Objects that used to have meaning but don't anymore

[frugalone]

Hi, Folks:
As some of you know, spouse and I are moving. I confess, I am really having a difficult time with the whole thing. I began to pack some knickknacks the other day, and it went Ok until I moved on to my teapot collection.

This collection isn't huge. I'd say there are maybe less than 20. But I completely flipped out while trying to wrap them up. Crying and everything. First they all had to be washed. I hadn't cleaned some in so long that there was dirt BONDED onto them, almost like a nicotlne stain. Then I dried them off, and started to wrap to put in boxes. While I'm looking at them/touch them, I'm realizing a couple of things.

1. If they meant so much to me, why haven't I cleaned or touched them or cared for them? (One reason is, I loathe housework and rarely do any dusting or vacuuming at all).
2. They don't seem to have much meaning for me anymore. I started collecting them more than 20 years ago, most likely because I'm quite an Anglophile and they reminded me of England. Now I'm just seeing them as More Things to Dust.

There are two that belonged to each of my grandmothers, that have meaning. If I kept them, I'm not even sure where I'd put them. On a bookshelf, perhaps? The rest, I just feel a sort of nothingness when I look at them. They sure don't "spark joy." ha ha

I'm thinking of just taking those boxes to the Salvation Army.

I feel a sense of loss and guilt. Loss because they used to mean so much to me. I even had a special hutch to display them. (Not sure I want the hutch anymore, either).

Has anyone ever experienced something like this? I guess I haven't since I gave away my Breyer horse models when I was a teenager. ha ha

I should add: I am going through a VERY bad time emotionally right now. I lost two friends last week, and the grandson of one of my best friends, age 13, died in a gun related incident last week.

[nswef]

Frugalone, Perhaps you have grown beyond needing them. Now that they are clean, it is a good time to pass them on to a budding Anglophile and let them enjoy them more than you are now. I cannot imagine the sadness you feel with the loss of two friends and a grandchild of a friend. I would think the tears could be that..... Good luck for the rest of the packing. Be kind to yourself. Don't try to judge why things don't "spark joy", just go with it. Oh so easy to say. Hugs to you.

[herbgeek]

Has anyone ever experienced something like this?

Sure. But you have it way worse because of the other losses you've experienced recently.

I had a hard time a while back discarding/rehoming items that were important to me at one point, or were aspirational. It was hard to admit that I'm never going to be the person that <fill in the blank>, and getting rid of the items was acknowledging that in a very real way. And some items I did use at one point, but just not interested any longer. Still hard to give up, because they remind me of happy past experiences. But giving up the item doesn't dim the memory.

I'm very sorry for your losses.

[catherine]

I, too, am so sorry you're moving through this transition with some sadness. I can definitely identify, as I will be starting that process in the new year. I get extremely sentimental over objects that remind me of certain people and experiences, and that sentimentality is crowding me out of my home! Everything from my daughter's 1994 Halloween costume to the furniture that I'm sure we won't be taking with us.. To me the objects aren't just objects--they're tangible symbols of a memory or a story, and it feels like you're "closing the book" on that story when you give up the symbol.

My son was in a movie when he was very young, and I still have his little blue flannel blazer that he wore to the movie premiere. Now, it is simply what Tybee called in a recent post "frozen energy." What a shame that another little boy or little boys have not had the opportunity to wear that blazer and write another chapter of that object's story. In fact, I once considered writing out our experience with the jacket and folding it up and putting it in the pocket of the jacket before giving it to Goodwill. I felt it would help to keep my own memory alive.

So, I get what you are going through.

You have had many losses to process this week. Be easy on yourself.

[frugalone]

Sure. But you have it way worse because of the other losses you've experienced recently.

I had a hard time a while back discarding/rehoming items that were important to me at one point, or were aspirational. It was hard to admit that I'm never going to be the person that <fill in the blank>, and getting rid of the items was acknowledging that in a very real way. And some items I did use at one point, but just not interested any longer. Still hard to give up, because they remind me of happy past experiences. But giving up the item doesn't dim the memory.

I'm very sorry for your losses.

The might have beens...I used to be quite a baker. Dreamed of one of those big KitchenAid mixers for years, got it, used it once. Was diagnosed as a Diabetic and can't bear to bake at home anymore. Still it sits. Oh, the art supplies never used! I've got two sewing machines...and I don't really enjoy sewing...Sigh.

