People afraid to do things themselves

[Tradd]

This is puzzling me. I seem to be encountering it a lot among young folks.

Guy in his late 20s who I work with. Smart, outgoing, lots of friends. Desperately wants to learn to scuba dive but refuses to take the class by himself (without knowing anyone). Said he’s a fish in the water so no related fears. He won’t lack for people to dive with after certified. He wanted a friend to do class with him, but friend can’t afford it.

Another mid-20 something. Lived in Europe for several years not knowing anyone when she moved there. Won’t go to the gym by herself. Won’t ride her bike through her safe suburban neighborhood by herself. Won’t run out to get carryout food without someone with her.

These are just two examples, but I’m running into a LOT of people like this.

What gives?

[Teacher Terry]

That is weird and I don’t know anyone like that.

[Miss Cellaneous]

Add to that people who won't go to the movies by themselves or go out to eat by themselves.

I get it that it is more fun to do things with someone you know. It's less stressful than being surrounded by strangers. But if I didn't do things by myself, I'd never do anything!

[KayLR]

I think the Millennials are much more "tribal" than previous gens. And yes, I'm stereotyping because Boomers get stereotyped all the time.

Maybe it's because they were micromanaged as children by their parents.

[Gardenarian]

I think this is common in young people, not just now, but always. They feel like they appear to be a loser if they do things by themselves. "What, don't you have any friends?"

I think it also gives them a sense of affirmation. Like, this is not a stupid thing to be doing, because my friend is doing it too.

I remember friends in college begging me to go somewhere with them - even just shopping - because they didn't want to go alone. Oh, and to parties - no one wanted to show up at a party alone.

If you bring a friend, there will be at least one other person you can talk to.
And if it's awful, you can joke about it together, instead of feeling like "that was a stupid thing for me to do."

[Simplemind]

Gardenarian hits the nail on the head.

[iris lilies]

Gardenarian hits the nail on the head.
Yeah, I think she is right, too.

I think it can be an age thing but certainly a personality thing. I dont know about generational.
But I remember friends in my youth asking me to go places like movies, shopping, and then acting as though they could not do these activities if they had to do it alone.

I admit it, I judged them for it.:~)

[Tradd]

If cannot go by yourself to pickup carryout, you’ve got issues. Sheesh.

[Float On]

I'm sitting in movie alone right now waiting for Mama Mia to start. Im always at movie alone since my son works and I get in free.

[razz]

I find that a lot of people are surprised that I do so many things on my own. I invite some to join me and sometimes they do. Most older adults will look for a group to do whatever is planned. I love meeting strangers and getting different perspectives from those outside my circle.

I prefer to follow my own timetable and choice of activity. As soon as another gets involved, I find that what I want to do is modified - date, activity, time of day, who else is coming and driving etc. etc. What I do now is offer to buy an extra ticket to a day and activity that I have chosen, if no takers, I go alone and get to do what is important to me. I don't share a room in travel paying the single supplement to go to bed when I want, avoid TV completely, access Wifi, have some peace and quiet from the crowd and rejoin feeling refreshed and outgoing again.

[iris lilies]

I find that a lot of people are surprised that I do so many things on my own. I invite some to join me and sometimes they do. Most older adults will look for a group to do whatever is planned. I love meeting strangers and getting different perspectives from those outside my circle.

I prefer to follow my own timetable and choice of activity. As soon as another gets involved, I find that what I want to do is modified - date, activity, time of day, who else is coming and driving etc. etc. What I do now is offer to buy an extra ticket to a day and activity that I have chosen, if no takers, I go alone and get to do what is important to me. I don't share a room in travel paying the single supplement to go to bed when I want, avoid TV completely, access Wifi, have some peace and quiet from the crowd and rejoin feeling refreshed and outgoing again.

I know! It is so simple for me to do X activity, alone.
when I add even one person, details get changed, times reworked, and then there is the endless communication about how/where/when. If there is more than one person, then the entire adtivity morphs into something very different.

I just wanna go do X.

Me being a Luddite and not using my cell phone throws a wrench in the game because when they say “oh hey, just call me when you are ten minutes away” it doesn't work, nor does not locking down exact plans where to meet. I dont have mobile phone, cannot communicate when away feom my landline.

