Lack of family and friendships/relationships

[beach pointe]

Hello all,
I cannot remember the last time I was on here. I tried to find my last post, and I couldn't....I'm guessing it was nearly a year ago. I'm posting in Family Matters & Relationships, although my post is about a lack of family and relationships in general. Now that I think about it, I believe my last post is similar to this one I'm about to post! Unfortunately....
2 days ago, it was my 42nd birthday. After the past few birthdays being alone, having no real friends, and no family in the province, I was at home alone. This birthday on this past Friday was exactly the same. I booked it off work back in September after seeing my birthday fell on a Friday, I was so excited because I was just starting to see someone and he acknowledged my birthday by booking it off his work. Fast forward...that relationship didn't work out, so my plans were cancelled. Friday morning I was so excited as I had plans to meet up with a new girlfriend for coffee, and I woke up to a text from her that she had been up all night with a migraine, throwing up. So, my birthday (once again), was spent alone, at home, and not able to quickly find or create any other plans to celebrate.
Today, I taught my first paid yoga class, after looking for a yoga teaching job for 6 months (I also have a full-time job). I obtained my yoga teaching certificate in June, and am only teaching now...when I became certified, the only person that acknowledged my accomplishment was my elderly father, and I told my family (all outside the province) that I was teaching Sundays starting today...and just as I guessed, no one has e-mailed me to ask me how the class went. What's that saying? "Accomplishing something is only an endpoint without someone to share it with." That is the theme to my life the past few years. I accomplished something I've been wanting to do for 10 years, and my father says, from afar, "Great job!". I'm used to having at least 2 close friends to turn to, to talk to, and share accomplishments as well as low points. Having literally no one to go for a coffee or a walk with is excruciatingly painful, and lonely. It's not for a lack of trying....but I don't want to get into that because I've tried to make friends so much that I'm exhausted and want to give up.
I don't know if I'm feeling sorry for myself, or just plain depressed (well, this I know for sure), but I have no one else to share this with so that is why I'm here! I'm sorry I don't have anything positive and uplifting to share... Has anyone else experienced what I am experiencing now? And if so, how did you deal with it?

[Teacher Terry]

I would do some volunteer work or join some group with common interests. Everyone needs friends.

[catherine]

I would do some volunteer work or join some group with common interests. Everyone needs friends.

Yes, that's what I was thinking, too. Volunteer work can a great social outlet. And keep coming back here. We're pretty friendly :)

[dado potato]

I hear you. "It's not for lack of trying."

Your simple living friends have already made a couple of suggestions, I see.

I would chime in with a suggestion to "Try something different this time." Sometimes we fail to connect compassionately with ourselves or empathically with others, and therefore we become isolated and depressed. In my view, the real great expert on this is the late Marshall B. Rosenberg. He wrote books on Non Violent Communication. There are NVC practice groups here and there. I would imagine BC has a few. But even without a group approach, I could recommend Rosenberg's books and YouTube videos.

[Simplemind]

Do they have Meet Up in your area? Hopefully you can establish something through your yoga class.

[Tradd]

My group of friends expanded greatly once I took up scuba diving. Try something for a common interest.

[ToomuchStuff]

Self reliance, like the pioneers. When your not living around a support structure and have distanced yourself from it, it naturally tends to distance itself back. (I do not do social media, and my closest friends moved more then 20 years ago, heck to even communicate with their sibling who has been a stalking victim, they require FB communication).
It also doesn't help when your at far different ends of the financial spectrum. I have another friend who is a decamillionaire and travels all over the place.
Another aspect for me has always been being at different points in life. My friends were an average of four years older then me and that is far enough apart that while they all celebrated birthdays such as 21, since I was both younger and not a drinker, when mine came around, happy birthday, wasn't even a thought. They started families, and were freaked when I being younger, was the second homeowner of the group.

So keep yourself active and realize your asking others to live their lifes filling your demands,"

"...Just being ourselves is the biggest fear of humans. We have learned to live our life trying to satisfy other people's demands. We have learned to live by other people's points of view because of the fear of not being accepted and of not being good enough for someone else."
- Don Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements (A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom)"

[ApatheticNoMore]

I think statistics show it is pretty hard to make friends after a certain age (that is like one's 20s). I don't believe it's impossible or anything, just saying you may not be alone there in having difficulty.

There isn't much new suggestions really. Meetups tend to meet irregularly and since they raised fees at least a certain amount of them are just someone trying to make money, but you can see what is out there. Also support groups (at least these tend to meet more regularly then meetup), maybe something like toastmasters (also meets regularly).

