a year ago this week

[Zoe Girl]

I think this is when it started to go really bad at my old job. I ran camp 6 days over break last year with someone calling out every day of that. Just being tired was one thing. Then other memories and focusing on gratitude for where I am at now.

Right now the memories are mostly about mistakes I made or ways that I acted, I think that is okay as long as I balance it out with all the good things I did. I started journaling to keep track of my accomplishments. I kept my 'tracker' of everything I did monthly all year in case I need to refresh myself. I don't really want to focus on my old boss or workplace. I am trying to manage how much it took over my life, and how I feel now. I think I would have benefited from better medication for the depression side of things a long time ago. The obsessive part of my illness is really hard to look back on, and maybe I can balance it by thinking of how many projects and tasks I can get done with that positive focused energy.

In any case I am off until January 2nd at this job! Getting some retreat days in

[Yppej]

It helped me get over my old job once I passed the one year mark at my new job. Now it is last year at this time I did XYZ at my new job, rather than thinking about the old job. I hope this happens for you also.

[Zoe Girl]

Thank you Yppej, I am planning on re-starting counseling in May when I think I will need it again, possibly in March when a lot of bad things happened. I have access to the same counselor if I need it. I am comparing to last year in a positive way, such as last year on this date I worked 10-12 hour shifts. Now I am working 8. Last year I remember starting to feel scared a lot, this year I have some anxiety but it is largely unfounded.

I started this one August 2nd, so 5 months in.

[sweetana3]

Your posts are very different now to those of us who only know you from them. There is a calmness and thoughtfulness now instead of frantic thoughts and fear. Really impressed with all the changes you have gone thru and how you have adapted recently.

[iris lilies]

It is a good plan to balance negative thoughts about yourself with positive. You are human as we all are and we have a mix of greatness and not so greatness in our actions. If your negative self talk starts to take over your thoughts, though, recheck your medication needs and talk to your therapist.


I didn’t realize you’d stopped therapy, dont know if that is a good idea. Why did you stop? And how does the medication work, does that come from your primary physician?

[Teacher Terry]

Yes I agree with others that I can see many positive changes. I am sure it’s a combination of the medication along with your improved work situation. I am glad you are monitoring your need for therapy.

[Zoe Girl]

Iris, I had an online counseling service that has been working well. I have not been talking about old stuff or even really deep or painful things in about a month. The cost is very reasonable but still $250 a month. My plan, talked it through with therapist, is to save up for some retreats I very much want to do as my next mental health step. We talked about times that may be triggering coming up and I can go back and have her again at any time. I also have people close to me that I talk to on a regular basis. We do not talk about all my issues but I have made it clear that I will listen if anyone has a concern. That includes friends here. I need to be done thinking I am the smartest one in the room concerning my mental health.

My medication is through my psychiatrist who I see every 6 months and he is super available to me by email as well. I am actually going in tomorrow. My new insurance is through Kaiser like my old plan so I can keep the same Dr. I am so glad for that, it is hard to get good care.

[iris lilies]

...I need to be done thinking I am the smartest one in the room concerning my mental health....



But you should be the team leader! We provide input, but you steer the ship.

[Zoe Girl]

[QUOTE=iris lilies;317827]But you should be the team leader! We provide input, but you steer the ship.[/QUOTE

Thank you, that means a lot more than i can express

[lhamo]

ZG, I know you try to look for the good in everyone but your last boss at your previous org was the epitome of An Asshole. Seriously, read The No Asshole Rule if you havent already. And the boss before him was not so great, either. You were in a highly dysfunctional environment that ate up many good people besides you. Yes, you have your challenges due to your mental health and low income and other things. But YOU WERE SET UP TO FAIL IN THAT ORGANIZATION!

I'm glad you are in a healthier, happier place now. I hope you can rebuild your confidence. I was lucky enough to fall into a role that helped me do that when I resumed work after leaving a toxic org in 2007. It really did a number on me -- was seriously depressed for months. But after starting my new job in early 2008 it became so obvious that It Wasn't Me. I hope you will come to see that, too.

[Zoe Girl]

Thank you lhamo, I recall what you went through while you were sharing on these boards. Honestly your story helps when I get hard on myself. Also the counselor I had also had a really negative experience, and my former job coach. So it really happens to good people. I saw this dysfunctional core there, they would have initiatives and committees and make some changes, then about every 3 years it would get really bad and people would be gone one way or another. The entire district is just kinda crazy. I recall that our main office kept on moving desks around, looking back it feels like they were just throwing people off almost on purpose.


I am so glad you have a good job situation. I think that is one of the most healing things ever. I thought my work life would be ruined forever ( I wasn't fired but I would only barely be re-hireable in the district) with this bad year on my record. However you can move on and things get better. I am reading a great book from a trainer in my old district that is very good, about bias and personal work. I will share more about that, but I realize I don't have to leave all that good stuff behind.

[ApatheticNoMore]

Yea I totally suspected bad work situation.

For me the person who got me fired from my last job isn't there anymore - moved cross country (yea well it's uh a tough job market here :laff:), probably left voluntarily, but left them scrambling to hire. I was contacted by clueless recruiters to be hired for my old job initially and many months later when they left and by that point it was: "immediate need!". I don't even know if they ever filled it. And so of the 3 people that interviewed me for that job 2 years or so ago, only 1 is still there.