A confusing situation with my friend

[frugalone]

I know I tend to ramble on, so I'm gonna try and condense this:
Mary, Martha and I have been friends for many years (decades). Mary and Martha grew up together and were best friends. Mary and I were also best friends in adulthood, but I began to curtail my relationship with her for various reasons and we are no longer close. In the meantime, Martha and I have gotten closer.

When Martha and I have gotten together, she's often spoken of how she feels abandoned and insulted by Mary in different situations. Like, Mary will ditch Martha to go out with her live-in BF (about whom Mary complained for YEARS that she couldn't stand him, wanted to leave etc.) The three of us have not gotten together in ages. I've been under the impression that Martha doesn't care much for Mary any more.

OK, so recently: Martha's sister Carrie, who is also a friend of mine though I haven't seen her in a while, was diagnosed with fast-moving cancer. Through text messages, Martha informed me that Carrie was being moved to hospice. This was two weeks ago. I called Martha and she was sobbing so hard she could hardly talk. It was a shock to me--she has always been a tower of strength. She asked me to come to her house a week ago to help her write Carrie's obituary. I agreed to come up on Friday (my day off). Martha has a habit of inviting me to her house and then backing out, so I fully expected it, especially since she is either at a nursing home with her mom (who has dementia) or with her sister in her spare time. Friday, she texts me and tells me she's home sick with a sick grandson and she's bummed out b/c she was looking forward to our visit. Asks me to call her. I text her back, saying I'll call in a few minutes. Called her 2x that day and she never returned my call.

She asked me through a text if we could make plans for this weekend. I said I would have to see, as I had some things going on, and we really needed to talk. The things going on: The closing for my house, and a get together with my sister and friend. After which I had hoped I could go to Martha's house.

I called her two days later to see how she was doing. Texted to see how she was doing. Nothing.

During the week, I invited her to join my sister, friend and I for the gathering. Asked how she was doing. Heard nothing. Yesterday was her birthday. Sent her a nice text. Nothing.

So today, reluctantly, I PMd Mary on Facebook Messenger. Asking her if she'd spoken to Martha at all, and that I was worried. Honestly? I didn't even know if Mary knew about Carrie's illness. I get this short answer back from Mary: "I was with Martha last night."

I explained about the texts, phone calls and missed visit. I heard nothing in response. Then I said, "How is Carrie?"

Mary says, "Carrie is not good." Just that.

I said, "Last time I spoke to Martha she said Carrie was going to a hospice."

Nothing.

I wonder if I've pissed somebody off here. I also wonder why Martha is hanging around with Mary after telling me how much Mary's hurt her (I've been hearing this for years).

Had Martha returned my phone calls, or even texted me, I would have gladly explained about the house closing.

And yes, I know how much it sucks to have a relative with cancer. I lost my dad six weeks before my wedding. He was 50; I was 23. It was one of the worst times of my life.

I really don't know what to think.

And right now? I have a huge project in front of me: Decluttering and moving a six room house with basement and attic, moving a car that won't run, Thanksgiving, and repairs to the new house which turned up in the walk through.

I'd say the ball is in her court. What do you think?

[razz]

#1 - this is a very emotional and stressful time for all concerned so don't expect normal rational thought or behaviour from anyone, including oneself.
#2 - Focus on your needs and commitments as no one else is going to do this or get things done.
#3 - Send Martha a simple text - "Thinking of you. My dad passed away from cancer so I know this is a very difficult time for all. Please let me know how you are doing." Make it all about her for now. Send similar texts every couple of days just to keep in touch. When the opportunity arises, you could mention about being in the middle of a huge move and all that involves but it won't register when someone is grieving.
#4 - let it all go and work itself out in time. Carrie will have passed, you will have moved and life will go on.

So sorry to read that this is all happening at the same time as your big move. Wishing you a peaceful move and enjoyment in your new location.

[Gardnr]

I would send a simple caring text "thinking of you. I'm here if you need to talk". Do it every few days.

As you know, dealing with dying is difficult and a mixed bag of emotions. Knowing people are out there is comforting and meaningful.

Meanwhile, go on with your life.

Perhaps the bigger question however is, do you want these people in your life? If yes, it's worth the effort to let them know you have not abandoned them.

[frugalone]

Thank you. I have been trying to let Martha know that I'm here for her. I'm not sure I can do much more. I'll continue to stay in touch.

As for Mary, I've never really figured out whether I want her in my life or not. I have very mixed feelings about her. And I certainly don't want to get in the middle of some kind of high-school-drama crap between two friends.

Thanks for your good wishes re: the move. It's especially stressful because my husband isn't dealing with it very well. It's hard for me to take care of myself in the midst of all this.

