Major identity changes?

[Ultralight]

I am curious about your experiences with major identity changes.

What I mean are things like:

-Going from spouse to single when so much of your identity was wrapped up in your marriage

-Perhaps something related to a hobby, like you felt like you were floating through life until you took up quilting or base jumping or Kung Fu and then your identity became centered on doing Kung Fu whilst quilting during free fall on your base jumps. Or what-have-you.

-Maybe a religious or political conversion or de-conversion?

Very curious. Appreciate any thoughts, ideas, stories.

Thanks!

[Chicken lady]

The biggest one for me was becoming a mom.

it was something I knew I wanted, and when it happened I was all in. Suddenly, for the first time, there was a person who was before me in all things always. There have been times I have done things for my kids that I did not believe I was capable of. Nothing else in my life has come close to that. My children are grown, and it is still the core of who I am.

i am a wife, I am a teacher, I am a potter, I have a farm (I am not a farmer) but above all, I am a mom. If my kids need me, and it is possible, I will be there (possible includes inconveniences like driving all night or quitting my job.)

[Ultralight]

The biggest one for me was becoming a mom.

it was something I knew I wanted, and when it happened I was all in. Suddenly, for the first time, there was a person who was before me in all things always. There have been times I have done things for my kids that I did not believe I was capable of. Nothing else in my life has come close to that. My children are grown, and it is still the core of who I am.

i am a wife, I am a teacher, I am a potter, I have a farm (I am not a farmer) but above all, I am a mom. If my kids need me, and it is possible, I will be there (possible includes inconveniences like driving all night or quitting my job.)

Certainly a powerful and impacting experience.

[Alan]

Suddenly, for the first time, there was a person who was before me in all things always.
I couldn't agree more. For me, becoming a father and then eventually a grandfather has been the single most defining thing in my life. Prior to that, it was becoming a husband which I thought at the time could never be topped as a life purpose and defining identity, but oh my, becoming the major influence and protector for an entire lineage is such a humbling yet exhilarating experience it can't help but change you forever.

[pinkytoe]

Becoming a mom was a big one for me especially because it came as a surprise and the experience changed all my perspectives about what matters. Now, it is fascinating to see DD and her husband as they morph into committed parents to twins, ie grownups. Their lives prior revolved around work and nonstop fun - parties, festivals, travel. We could not imagine them as parents due to their lifestyle.

[happystuff]

First, becoming a parent - as so eloquently stated above, and, second, being a Buddhist.

[catherine]

Before UL had any posts on this thread, I was thinking about it and came to the same conclusion as Chicken Lady and the others: I do believe my family defines me. My job doesn't define me because the only reason I got into market research was so I could provide for my children. My hobbies didn't define me because I lost interest in them when I became a mother--except for using skills to make Halloween costumes or take the kids to art galleries.

Yet, at the same time, I don't expect them to reflect me and my needs. It's an interesting thing, being a parent.

The only other "conversion" experience I've ever had was going from being a pretty passive person to being someone whose lightbulb experience was one of recognizing my own agency in my life and my future. I am still pretty laissez-faire, to be sure, but I'm far less candle in the wind than I used to be.

[Teacher Terry]

Being a mom to 3 boys whom I love dearly. The next biggest was going to get my college degrees and then being able to work in my field at a job I love. Since retiring teaching my college class is really important to me. Next are my close relationships with my friends. No grandchild for me on the horizon.

[Simplemind]

I would have to agree that it was becoming a parent. First because I said I never would and at 39 had a inexplicable change of heart and second because it set off a huge sequence of negative events. I always say it was the best of times, it was the worst of times. We weathered the storm and after the first four years it settled into best of times.
Retirement was also a big one for me. My identity was very tied into the PD for better and for worse. It was a challenge breaking from that and at the same time a huge relief from the negativity that came with it. It opened up so many areas of positivity and I've worked very hard to be a glass half full person since.

[Ultralight]

As someone who is currently child-free by choice and who hopes to remain child-free I must say the parenthood answer is truly interesting, but also not surprising.

It seems like becoming a parent is pretty easy.

It also seems like the most accessible way for the vast majority of people
to create and manufacture meaning in their lives.

And we humans seem to crave meaning like we do water when thirsty or
food when hungry.

