View Full Version : How to handle an apology?
I have a family member who can be really insensitive and offensive. She was an only child and very spoiled. She says she has only child-itis. I would call it narcissism; definitely very self-absorbed. Anyway, recently she went off on me and was really awful. She loves talking about herself and anytime a subject is brought up that is not about her, she doesn't like it. I was shocked and kind of horrified at her vile response. Afterwards, I had to do some self-care to get rid of all the yucky feelings from her outburst. Later she emailed an apology and said she was sorry.
In the past I have tolerated this stuff even though she never apologizes; I don't think she's even aware of how her behavior affects others. But it has affected me, no matter how hard I try to do the "it's who she is" thing. She's the only family member that I have where we live so I've always opted to preserve the family connection.
During the exchange, I was too shocked to cover my reaction to what she said. I made no effort to hide my feelings like I have in the past. I think this is why she apologized for the first time ever.
I want to accept the apology and let the matter go, but I do not want to be cheery about it (which was my first impulse). I don't want to pretend that what she said was okay. How do I do that?
Ultralight
11-7-18, 2:24pm
Here is my suggestion.
Ask to meet her at a cafe or restaurant about a half hour from her house.
Say you want to talk about the matter.
Then pick a day and time to meet.
Here is the zinger: You don't show up.
When she contacts you just say: "Gotcha!"
Then laugh and hang up.
Sends a very clear message that you are not to be effed with.
Here is my suggestion.
Ask to meet her at a cafe or restaurant about a half hour from her house.
Say you want to talk about the matter.
Then pick a day and time to meet.
Here is the zinger: You don't show up.
When she contacts you just say: "Gotcha!"
Then laugh and hang up.
Sends a very clear message that you are not to be effed with.
Well, you made ME laugh! Thanks for that. :laff:
Here is my suggestion.
Ask to meet her at a cafe or restaurant about a half hour from her house.
Say you want to talk about the matter.
Then pick a day and time to meet.
Here is the zinger: You don't show up.
When she contacts you just say: "Gotcha!"
Then laugh and hang up.
Sends a very clear message that you are not to be effed with.
Oh geez UL, I hope you're not serious.
First of all Geila, in my life (of almost 69 years), I have discovered that I don't need to be around anyone who treats me badly.....even if they're family. Being related to someone doesn't mean you have to be abused by them.
It's your call if you want to chance accepting her apology, and continuing to associate with her. If you do sincerely want a relationship with her, then I would make it very clear that you will never tolerate this kind of behavior from her in the future.
And if she starts it up again, even after this apology, then I would end it. You don't need this.
Teacher Terry
11-7-18, 3:26pm
I agree with Cathy.
Ultralight
11-7-18, 3:31pm
I agree with UL!
I've had periods in the past were I restrict the amount of time that I spend with her and it's possible that I might get to the point where I distance myself permanently.
But, as you can all tell, I'm sure, I have a really hard time establishing boundaries. I'd like to take this opportunity to do that, for my sake. Problem is I don't have experience doing so. I'd like to write an email that:
a. expresses my shock at her behavior.
b. sets some boundaries as to being the recipient of that kind of behavior in the future. (not sure how to do this)
c. ends on a calm/neutral note to allow the matter to be resolved. (this is for me; I don't want to drag this out our carry resentment over it)
Ultralight
11-7-18, 4:26pm
These narcissistic, mean-spirited people devoid of conscience are best dealt with by fighting dirty. It is the only thing they understand.
These narcissistic, mean-spirited people devoid of conscience are best dealt with by fighting dirty. It is the only thing they understand.
From previous experience, I would say that narcissistic, mean-spirited people devoid of conscience are all manner of dangerous things. And yes, this person did remind me of that type of personality during this exchange. A lot. I don't think that I'm ready to cut this person out of my life yet, but I do think I am ready to be pleasant but distant and create a wide boundary around my relationship with her and others like her.
But I'm not willing to play dirty and stoop to their level (yet - I have to admit to myself that in my previous relationship with someone like her, I did indeed have to "go where they were" in order to get through to them. And it was pretty hard for me to do, but there was no other way). One of my core values is compassion (and I'm highly empathetic), but I'm finally realizing that I have to be compassionate with myself as well, and recognizing that being compassionate does not mean being in a relationship with someone. And it doesn't mean being a doormat either.
I used to think that if I wasn't kind, I would be just like these people. And I would HATE being like them. It was very much a black & white perspective, all-or-nothing thinking. I'm now starting to realize that being kind to others does not mean being unkind to myself. It isn't either/or, its both/and. So I will accept her apology, AND I will take steps to protect myself.
As you say, stooping to below your choice of behaviour is not an option. What about choosing the times and place for connecting with this person.
Self-care in very important. I had someone in my life, not a family member, who was being very intrusive. I reasoned, requested, etc for privacy and courtesy until one day, I had had it. I advised this person that I needed a break so was stepping back from further contact. She phoned a few times and I politely reminded her that I was tied up with other commitments and unavailable. That way, I did not condemn or judge her but took responsibility for my well-being. I have not looked back with regret about my choice or actions.
iris lilies
11-7-18, 7:22pm
I support you in setting a boundary but when she “went off” on you what does that mean, exactly? Here you are not talking about her endless yakking about herself, apparently.
What behaviour will you no longer tolerate from her? What words will you use to express that?
Putting these things in writing is far less effective than face to face conversations and it creates its own kind of problem. If you cannot say the words to her now, you will not be able to enforce the boundary you set.
