Introverts, how much social contact can you tolerate?

[catherine]

I feel like I must be getting less able to spend large chunks of time with other people! Not sure why.

As I've mentioned, we are starting to build a fun social life with our neighbors--really nice people. This is the fulfillment of my DH's dreams, as he is very much a people person, and thrives on social contact. In NJ, over time, our social life had withered away, and he was literally withering away, too. So he is in heaven.

This weekend, one set of neighbors arrived from their home in the NY area, and our other neighbors are here as well. So Friday night, we all gathered together and talked for maybe 3 hours. Last night DH and I went to our neighbor's house and talked for another 3 hours (I actually left before DH, at 11:30, because I just couldn't stay any longer--he didn't come home until 1). They invited us on their boat with the other neighbors today. We had plans with my son, but DH is willing to break those plans so he can go on the boat with the two other couples. I'm fine with it, I guess, but I would much rather hang out at home today. I think I'm just tapped out socially.

So, if you are an introvert, at what point do you physically feel that you have to escape social situations, even if you like the people you are with?

[IshbelRobertson]

I am getting more and more introverted as I age. I was a shy child, then as an adult had to interact with Uni students and all that entails. Before I took voluntary early retirement, I found excuses not to join in faculty jollies.

It’s truly too much for me nowadays to be in groups of four or more people.

[Tybee]

Oh gosh, Catherine, I could not bear two of those in a row. I am definitely less able to cope with so much socialization as I age. I can take one thing a weekend with non-family, but two in a row would wear me out. I would not be able to break the date with son to couple socialize again--the family time is refreshing to me. We have very friendly neighbors and I know they are offended that we have not gone out on their boat with them, will not drive great distances with them in their car, do not want to socialize every day--but honestly, this is why we moved to the country, and are happy socializing mostly with family. My husband is much more extroverted than I and this has been a problem in our marriage. He wants to have a giant garage sale and I have realized it would be two days of social anxiety hell, to have to interact with all these strangers.

So for the kind of social activity you are describing with neighbors/couples, once a week is about right for me. Unfortunately, you're in a summer house/vacation neighborhood and it's not a great idea to turn down going out on a boat!

[catherine]

So for the kind of social activity you are describing with neighbors/couples, once a week is about right for me. Unfortunately, you're in a summer house/vacation neighborhood and it's not a great idea to turn down going out on a boat!

I know, but we just turned them down. I had no influence on that decision--I was willing to go along, although, as you said, it would have bummed me out to tell my son that we are too busy to have him up this weekend. But that's moot now--I think even DH is worn out!

[rosarugosa]

That would definitely exceed my tolerance! When I was working, I could comfortably handle 1 social thing every other weekend. I would probably be OK with 2 -3 things in a two-week period now, since I do get more quiet alone time.

[Teacher Terry]

I am a extrovert but find as I am aging I need more downtime. I enjoy family but we have a active social life with other couples. Every Saturday we go to whatever festival or local event is happening and everyone knows that day is sacred.

[nswef]

I am more introverted than I used to be. Social events even with people I enjoy being with are exhausting. I find I need two days to recover from lunch out. My calendar has several days empty and I love looking at the week with little outside activity. Then some weeks there is something nearly every day. I get very tired during those weeks. I cannot believe I used to work all week teaching 4th graders, do all the after school meetings, planning, paperwork and still out for dinner a couple times a month and weekends with at least one day used up. I dont miss that.

[Yppej]

I am an introvert who recharges alone, but am more open to social interaction than I used to be. When I was a single parent of a young child working full-time and going to school nights I had no time or interest.

[razz]

I am borderline introvert most of the time. I can socialize with anyone any time but much prefer one-on-one contacts. After two hours, I need a break from everything social. I don't like any activities that go on longer than 2 hours, it seems.
Your activity with the new neighbours would be way too much.