After all, few of us will climb El Cap or hit a home run in the World Series
or write a popular song or find a vaccine for some terrible disease.

But most of us can find another person to have a kid with.

And while climbing El Cap or finding a vaccine requires incredible skills and intelligence, making a baby does not.

Now, I think raising a kid is an incredible amount of work.

[ApatheticNoMore]

I don't have kids and have nothing so life changing to relate. Evolution? Yes some. Revolution or revelation? Hasn't happened.

[bae]

I am curious about your experiences with major identity changes.


Some major transitions:

1) Well, since I was 14, I was part of a couple. I became an adult in the company of the woman who was to become my wife, we got married, we had a child, we raised a child, we went through the deaths of parents. I spent 40+ years with this person really being the other half of my identity, and never was an adult entirely as an individual on my own. So, when she abandoned the family three months ago, it provoked some major changes in my outlook, and it still doing so.

2) When we had our child, as others had noted, becoming an actual parent (not just a sperm donor) was a huge change. I quit my job, moved, started a school, and spent a huge amount of my time raising this exceptional person. So that was a big life change. I'd like to be trite and say that when she went off to college, or later to grad school, there was a transition again, but not-so-much - we still correspond daily, I consult with her on some of her academic enterprises, and we have a great intellectual and emotional relationship.

3) Some years back, in my mid-life crisis, I was feeling slow, lazy, unaccomplished, and like I could do more. I lost a lot of weight, improved my physical condition tremendously, and managed to stumble through the state fire academy at the age of ~50. And from there proceeded to dig deeper into emergency medicine, technical rescue, marine rescue, search, and so on. This was a major transition from my more intellectual desk-mode public service, and it has proven hugely rewarding.

[Ultralight]

Some major transitions:

1) Well, since I was 14, I was part of a couple. I became an adult in the company of the woman who was to become my wife, we got married, we had a child, we raised a child, we went through the deaths of parents. I spent 40+ years with this person really being the other half of my identity, and never was an adult entirely as an individual on my own. So, when she abandoned the family three months ago, it provoked some major changes in my outlook, and it still doing so.

2) When we had our child, as others had noted, becoming an actual parent (not just a sperm donor) was a huge change. I quit my job, moved, started a school, and spent a huge amount of my time raising this exceptional person. So that was a big life change. I'd like to be trite and say that when she went off to college, or later to grad school, there was a transition again, but not-so-much - we still correspond daily, I consult with her on some of her academic enterprises, and we have a great intellectual and emotional relationship.

3) Some years back, in my mid-life crisis, I was feeling slow, lazy, unaccomplished, and like I could do more. I lost a lot of weight, improved my physical condition tremendously, and managed to stumble through the state fire academy at the age of ~50. And from there proceeded to dig deeper into emergency medicine, technical rescue, marine rescue, search, and so on. This was a major transition from my more intellectual desk-mode public service, and it has proven hugely rewarding.

Wow. Just wow. That is a lot.

[Ultralight]

At several points in my life I went through some major identity changes.

I think the first for me was when I was 14.

I started taking Tae Kwon Do classes. At first I hated it. Then I liked it. Then I started Tang Soo Do as well. I steadily gained a few belts. My dad then put me in Ken Po. All these styles concurrently. Again, I steadily gained belts. The problem was the constant ass-beatings I received every class from virtually all the other students and instructors. Then I found Ju Jitsu. I took to it like a fish to water. I practiced 4-8 hours a day. When I sparred freestyle with Tae Kwon Do, Tang Soo Do, or Ken Po practitioners I would rapidly take them down and grapple them into submission with choke holds or joint-locks. This goes for both students and instructors. When facing other grapplers I would make quick work of them. So I started to think of myself not as a bumbling teenage goofball but as a martial artist.

This was my first brush with confidence.

[Tammy]

I think the biggest transition for me was from Mennonite to agnostic. It took about 35 years.

Wife and mother didn’t change me much. I was oldest of 4 and helped raise my siblings, so all of that homemaking stuff was second nature. Being a nurse isn’t the pinnacle of change either, as I naturally gravitate toward caregiving and empathy. So although I value all those parts of my life, it was the religious/philosophical transition that was the biggest identity change.

