Whew, did the hard thing

[Zoe Girl]

I got a text from my former employee (the one with the DUI and all) and she was applying for a job with my new district. I said I could give her a reference based on her improvement she made before I left but I would be honest about her attendance. Apparently she was also applying at our old district and interviewed with my old boss. He told her that the past was water under the bridge and she had a chance. Then they said no, of course upsetting.

Before I had done the reference she texted me blaming me and what I put in her file, said that she was not every going to work again. So I told the person who interviewed her that I couldn't do the reference after all. She seems to be unstable again, my other long term staff called me because she had to hang up the phone basically when she started to make no sense. It was a horribly hard experience. I was pulled to over-empathizing because I had such a bad 6 months, missed paperwork, starting to lose my temper, and even big mistakes. I really think a little understanding in fall would have made a difference. So I always want to give people a chance, but I am not like her. I had 7 previous years of really good work. (on a side note I heard that many people are bugging the new PS and saying that I was much more organized, got things done, etc. Kinda hope my old boss is listening and putting in perspective the late email I sent compared to running childcare and 25 clubs).

I think what is sticking with me is that I always want to help. It is not as strong as wanting to fix people, but I really want to help. With a couple skills and background I have I think I could be a really good personal coach. Right now is all about taking time and recovery however. Teaching some crochet on the side but not anything more. My brain still needs rest.

[iris lilies]

Thank you for not participating in an effort to pass this employee onto a new workplace that will suffer her poor performance.

[Teacher Terry]

You did the right thing. I once gave a classmate a reference to help her get a fresh start when I shouldn’t have. It did not go well. Learned my lesson.

[Tybee]

I think it is an excellent idea to not give one a recommendation if you would not rehire them yourself. Otherwise, you are not acting honestly, and you will feel bad.

[catherine]

In my experience in the corporate world, it's actually against HR policy to tell prospective employers any more than the fact that that person worked there and specific dates of employment. That would let you off the hook, but I don't know if that policy holds in the public sector.

[Teacher Terry]

It does now. In the past references were totally different. The one I talked about I gave 30 years ago.

[iris lilies]

In my experience in the corporate world, it's actually against HR policy to tell prospective employers any more than the fact that that person worked there and specific dates of employment. That would let you off the hook, but I don't know if that policy holds in the public sector.

In my public sector job one did not mention the name of our employer, i.e. no letterhead and etc, but one could give a “personal reference”. I never really understood this well, so for the few references
I gave, I was vague about details. Only our HR dept was authorized to give specific dates of employment. One time a landlord called me to check on one of my employees for renting. I sent him straight to HR even though
I was sorely tempted to tell him “her job is in jeopardy because I am seriously considering firing her.”

[ApatheticNoMore]

In my experience in the corporate world, it's actually against HR policy to tell prospective employers any more than the fact that that person worked there and specific dates of employment. That would let you off the hook, but I don't know if that policy holds in the public sector.

this is an entirely different thing than being a reference. But as I understand it that employee has bad things in their file for a school district and that's the problem. They might also want additional help in getting a job with another district (an inside recommendation).

As for the district with bad things in their file it would be like trying to get rehired at a company where things didn't go well, even if years have passed, they probably have stuff in their files (well maybe very little actually, if fired without warning but at least the firing, but if not fired and merely having disciplinary action then all of those).

[Zoe Girl]

Wow, this is worse than I imagined. I got a call from the director of all our programs who said that L was calling and calling. They got a reference that was pretty negative so that meant only 2 of the required 3. Then L started telling them it was my fault, and threatened to go to HR for defamation of character. The director was very glad they didn't hire her. She called me to warn me if L tried to call me.

So I am learning a lot, probably that I should have been more honest and direct with her a long time ago. It was really hard however, she was doing better under me but I think I took too much crap. So some of me not believing that I was worth more than having crap for staff. Or having support from supervisors. I recall that HR kept her when she went to jail, and when I talked to supervisors about setting some goals with her but also thinking she couldn't make it, and asked what they could offer for coverage support. Big silence at the table.

And I know my file is horrible, I won't try to go back. Just move forward and always have a few people that can be a reference for you.

[sweetana3]

Zoe, I suspect this woman was a train wreck that would have happened no matter what you could have done. You probably gave her more support and leeway than others. I have also met people who "know" that all their problems are someone else's fault.

[catherine]

So I am learning a lot, probably that I should have been more honest and direct with her a long time ago. It was really hard however, she was doing better under me but I think I took too much crap. So some of me not believing that I was worth more than having crap for staff.

One of the main reasons I went freelance was because I (IMHO) am a terrible manager. Not that I'm mean--it's the opposite. I find it hard to realistically assess what a person is giving (or not giving) to the company. You talk about being an empath a lot, ZG, and I think that was my problem. I would stick up for staff no matter what, even if they really should have been corrected. I don't know if my ACOA (Adult Child of Alcoholic) experience was also at play--I find it very hard to trust my own gut when it comes to other people, which sometimes puts me at a disadvantage when it comes to healthy relationships--work or otherwise.

I echo what others have said. Thank God you didn't get involved in that recommendation. Yes, just move forward.

[dado potato]

ZG,

When co-workers from your former workplace get in contact with you, it is good to know what they need... maybe an employment reference, etc.

Tactfully refusing their requests may be beneficial to you: making a "clean break" with a problematic past period in your life, avoiding avoidable worries, simplifying, reducing the number of people who are dependent on you in any way, etc.


On the other hand, agreeing to their requests may offer different benefits: favors -- will they be able to scratch your back someday in return? Altruism?


Consider your needs. What do you think?

[Zoe Girl]

Dado, i would love to work with a few people from my old workplace, i have offered them recommendations regardless of what they want to do or where they want to go. One would have to take a step up and i am not sure she would want to change districts.

At the funeral it appears that no one knew why i left, i was just gone when school started. So at least there are not stories about me in a bad way about the breakdown. However i realized that a lot of people are just not nice people.