How relationships define you

[Chicken lady]

There was a thread somewhere a while back about wether or not people defined themselves by their jobs. I can’t find it. This is more about how people define you by the role you play in their lives. I’m thinking about it because I am about to become my d❤️Gs’s Teacher.

I have an uncle who sees himself as the patriarch of the family and still refers to my 51 y.o. Cousin, my brother, and me as “children”.

i stayed home to raise and homeschool my kids, and being their mom is still central to who I am. But I had an interesting conversation with my girls this weekend.

i was talking to dd1 about one of my classes, and she said “you know, it says something about this family that you’ve managed to hold down the same job for ten years and we still think of you as unemployed.” At which my younger Dd chimed in “I know, someone asked me the other day ‘is your mom in a creative field?’ and I was like ‘no, she’s a home...oh wait, yeah. She teaches pottery.’ Do you have an art degree?”

uh, no. I have a degree in early childhood education, psych minor. But thanks for remembering I went to college?

one of the reasons I desperately wanted to get away from my home town was that everyone defined me as the granddaughter of one of my two grandfathers - depending on what social circle I was in. All of my teachers “knew” me before they ever met me. I wore priveledge like a straightjacket and despised all my “peers” for using it. And when I found my own place, I have followed my father’s lead “I will help your (school, organization, program...) on the condition that I get no formal title or role and my name appears nowhere.” There have actually been occasions in 4h where I have lied about my identity or roll. In one case I did some emergency repairs and later was asked about them by someone who knew i’d been around. Later that day a dad friend who is known for his willingness to pitch in asked me if I had done it, and when I confessed he said “I figured. Some lady just thanked me.”

I won a student presented award two years ago. It made me feel really good that the students chose me, but actually receiving the award was very uncomfortable. I’d love to be nominated again, but I never want to win another one! In fact, I was told I was nominated (but not chosen) this year and I told the teacher in charge “that’s great! If I ever come up again, could you just encourage them to pick someone else because I already won?” (Which was the argument this year apparently).

In general, I find other people’s expectations very uncomfortable, and I kind of like that my kids forget I have a job. “Mom” is really the only role I want defining me. Even “wife” doesn’t fit well, and “partner” and “lover” have their own implications....

what are your roles? How do you feel about them and how do they impact your life?

[Chicken lady]

Oh shoot, the title got messed up. Moderator? Can you chop it after “...define you”?

[Alan]

Oh shoot, the title got messed up. Moderator? Can you chop it after “...define you”?
Done!

[Tammy]

I get it. I was raised in a small town where my family had lived since 1845. Lots of expectations based on my last name.

I love living elsewhere.

[SteveinMN]

I am considered the "dad" of the family (my father passed away more than 20 years ago). It apparently is a mantle I do not wear well. I know what it means but I am not sure I want the role and I'm not sure that the steps I know of to get out of that role are okay with me.

[Teacher Terry]

Wife, mom, step mom, teacher and I am fine with it. I have 2 stepsons and one I am very close to because he lived with us during his teen years.

[catherine]

I have a similar but opposite insight from my DD. She told me a while ago that when she's a parent she's never going to define her kids. She felt that being labelled negatively affected her, even when characterized with positive attributes: "You're the smart one." "You're a redhead--you must be feisty!" I know that DH and I are guilty of that. We have 4 kids, and they also each have their "roles."

I define myself as a codependent personality when it comes to many of my relationships.

My kids define me as "rock of the family" (no pressure there! :). Behind my back they probably define me the same way I define myself (see above). I think what I've given them is more in the intangible department.. I'm not a good housekeeper, and I'm a very ok-at-best cook, so they aren't going to look back on any Mom-as-Martha-Stewart memories.

[iris lilies]

I liked being a member of my extended family, the clan that was centered in one Iowa county. But it didnt define me, and I had no problem moving away. Moving away for jobs was a fun and necessary event.

[bae]

I am trying to figure out what my definition is, now.