There are women's friendship "personals", like personals but same sex and platonic (they really are platonic and just for friendship). But I have not been impressed with them (I don't get contacted and those I contact don't seem to answer when I tried it), but could be tried. I met my bf through regular non-platonic personals, but that's different.

[Float On]

As well as teaching yoga are you attending any other yoga classes? Its easier to make friends with classmates than with students.
I tend to be a loner and don't mind celebrating alone. In fact for my birthday I prefer to be alone. I go off on usually a 3 day trip by myself. I work on my inner being and make some goals. On my goal list this year one item will actually be to try to make a few friends. I live in an area where people tend to move away so friendships are always revolving. I'm considering a yoga or zumba class or something to put me around more women.

[Teacher Terry]

When I moved across the country at 44 by myself it took time to make friends. I joined a church that was spiritual instead of religious. For instance they meditated instead of prayed. I met a whole group of friends that were newly divorced and we all became good friends.

[nswef]

I'm thinking going to a grief group might help with the sadness of losing friends might help. Does your public library have a book group or other activities? Keep coming by and sharing your pain. And CONGRATULATIONS! on your yoga teaching. How DID it go?

[SteveinMN]

This birthday on this past Friday was exactly the same. I booked it off work back in September after seeing my birthday fell on a Friday, I was so excited because I was just starting to see someone and he acknowledged my birthday by booking it off his work. Fast forward...that relationship didn't work out, so my plans were cancelled. Friday morning I was so excited as I had plans to meet up with a new girlfriend for coffee, and I woke up to a text from her that she had been up all night with a migraine, throwing up. So, my birthday (once again), was spent alone, at home, and not able to quickly find or create any other plans to celebrate.
I'm sorry your birthday turned out to be a bust. I'm sure your new GF would much rather have been spending time with you instead of dealing with a migraine. Did your new GF get together with you that weekend or the next week? And new relationships ... well, they're tough to judge a few months out. I realize there's more to British Columbia than Vancouver, but was there no place you wanted to go that was special and fun -- a new restaurant, a museum exhibit you hadn't had time to see before, something?


I don't know if I'm feeling sorry for myself, or just plain depressed (well, this I know for sure), but I have no one else to share this with so that is why I'm here! I'm sorry I don't have anything positive and uplifting to share... Has anyone else experienced what I am experiencing now? And if so, how did you deal with it?
I suspect most of us here have had an episode or two in our lives when we felt rather alone, whether it was because we moved to a new place or had a significant change in relationship status. Depression may have played a part in it for some of us; if you're not already discussing your discussion with someone, you should.

Others have mentioned things they've done to find new friends, and they're good suggestions. Build on your interests and be at least your own good company. One benefit of doing that is that you become more positive and interesting to others as you have something you can talk about proudly.

It might also help to reduce or release your attachment to the idea that other people need to be around for you to have a good time. Are there activities you'd like to do that don't have to be done with two or more? The expectation that another person is critical to your being happy puts a lot of weight on that other person's shoulders; I would not expect many people to manage that load well.

When I separated from my first wife, I lost many friends we had in common. I still had some of my own friends. But as part of getting on with my life, I moved from the suburbs into a tiny apartment in the city that did not make it easy for me to "cocoon" and watch Netflix all winter. I got out to concerts, new restaurants, movies, and so on. I made an effort to go to work-related get-togethers just to be out among people. I'm an introvert; it was an effort for me. But, as a famous hockey player once said, "You miss 100% of the shots you never take." If you want more friends, you'll have to be out where people are.

[Rachel]

Dear beach pointe,

The other posters have contributed some really lovely thoughts. I grew up having only 1 or 2 best friends, and into early adulthood was often lonely. I remember a very powerful moment at church way back in the early 80's, I was standing (as usual) on the outside edge of the crowd at Coffee Hour, and I noticed a youngish, nicely dressed woman (someone I identified with in a rather superficial way because of her stylish clothing) turning and striking up a conversation with a much older woman. They were both smiling and having fun, I could really see that a friendly connection was happening. I realized in that moment that there were so many people I wasn't talking to or trying to be friendly with just because I thought they didn't look quite like "my type." And I realized that was why I hanging around on the edge of Coffee Hour not having much fun.

I wonder if you might be someone who feels shy about engaging with someone who looks like they might be a little older or a little younger than you or perhaps not sharing the same interests. That was certainly my situation, and once I realized it I made a conscious effort to change--and it was easier than I thought it would be.

Here is another example: a friend of mine who is a retired college professor is now living in a small town where very few people have even been to college. Is she lonely? No, she is not! She is endlessly curious and empathic about other people's lives. She has the gift of being able to be friends with people who have very different backgrounds and interests. And as a result she has made a very happy life for herself.