[Yppej]

This drives me nuts at work. People who spend endless hours chatting instead of working will ask their friends if they will go to the bathroom with them, or to get water with them, etc. So it's not a chance to get away from the boss's eye and talk because they already do that anyways. It's a fear of being alone for even a second. There are a pair like this at my current job and my previous job had a pair also. Let's go hang out in the bathroom together - very junior highish.

[SteveinMN]

Let's go hang out in the bathroom together - very junior highish.
As a male, I have never heard this from a male co-worker. Maybe some other socialization at work here?

[JaneV2.0]

Conjoined Twin Syndrome?
I guess adulting is harder for some than for others.

[CathyA]

I've done so much alone my entire life. I went to Europe alone when I was 19. I would go to movies, restaurants, etc. alone. DD doesn't have a problem doing things alone either.
I can remember my mother whining because no one would go with her somewhere and I said "Go by yourself." and she yelled "I don't want to go by myself!" I haven't a clue why some people are like this and others aren't.
It is sure limiting to not be able to do something, if there's no one with you.

[catherine]

I think it's an individual thing. I planned to travel through Europe when I was 20, but my mother freaked out that I was planning on going alone, and she used emotional blackmail bribery to keep me from going and it worked. Normally, I have no problem being alone and doing things alone.

OTOH, I remember my son's best friend who was adamant that my son go hang out with him on the nights his mother had to work. He would NOT be alone--even in his own. house.

I think some people have a high tolerance for doing things solo, and others have a real aversion to it. I don't think it's a new thing.

[iris lilies]

I think it's an individual thing. I planned to travel through Europe when I was 20, but my mother freaked out that I was planning on going alone, and she used emotional blackmail bribery to keep me from going and it worked. Normally, I have no problem being alone and doing things alone.

OTOH, I remember my son's best friend who was adamant that my son go hang out with him on the nights his mother had to work. He would NOT be alone--even in his own. house.

I think some people have a high tolerance for doing things solo, and others have a real aversion to it. I don't think it's a new thing.

An excellent reason to get married!

not.

[razz]

An excellent reason to get married!

not.
I have a friend who went from parents' home to a marriage. When he passed on, she was so lost on her own and remarried. When he died, she had her son build her a new home but never moved in as she could not be alone ever.

Eventually she moved into an abusive family situation, finally sold the new house at a huge loss after renting it out for a few years in which it deteriorated badly. She is now is living with someone who is medically fragile. The family don't know what to do to help her as she has spent most of her financial assets which were considerable at one point.

A very frightened of being alone individual can be very vulnerable and so stubborn in their fear.

[Miss Cellaneous]

I think it's an individual thing. I planned to travel through Europe when I was 20, but my mother freaked out that I was planning on going alone, and she used emotional blackmail bribery to keep me from going and it worked. Normally, I have no problem being alone and doing things alone.

OTOH, I remember my son's best friend who was adamant that my son go hang out with him on the nights his mother had to work. He would NOT be alone--even in his own. house.

I think some people have a high tolerance for doing things solo, and others have a real aversion to it. I don't think it's a new thing.

I have a friend who will go backpacking on stretches of the Appalachian Trail by herself for a week, but will call me to come and stay at her house overnight when her husband is away. She'll do a lot by herself, but can't sleep alone in the house. I have no idea why.

It occurs to me that the one big thing I don't do alone is hiking/backpacking. Probably because if I get hurt out in the wild somewhere, I want someone else there to help out and get me to safety. I tend to go hiking with my friend who treks the Appalachian Trail. She knows what she's doing.

[JaneV2.0]

I have a friend who will go backpacking on stretches of the Appalachian Trail by herself for a week, but will call me to come and stay at her house overnight when her husband is away. She'll do a lot by herself, but can't sleep alone in the house. I have no idea why.

It occurs to me that the one big thing I don't do alone is hiking/backpacking. Probably because if I get hurt out in the wild somewhere, I want someone else there to help out and get me to safety. I tend to go hiking with my friend who treks the Appalachian Trail. She knows what she's doing.

David Paulides, who's written a number of books about people disappearing in wilderness areas cautions never to hike alone (and to bring a satellite radio). I agree wholeheartedly.

[Tradd]

There’s a big difference between someone who doesn’t want to hike alone and someone incapable of going to pick up their carryout order by themselves.

[JaneV2.0]

There’s a big difference between someone who doesn’t want to hike alone and someone incapable of going to pick up their carryout order by themselves.

That goes without saying.

I go everywhere alone, and have for years.