[Ultralight]

I think the biggest transition for me was from Mennonite to agnostic. It took about 35 years.

Wife and mother didn’t change me much. I was oldest of 4 and helped raise my siblings, so all of that homemaking stuff was second nature. Being a nurse isn’t the pinnacle of change either, as I naturally gravitate toward caregiving and empathy. So although I value all those parts of my life, it was the religious/philosophical transition that was the biggest identity change.

Different perspective, for sure. Thanks.

[Ultralight]

Another major identity change happened in 2013. I got divorced. But it was not really the divorce that changed me; it was what I did with my newly found free time. That was when I became a fishing maniac.

About a week after my wife left my sis and BIL asked if I wanted to go fishing. They felt bad for me and wanted to distract me.

So we went. I had my old spincast with ropey 10 pound test and a dozen night crawlers. Anyway, we were out there about an hour.
2559

2560

I caught a catfish for dinner and a Fish Ohio common Carp!

I remember thinking: "I will just do this. This is how I will spend my time for the foreseeable future."

So I went fishing 4-6 days each week. I became a minor celeb at a nearby lake. haha

[pinkytoe]

The retirement thing is interesting because at least for me, you have to form a new identity. Still working on it...but it does make me see the germ of myself a little clearer without the distraction of work and other obligations. As Popeye says, I am what I am.

[catherine]

I truly don't think retirement will ding my identity, because I only do this for money. In fact, at this point, my job only gets in the way of other things I would rather do, which is why I'm keen on unloading the albatross of my NJ house. The only thing I'll miss when I retire? The money.

[Ultralight]

It seems like a lot of folks work a job just to fund their kids. So for those whose kids are their main source of identity most people are just working to fund their primary source of meaning in life.

[Teacher Terry]

I would have needed to work even without kids. I would have had more money no doubt without them but I always wanted them. They are a important part of my life but so are other things.

[catherine]

It seems like a lot of folks work a job just to fund their kids. So for those whose kids are their main source of identity most people are just working to fund their primary source of meaning in life.

I don't believe that our identity is as immutable as our gravestone. I believe we're more like books--chapters maybe. Or seasons.

I worked not to "fund" my children, but to provide all of their needs to the best of my ability (and no doubt I have failed in some areas). Money had to play a part in that. That part of my life is done now. But maybe I'm still dragging behind me the theme of my last chapter. (thanks for making me think about this).

The people I admire most are those who feel confident enough to "reinvent" themselves. We should never put much stock in our personal identity, because it can be a trap and a prison.

[razz]

Interesting thread to read giving me food for thought.

I don't think of my spouse or my kids giving me identity as dear and important as they are/were to me. They were an important part of a life that I chose and lived with gratitude for the love and joy they created.

My job as a dental hygienist 50+ years ago was such a new field that it evolved slowly and gave me a role that generated income and satisfaction but not identity.

What is one's identity? Online dictionary - the characteristics determining who or what a person or thing is.
I think that we express our identity in how or the way that we approach being a parent, life partner, worker, play, etc. My identity is to be analytical, committed, joyful, grateful, optimistic, enthusiastic, emotional, spiritual, curious...

So, as children entered my life, I responded to the challenges involved using the defined characteristics that continually develop and progress. With the passing of my DH, now my dog, and fully independent children, different challenges have arisen in how to structure my life without any strong daily commitment to another being. Actually it is really just another challenge to grow and progress.

[Teacher Terry]

I think that’s one reason pets are such good company for people once they are alone. It gives people someone to take care of and a being to love. Providing you want one of course. I never had a pet as a adult until 14 years ago so now I can add crazy dog lady to my resume:))

[SteveinMN]

I think my biggest identity change came was when I got divorced. Many beliefs and assumptions I'd heard about and held for years turned out to not be true. At that point, everything in my life -- location, career, religion/faith, values, friends, significant others, and more -- was up for examination. I have to say I'm happy with the results of that work. But it was a lot of work and, in some matters, it's not quite done yet.

[Ultralight]

I think my biggest identity change came was when I got divorced. Many beliefs and assumptions I'd heard about and held for years turned out to not be true. At that point, everything in my life -- location, career, religion/faith, values, friends, significant others, and more -- was up for examination. I have to say I'm happy with the results of that work. But it was a lot of work and, in some matters, it's not quite done yet.

