View Full Version : Funeral aesthetics?
As I mentioned in another thread, a good friend's father passed away.
The showing (not really the funeral, as they are not having one) was really true to the guy's personality and values.
Ron was a blue collar guy and he was in the casket wearing the tattered old blue jeans he was always wearing. He had a regular t-shirt on. There were no flowers because he was not the fancy type. Instead, his motorcycle helmet and leather jacket were the decorations by his casket.
The photos were mostly of him and his wife, his friends, and his sons on their motorcycles. There were also pics of him with his wife, his sons, and his grandsons at picnics and parades in our hometown.
Ron's oldest son (my close friend) told me: "We wanted to be true to dad, no flowers, no fuss, nothing fancy."
This got me thinking about my parents and how their showings and such will be handled. My mom has already told me she wants me to write her obituary (while she is still alive, haha) and it must include this: "Anna was a lifelong liberal -- very liberal! -- Democrat! She enjoyed making jokes about Republicans, especially Trump, and her frequent refrain was 'Lobotomies for Republicans -- it ought to be the law!'"
My question to you is: Do the aesthetics of your showing or funeral matter to you? Do you think your next of kin will honor your wishes?
DW and I have preplanned our cremations (except for the date :~)). We chose not to go open-casket and we picked the default (i.e., cheapest) urn the cremation service would let us. Outside of the restrictions that imposes, whatever wakes/rememberance ceremonies/celebrations of life/funeral visitations the family needs for closure are up to them. We'll likely be leaving some money behind which could be used for such an event; if family wants something more expansive than that, they can pony up for the extra. That's "not us" and we don't need it. After all, we'll (individually or collectively) be dead.
iris lilies
8-4-18, 8:27pm
It doesnt matter to me what my service is or what my obituary says.
My uncle recently died, and his son, a professional writer, wrote his obituary. It was lovely to read. One of my garden club lady friends is dying, and she is also a professional writer, and she is writing her own obituary.
I have a preplanned longship burial, and if my wishes are not followed, my estate goes elsewhere.
I want to be placed in a tree. It is apparently illegal here in the US, but a way of treating dead bodies in Tibet or Nepal. I don't want anyone getting in legal trouble so if it is not legal by the time I die they can donate me to the body farm. For the service I want everyone to meditate, eat some vegetarian food, and look at my middle school pictures to have a nice laugh.
My mom wants to be cremated so she does not have to be near her mother in law, geez
Simplemind
8-4-18, 11:29pm
I wrote my dad's obit, which I had fun with and it got passed around a lot on facebook (http://obits.oregonlive.com/obituaries/oregon/obituary.aspx?pid=188454211). My son and I cremated him after we stuffed his pockets with mementos and surrounded him with is favorite foods ( a couple from restaurants where his favorite waitresses put it together and had the staff sign the boxes ) and his favorite booze. We toasted him with his favorite scotch, said our goodbyes and then my son wheeled him in. It was strangely perfect and serene. My mom had died 6 years prior and we also sent her off with all her favorite things but didn't do anything behind the scenes. I wish we had been able to do that for her as well.
If my son is willing and able, I would like the same for me and after I want him to sprinkle a bit of me in all my favorite vacation places that I will provide for.
iris lilies
8-4-18, 11:41pm
I wrote my dad's obit, which I had fun with and it got passed around a lot on facebook (http://obits.oregonlive.com/obituaries/oregon/obituary.aspx?pid=188454211). My son and I cremated him after we stuffed his pockets with mementos and surrounded him with is favorite foods ( a couple from restaurants where his favorite waitresses put it together and had the staff sign the boxes ) and his favorite booze. We toasted him with his favorite scotch, said our goodbyes and then my son wheeled him in. It was strangely perfect and serene. My mom had died 6 years prior and we also sent her off with all her favorite things but didn't do anything behind the scenes. I wish we had been able to do that for her as well.
If my son is willing and able, I would like the same for me and after I want him to sprinkle a bit of me in all my favorite vacation places that I will provide for.
great ideas, great job with your dad!