O

[bae]

I feel for you. The past year or so I have been going through the same process here at home.

So much stuff, so much frozen-in-the-past energy, so many plans-and-projects that never happened.

As the dust is settling though, I am feeling much more free, and able to look forward, instead of having the constant noise in my head of all the Old Things And Plans.

[Teacher Terry]

I think the tears are understandable given you have lost 3 people. I am so sorry. Moving is hard with lots of decisions. A move across country was the impetus for me to get rid of my teapot collection except for one a good friend gave me. Gradually for the past 20 years I have been shedding stuff. I like a clean house and don’t want to spend all my time cleaning. I recently donated all my Hummel’s to a husky rescue because they sell things on eBay and then I sold the curio cabinet. All my collections are now gone. Recently I ran across the folder I had for each boy with their newspaper clippings of achievements and told them they could have it or I was throwing it away. I threw away my folder on myself too. Too much stuff doesn’t make us happy but rather drags us down.

[frugalone]

Thank you all for your kind words. My emotions have surprised me, since I have wanted to move for more than a year. I'm dealing with piles of clutter and I can't even get the movers in the house to give me an estimate. It's really worse than I thought.

I feel so badly for my friend. She's always been such a strong person, a mother figure to me. She told me the other day, "I don't know if I'll make it through this one" and it frightened me. My spouse keeps telling me not to get too tangled up in her business, which strikes me as somewhat crass under the circumstances. (This, coming from a guy who has empathy for everybody in the world).

[Teacher Terry]

Losing a child or grandchild is the hardest. The pain never goes away. People struggle for a long time. All the milestones that the child missed is a constant reminder. I hope your friend has other people she needs to be here for like her kids or spouse. Being needed by others really helps people get threw the worst of it. A person never gets over it. So sad.

[frugalone]

Losing a child or grandchild is the hardest. The pain never goes away. People struggle for a long time. All the milestones that the child missed is a constant reminder. I hope your friend has other people she needs to be here for like her kids or spouse. Being needed by others really helps people get threw the worst of it. A person never gets over it. So sad.

She and her husband come from big families. They have something like 50 nieces and nephews, all of whom have children and grandchildren themselves. So there is a big support system.

[Yppej]

Marie Kondo talks about thanking objects you no longer want for the role they played in your life before getting rid of them.

[pinkytoe]

What I have found after both growing older and decluttering our long held house is that there are layers of emotions attached to things that sometimes have to be peeled back gradually. At some point, you will be ready to get let go of something that formerly meant a lot. So you let go of a few items that aren't quite as sentimental and save a few that you just aren't ready to let go of. As a former antique dealer, I had a lot of teapots, glass and china crap I had saved before we moved. I brought only two boxes of that stuff here and recently opened them up. After not seeing any of it for two years, I was surprised at how little attachment I felt to see it all again. My whole world has changed so they no longer hold any meaning. I am now ready to let them go. And another neat thing about stuff is that "it goes in and comes out and starts over again" so to speak. New things come in to replace the old and I no longer let myself get too attached to stuff. Does that make sense?

[frugalone]

pinkytoe--yes, it definitely does make sense. One thing that really makes me happy is hand-thrown pottery. I can never get too many pieces of that!

I'm very surprised at how hard I'm finding the moving thing. (Did I say that already?) I'm such a low-energy person to begin with that I'm not really making much progress.

[JaneV2.0]

pinkytoe--yes, it definitely does make sense. One thing that really makes me happy is hand-thrown pottery. I can never get too many pieces of that!

I'm very surprised at how hard I'm finding the moving thing. (Did I say that already?) I'm such a low-energy person to begin with that I'm not really making much progress.

I feel your pain. The spirit is wiling, but the flesh is weak. Or as a probably apocryphal Russian translation had it "The vodka is strong, but the meat is spoiled."

[Gardnr]

How about keeping/moving the grandmother teapots. When you unpack them, put them in a place of honor. Look at them daily. After a month, decide if they are keepers or perhaps you really are done.

[razz]

With all you are experiencing, it will be a challenge. Wish you well with the sorting out of stuff. I found that hard when I moved. I finally got so tired that I went through looking for items that had a priority for me and then just let the rest go. That really helped rather than trying to sort everything.