[gimmethesimplelife]

Quite a bit, actually, even though it does go against my grain as an introvert - a textbook example of an introvert, which is what I am. In what I do for money, there is a great deal of social contact involved and it's part of the job and that is that is that is that by any other name is still that.

I am able to deal with people on my job BUT when I come home I am grateful that those in my life beyond work that are close to me know that I am an introvert and that I need my downtime and that I am not blowing anyone off but am merely recharging the way that works for me and that I will get back to people once I have recharged. I am able to drop everything once in awhile and be social after work at the drop of a hat - provided it's not often and provided there is some kind of social cause behind it that matters to me. To just socialize after work though - getting harder and harder as I get older.

Definitely I was meant to live in a library that is quiet with a large collection of books.......cats roaming around would be great along with stories of social justice for children - but not extremely young children, I'm talking 10 and above. As far a communicating with me goes outside of the workplace........I do have a FB page and I do have a smartphone with voice mail - what I tell people is PM me or VM me......I'll get back to you once my batteries are recharged - are you not worth my whole presence? Some understand this and some don't - some of the looks I have gotten from using this line LOL - I should start a website for introverts based on the looks I've gotten from using this line alone. I believe introverts will understand at what I am getting at here. Rob

[ApatheticNoMore]

well never even mind if one likes socializing or not, if one is working, doesn't this use up ALL their free time, well that and chores and for sure. Ugh.

[Tammy]

There is nothing wrong with your husband going to all of these things and you only going to some of these things.

[gimmethesimplelife]

There is nothing wrong with your husband going to all of these things and you only going to some of these things.Agreed 100%! Rob

[Teacher Terry]

ANM, when I was working f.t. we frequently entertained at our house. Sometimes having a sit down dinner for 20 people. Working and chores did not take all my time.

[Yppej]

Teachers get out earlier in the day than people in other professions and also have summers and numerous other weeks and days off. You are not comparing apples to apples. I get 2 weeks off only per year, for instance.

[iris lilies]

I cannot say “how often” is too often, but I often stay home whrn DH goes out. He isnt much of an extrovert, but he does like seeing our friends, and all of his social contacts are here in our neighborhood, while so many of my social contacts are outside here now. So, I dont go to weekly coffe klatch down our street, but he does. I dont go to the card group’s events, while he does. It just occured to me that he has not been going to the bi weekly concerts in our neighborhood park and
I stopped going to those more than a decade ago.

[Teacher Terry]

Ypp: I was NOT a teacher when I worked f.t. I worked for the state 8-5 with 2 weeks vacation. Teaching a university class is my retirement job. I would come home from work and cook or have it on a Saturday night.

[HappyHiker]

Small groups of 1-4 are great for me. But I get over-stimulated with larger gatherings. Not sure I'm a true introvert, but I am a true highly-sensitive human who can't take much in the way of stimuli, noise, chaos. A cocktail party, mixer, or a rock concert does me in after a short period of time.

[SteveinMN]

Ypp: I was NOT a teacher when I worked f.t. I worked for the state 8-5 with 2 weeks vacation. Teaching a university class is my retirement job. I would come home from work and cook or have it on a Saturday night.
I don't understand how only teachers would have time for work, chores, and a social life. DW managed it with a daughter. XW and I both worked full-time jobs, sometimes on opposing shifts, and we managed it. It all comes down, I think, to wanting to do it. If you don't want to, the time doesn't appear.

I don't think I could come up with a single number that's "too much". I know DW and I have set an informal limit of two "events" in any one weekend, be that dancing or dinner with friends or watching the grandkids. If we split up the commitments, we may choose to do more than that. But I am aware that (vacation aside) DW gets only two days off each week and several hours on one of those days typically is promised to her mother about 45 minutes away from here (social time, check-in, some errands). We try to leave Friday evenings sacrosanct because it's been the end of a long week for DW and, sometimes, for me. But if Friday night works best for a particular event, we try to leave either Saturday night or Sunday free for joint commitments. Really hard to say; I would not want to write a scheduling algorithm that emulated our choices! :~)

I will note that sometimes one-on-one events or events with just another couple or two are sometimes more taxing on us than much larger events, when we can take the opportunity to "disappear" for a while. And, of course, some people are harder to spend time with than others. lol We're pretty happy with our social lives. There are times we regret stuff we don't think we can make time to do -- and times we wish we weren't as busy as we are. It averages out.