Please share more about this.

[LDAHL]

I think my greatest identity change came when I was inducted into the Illuminati. After undergoing the painful and dangerous initiation rites and ordeals, I had my eyes opened to the Great Truth about the Universe and Man’s place in it. I gradually learned what a heavy burden of responsibility exercising true power could be. How difficult it sometimes is to keep the ignorant masses on the proper course to shape the golden arc of history. The absolute necessity of keeping the perpetual motion engine and the Secret Codicils of the Medici Testament out of the grasping hands of the Freemasons and the White Rose Faction. Preservation of the Pragmatic Sanction from one century to the next. Concealing the true purpose of kale until the elders determine the time is right. It is difficult and sometimes lonely, but it provides a sense of one’s essential identity that the mundanes will never know.

[Ultralight]

I think my greatest identity change came when I was inducted into the Illuminati. After undergoing the painful and dangerous initiation rites and ordeals, I had my eyes opened to the Great Truth about the Universe and Man’s place in it. I gradually learned what a heavy burden of responsibility exercising true power could be. How difficult it sometimes is to keep the ignorant masses on the proper course to shape the golden arc of history. The absolute necessity of keeping the perpetual motion engine and the Secret Codicils of the Medici Testament out of the grasping hands of the Freemasons and the White Rose Faction. Preservation of the Pragmatic Sanction from one century to the next. Concealing the true purpose of kale until the elders determine the time is right. It is difficult and sometimes lonely, but it provides a sense of one’s essential identity that the mundanes will never know.

Okay, now we know LDAHL is actually Dan Brown.

[razz]

What a burden you are carrying, Ldahl, poor soul!


I think my greatest identity change came when I was inducted into the Illuminati. After undergoing the painful and dangerous initiation rites and ordeals, I had my eyes opened to the Great Truth about the Universe and Man’s place in it. I gradually learned what a heavy burden of responsibility exercising true power could be. How difficult it sometimes is to keep the ignorant masses on the proper course to shape the golden arc of history. The absolute necessity of keeping the perpetual motion engine and the Secret Codicils of the Medici Testament out of the grasping hands of the Freemasons and the White Rose Faction. Preservation of the Pragmatic Sanction from one century to the next. Concealing the true purpose of kale until the elders determine the time is right. It is difficult and sometimes lonely, but it provides a sense of one’s essential identity that the mundanes will never know.

[JaneV2.0]

I think my greatest identity change came when I was inducted into the Illuminati. After undergoing the painful and dangerous initiation rites and ordeals, I had my eyes opened to the Great Truth about the Universe and Man’s place in it. I gradually learned what a heavy burden of responsibility exercising true power could be. How difficult it sometimes is to keep the ignorant masses on the proper course to shape the golden arc of history. The absolute necessity of keeping the perpetual motion engine and the Secret Codicils of the Medici Testament out of the grasping hands of the Freemasons and the White Rose Faction. Preservation of the Pragmatic Sanction from one century to the next. Concealing the true purpose of kale until the elders determine the time is right. It is difficult and sometimes lonely, but it provides a sense of one’s essential identity that the mundanes will never know.

I knew there was something sinister about kale! (Kale=Kali. Of course!)

[Teacher Terry]

When I divorced my second husband I changed my whole life. Interviewed by phone for my job and moved to the West even though I had never been there. My kids were grown so it was my time. Turned out great.

[SteveinMN]

I think my biggest identity change came was when I got divorced. Many beliefs and assumptions I'd heard about and held for years turned out to not be true. At that point, everything in my life -- location, career, religion/faith, values, friends, significant others, and more -- was up for examination. I have to say I'm happy with the results of that work. But it was a lot of work and, in some matters, it's not quite done yet.Please share more about this.
To avoid writing a novel, I will say that I should have done more thinking before I married my (first) wife.

I did not have many long-term relationships before I met XW. As a result, I really didn't have a good idea of what I was getting into or what I would bring into the relationship. It was clear not too long in that this was not a marriage for the ages. But neither one of us was abusing anything (or each other) and we knew couples whose marriages seemed to be far worse than ours. We knew lots of people who'd been married to each other a long time. We were attending a church that did not at all encourage the idea of divorce. So we stayed married. Split shifts helped.