The only thing I would like done when I die is that an obituary be posted. Other than that, I would prefer nothing. I put a name of a cheap cremation company in my estate plan book and bought an "expensive" urn at a garage sale (not ...haha). I would rather those closest to me take a trip in my name, take a few of my ashes along and disperse them there... It seems wasteful to me to spend thousands of dollars on the dead. MY FIL used to say "I don't care what you do. You can freeze my a$$ and pound me into the ground as a fencepost!" My sentiments exactly. I did say to my family .. "Do what you want. I truly don't care."
Simplemind, that was the best obituary ever!
When my FIL passed away 5 years ago he and MIL encouraged all their friends and family, scattered across the country, to come visit him before he died and not come for the funeral. Every time the doorbell rang he'd pretend to be asleep in his chair and MIL would tell them "give him a little kiss on the forehead. that usually wakes him up." He'd open his eyes, look confused, then raise his arms and roar like a lion, startling them. It was totally his personality to do something like that and it was a great way to lighten the mood of the occasion.
The funeral itself was standard Catholic and he was interred at the military cemetery in St. Louis with a formal military burial ceremony.
Thank you rosarugosa, that means a lot to me. My mom got the big funeral so I figured my dad deserved a good write up. He was such a character, I think it would have made him smile.
ToomuchStuff
8-6-18, 1:38am
As a woodworker, I am tempted to build my burn box. As to my ashes, well a Kansas song comes to mind. Visitation, well leave that up to the family, if they need that for closure.
I expect to write up my own obit complete at some point, as of now, I just have "Now is your chance to be the first in line to piss on the grave of".
This old Doctor Demento tune springs to mind, but it also brings back memories of the serial killer I dealt with:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SZq9sDyb8wQ
I will be dead, funerals are for the living.
Teacher Terry
8-6-18, 12:29pm
Wow SM that made me cry. It was such a awesome obituary. My Dad would wake us up by yelling “It’s daylight in the swamp, the animals were up and I can’t remember the rest but it was funny.
I don’t need to burn a boat or any such stuff. The instructions in my “death book” are to stick with the basics. Strip me for parts, regular Catholic service and have the guys from the American Legion fire a few rounds over what’s left. Then forget about me and divide up my stuff. Keep the drama to a minimum.
Oh boy, this is a timely topic for me as I am in the middle of trying to plan a memorial from 1500 miles away for my daughter who died tragically WAY, WAY before her time and under tragic circumstances. It will be four weeks from tomorrow and I am having issues with her dad (who I have been divorced from since 1993) and other stuff going on with that side of the family. Super dysfunctional and it is really stressing me out me and it is all falling onto me anyway. I just found out this morning that the ex has issues with the venue I chose (though he didn't say anything about it at the time and wasn't able to offer any help with finding a different place due to his own mental issues). I feel like I am entering a minefield without having any idea what others expectations are about the event itself, or even if some members from that side of the family are even going to make it the memorial celebration.
It's one thing to live a full life and get old and to be able to plan what you would want and let your relatives know; quite another to have a child so abruptly gone and have to deal with first the initial crisis, and now the planning of some sort of gathering two months after the fact from far away.
Here is what is planned so far: I got my mom to rent the large room at our Senior Center in our town. It's in a beautiful heavily shaded neighborhood with tall old trees, there are banquet tables, card tables, a kitchen to use, a wall screen and projector, and a small sound system. I want to keep it very simple, just a linen table-clothed "memory" table with a beautiful bouquet of flowers and candles with pictures and memorabilia, some light snacks and drinks. I want there to be time for people to get up and speak about my daughter and what a wonderful person she was in spite of her many challenges.
Most of all I want it to be over...
Oh boy, this is a timely topic for me as I am in the middle of trying to plan a memorial from 1500 miles away for my daughter who died tragically WAY, WAY before her time and under tragic circumstances. It will be four weeks from tomorrow and I am having issues with her dad (who I have been divorced from since 1993) and other stuff going on with that side of the family. Super dysfunctional and it is really stressing me out me and it is all falling onto me anyway. I just found out this morning that the ex has issues with the venue I chose (though he didn't say anything about it at the time and wasn't able to offer any help with finding a different place due to his own mental issues). I feel like I am entering a minefield without having any idea what others expectations are about the event itself, or even if some members from that side of the family are even going to make it the memorial celebration.
It's one thing to live a full life and get old and to be able to plan what you would want and let your relatives know; quite another to have a child so abruptly gone and have to deal with first the initial crisis, and now the planning of some sort of gathering two months after the fact from far away.
