Anger

[Geila]

I wasn't sure where to post this, but this seems as good a place as any. Today we will be having an overnight guest and so I had decided to devote some time to preparations but I have felt very tired and haven't done anything at all and they will be here shortly.

I realized that part of the tiredness comes from repressed anger. I'm angry that instead of getting to spend my day doing things I enjoy, I had to scratch that to do things I don't enjoy. Yesterday I went to breakfast at my favorite cafe and did some writing, then took the dogs to a beautiful park where we had fun for a couple of hours, then I had lunch and headed to the gym for some pool and jacuzzi enjoyment. In the evening I just rested with dh and went to bed early. A good day. Today was supposed to be a similar day. Instead, I have to wash bed sheets, dust the spare room, vacuum, wipe down the bathroom and tidy up, pick up around the house and generally make things look better. It pisses me off.

But since I'm used to repressing anger, instead I feel tired and depressed. I'd rather feel the anger and act accordingly. Since it's too late to cancel the houseguest, I've been thinking about what I can do to release some of the anger so that it doesn't eat away at me. One of the things I'm thinking is to not do any house prep at all until after they arrive. It feels passive aggressive to me, which I don't like, but maybe I can see it differently. If you are rude enough to invite yourself to someone's home with less than 24 hours notice, I think you can handle seeing the work that is involved in accommodating you. And maybe, just maybe, you should be greeted by a messy house and a dusty room. Scratch that, my house is lived in, that includes the spare room. There's nothing wrong with lived in. This is not a hotel. If my aunt were younger, I might even ask her to help with the bed making and such.

We're working on a small kitchen project and have stuff spread out all over the table and I'm going to leave it there. And I'm not going to vacuum. Basically, she'll get fresh sheets and that's it. We'll offer to take her out for dinner and I have sandwich fixings in the fridge.

If anyone has any ideas how I can diffuse some of this resentment, I welcome the feedback.

[sweetana3]

Even messy, your house is probably cleaner than ours. She invited herself, she will be fine. Don't be a tour leader, housekeeper, cook, etc. Give her any options she needs and go do what you want. You can put the sheets on the bed and let her make it herself since I am sure she makes her own bed. (She can travel, she can make a bed) My mom who is 86 can do it and all the elders in her complex can do it.

Who cares if she is a house snob? Her problem. She gives any grief, you can point to the hotel and she should be the one offering to take you out to dinner. If she does not, she is even more of a rude guest.

ps: we got rid of our spare bed so we would not have house guests. Did not keep a friend from inviting herself and she got the sofa for one night only.

[catherine]

I get that. While every HGTV buyer gushes over big kitchens because they love to entertain, I'm attracted to things like the "welcome" mat I saw that said "Not You Again." I hate entertaining.

This weekend my son is coming up from NJ, and that's not technically "entertaining" because he's my son, after all, but it still requires work. But on top of that, my DD's best friend, who we have known since they were in 4th grade together, and who has come with us on every summer vacation, is coming to VT this weekend and said that she'd like to come up to our house for the weekend. So today, I started a good clean, and went to Trader Joe's and bought cheese and crackers and a new kitchen rug.

When I first heard she was coming I was motivated to get all those things done that we should have been working on all summer. Then I wisely told myself, "screw it." I'm not doing a thing, beyond what I've already done. I'll be hospitable, and welcoming, but if she winds up being one of the people who find my home "too rustic" that's not my problem. I am looking forward to seeing her, and I don't want that to be tainted by resentment.

But Geila, I know exactly how you're feeling. Passive aggressive resentment comes far too easy for me. Maybe you are the one racing to rise to YOUR expectations, not hers. I don't know you, but I feel you will be extremely gracious. You don't owe her anything else (well, maybe clean sheets is a good idea, but I'd draw the line there).

[Ultralight]

I have been told that depression is rage turned inward. Perhaps this is true.

[Teacher Terry]

You have every right to be angry. I am angry just thinking about the situation. I wouldn’t do a thing other than to make the bed. She should be buying your dinner. I would let this be the last straw and say no to anyone else who pulls this crap. I love to entertain but it involves planning which I do over time. I decide what I want to cook, when I want to clean, etc. Then it’s a experience I have chosen. That makes it fun and not stressful.

[JaneV2.0]

I get that. While every HGTV buyer gushes over big kitchens because they love to entertain, I'm attracted to things like the "welcome" mat I saw that said "Not You Again." I hate entertaining. ...

Oh, I love that! I had a mat for years that said, simply "GO AWAY," but I also kind of liked "Come Back with a Warrant."

Geila, you may be angry at yourself for being caught off guard and failing to bow out gracefully. Just do the minimum, vow to do better next time, and relax as much as possible. It will all be over in a day or so, and then you'll have your life back.

[Simplemind]

I'm with Jane, probably a little steamed at yourself for not saying no. I hate to be a houseguest even when people insist. I'm just not comfortable. By the same token I'm not all the comfortable having people stay over either. All that said I truly believe that in most things in life it never hurts to ask and it always goes over much better if you start with "I'm absolutely OK if you want to pass".

