dealing with not simple emotions [Archive]

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pinkytoe

9-20-18, 11:20pm

Venturing into uncharted emotional territory now that I am a new grandparent of twins. Feeling regretful about moving so far away from family, wondering if we will ever move back and if we don't how we will miss out on all the special moments. Trying not to feel envy that the other set of grandparents are well-to-do and have a second home a few miles away from the babies and are now the official babysitters while parents work. Other grandma always posting their pics on FB doesn't help the matter. So many mixed up feelings about how things have played out after our long-dreamed of retirement move. Yes, we are slowly making a life here but it seems irrelevant when I think of what we left behind:(

Teacher Terry

9-21-18, 12:12am

PT; if you want to be a part of this why not buy something cheaper like a condo to make it happen. Move somewhere cheaper but close. Not how I want to spend my retirement but if you do make changes .

Teacher Terry

9-21-18, 12:14am

I wouldn’t want to be the official babysitter but if you do go for it!

SteveinMN

9-21-18, 8:25am

pinkytoe, if it makes you feel better...

DW and I are the "official babysitter" grandparents for our grandchildren (with some help from SiL's mother). Honestly, the babysitting is a little exhausting -- you're juggling the emotional and physical needs of two totally dependent lives (plus your own needs; you still need to eat/go to the bathroom/maybe don't feel so great yourself/your ears hurt from the crying). The grandkids have lots more energy than we have at our age; maybe not an issue now as newborns, but they'll be moving around on their own soon enough. The grandkids also have lots of colds and sniffles and digestive issues -- and they're quite ready to "share" those with everyone. I don't think I've had as many colds in my life as I've had the past three years since our first grandchild was born. :0! Last Monday one of the toddlers could not keep food down and that meant cleaning up her, her clothes, her crib, and her favorite stuffed toy -- twice -- not a high point of being "grandpa".

In your case, if the closer grandparents are babysitting while the kids are working, that means they're babysitting most of the time -- 40-50 hours a week. It's a job (even if you/they love it) and that schedule likely restricts them from what they may have envisioned doing in grandparenthood/retirement (or even taking some down time for themselves).

We love our grandkids and are happy that we are in their lives to the extent we are. But it is a commitment. And we hold no illusions that, once the kids reach pre-school/kindergarten age, our role will be significantly reduced.

I would recommend visiting whenever you can and employing technologies like FaceTime/Skype, picture-sharing apps, and phone calls. Yes, it's early now, but even at 1 our older grandchild learned how to use a smartphone/tablet to start certain apps. It's very natural for them. These will help bridge the distance between visits.

When you made your decision to move, you probably knew grandchildren could be in the cards. It still was worth moving, though. Don't forget those original reasons and don't over-romanticize caring for very young children as one hits retirement age (or close). There's a reason people have kids when they're young. :)

iris lilies

9-21-18, 9:07am

So, you move back toward your daughter. You are also closer to your mother in law. Will more expectations for her care be placed on you?

When you move to be with family, your family may move. What happens when/if your daughter or son in law get a great job in another state?

Even if you moved closer to your daughter, there still would be lots of driving since, according to you, you cant afford to be close in Austin(where I think she is?)

Probably a move back to Texas would not be a big financial loss because you are in a hot real estate market and you can sell it easily, so that is a positive point.

catherine

9-21-18, 9:38am

I can understand how you feel, pinkytoe.. Steve, I don't think she's asking to be a full-time babysitter--I think she's recognizing that the in-law grandparents will have a much greater role in their lives than she will. I get it. My NJ grandchildren go to my DIL's mother's house every weekend. We saw them once this summer, when they came up for two days. It's normal to desire a bond with your grandchildren and when you live far away, that's a real challenge.

Maybe, as the grandchildren get older, you can host them during the summers. I have often talked about my great-aunt, with whom I spent my summers. I didn't see her much at all during the year, but those few weeks in the summer created an incredible bond with her. You know that old saying about time: "it's not about quantity.. it's about quality."

I don't blame you for missing your family at all. Maybe structure your budget such that you can get back down south at least once or twice a year for at least a few days.

Anyway, just want to let you know that I hear ya.

Zoe Girl

9-21-18, 9:49am

I would recommend not thinking about this as practically, more on an emotional level. You cannot find a perfect practical solution anyway. The parent thing seems to last forever, taking care of self vs taking care of others, finding that balance has ebbs and flows so it will change as well.

You mentioned some emotions that we often try to fix or run away from, like jealousy. I would say just sit with the jealousy. It will come up again. My mom doesn't want to admit that she has it towards other grandparents who are quite wealthy and so had unlimited time while she was still working. Meanwhile she ran a non-profit senior daycare, that is very important work. Thinking will take care of part of this, making some peace, and then just note that these emotions will come and go, fighting them or being embarrassed to have them makes them stronger.

I feel for you, something about grandchildren can be such a blessing and still tear at your heart a little.