Here is what is planned so far: I got my mom to rent the large room at our Senior Center in our town. It's in a beautiful heavily shaded neighborhood with tall old trees, there are banquet tables, card tables, a kitchen to use, a wall screen and projector, and a small sound system. I want to keep it very simple, just a linen table-clothed "memory" table with a beautiful bouquet of flowers and candles with pictures and memorabilia, some light snacks and drinks. I want there to be time for people to get up and speak about my daughter and what a wonderful person she was in spite of her many challenges.
Most of all I want it to be over...
As a woodworker, I am tempted to build my burn box. As to my ashes, well a Kansas song comes to mind. Visitation, well leave that up to the family, if they need that for closure.
I expect to write up my own obit complete at some point, as of now, I just have "Now is your chance to be the first in line to piss on the grave of".
This old Doctor Demento tune springs to mind, but it also brings back memories of the serial killer I dealt with:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SZq9sDyb8wQ
I will be dead, funerals are for the living.
I love this! I want it played at my "wake." hehe
Teacher Terry
8-6-18, 3:56pm
I would plan it the way you want and ignore your ex and os. You are the one doing all the work. My BF’s 19 yo daughter got a rare liver disease, had a transplant and didn’t live 24 hours. 6 years later it is still hard. We shouldn’t have to bury our kids. Sending you a big hug.
I have a preplanned longship burial, and if my wishes are not followed, my estate goes elsewhere.This would be my DH's preferred method, too.
All I ask is that someone in charge makes sure I'm actually dead before they trundle me into the crematory oven.
Since I'll be dead, I'd like for my loved ones to do what will give them comfort--emotional and financial. That being said...
..I would like a cheap burial and funeral arrangements. Cremation is fine.
I'd like for them to play songs that remind them of me, and those songs are likely to be songs like "Let it Be" by the Beatles and "Morning has Broken, " popularized by Cat Stevens, but actually my favorite church hymn.
And a quote by Thornton Wilder:
EMILY: "Does anyone ever realize life while they live it...every, every minute?"
STAGE MANAGER: "No. Saints and poets maybe...they do some.”
EMILY: "Good-by, Good-by, world. Good-by, Grover's Corners... Mama and Papa. Good-by to clocks ticking... and Mama's sunflowers. And food and coffee. And new-ironed dresses and hot baths...and sleeping and waking up. Oh, earth, you're too wonderful for anybody to realize you.”
STAGE MANAGER: “We all know that something is eternal. And it ain’t houses and it ain’t names, and it ain’t earth, and it ain’t even the stars . . . everybody knows in their bones that something is eternal, and that something has to do with human beings. All the greatest people ever lived have been telling us that for five thousand years and yet you’d be surprised how people are always losing hold of it. There’s something way down deep that’s eternal about every human being.”
― Thornton Wilder, Our Town
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3Rifby1tVE8
I'm reading One Mind, by Larry Dossey, MD. Its theme is the immortality and universality of consciousness. What Wilder, through his Stage Manager, remarked rings true with Dossey, and with me.
I might have Celine Dion's Vole played at my service, if I were to have one:
Vole, Vole petite flamme
Vole mon ange, mon âme
Quitte ta peau de misère
Va retrouver la lumière
It was written as a memorial to her young niece who died of cystic fibrosis.
I'm reading One Mind, by Larry Dossey, MD. Its theme is the immortality and universality of consciousness. What Wilder, through his Stage Manager, remarked rings true with Dossey, and with me.
If you haven't read it yet, read The Bridge of San Luis Rey. Great book by Thornton Wilder. I was in Our Town in high school right after my "rebirth" after my mother divorced my father, and the play resonated so deeply with me and since then I've seen a dozen productions, including the Broadway production when Paul Newman played the Stage Manager--and he died shortly after. Just recently, I missed the chance to see a production with Christopher Lloyd at Weston Playhouse in VT--I would have loved to have seen it, but it just wasn't the right time. But that's OK. I've seen enough.
Beautiful French lyrics by Celine Dion. Lovely piece to wish a loved one off to another sky.
Teacher Terry
8-6-18, 6:11pm
We will be cremated and put into a wall at the vEteran's cemetery. It is free for veterans and they engrave a nice plaque also. We do have to pay for the cremation somewhere ourselves but that is cheap. We will have a celebration of life with food.