I was with the same person as a couple for over 40 years, starting when she was 14. We grew up together, became adults together, made a family together. She's gone now, and I am trying to understand who I, as an individual, am.

For ages, I was "the other half" of a pair. I was the husband and father. And I was the one who took care of everyone, protected them, provided for them. Sucked it up and set aside many of my hopes and dreams and desires to keep people happy and safe.

I let this care-giver role define me perhaps too much.

So now, I'm considering being a bit more self-oriented, and not constantly sacrificing for others.

[catherine]

... I was the one who took care of everyone, protected them, provided for them. Sucked it up and set aside many of my hopes and dreams and desires to keep people happy and safe.

I let this care-giver role define me perhaps too much.

So now, I'm considering being a bit more self-oriented, and not constantly sacrificing for others.

Good idea. If anything good can come out of your annus horribilis, maybe you can return to those dreams deferred, or indulge in new ones.

[JaneV2.0]

I liked being a member of my extended family, the clan that was centered in one Iowa county. But it didnt define me, and I had no problem moving away. Moving away for jobs was a fun and necessary event.

I've never defined myself relative to other people, either. Too limiting, and wouldn't emphasize my core self.

Bae, it sounds like your personal disaster will end up being an occasion for introspection, reorganization, and--ultimately--less restriction. At least i hope so.

[Tenngal]

I am trying to figure out what my definition is, now.

I was with the same person as a couple for over 40 years, starting when she was 14. We grew up together, became adults together, made a family together. She's gone now, and I am trying to understand who I, as an individual, am.

For ages, I was "the other half" of a pair. I was the husband and father. And I was the one who took care of everyone, protected them, provided for them. Sucked it up and set aside many of my hopes and dreams and desires to keep people happy and safe.

I let this care-giver role define me perhaps too much.

So now, I'm considering being a bit more self-oriented, and not constantly sacrificing for others.


This is a little like me trying to remember what my hobbies were before children?

I still work full time but find myself with times where I need to be kept busy.

Been doing lots of little handy man type things at church, small painting jobs, touch ups hear and there.

[razz]

To the OP, my relationships do not define me but my actions do, increasingly in fact. I am defining who and what I want to be for the next 30 years my life, progressing by learning, practicing and doing.

[bae]

To the OP, my relationships do not define me but my actions do, increasingly in fact. I am defining who and what I want to be for the next 30 years my life, progressing by learning, practicing and doing.

Well said, and what a good plan!

[Gardnr]

I have been with my husband since our first date at age 16. Now married 38 years. I'm good with being "wife".

My paid-employment is Nurse. I'm fine being defined as Nurse at work. I am NOT however, the neighborhood nurse and we've lived in this home nearly 28 years.

I am sister, Aunt, friend, gardener/preserver, quilter, knitter, veracious reader, a great cook. I'm OK with all of these. It takes all of them over the course of time, for me to enjoy this life!

It's a conglomeration of who I am day to day. I enjoy my life so if these define me, I'm apparently OK with it.

[Tammy]

I’ve been thinking a lot the last 5 or so years about being known as a Homo sapiens. Nothing else. That’s enough.

[Chicken lady]

I was thinking less about how you define yourself and more about how other people define you. For example - when I go to my uncle’s house, I am treated like a child. It is easy to fall into that role and hard to stand up for myself and remember that I am a grown woman with a job, a farm, and a family who functions just fine on her own. It is even harder to stand up to my uncle and try to remind him of this - particularly since it is limited in effectiveness and causes hurt and confusion on his part (why won’t I let him take care of me? He loves me.) and so, I find myself eating the food I am given, drinking the gingerale I loved when I was seven, listening politely to his advice, thanking him for the gas money or bag of fruit, and heading out because it’s getting late and I shouldn’t be driving.

i am wondering how my relationship with d❤️Gs will be affected by my becoming his teacher, or how being his teacher will be affected by our relationship....

the wife thing was, and has been, and is a struggle. Only a small part of that can be laid at dh feet.

[Tammy]

Ah - how others define me.