Tammy

9-21-18, 9:56am

I understand the emotions – I moved away from my three-year-old grandson when there was a job opportunity that I just couldn’t turn down. For about three years I only saw him three or four times a year for a week. Then our son got a job near us and they moved here so now we’re close again.

It is true that sometimes job/career can move people often. The same family, with the grandson now almost 12 years old and a second one aged 4, is considering a move to the Netherlands for my sons work. If this happens I’ll miss them, but I’m encouraging them to do it. How can a person turn down that sort of learning opportunity for the kids?

So I’m rambling but I just want to say that I understand, your feelings are normal, but you will get through this. I was sad for about 3-6 months initially, and then I adjusted and we had really fun weeks together every 4-5 months.

pinkytoe

9-21-18, 9:57am

Tenngal

9-21-18, 10:47am

maybe you can go visit about once quarterly to give everyone a break? :) :) :)

dmc

9-21-18, 10:51am

The wife talked the kids into moving here. It is definatly a job for her, I told them up front not to count on me to babysit, I’ll do it accationally, just don’t plan on it. We have a 5 year old grandson who is in kinderguarden, so he is taken care of. The granddaughter just turned 3, my wife watches her on MWF, the other days she goes to pre school.

We also told them they have to have a backup as we take a lot of trips that may mean we won’t be there all the time. Of coarse it’s not a problem, but the day care places charge. Grandma is free day care, free food, free transportation, and also buys a bunch of stuff if they want it.

We are both happy that we get to see them a lot. We have another grandson in Chicago, we visit and take him on vacations a few times a year. That also is fine.

Tybee

9-21-18, 1:01pm

Pinkytoe, we are grappling with a similar situation, do we move to Maine to be closer to 2 of the 3 grandchildren. Last week my dil's parents thought they gotten a house out there and I really felt shook and kind of jealous and upset. Turns out they were outbid in a best and highest offer situation-- 4 offers on the house in the first 15 minutes. That is the kind of market it is.

It would have been good for my kids to have them there. But it still made me feel hurt and jealous. My other grandson is already completely consumed by his other grandparents--every holiday, every weekend, babysitting, etc.

I don't know, I had twins myself and they will need a lot of help and support. If I were you, I would be selling and moving back. But it is so an individual decision, and so complicated! I'll let you know what we end up doing.

Teacher Terry

9-21-18, 1:10pm

I have moved a lot and the older you get the harder it is to make friends unless you move into a 55 community. PT, I guess you guys will have to look at your reasons for moving and what has changed besides the grand kids. I would travel there a few times a year if I liked Colorado and move back if I didn’t. My parents were very much involved grandparent with my kids but I have zero interest in doing the same when and if I get any.

iris lilies

9-21-18, 2:22pm

Tybee

9-21-18, 2:28pm

...aaaaaaaand will come back to CO thinking “ praise the Lord I dont have to deal with that chaos and mess.”

oh, wait— those are the thoughts of Iris Lily who is NOT The Baby Whisperer.

Or your experience may be very differently. I remember going to visit my granddaughter when she was around three and her dad told her I was leaving the next day. She burst into tears and started crying, "Grandmother, don't go." Then, after I had gone, she told her mother she didn't want anyone to come visit anymore because it hurt so much when they left.

So get ready, lots of things may change your thinking.

iris lilies

9-21-18, 3:42pm

Or your experience may be very differently. I remember going to visit my granddaughter when she was around three and her dad told her I was leaving the next day. She burst into tears and started crying, "Grandmother, don't go." Then, after I had gone, she told her mother she didn't want anyone to come visit anymore because it hurt so much when they left.

So get ready, lots of things may change your thinking.

Three year olds are a lot more fun than babies. :)

SteveinMN

9-21-18, 5:02pm

To clarify, we have no desire to be babysitters and are kind of shocked that the other grandparents are so willing. If and when we ever move back, it would be to a more affordable small town nearby. Being available 24-7 is not in the plan. As with all decisions, we will give it time and enjoy where we are for now. Going for a visit in a week...and will re-acquaint myself with dirty diapers and spit-up:)
Sounds like a plan.

My post was an insufficiently-caffeinated attempt :|( to provide another line of thinking for the situation. I did not at all read into your post that you wanted to move back to full-time babysitting -- and, honestly, I'm surprised, too, that the closer grandparents volunteered to do that. Just pointing out some of the elements of watching two babies and that there is a lining among the clouds. I'm guessing the will will make a way and that you and DH will find ways to engage with the grandkids as they get older, whether it's moving closer or picking them up for (stay)cation trips or whatever.

pinkytoe

9-21-18, 8:58pm

I figure that by the time they are 3-5 all sorts of things may change. That is my favorite age - not much for babies anyway. The ironic thing is that DD is following the same trajectory I did as her spouse is totally tied to his parents and their wishes. They have even built them a little cabin on their ranch already and every single holiday has been spent together at one of their houses. I always resented my in-laws cloying ways so it will be interesting to see how DD adapts to the same dynamic over time. I can only watch from afar and go about my business here.