[ApatheticNoMore]

You have to figure at least a 2 hour a day commute into any reasonably attainable job. It was an hour each way commute to my last job, 40-60 minutes each way for the one before that (and then there was all the times I was on call), and that's like the last 6 years. And I'm open to a longer commute now because I don't think I have much choice. But yea it's exhausting. No I didn't find time for anything much (yes of course gotta work), I felt crazy and overwhelmed ALL THE TIME, but what can one do. I didn't pressure myself with unattainable nonsense, it was enough to survive, get some exercise, cook fresh food, see my bf, and keep chores from completely falling apart.

[Teacher Terry]

I have never had more than a 20 minute commute to a job. I didn’t have a physically demanding job so that could be a difference. I had a social life even when I had kids at home.

[Yppej]

Some jobs also require overtime.

[Teacher Terry]

The last thing the state wanted to do was pay overtime. However, once we were short staffed so I worked at home every Sunday for comp time for 6 months. That was nice to have.

[Simplemind]

I have more than a couple of friends that love to get together for lunch which more often than not goes anywhere from 4-6 hours. It kills me. I would much prefer to get together more often for shorter periods of time and walk and talk if possible. Love my friends and they obviously need to talk but yikes!

[ApatheticNoMore]

I have more than a couple of friends that love to get together for lunch which more often than not goes anywhere from 4-6 hours. It kills me. I would much prefer to get together more often for shorter periods of time and walk and talk if possible. Love my friends and they obviously need to talk but yikes!

I hear you :) marathon sessions of sitting and talking, no physical activity (like walking or uh even circulating around the room) allowed, plant your butt in the chair.

[catherine]

I have more than a couple of friends that love to get together for lunch which more often than not goes anywhere from 4-6 hours. It kills me. I would much prefer to get together more often for shorter periods of time and walk and talk if possible. Love my friends and they obviously need to talk but yikes!

Every year 8 couples--friends I had in college get together for a long weekend and I always look forward to it, but by Sunday, I'm dying. Unfortunately the weekends leave me wishing I had more one-to-one time with a couple of those friends. But all that group stuff really wears me out.

[Teacher Terry]

When I went to Wisconsin we spent 9 days with various friends and I never got sick of it. Very fun!

[KayLR]

I'm so introverted I procrastinated even posting a response to this thread.

I actually prefer a group because I can be less conspicuous, kind of hide in the numbers. When we get together with a couple I don't know well, (which are most of them) I feel very nervous.

[Ultralight]

I find almost all other people rather boring. There are a few notable exceptions I have known throughout my life. My current friend Jeff -- interesting guy. A buddy of mine from college, "Krompy," was always a good conversationalist. My ex-wife was mostly pretty interesting. I could name a few more.

But the vast majority of people I work with are boring or what you might call "basic" or "basic 2.0."

The majority of the atheists and minimalists I hang out with get boring after a half hour.

My ladyfriend talks a lot about mundane things and I can get bored with her fairly quick.

So when I am interacting with boring people (which is mostly everyone) I find myself thinking how I'd like to get back to reading whatever book I am in the middle of or about sketching some image in my mind.

I rarely get bored, except by other people.

Does this make me an introvert?

[catherine]

Does this make me an introvert?

No, it probably just makes you generally uninterested in people. I don't think introverts are unimpressed with people--I think they just have limits to interacting with them before they have to recharge their batteries alone.

But I don't think you are as bored with people as you say you are. You're pretty engaged with us--or so it seems.