[jp1]

I'm fortunate that the stuff I keep for sentimental reasons is all small and easy to store. Mainly photos that are of low quality which in today's era I would delete within a day or two after taking them. Mom was not at all sentimental so there was not much after she or dad died that was of interest. Nonetheless when I was clearing out dad's apartment at the assisted living facililty I agonized over every decision of every object. Four years later hindsight tells me that it was a blessing that I literally had a morning to make my decisions, and lived a 1000 miles away. I kept almost nothing, and don't miss any of it.

Re-reading your OP I'd personally keep the two that belonged to each grandmother and get rid of the rest plus the hutch. My mother was very much into embroidery. Over the decades she made dozens of beautiful things. But I don't want to live in a house decorated with embroidery, no matter how well done . So I picked a few that I especially liked and let go of the rest. The ones I kept, like the one that memorialized her and dad's marriage, are super treasured by me and displayed prominently. The ones that are gone are not missed.

[goldensmom]

The might have beens...I used to be quite a baker. Dreamed of one of those big KitchenAid mixers for years, got it, used it once. Was diagnosed as a Diabetic and can't bear to bake at home anymore. Still it sits. Oh, the art supplies never used! I've got two sewing machines...and I don't really enjoy sewing...Sigh.

I also loved and used my KitchenAid mixer until my husband was diagnosed with Diabetes and now I use it a few times a year but no more cookies or cakes.

I have a couple of things that still have meaning after many years including a shoe box with a some high school memorabilia which will probably be purged soon. I cleaned my parent's house of a 60 year accumulation of meaningful things that my mother had collected over the years and that impacted how I feel about stuff, even meaningful stuff. Guess I am more of a future thinking person than a past remembering person but I still have my wedding dress.

[frugalone]

With all you are experiencing, it will be a challenge. Wish you well with the sorting out of stuff. I found that hard when I moved. I finally got so tired that I went through looking for items that had a priority for me and then just let the rest go. That really helped rather than trying to sort everything.

Thanks, razz. Actually, that's not a bad idea. Picking out the good stuff and then getting rid of the rest.

I kept packing the teapots last night. Still haven't made up my mind. Unfortunately I did not put notes on the grandma teapots so it would take unwrapping to see which ones they are. Sigh.

The hutch has a bottom area with two shelves. As far as I can remember, there's nothing in there that we use, save for a Gorham crystal cranberry dish I use once a year, on Thanksgiving Day. There are a few dishes in there I'd like to keep, but I will have more cupboard space in the new house and they can probably go in the regular cupboards.

[KayLR]

Frugalone, yes, I have had the same thoughts and experiences, and am going through it even now, albeit not to the emotional level you are having to move through. I'm so sorry about that; how sad for your friend.

I think one more factor that complicates things is that I do not believe my daughter wants any of my stuff after I'm gone. And yeah, that hutch thing--I have my grandmother's hutch; she won't want it. But it is difficult for me to think about getting rid of it since it was Grandma's. I was so happy to inherit it almost 40 years ago.

I like and agree with what pinkytoe said about new things to love replacing the old which aren't speaking to you anymore (and being more choosy this time around). Something to think about.

[catherine]

I think one more factor that complicates things is that I do not believe my daughter wants any of my stuff after I'm gone. And yeah, that hutch thing--I have my grandmother's hutch; she won't want it. But it is difficult for me to think about getting rid of it since it was Grandma's. I was so happy to inherit it almost 40 years ago.



yes, I didn't want my mother's or MIL's Royal Doulton figurines, and that made MIL sad, and even worried about what would happen to them when she died (they're packed in a box in my BIL's storage unit.)

But then we get to my generation, and I'm wondering what to do about my Lenox dishes, and my son said, "Just the idea of having a whole set of fancy china for a couple of days a year is so bizarre!!" And I know he's reflecting the thinking of his generation and those younger. And, I must admit, I agree. (But it is fun to set a beautiful table on holidays)

[iris lilies]

I would use my Lenox china dailey were it not for the gold edges. That doesnt work in the microwave. Dailey wear in the dishwasher is not good, either.

But I havent given up in perhaps using them later in life on a daily basis. If I end up renting an apartment in the city after we move to Hermann, I may not have a dishwasher. Might use them then. I am planning to ise my 140 year old flow blue china in Herman and those do not have any gold.

[Teacher Terry]

The few things my kids wanted I have already given to them. I sold my good dishes because I was sick of them. I bought polish pottery plates and bowls that I have wanted for years. I didn’t need all the other pieces.