Distorted Thinking: Black and White

[catherine]

We've talked recently about gaslighting, but I'm in a conundrum with regard to BIL who tends to display black-and-white thinking (#2 in the list below).

https://psychcentral.com/lib/15-common-cognitive-distortions/

So here is the dilemma, and the solution is going to be obvious to most of you, but I feel I must be delicate.

As you know BIL has his issues. One of the things he does that really bothers me is the way he plays music very loudly in the back yard. He considers himself a "music guy"--and his knowledge of music forms part of his identity.

Every night he goes into the back yard and he plays music quite loudly. Because I'm getting older and I don't like loud music it's probably not as bad as I'm imagining, but we live adjacent to a park where sound really carries. I've said this many times to both DH and him.

The obvious thing to do is to ask him to turn it down. But in my experience with him, rather than simply turning it down, he would stop playing it altogether. I don't want that. I don't mind if he plays music but it has to be reasonable! Yet, he doesn't know how to take a request to tone something down without thinking that he's a "failure" or "my sister-in-law doesn't like me" or "I'll never play music again" or some other irrational interpretation of a simple request.

DH understands completely but tells me to let it go. Music is all he has. Again, he's formed a whole persona around it, and he really doesn't have much else--no meaningful career, no wife, no kids, no friends. So I'm inclined to let it go until the cops come and then hear him rant about what a--holes cops are.

Anyway, have you experienced issues with people who have black-and-white thinking?

[Teacher Terry]

Since it’s winter can you hear it in the house?

[catherine]

I can definitely hear it in the house with windows closed. Even my 30-something kids remarked about how loud it was.

[iris lilies]

We've talked recently about gaslighting, but I'm in a conundrum with regard to BIL who tends to display black-and-white thinking (#2 in the list below).

https://psychcentral.com/lib/15-common-cognitive-distortions/

So here is the dilemma, and the solution is going to be obvious to most of you, but I feel I must be delicate.

As you know BIL has his issues. One of the things he does that really bothers me is the way he plays music very loudly in the back yard. He considers himself a "music guy"--and his knowledge of music forms part of his identity.

Every night he goes into the back yard and he plays music quite loudly. Because I'm getting older and I don't like loud music it's probably not as bad as I'm imagining, but we live adjacent to a park where sound really carries. I've said this many times to both DH and him.

The obvious thing to do is to ask him to turn it down. But in my experience with him, rather than simply turning it down, he would stop playing it altogether. I don't want that. I don't mind if he plays music but it has to be reasonable! Yet, he doesn't know how to take a request to tone something down without thinking that he's a "failure" or "my sister-in-law doesn't like me" or "I'll never play music again" or some other irrational interpretation of a simple request.

DH understands completely but tells me to let it go. Music is all he has. Again, he's formed a whole persona around it, and he really doesn't have much else--no meaningful career, no wife, no kids, no friends. So I'm inclined to let it go until the cops come and then hear him rant about what a--holes cops are.

Anyway, have you experienced issues with people who have black-and-white thinking?
sure, but not to that extent. Your BIL is damaged and I wouldnt extrapolate his brain function to those of a more normal range who still indulge in black/white thinking sometimes and about some things.

In defense of black/white thinking, exploring nuances on all issues is bloody time consuming. Headline news screaming one thing or the other at us is easier to absorb, and we can move on withh our lives and still fancy ourselves “informed.”

[catherine]

sure, but not to that extent. Your BIL is damaged and I wouldnt extrapolate his brain function to those of a more normal range who still indulge in black/white thinking sometimes and about some things.

In defense of black/white thinking, exploring nuances on all issues is bloody time consuming. Headline news screaming one thing or the other at us is easier to absorb, and we can move on withh our lives and still fancy ourselves “informed.”

So, what's your bottom line? I'm not fancying myself informed--I just want to know what's a reasonable way to respond to this? I'm not thinking dime-store psych or media pundit, I just was wondering if others have had to tip-toe around a similar disorder?

ETA: I think your answer is the idea that BIL is damaged. This is why I tend to try to be more forgiving/compassionate.

[Tybee]

Has this been a problem with anyone else, like neighbors? Have the police actually been called? Has anyone else complained?
Not saying that you are imagining a problem, just trying to figure out how big this problem has become and whether it has spilled out beyond the back yard.

[catherine]

Has this been a problem with anyone else, like neighbors? Have the police actually been called? Has anyone else complained?
Not saying that you are imagining a problem, just trying to figure out how big this problem has become and whether it has spilled out beyond the back yard.

Not so far, Tybee. Good question. I think it's annoying to me most of all, because I personally would never play music that loudly. But to your point, it has not been an issue so far with neighbors. I'm really trying to just let it go, as DH said. It's just frustrating because it's historically difficult to approach "roommate" problems with him. DH asked him to move his car once so that he could get out of the driveway, and since that time, BIL has parked his car in the street. He has a difficult time simply interpreting the ask. We never told him we don't want him parking in our driveway.