[ApatheticNoMore]

I get wanting to read a book instead, that's what I think about packing social life on top of hard work/commute schedules, like where do you get time to do stuff YOU personally want to, like read and stuff? I don't know if it's extroversion or introversion (though I've never been called an extrovert in my life) but it is sometimes about keeping a certain level of mental contentment versus slipping toward feeling very discontented with/in the moment. Too much loneliness takes a mental toll but so does too much socializing. Sometimes maintaining this mental balance even needs a feeling of purpose and accomplishing something, like reading a book feels purposeful. So does walking.

[Teacher Terry]

ANM, I think you have s real problem with depression.

[pammy]

I definitely need my 'me' time or I get crabby!! After an hour or so socializing, I'm spent and need some down time. It's getting that I need more 'me' time the older I get, too. Can't wait to get moved into the country when down time is the norm and I can actually look forward to socializing instead of dreading it.

[Gardenarian]

I consider myself very introverted. I get enough social stimulation from my dance group (twice/week, very little chatting) and from casual encounters walking the dog and going to the market and gym.

As for the work factor - sure there are people who work hard all week and socialize all weekend. Takes all sorts. It's when you have very little free time that you see, by your actions, what you really value. After a day at work I just want to be left alone.

I go to parties now and then, but no more than once per month.

I find people exhausting. Like ANM, I prefer reading or walking or working on my own projects, and I don't think that's a sign of depression.

I kind of like crowds - I enjoy the Ren Faire and parades and stuff, but that's impersonal contact.

[Teacher Terry]

ANM, is mostly pessimistic towards most topics and I think depression may be playing a part of this.

[catherine]

I get wanting to read a book instead, that's what I think about packing social life on top of hard work/commute schedules, like where do you get time to do stuff YOU personally want to, like read and stuff?

I was just in a furniture store with my son, and he saw a sign that said, "Go away. I'm reading." He wanted to buy it as a gift for his SIL (my DIL), because she's a huge reader, but he was afraid that he'd hurt her feelings because she is so kind and sweet she would never say that. I told him that that's exactly why she'd love that sign! So she doesn't have to say it, even though she's probably thinking it! Especially since she just had a baby (2 months old)--she is really going to be craving some alone time with her books. I thought it was a perfect gift.


On another note, I just dropped my son off with my husband, down at the lake where they are going boating. They wanted me to come, but what was calling me was the thought of an empty house for 3 hours. So I said, no, I have work to do--thanks anyway! And now I'm all alone--aahhhh!

[ApatheticNoMore]

Well it has to do with mental regulation of a sort. I guess the internet is very mentally regulating in a way and that's why it's easy enough to waste hours surfing the net, well I'm not the only one who has ever done so. But purposeful action like even talking a walk is mentally regulating as well. Just sitting around and talking makes me restless and bored often times, like I want to get up and do something. Or if just being I don't want to waste it listening to pointless group conversation (which again is so boring), I'd rather just be in a nice park lying under a nice tree. But it's quite possible a lot of people feel that way and do it anyway like brushing your teeth or going to the gym because it's good for you. So a couple hours is enough, but I get dragged into the marathon sessions sometimes (then the topic is always politics or something >8) ).

Depressed well I probably am somewhat anyway, a little dysthymic to begin with, and well everyone knows my situation, long job search (and I'm not unemployed *because* I'm depressed - anyone who thinks that is simply dumb). However it does bring one down. And no I don't like work much when I have it. I do however need an income.

[JaneV2.0]

I used to love bars because sitting for hours and talking suited me very well. Now I'm nearly feral, and exchanging pleasantries with various checkout clerks meets my face to face social needs.

[Yppej]

Long job searches are tough. A coworker was telling me today she is thinking of quitting and going back to assembly work. She says her friends still doing that make $20 to $25 per hour, plus overtime, with benefits, choice of seated or standing work. She said her MBA was a waste of money as her search for a job commensurate with her degree has gone nowhere. ANM, maybe something to consider?