The important thing to remember is that it is your own behavior that changes when the boundary is crossed. When she does X Bad Thing you stand up to leave or you show her to the door.
Are you ready to do that?
The book everyone recommends is “Difficult Comversations” which lays out some strategies in talking about conflicts.
UL’s little trick is stupid, who has time to play stupid games and what is the point of that, anyway? If you think you are going to teach someone like this a lesson, well, that is not realistic.
Simply say 'thank you'. nothing more. Many people apologize because what they really want is for you/me to say "oh, it's OK". Those people will apologize again and again fishing for it. Simply say 'thank you'.
Since she emailed the apology, simply email back "thank you". Hit send, take a deep breath and move on
Geila, I'm curious....does she live alone? Does she have any medical problems? Does she have any hints of early Alzheimers? Is she on any meds?
Are you the only person she is ever around?
Geila, I'm curious....does she live alone? Does she have any medical problems? Does she have any hints of early Alzheimers? Is she on any meds?
Are you the only person she is ever around?
Because living alone is a real red flag...:devil: (Insert rolling on the floor smiey...)
I've had a similar run in with a "friend". It got to the point where I brought up a conversation discussing how talking with her made me feel and that I was giving fair warning if conversation went that direction again I would get up and remove myself and go for a walk. It got a little better and then I had to leave the friendship. It's easier to break off a friendship than a family connection. I do have to excuse myself and go for a lot of walks around my DH's family. That's reached the point where the last 3 years I've sent him on visits alone, I'm not going back.
Because living alone is a real red flag...:devil: (Insert rolling on the floor smiey...)
What I meant Jane, was that maybe she saves up all her insults for Geila, since she has no one else to dump them on.
Hey....I'm all for living alone! :D
Well, if she is 73, is there any way this can be part of the appearance of dementia? My mom exhibited some of this behavior as her dementia developed--it was as though her filters were removed, which I guess is kind of accurate, with deterioration of pre-fontal cortex.
So maybe your cousin was always a jerk, but she controlled it better and now she can't?
What I meant Jane, was that maybe she saves up all her insults for Geila, since she has no one else to dump them on.
Hey....I'm all for living alone! :D
Thanks for clarifying that; I was wondering where you were going.
I don't generally attack people randomly--at least not after I've had coffee...
Teacher Terry
11-8-18, 11:40am
If I was certain she didn’t have dementia I would probably end the relationship. I tend to put up with lots of crap from people and then one day my trig snaps and I am done.
I have found this book helpful in the past:
https://images-na.ssl-images-amazon.com/images/I/41A8eJTVXnL._SX311_BO1,204,203,200_.jpg
Yeah, I was wondering about early dementia too. At least in a relative of mine, he got very belligerent and oppositional.
She has always been this way. Over the years I've had to distance myself several times for my own well-being. Sometimes she tries really hard to "be a good person" but I think it is so much against her nature, that she always reverts back to her true self. Lately we had been getting along really well, and I had been hopeful that things might be getting better. Then this outburst happened. She is also very demanding of attention - that's a constant thing that does not change.
I sent my reply yesterday and I've decided to adopt an attitude of pleasant distance. It seemed the best way to be respectful to myself and move on. I don't want to deal with any drama right now. I have some health issues going on and I don't want to waste any of my energy.
Teacher Terry - you mentioned having this conversation in person, but from previous experience this is not a good idea with her. The one adult conversation that I tried to have with her ended very badly. In many ways she has the maturity of a child. She is spoiled, defensive, is easily angered, lashes out if confronted even mildly, always wants her way, etc.... (and weirdly, she is actually proud of herself for "refusing to grow up!" as she puts it.) So talking with her in person would end in lots of drama that I don't want right now.
iris lilies
11-8-18, 4:51pm
She has always been this way. Over the years I've had to distance myself several times for my own well-being. Sometimes she tries really hard to "be a good person" but I think it is so much against her nature, that she always reverts back to her true self. Lately we had been getting along really well, and I had been hopeful that things might be getting better. Then this outburst happened. She is also very demanding of attention - that's a constant thing that does not change.
I sent my reply yesterday and I've decided to adopt an attitude of pleasant distance. My email was short, but I stated my shock at her behavior and conveyed the beginning of a boundary with her. I also thanked her for the apology. It seemed the best way to be respectful to myself and move on. I don't want to deal with any drama right now. I have some health issues going on and I don't want to waste any of my energy. I usually try to make sure to spend time with her during the holidays as she doesn't have any kids, but I've decided not to. I'm just going to make other plans and be busy if she asks about getting together.
Teacher Terry - you mentioned having this conversation in person, but from previous experience this is not a good idea with her. The one adult conversation that I tried to have with her ended very badly. In many ways she has the maturity of a child. She is spoiled, defensive, is easily angered, lashes out if confronted even mildly, always wants her way, etc.... (and weirdly, she is actually proud of herself for "refusing to grow up!" as she puts it.) So talking with her in person would end in lots of drama that I don't want right now.
I think your response was fine, and certainly an in-person conversation would mean drama. There is no enforcement of boundaries with difficult people without drama.
Teacher Terry
11-8-18, 5:23pm
It wasn't me who said to do it in person. I never do. I used to use the phone and now with email I do it that way.
Sorry, TT. I thought it was you but I see now that it was Iris.
one day, I had had it. I advised this person that I needed a break so was stepping back from further contact. She phoned a few times and I politely reminded her that I was tied up with other commitments and unavailable. That way, I did not condemn or judge her but took responsibility for my well-being. I have not looked back with regret about my choice or actions.
Well done! Very clean and clear!
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