[Yppej]

I'm angry that instead of getting to spend my day doing things I enjoy, I had to scratch that to do things I don't enjoy. Yesterday I went to breakfast at my favorite cafe and did some writing, then took the dogs to a beautiful park where we had fun for a couple of hours, then I had lunch and headed to the gym for some pool and jacuzzi enjoyment. In the evening I just rested with dh and went to bed early. A good day. Today was supposed to be a similar day. Instead, I have to wash bed sheets, dust the spare room, vacuum, wipe down the bathroom and tidy up, pick up around the house and generally make things look better. It pisses me off.

Refresh my memory. Do have a job? Raise young children? Care for elderly family members? Or is every day a day that you expect to spend chilling and doing what you enjoy?

[iris lilies]

Our college dorm suite had a sign on the inside of the door “Thanks for leaving.”

[JaneV2.0]

Our college dorm suite had a sign on the inside of the door “Thanks for leaving.”

:devil:

[CathyA]

Geila.........why didn't you say no to this guest?

[iris lilies]

OP, Last year you said you and your husband agreed to have no guests for a year. How did that go, did you keep guests away? Were you able to say no to any of them?

I like the idea of putting folded sheets on the bed to let her make her own bed.

[CathyA]

Our college dorm suite had a sign on the inside of the door “Thanks for leaving.”

A friend of mine knows I don't like company and she got me a doormat that says "Okay, you read my doormat. That's enough social interaction for one day." :~)

[JaneV2.0]

A friend of mine knows I don't like company and she got me a doormat that says "Okay, you read my doormat. That's enough social interaction for one day." :~)

So many clever door mats, so little porch space!

[Teacher Terry]

Geila, so how was the visit with your aunt?

[Geila]

Thank you to those of you who mentioned I might be angry with myself about my own expectations. I think that was part of it. I made the bed with fresh sheets and left everything else the way it was. And much to my surprise, discovered that it was perfectly fine. If the lack of preparation or look of the house bothered her she didn't let on, and I didn't really care anyway. Boy, have I wasted a lot of energy and time on this crap in the past.

We got Chinese takeout for dinner and visited last night and a bit this morning and then she left to spend a few days in San Francisco with her friends. I had lunch plans with a friend today and kept them even though I felt worn out. I think I've gotten to be more introverted with age. Several times during the visit I found myself feeling tired and uninterested. My lunch companion today was a very chatty person and I had to let her know that I was tired and did not have the energy to hear the long-winded stories she usually shares. I missed the plans I'd made for myself yesterday (gardening and pool) and this afternoon I realized that I would much rather be doing my own thing than hanging out with people (and then spending additional time recovering).

Iris - our year ban on visitors went pretty well. Last year dh's oldest brother and his wife asked to stay here for one night and I knew how embarrassed he would be to say no so I agreed to an exception with the caveat that he had to take care of everything himself. He left work early to be home at 11 am when they said they would be here (they were already in town). He waited and waited and they finally showed up 7 hours late without so much as a phone call because they had decided to go visit someone else instead. I greeted them and then retreated to my room with a book. The next morning dh got up at 5 am to drive them to the airport on Thanksgiving day. They made a bit of a mess in the kitchen that evening and dh and I spent the next morning cleaning up and then we both went back to bed. I felt bad for dh that they treated him so rudely so I didn't say a word about their behavior. Recently, one of dh's nieces got married and we agreed to lift the ban and invite the new couple to visit (we haven't invited them yet). So my aunt's visit is the first one we've had this year. And now I will have a whole new approach to the visits.

[Geila]

ETA: But I also do want to validate my appropriate anger at my aunt's lack of consideration. Thank you, Teacher Terry! I'm pretty sure that this type of situation will happen again, so want to become better at recognizing when boundaries are being crossed and people are behaving rudely. I need to stand up for myself.

[Teacher Terry]

Yes you definitely do need to stand up for yourself. Thankfully I have no friends or family that are rude in this way. I think now you will be prepared because sometimes when we are taken by surprise we agree to things we don’t want to do.

[JaneV2.0]

Some people seem oblivious to boundaries; I bet your aunt would be happy to give you whatever notice you require--as long as you spell it out.

[Gardnr]

I'm curious: how much notice did you have that she wanted to spend the night? Did you know it was a brief visit, a meal and then off to bed?

I ask because I've had drop-ins, you know call yesterday for "is the guest room available for tomorrow night?" And this is how I handle it.

I'm not a big entertainer and seldom have overnight guests (less than 10d/yr). I don't clean up extra beyond our normal lifestyle. I can put a simple meal on the table and clean sheets on the bed. I don't mind an overnight guest for 1 night even with just a day's notice if we have no plans. If we have plans, I'll let them know that and give them the key code to let themselves in and fend for a meal and "we will be home around X and I'll get clean sheets on the bed before we leave. Make yourself at home".

food for thought to reframe your energy for your health ;)

[iris lilies]

We recently crashed at my brother’s house during a flash flood. We had our dog with us, and fortunately had brought her crate. I think they were ok with it, they seemed happy enough to put us up.