I hope this helps a little bit. I really empathize with you because I used to be in a similar situation. I hope things will go better for you.

[beach pointe]

Thank you, Teacher Terry. I have done that in the past, but not for a long time...I've tried joining common interest groups, too, but that hasn't manifested any friendships although I did get out of the house!

[beach pointe]

Thank you, Catherine. I haven't done volunteer work in quite a while, and I've been thinking of it a lot but I've been pretty busy the past year....I know - excuses, excuses....Yes, I will keep coming back here, you all are a friendly bunch and I'm grateful for that :)

[beach pointe]

Dado potato, I agree I need to try something different this time, just not sure exactly what that is! I am introverted and shy at times...so sometimes it's hard for me to get myself to do something new and different. I will add that book to my list, I appreciate the reference.

[beach pointe]

Simplemind, yes MeetUp is huge here. I've been doing it, on-and-off, for years...I even had my own group, but interest was very low and so I closed the group after feeling really defeated. At this time, I do have 3 groups I'm a part of, and it's just a matter of schedule to find time to attend the events I'm interested in...some of them are a bit of a drive, but I don't mind doing those once in a while.

[beach pointe]

ApatheticNoMore, yes I am well aware of the stats showing the increase in difficulty to make friends as we age...I've just never had this problem. And I don't necessarily attribute it to my age (42), I know there are many other factors such as...I moved to a new province/city in 2015, I work full-time and teach yoga on the side, I am introverted and sometimes shy, etc...all excuses, but they do contribute to a certain extent. I've never given up completely, but I have stopped trying at times.

[beach pointe]

Float On, I currently teach (sub) about 1 class a week, if that. I attend about 5 hot yoga classes a week for myself, so I am always in the studio nearly every day. I don't find the students at my studio terribly friendly, in general. I've made conversation with a couple of people...so it's happening, but it's slow going.

[beach pointe]

Stevein MN, I am also an introvert but I prefer to "do things" with company. Believe me, I have tried and tried again to do things on my own, go places on my own (I mean road trips, for example), and visit areas of interest on my own....and I don't enjoy it one bit. In fact, I feel worse once I get home because I had no one to share the experience with. I do prefer to have company to do things with, but I'm OK on my own grocery shopping, and being home alone, for example, haha! I've also been married and divorced, and I went through a similar experience, and even moved to a different province at that time, too, just as I did back in 2015 to where I am now...but I was somehow more confident in myself, younger, and more fearless than I am today.
I agree 100%, if you want more friends, you have to be out where people are, but that's not all you need...you also need to open your mouth and open your heart, and that's where I fall short sometimes.

[beach pointe]

Rachel, I grew up having lots and lots of friends, always. I never had lonely times in my childhood or in my young adulthood. Now into my early 40s things are very different, and perhaps I have changed a bit, too.
I know exactly what you're talking about in your experience in church...and I have always made an effort to talk to people of any age, race, size, etc...I do that sometimes while standing in line at the grocery store. I don't look for people who look like me, or seem close to my age necessarily as I've always enjoyed conversing with all kinds of people. I do believe we all have something in common. I am introverted and sometimes shy, so I do need to sometimes make a concerted effort to talk with others, but I always feel good about it.

[beach pointe]

nswef, I never thought of going to a grief group - I will consider that, thank you. I am so grateful that you all are here, and I want to come back here more, and hopefully have something positive to share, instead of my pain! And thank you! I haven't felt as good as I felt after teaching that yoga class in a few years...I was driving home with a HUGE SMILE across my face, and it felt so good to just smile...Just wish I had someone genuine to share my smiles with. The class was wonderful, the students were fantastic, and it felt great all around!

[dado potato]

Well, Pardner,
if you have nobody around, you could share your smile with a Water-Pik, with the reservoir filled with warm water...

[beach pointe]

Thanks dado potato...I will be on Skype with my family later today.

[ke3]

I haven't read the whole thread, but did anyone mention taking language classes? If you take an evening language class, the teacher will almost always put you in small groups to discuss fun topics or practice idioms. In classes I've taught, the students have nearly always become friends. And by the way, I've had a loneliness problem for years now. I have all the same (three) close female friends I made in grad school, but we all live in different places. My undergrad friends all became uber-wealthy (one of them a billionaire); so we don't have a lot in common anymore. But the grad school friends are still close friends. Fortunately I'm only a 2 hour drive from one of them since we moved, and she and I have both been so heartened by our continuing friendship. We've both made many acquaintances since our grad school days, but no close friends. I have found it to be impossible. But I would keep trying everything if I were you. Literally everything. I'm right now considering taking up the flute so that in a few years I can join the town band--it's quite a nice group, and music is such a wonderful, close-knit world community.