Here in the city where I did not grow up, I’m defined as a nurse. In the small town where I did grow up, I’m defined as the one who used to be a pastors wife but sadly is now going to hell.

I’m not kidding.

[JaneV2.0]

I took a watercolor class many years ago, a daytime class. And I was fascinated by the fact that all the students plus the instructor defined themselves solely through family connections. When it was over, I knew absolutely nothing about any of them, but I knew the instructor's husband was an attorney and several of the others had successful husbands and sons. At least so they said. I've taken a lot of art classes before and after, but I've never encountered anything as strange as this "bored housewives of Beaverton, Oregon" experience.

[Ultralight]

Harlan is my dog; I am Harlan's human. I think that defines me in a big way.

[Chicken lady]

Yes! That is the sort of thing I am thinking about. Harlan sees you as his human. That is it. Harlan doesn’t care what you do to provide dog food. When you are gone, it only matters that you are gone, not if it is work or the library, or a date or the store... Harlan has certain expectations specifically of you, because of the role you play in his life and his expectation is that you will be eternally (as far as a dog can imagine) true to that role.

It is a comfortable and important role for you, and you and Harlan are in agreement about what it entails, and so you shape your life around being a good human for Harlan.

i think when people have such strong images of us, we have to shape ourselves in either cooperation or opposition. We can’t simply ignore the expectation without distancing ourselves from the expecter.

(pastor’s wife is certainly one of those as well.)

there are are things I do for my kids that my kids take for granted, which I see as a sign that I am doing what I wish to do successfully. When I do those sort of things for my d❤️D, she says “thank you”, which always causes me to look confused and say “of course.” Instead of “you’re welcome.”

[Teacher Terry]

My step son is more grateful for what I do for him than my kids.

[ApatheticNoMore]

Since I was single most of my life (more or less) my relationship does not define me, but it's rewarding mostly (sometimes I'm grumbling about it - normal I think). Truthfully a particular job role does not define me. It's why I really could do something else with a certain amount of indifference as to what (some practical complications there). Now the ability to work and support myself kinda does define me.

[bae]

Harlan is my dog; I am Harlan's human. I think that defines me in a big way.

I can respect that. Elvis isn't my dog, I'm not his human, but we are each other's pack. Working scent hounds have an odd view of the universe, but it's a laid-back one I enjoy.

[Teacher Terry]

I don’t know if anyone else has thought about this but I realize I am kinder in real life than I am online and I don’t like that. Is there something about being anonymous that contributes to this? What do you all think?

[iris lilies]

I don’t know if anyone else has thought about this but I realize I am kinder in real life than I am online and I don’t like that. Is there something about being anonymous that contributes to this? What do you all think?
If you all were dogs maybe we would all be kinder to each other or maybe not. Maybe we would bite each other.

[Teacher Terry]

IL, too funny!

[Chicken lady]

I am nicer online. I can see my words and think about them before I “say” them.

also, real people annoy me.

[razz]

I am nicer online. I can see my words and think about them before I “say” them.

also, real people annoy me.
Had to chuckle at this because it is true of me as well, sort of. I can more easily simply ignore posts that I disagree with or find unacceptable in some way, filter my words online.
When real people do,IMO, inappropriate things, it is harder to not be judgemental and react. Having said that, I find that most people quite enjoyable but I need an escape hatch to move on and out of the situation. That is a lesson that I had to learn the very hard way.

[Zoe Girl]

I think i am seen as mom to everyone, my kids and their friends and the staff i work with. I make sure my staff has coats on, i make hats for their friends, and my own kids have a fierce mom.

In other places I am the spiritual one, that is coming back more and more. I run the meditation group, give advice, talk about spiritual stuff and do a lot if meditating. I also have random moments of wisdom.

Sometimes I am also the rebel, unstable, creative, and argumentative. The kinda crap employee, one who has trouble following orders, and no one is surprised when I disclose my brain illness. One who also gets an idea and spends days creating it out of nothing, then bounces the rent check.

[Teacher Terry]

CL, that was my morning laugh:))