Eventually (around the time I hit 40) I realized this was not how I wanted to spend the rest of my life. We sought help. Counseling didn't take. Advice from family and friends we trusted didn't take. The entire congregation at church praying for our marriage didn't take. So we divorced, XW fighting it the entire way.

Splitting assets meant losing some items in which I later determined I was too invested in keeping (it was stuff; why get hung up over it?). I moved from a large-ish suburban house on a cul-de-sac to a tiny apartment in a busy neighborhood -- and enjoyed the heck out of living there.

I kept some friends and got support from people whom I could never fully repay for their kindness and their tolerance. I lost several "friends" my ex and I had in common because I was the "leaver". I entered a dating scene which, even years before Tinder and "hooking up", was substantially different from what XW and I experienced. I debated whether I wanted to stay in Minnesota or move before I got too specialized in my career to move easily or too stuck on someone who didn't want to leave Minnesota (very common around here).

I reconsidered my religion -- what role did God have (or was given) in our marriage? Was it a lack of (my) faith that split us up? What did it mean that an entire congregation prayed over us and we divorced anyway? Why did I lose so many church friends? I opened up to pretty much any faith story to find one that resonated with me (and did).

It was a time to discover who I am and not who society expected me to be at that stage of my life. I probably didn't end up that far off my old mark. But I'm much happier now having taken the time to figure out my role in my first marriage, what I wanted to improve about myself, how I understood the world around me, and what I value as time progresses. Some things I tried I didn't like or re-thought. I now have a great marriage, several good new friends, grandkids (kids weren't happening in my first marriage), and a positive outlook on life. Without the freedom of the divorce, I don't think that would have happened.

[catherine]

Steve, your story reminds me of the moment when I realized that making a major decision for myself, regardless of what others thought, was the most freeing thing I had ever done. I will never regret listening to friends and family... and then doing what I wanted to do. I will never regret listening to my heart.

[SteveinMN]

I will never regret listening to my heart.
That probably was one of the most important lessons I learned from the entire situation. Everyone learns things in different ways...

[LDAHL]

What a burden you are carrying, Ldahl, poor soul!

I try to remind myself it’s for the good of my particular subset of mankind. Plus next year it’s my turn to fix the Oscars.

[Gardenarian]

Giving up gymnastics and segueing to yoga when I was 16 or so. I had (have) no competition in me. The spiritual/physical/emotional changes that came with yoga we're earthshaking to me at the time. I discovered my spiritual relationship to nature, which altered the course of my life.

Being diagnosed with (and treated for) epilepsy in my early 30s. I had been told by my parents (and therapists of all kinds) that I was highly sensitive, neurotic, etc. and my seizures were emotionally induced. I thought I was crazy and I was very insecure, needy, and miserable. (I had life-long multiple small seizures daily and big ones weekly or so.) I started on anticonvulsants, and bingo - all my neuroses, sensitivities, etc. disappeared that day. Turns out I had been diagnosed as a child, but my parents couldn't handle the stigma. Yep. I'm lucky it didn't kill me; it well could have. Turns out I'm a normal, happy person! Who'd have thought?

When I decided that I had no desire to get into the upper echelons of the library world. Up till that point (my late 30s) I was very driven. I decided being on the reference desk was my true place, and have never looked back.
I started working part time and finished my first novel. Writing that was a huge shift in my being. I've written 2 other books and am working on a fourth (none published, by choice.)

The arrival of DD, as others have noted. I'm not sure this changed who I am on as fundamental a level as writing a book, but it changed my life course a great deal. Many sacrifices, none that I regret. I am very grateful to have my little happy, functional family.

Moving to Oregon. I have made a lot of moves but this felt like a very happy homecoming. A lot of things have fallen into place for me, and I'm learning new things all the time. I feel almost complete.

[bae]

That probably was one of the most important lessons I learned from the entire situation. Everyone learns things in different ways...

Thank you so much for sharing your story, Steve!

[Teacher Terry]

Wow G, I can’t imagine not treating epilepsy. You can end up with brain damage from repeated seizures.