[nswef]

Somehow a flood is not quite the same as a "Here I am, put me up." when it was a planned trip.

[iris lilies]

Somehow a flood is not quite the same as a "Here I am, put me up." when it was a planned trip.
Oh I know. And I support anyone saying no to guests who invite themselves.

[rosarugosa]

Well call me the Queen of Hospitality, because we have a one-bedroom, one-bed house, and therefore no overnight guests ever. This has worked very well for us over the years. We never stay at anyone else's house either. That's what the hospitality industry is for.

[Rachel]

Rogarusa, I completely understand. I find as I get older that it's gotten easier for me to put my own needs first. I'm less of a people pleaser. I like it that way.

[razz]

Rogarusa, I completely understand. I find as I get older that it's gotten easier for me to put my own needs first. I'm less of a people pleaser. I like it that way.

Threads like this and others have made me aware that I tried so hard to have everything perfect for everyone driving myself and everyone else nuts. I am now stating my needs clearly. They are very simple really. I live simply with basic necessities and optional luxuries that may be curtailed at times as needed. I love my loved ones dearly but I won't go along to get along if I am uncomfortable, not anymore.

I am more comfortable in my own skin, have increased self-esteem, am calmer, feel freer and less defensive.

[Teacher Terry]

I seem to be in the minority because I love guests with advance notice.

[lhamo]

I think if someone invites themselves to stay with you on short notice it is absolutely fine to say no or, if you are willing to accommodate them, be very explicit about the limitations of your hospitality. Something like:

Would love to see you but I won't be available to let you in until after 6pm. If you need to get in before that I'll leave the key in [secret spot near door].

The sheets on the guest bed have not been slept in, but they have been on the bed for awhile. If you want fresh ones Ill give you some from the linen closet before bed time.

We have [pets] and they have been in that room, so if you are sensitive to pet fur let me know and Ill get the vacuum out for you.

I was planning [x] for dinner. We eat at 7. You are welcome to join us but we won't wait. I have y and z available for breakfast.

I need to leave by 10:30 tomorrow morning for an appointment. If you need to stay longer than that, you can return the key to [secret spot] when you leave. Please strip the sheets off the bed and throw in the laundry basket, and wash up any dishes you use for breakfast if you eat after we do.

If you are delayed for some reason please text me. I typically go to bed at 10:30pm, so please be sure to get here before then.

[Gardnr]

I think if someone invites themselves to stay with you on short notice it is absolutely fine to say no or, if you are willing to accommodate them, be very explicit about the limitations of your hospitality. Something like:

Would love to see you but I won't be available to let you in until after 6pm. If you need to get in before that I'll leave the key in [secret spot near door].

The sheets on the guest bed have not been slept in, but they have been on the bed for awhile. If you want fresh ones Ill give you some from the linen closet before bed time.

We have [pets] and they have been in that room, so if you are sensitive to pet fur let me know and Ill get the vacuum out for you.

I was planning [x] for dinner. We eat at 7. You are welcome to join us but we won't wait. I have y and z available for breakfast.

I need to leave by 10:30 tomorrow morning for an appointment. If you need to stay longer than that, you can return the key to [secret spot] when you leave. Please strip the sheets off the bed and throw in the laundry basket, and wash up any dishes you use for breakfast if you eat after we do.

If you are delayed for some reason please text me. I typically go to bed at 10:30pm, so please be sure to get here before then.

My post has vanished? I am with you Lhamo......I don't change plans but I'll provide a BnB .

[Teacher Terry]

I found the list of conditions funny. I wouldn’t do that with my guests but then everyone that stays with us have been invited. Luckily we have no rude relatives or friends.

[lhamo]

I am FIREd and have a pretty low-stress life so I would probably not put so many conditions on a visit, either -- I just meant it as a suggested minimalist/boundary setting approach for those who find such things very stressful, especially when they are juggling work, kids and other types of commitments.

If you want to be a hotel, that's fine -- I'm sure people will appreciate your hospitality. But I really dont understand bending over backwards to accommodate people when it makes you unhappy. They want a place to stay? Fine, you have a free bed. But I don't see why that has to entail a full-out sacrifice of all your personal plans/needs, especially on short notice.

[Williamsmith]

My family tradition provides for much bending over backwards for relatives and friends including being a gracious host in all the usual aspects of food, drink and bedding. But house guests don’t touch the thermostat or the television zapper or I breaka you fingers!

[Tybee]

That's so funny, Williamsmith. My family tradition would require not watching the television if guests were there unless they selected the show!
I would consult on the temp but that would be a hard one to give up. . .

[Teacher Terry]

When we were raising the kids we would invite my in laws to visit and gave them our bedroom and slept in kids bed and kids slept on floor in sleeping bags. Even though those were busy years I always enjoyed hosting them. I would invite my family for dinner too and we all got to visit. Such fun. They lived across the country and would stay about 4 days which was perfect. We never watch TV either when we have company. My son is coming for 3 weeks Wednesday so am making all his favorite meals. He then is moving to Vietnam to teach English.