

Zoe Girl, the intensity of the sensory overload that you are describing sounds very much like PTSD, which takes significant time to heal. Please do Not try to go back early! What you are describing sounds like a brain injury from stress, i.e. Very High amounts of cortisol dumped into your bloodstream over a long period of time damages the human nervous system, of which the brain is part. Did your dr or counselor mention this at all?

There are some things you can do to help the healing process, along with getting nutritious food and good sleep. Listening to robust music (i.e. full orchestra, with melody and harmony and regular rhythm) is one, as music is inherently organizing for the brain. There are other things I can suggest if you are interested; I worked with brain injured children for 4 years, lots of practical experience and research.

You might also benefit from a 12-step group, such as alanon, that focuses on what is yours to do and letting go of the rest.

Best of luck to you as you continue to travel this road.

[bae]

You definitely need more time off to regain yourself.

[dado potato]

ZG: Tomorrow I plan to rise about 15 minutes before sunrise. I will sit, looking out my windows, facing the rising sun. I will wish you ease, comfort, satisfaction... and luck. Be well.

[Gardnr]

Just going a little bonkers! Writing crochet patterns, going to lots of meditation groups, walking and weeding.

But breaking my identification with this job is going to be a process isn't it.

I said it early on: you need to simply BE. You are very focused on DOING. It took a LONG time to get to this state. It's going to take time to heal from it.

going back to work part time? That's not part time. You're sucked back in 24/7. You know that's how YOU are built. You will not walk out and leave it there.

Take a deep breathe. Listen to your provider. Take every minute of FMLA they are willing to give you. Personally, I don't think 3weeks is enough.

[Teacher Terry]

I totally agree

[Zoe Girl]

that sounds nice dado,

Yeah, I was somewhat diagnosed with PTSD with the EAP counselor. I think the closing eyes and being nervous to go to public places probably counts. I am making notes to bring to my new counselor on Tuesday. I think that is the place to work on, the couple of times I lost my temper with my boss are definite places to start. I mean he is really difficult but I have not lost my temper with a boss in 30 years.

Meanwhile I have been going to as many meditation groups as I can. I find sitting at home is about 10-15 minutes at most but I can do more in a group.

[Tammy]

Idea- When you feel stir crazy that’s the time to concentrate on finding a different job. That is not the time to think about returning to the current job.

[danna]

Just adding my 2 cents Zoe, if I were you I would try to listen to all the good advice given above. It is easier to
think you are ready at home because there is so much less to do, but once you get back to work all the will change again.
And, remember even if you are half days you will be 100% aware of what is going on there again.

[Gardenarian]

Take your time. Maybe your local library has some interesting programs going on.