I'm just venting. Silly stuff based on holiday stress.

[iris lilies]

Not so far, Tybee. Good question. I think it's annoying to me most of all, because I personally would never play music that loudly. But to your point, it has not been an issue so far with neighbors. I'm really trying to just let it go, as DH said. It's just frustrating because it's historically difficult to approach "roommate" problems with him. DH asked him to move his car once so that he could get out of the driveway, and since that time, BIL has parked his car in the street. He has a difficult time simply interpreting the ask. We never told him we don't want him parking in our driveway.

I'm just venting. Silly stuff based on holiday stress.

Ypur BIL presents difficult options for co-habitation. I might agree with your husband to “let it go” since surely this is the last winter you will have to put up with with this loud misic. I would not assume that neighbors are not bothered by it, though. And if he permenantly removed his car from your driveway, that seems like a win to me. You driveway owner, he freeloader—seems ok to me that he parks in the street.

I have parked in the street every day dor 30 years. It doesnt hurt us, really.

[Teacher Terry]

That’s loud if you can hear it with the window closed. I would really want to be rid of him if it were me. I would be decluttering, selling and moving fast if I was living with him:)). Seriously maybe a neighbor will call the cops but I see the dilemma with the way his brain works.

[JaneV2.0]

A good pair of headphones might do the trick--unless he thinks he's entertaining the neighborhood.
And you could invest in a pair of noise canceling earplugs, or even some foam ones, which would at least reduce the irritation factor.

[catherine]

A good pair of headphones might do the trick--unless he thinks he's entertaining the neighborhood.
And you could invest in a pair of noise canceling earplugs, or even some foam ones, which would at least reduce the irritation factor.

Jane, that's a great solution, but feeds into my typically passive-aggressive nature, which I'm trying to improve on. I could see myself stuffing my ears with the headphones and BIL would say, "Oh, you got headphones?" and I'd have to say "Yeah, your music is kind of loud, so I got the headphones to mitigate it. Don't worry though! Play the music as loud as you want!"

That's the kind of behavior (in myself) I want to avoid. So, instead, I'll just unload on you guys. :)

[SteveinMN]

I'm with IL. If the neighbors aren't complaining (you might want to ask a couple of them just to be sure) then let it go. I can guess that, soon enough, even in NJ, there will be weather cold enough that BiL won't want to be outside for any elective reason.

I have dealt in the past with "binary thinkers" like BiL. The best compromise I could arrive at with such people is to mention several possible solutions to the issue when I mention it (any of which I would find acceptable if not optimal) and let the other person choose their reaction. You're in a tough spot here but it's not for forever so I don't know as I'd put lots of energy into figuring out how to live with him.

[JaneV2.0]

Jane, that's a great solution, but feeds into my typically passive-aggressive nature, which I'm trying to improve on. I could see myself stuffing my ears with the headphones and BIL would say, "Oh, you got headphones?" and I'd have to say "Yeah, your music is kind of loud, so I got the headphones to mitigate it. Don't worry though! Play the music as loud as you want!"

That's the kind of behavior (in myself) I want to avoid. So, instead, I'll just unload on you guys. :)

The earphones would be for him. :idea:
If you're the only one bothered by the noise, some kind of earplug would mitigate it a bit. I've been known to pull out earplugs at a noisy restaurant.

[Tybee]

I like this idea, Jane! He can go as loud as he wants. A pair of wireless Bose sound cancelling earphones would be wonderful if he wants to crank it up.
I wonder if he is losing his hearing? Just a thought.

[Lainey]

Also is there a way to mark his device to indicate don't move it past number x on the noise level? (I know I'm thinking of old fashioned radios with dials, but I think you know what I mean). And I agree with his using headphones to listen. Common courtesy.

[Tybee]

Catherine, I think you have passive aggressive all wrong. P/A is when you call the cops, lol.

[catherine]

The earphones would be for him. :idea:
If you're the only one bothered by the noise, some kind of earplug would mitigate it a bit. I've been known to pull out earplugs at a noisy restaurant.

Oh, duh. I actually asked Dh about that and he feels BIL wouldn't use them. He doesn't have them now, and again, he'd simply interpret the suggestion as a demand that he never play the music.

Tybee, haha! Yeah, I could do the call the cops thing as an "anonymous neighbor" but I'm not THAT passive aggressive! :)

Anyway, I'm not crabby anymore. I was just craving some alone time, which you never get with a houseful at Christmastime. But yesterday DS left for VT, and DD/SO went to see my other DS for the afternoon, so I got 4 hours of badly needed downtime. Happy camper again! :)