View Full Version : The Journey From Abandonment To Healing
My best friend and partner of > 40 years up and left me 6 weeks ago today. She hopped in her car, and moved across the country to take up a new relationship and a new life in a new place. Ten minutes before we were about to have a large family dinner party - the guests were already on their way.
Our couples' therapist shortly thereafter recommended to me this book:
"The Journey from Abandonment to Healing", Susan Anderson
I have found it quite helpful, though it is a bit new-age in places and some of the material doesn't seem science-based. The parts that are, however, seem in line with the other research and thinking I have been doing.
Anyways, y'all may find it of some help.
I am sorry to hear that. I hope your daughter also has some therapy or other support.
I am sorry to hear that. I hope your daughter also has some therapy or other support.
Alas, my daughter is 21, just graduated from college a few months ago, and will be heading off to her Ph.D. program in the UK in about a month. She's a super-genius and knows everything :-) And so doesn't quite believe in therapy/support/that sort of thing, and is violently reactive to suggestions that it might be wise to chat with someone. Especially after watching her mother struggle with therapy all these years. A gentler social approach is probably best to provide her support.
Luckily she and I have had much of the summer together here, and have been doing "reasonably well". I suspect it will hit her harder later.
Teacher Terry
9-1-18, 12:48pm
When someone leaves a relationship they have been thinking about it for a very long time and suffering. Then when they leave the person being left is shocked and also suffers. It sounds like your wife had someone in the wings which is how some people get the courage to leave. This is not the healthiest way to go about it. I am glad the book is helping. Divorce is very painful but you just need time to heal.
I think of you often Bae and wish you the best. My husband and I have been friends since 1980. It’s a long time and I can’t imagine the adjustment you’re going through.
Oh my, bae! That's a real shocker. I'm so sorry to hear this. Hopefully you'll find your way through. I hope you can find peace and ways of filling the voids of your wife leaving, and your daughter living far away. Best of luck on your journey through a very difficult time.
bae:
Are you lawyering up too? I know it is not a pleasant thought amidst emotional pain, but it might be worth it.
I know you had mentioned some emotional issues but 10 minutes before a family dinner party?? She isn't just leaving you, she is leaving everything. I'm sure the whole family is in shock.
I know you had mentioned some emotional issues but 10 minutes before a family dinner party?? She isn't just leaving you, she is leaving everything. I'm sure the whole family is in shock.
Yup. She up and left family, friends, all her activities and organizations she works with here, the whole nine yards.
Apparently everything here at every level was contributing to her depression, this is a bright shiny clean new start.
Yup. She up and left family, friends, all her activities and organizations she works with here, the whole nine yards.
Apparently everything here at every level was contributing to her depression, this is a bright shiny clean new start.
How much contact have you had with her since she left?
Unfortunately we carry ourselves wherever we go. She has made a break but lost her past. It might find her again.
Unfortunately we carry ourselves wherever we go. She has made a break but lost her past. It might find her again.
True dat.
The geographic cure usually doesn't work.
Bae, i am so sorry. I am glad the book is a bit of help. I just cannot imagine!
Teacher Terry
9-1-18, 7:44pm
She may have been thinking about leaving for years and finally took action. However, the way she did it was crappy. When I left my ex I got a job across the country and left everything I knew. I had been thinking about it for a long time. My kids were finally gone and it was my chance to start a new life. It has been wonderful and after 21 years so happy I made a bold move.
She may have been thinking about leaving for years and finally took action.
This could be true. People do this. My ex-wife did this.
She advocated we move to Columbus, OH where my sister lives. My sister offered us to stay in their very large condo for up to 18 months. My ex-wife and I made the move. Part of the idea was that Columbus would have better job opps for my ex. We also had mutual friends here.
Well, turns out one week after the move to Columbus she up and left. She had a friend in Columbus who let her move in rent free. So she took one of our dogs and went. Everything else ended quickly after that and the legal divorce was finally less than five months later.
bae, I hope you can power through this. I hope that there are some surprising silver linings that you would not expect. Sometimes we find these silver linings shortly after the split, or sometimes much later.
I had a few. I was unencumbered to do some things on my bucket list -- take trips, have flings, and do some serious fishing.
Maybe there are things you can do when the dust settles a little bit.
dado potato
9-1-18, 7:51pm
Chiming in to wish you well, bae.
Another book that might be of value to the spouse/partner/ex of somebody dealing with depression is Anne Sheffield's Depression Fallout.
Chiming in to wish you well, bae.
Another book that might be of value to the spouse/ex of somebody dealing with depression is Anne Sheffield's Depression Fallout.
Thanks for that - I've been working with that book for several years now, as her depression has been spiraling out of control the past 2-3 years, and found it quite useful. The combination of both of her parents dying within ~2 years, menopause, our child doing the "empty nest" thing, and a new therapist who changed her anti-depressant medications considerably really sent her for a loop.
I hope she finds peace.
Thanks for that - I've been working with that book for several years now, as her depression has been spiraling out of control the past 2-3 years, and found it quite useful. The combination of both of her parents dying within ~2 years, menopause, our child doing the "empty nest" thing, and a new therapist who changed her anti-depressant medications considerably really sent her for a loop.
I hope she finds peace.
yes, I hope so too. I hope that when you both come out on the other side, you can be friends again--that is a frequent outcome with friendships of such longstanding.
I know you will find peace, and much happiness, on the other side of this.
Teacher Terry
9-2-18, 12:54pm
My ex and I are friends. We attend everything for our kids together and when him and his wife are in town I make his favorite dinner and he does the same for us. It has been really good for our kids even though they were adults when we divorced.
That's really nice, Teacher Terry.
early morning
9-3-18, 12:34am
Bae, I'm sorry your family is going through this. I have no words of wisdom - I'm not great at relationships- but I hope for the very best for all three of you...
Teacher Terry
9-3-18, 1:48am
We all ended up better off. My ex did not want the divorce but now has a wife that he is compatible with as do I. My kids see that we are both happier.
flowerseverywhere
9-3-18, 7:36am
I have several friends that were widowed or divorced in their fifties. The transition from planning your life journey with a partner to being on your own was clear for some and rocky for others. I’m glad you have sought counseling.
On your daughter the genius who knows everything, I loved that statement. Perhaps it was what you were like? We sure thought so at her age and it turned out OK for us.
You had had been thinking of a Scandinavian move at some point so after some adjustment time you can really ponder your future plans. Although your life where you live sounds wonderful.
I have no words of wisdom - just want to add my support.
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