I have a preplanned longship burial, and if my wishes are not followed, my estate goes elsewhere.
Do you have to go through the Navy or state to accomplish that?
Since I strongly believe a funeral should be a celebration of life I think it should reflect the person and how they lived.
Super dysfunctional and it is really stressing me out me and it is all falling onto me anyway. I just found out this morning that the ex has issues with the venue I chose (though he didn't say anything about it at the time and wasn't able to offer any help with finding a different place due to his own mental issues). I feel like I am entering a minefield without having any idea what others expectations are about the event itself, or even if some members from that side of the family are even going to make it the memorial celebration.
I cannot imagine having to plan (or even participate in planning) your own child's funeral...
That said, if XH and his family are not stating their needs in a timely fashion and coming up with contributions of their own, then it is perfectly okay to choose what works for you. You cannot possibly address everyone's expectations about this event, particularly if they leave you "in the dark" 1500 miles away, so plan something your daughter would like and call it good. Don't mind the folks who expect you to be a mindreader; this is tough enough for everyone, but especially you. And take good care of yourself...
I cannot imagine having to plan (or even participate in planning) your own child's funeral...
That said, if XH and his family are not stating their needs in a timely fashion and coming up with contributions of their own, then it is perfectly okay to choose what works for you. You cannot possibly address everyone's expectations about this event, particularly if they leave you "in the dark" 1500 miles away, so plan something your daughter would like and call it good. Don't mind the folks who expect you to be a mindreader; this is tough enough for everyone, but especially you. And take good care of yourself...
Well said.
I'm so sorry SiouzQ that you are having to carry the load of this.
There is SO much going on back in Michigan regarding my ex-family by marriage and the four kids within that family, the fact that my ex-MIL is in the middle of being diagnosed with Alzheimer's, the fact she adopted my cat when I moved and now it is causing problems with her cat and both of them are spraying in her house, the severe and shifting triangulation relationship behaviors between the kids in this family regarding everything, the fact my ex has a mental illness as well and communication with him is very difficult and getting ANYTHING decided and agreed upon is pretty damn near impossible, the fact he will say one thing one day and completely flip it around the next and never really communicate it anyway. A major factor is that he holds the $1000 check my daughter's employer gave us for her funeral expenses, so whatever I decide to do memorial-wise (because he won't) I somehow have to get him to funnel that money to me. The fact one of my best friends back home can't really help me with setting this up after all like she said she could, due to her schedule...on and on and on...
After a phone call yesterday with one of my ex-SIL's I realized again why, over the years, especially after my daughter turned eighteen, I had pretty much put more and more distance between us because she is a very toxic person. The only person I remain very close to in that family is my ex-MIL who I love dearly, even after divorcing her son 25 years ago. She and my mom helped raise my daughter and she has always been very giving and very generous to me; she has always been my second mom.
Navigating this family has always been a minefield. It did occur to me yesterday when I hung up the phone that whatever I plan to do to celebrate my daughter's life is for me and my family, for some sort of closure from this awful, tragic event. If her dad can't get on board with what I have planned (me having given him EVERY opportunity to chime in and help), then he is free to do whatever he wishes for his own needs after I am out of there. We'll see if he even answers the email I sent yesterday, or if he will talk to me if I call him in a few days. I need to decide by this weekend how many people to plan for and let my mom tell the catering company so we can get that settled.
It might be that I just request half of the $1000 for the event I am planning. Me and my parents will pay for any extra costs. He can have the other half to do whatever he wants with. I have no control over what any of them want to do or what they say about me but I have a job that I have to be back at so I can't dick around with their plans or lack there of, waiting....and waiting...
I need this to be done and over.
Aside from my ex-MIL, after this there are some members of that family I really don't see the need to stay in contact with now that my daughter is gone. I am a firm proponent of moving on.
SiouzQ, I'm so terribly sorry for your loss. I truly feel for you and how painful this must be.
Simplemind
8-10-18, 1:42pm
SiouzQ you sound like you are in a great headspace for dealing with your ex-family. Not easy in the best of circumstances. In times like these it seems like everybody should be on the same page but grief works in mysterious ways. Seems like when a family lives in dysfunction a death just magnifies what is already there. So sorry you are having to deal with this.
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