[Teacher Terry]

You have reached out to her a lot with no response so at this point the ball is in her court. Such a sad situation.

[frugalone]

I could be a bit paranoid, but I felt like Mary's replies to me in Messenger were rather terse. Like she's POd at me on Martha's behalf or something.

[herbgeek]

I could be a bit paranoid, but I felt like Mary's replies to me in Messenger were rather terse.

Its possible you are being paranoid. I don't feel that that medium really lends itself to long, lengthy explanations. But its also possible, based on how you've portrayed the people here, that Mary is just being a bitch. Hard to tell.

[rosarugosa]

Do Mary's messages typically tend to be terse? That is true of some people I know, so nothing I would take personally.

[Simplemind]

Texting is great when it is working. In this case it isn't working. Curious as to why you have continued to text when you can see something is happening that is preventing your usual communication style. Between you and Martha, let her hear your concern by hearing your voice. As far as Mary is concerned, she could have just dropped by for all you know. Or, knowing that she was somewhat on the outs, heard the news and swooped in. Martha is obviously overwhelmed so no, the ball isn't in her court, there is no "ball" in grief. It is often too hard to compose a list of needs for others to fulfill. She needed you for the obit, call and ask her if you can still help with that.

[frugalone]

Texting is great when it is working. In this case it isn't working. Curious as to why you have continued to text when you can see something is happening that is preventing your usual communication style. Between you and Martha, let her hear your concern by hearing your voice. As far as Mary is concerned, she could have just dropped by for all you know. Or, knowing that she was somewhat on the outs, heard the news and swooped in. Martha is obviously overwhelmed so no, the ball isn't in her court, there is no "ball" in grief. It is often too hard to compose a list of needs for others to fulfill. She needed you for the obit, call and ask her if you can still help with that.

I have called. Martha isn't answering her phone. It just goes into voice mail.

[Teacher Terry]

There is nothing more you can do. You are a good friend.

[Gardnr]

I have called. Martha isn't answering her phone. It just goes into voice mail.

Voicemails could be very supportive and meaningful to her. Bless you for staying in contact through her very difficult time. When Dad and then Mom were dying of their cancers is when I learned who my friends really were. Many walk away because it's not comfortable.

[Tradd]

Years ago when I was in college I was maid of honor to a friend from high school. She got pregnant soon after the wedding, but lost the baby at 5 months along in the pregnancy. I wrote the friend a letter (this was in the late 80s) when I heard about the miscarriage from her mom. Never had a response. Wrote another time or two, just saying I was thinking of her. I tried calling a few times, leaving a message, but I never heard from her again. Both her mom and sister called me multiple times, chewing me out for not being in touch with friend. I told them I’d written and called multiple times, but didn’t hear from friend at all. They told me she needed a visit from me. I was at college an hour away with no car and I was supposed to just drop everything to visit when friend hadn’t acknowledged my attempts to contact her? I just told them a visit wasn’t possible.

Friendship is a two way street. If you’ve reached out multiple times with no response, just leave it alone.

[Teacher Terry]

I have never deserted a friend. We have been there for people through terminal illness and until they died helping them with whatever was needed. We drove a hour each way once a week to visit a friend with Alzheimer’s for 1 1/2 years. However, if I was getting no response from someone I would let it go. Obviously my friend with alzheimers was a different story as she couldn’t reach out. Eventually she no longer knew us but we still went. People have their own reasons for not responding and if I kept getting no response I would feel like a pest to keep trying.

[frugalone]

I have never deserted a friend. We have been there for people through terminal illness and until they died helping them with whatever was needed. We drove a hour each way once a week to visit a friend with Alzheimer’s for 1 1/2 years. However, if I was getting no response from someone I would let it go. Obviously my friend with alzheimers was a different story as she couldn’t reach out. Eventually she no longer knew us but we still went. People have their own reasons for not responding and if I kept getting no response I would feel like a pest to keep trying.

I called one more time, last evening. That's as far as I'm going to go.

I don't want to be a pest. I have been asking myself, if it were my sister who were dying, how much would I want to hear from my friends? I'm not sure. When my dad was dying, I don't remember a lot of friend interaction.

[Gardnr]

I called one more time, last evening. That's as far as I'm going to go.

I don't want to be a pest. I have been asking myself, if it were my sister who were dying, how much would I want to hear from my friends? I'm not sure. When my dad was dying, I don't remember a lot of friend interaction.

When my Dad was dying and then 13y later my Mom, I was most grateful to those who continued to let me know they cared and were there for me. Texts and voicemails would not be a negative. I didn't always call back or respond, but it meant a great deal to me to have others reach out.