[messengerhot]

I guess this has something to do with the common misconception that being alone is similar to being lonely. Definitely, most young people wouldn't want to give an impression that they're actually lonely, which is why they try their best not to remain alone. I believe, though, that people tend to outgrow this eventually as they learn that there's happiness in solitude. You can go all by yourself, but still remain happy.

[Yppej]

And you can be with someone and feel very lonely. This happened to me in my dysfunctional marriage.

[ApatheticNoMore]

I would peg it as some form of shyness/social phobia. Certainly if someone avoided doing something they wanted to and didn't have a ton of friends to drag along and so just didn't do it, it would be pegged as such. If they got a party invite and were afraid to go to it would be diagnosed as such. If they didn't want to do something because they thought it would be seen as stupid ... yea. Of course shyness just is mostly (I'm not sure it's really entirely curable), but people can force themselves to do stuff sometimes if they think it's worth it and maybe get slightly more used to that particular thing (provided they don't completely hate it ... hard to ever get entirely used to something if you completely hate it).


I think the Millennials are much more "tribal" than previous gens.

that might be.


This drives me nuts at work. People who spend endless hours chatting instead of working will ask their friends if they will go to the bathroom with them, or to get water with them, etc. So it's not a chance to get away from the boss's eye and talk because they already do that anyways. It's a fear of being alone for even a second. There are a pair like this at my current job and my previous job had a pair also. Let's go hang out in the bathroom together - very junior highish.

I vote them most likely to succeed in life because they'll be the one's with the network - but really if that's what they are doing they should broaden it some, a network of one person you know is only so useful ... But yes I've seen people leave a company and drag everyone they know along to the new company. I've seen groups do it several times at several different companies (they travel in packs from job to job). And I've seen at least two different groups of such - in my own work experience. I do think that is succeeding in life. Going it alone is a hard road and working hard at one's desk only gets one so far. I've certainly learned it's sometimes more important to be liked than to do good work.

[Tybee]

I would tend to agree, APN, about both the social phobia and the fact that people who travel in packs do better in life. Unfortunately for me, who is an introvert. But it does seem true in my experience.

[lmerullo]

I highly value my alone time. I tend to experience some sort of sensory overload when surrounded by too many people for too long a Time. I sometimes need a little retreat in order to gather myself back together. So much so that on a trip that we are planning soon on a cruise, I needed to upgrade and spend more money to have a cabin with a balcony so that I might go out on the balcony and regroup, alone...this even happens on occasion with just hubby and me. He's highly social, and I tolerate it, and even participate, but would not seek social interaction if not for him.

[Teacher Terry]

I don’t hike alone in the mountains because it is dangerous. Every spring they find some morons body up there after the snow melts. My DH does though. If my husband died I would probably just cruise for vacation because you can do it alone but still have people to talk to at dinner, tours, etc.

[JaneV2.0]

I don’t hike alone in the mountains because it is dangerous. Every spring they find some morons body up there after the snow melts. My DH does though. If my husband died I would probably just cruise for vacation because you can do it alone but still have people to talk to at dinner, tours, etc.

Or--as Paulides points out in his books--they don't find the body. :0!

[pony mom]

I usually do things on my own because I don't have many friends that I do things with. Movies, concerts, Broadway shows, museums, doesn't matter to me. When I was twenty I stayed in London for five weeks with four strangers (we stayed in dorms). And went again with a tour group, but on my own. I was alone, but not lonely. Plus I can easily make conversation with anyone.

As for parties, I have found that if I have a guest with me, I spend too much time talking to that person and looking after them rather than meeting and talking to other people.

If I'll miss doing or seeing something because no one else wants to do it, I'll do it on my own. Life's too short.

[ToomuchStuff]

Add to that people who won't go to the movies by themselves or go out to eat by themselves.

I get it that it is more fun to do things with someone you know. It's less stressful than being surrounded by strangers. But if I didn't do things by myself, I'd never do anything!

There is a gal I know, who won't eat alone and she is around her 50's. The newer generation, are in so much constant contact with email, facebook, cell phones, etc. they don't seem to know how to handle alone.
I grew up spending a lot of time alone. Tv as the babysitter after the abduction, neighborhoods where other kids were much younger, non existent, girls, or some combo. I actually feel more comfortable eating alone, then I do in a group. Movies, I attend so rarely, that it normally is alone and towards the last showing of the night.