View Full Version : Officially annoyed with friend
Argh, I am starting to settle after my breakdown and notice more of my emotions. I am officially annoyed with a friend. In so many ways she has been super helpful, and in other ways she is so focused on her own medical and life issues that she is not available. I think I am very understanding of her capabilities, I was one of the people helping her recover from a back surgery by visiting, taking her on walks, doing some mild household chores that were hard.
She lives fairly far away, like 45 minutes, and comes to my area on a regular basis. We have met for writing dates in an in between area and she is very considerate about my time. However she also never comes to my place. She has been visiting her dad close to me every Saturday but has never taken me on the offer to come to tea. So it rather balances out. But today she had a dentist appointment very close to me, and she said she was going to call, then a couple hours later I texted her and she had gone home but invited me over. No reference to our plans. I passed on going all the way up to her house.
We also shared a room over New Year's when we were on a retreat. She was horribly sick, went to urgent care had a sinus infection. So I spent the day in retreat mode and when I got back to the room she was in super sick mode. I always checked in to see if she wanted me to bring food or pick her up something. One night she wanted to keep watching her movie past 10 pm, something in the Hunger Games series. Not retreat appropriate. I was not that flexible, and passed on her offer of earplugs. She did turn it off or put it in her tablet.
I know I need to readjust my expectations for this friendship. I already have by realizing I get resentful if I do too much helping, so I am not helping her with her current purging process. I am irritated that her needs seem to take priority most of the time.
Teacher Terry
1-21-19, 8:54pm
I find it weird that she can be so close to where you live and then not follow up to see you. I would be annoyed also. Time to set some boundaries.
I slowly removed all those people who were "takers" and never equal "givers"....sadly it left me with no close girl friends! Oh well, I'm pretty content on my own....is it me????
Yeah, if I were you, I'd figure out a way to keep in touch with something neutral and fun in the middle, like your writing dates, but avoid the at each other's houses, since she does not seem to want that. Renegotiate the relationship. I've had to do that a couple of times, and some folks fall away, and some, you get through to another stage of the relationship eventually.
I would also cultivate a new friend. too.
Walk in her shoes. After a visit with her dad, she may be exhausted. I agree with Tybee's suggestion.
Personally, I offer an opportunity in doing something that I am going to do to others and give them the freedom to join me or not. Often they do but other times, they don't. I do it anyway. Others have told me that they are not comfortable doing this so I think it is a personal variation.
Simplemind
1-22-19, 11:34am
As an introvert I'm just going to add another perspective. When she is out your way she is visiting her father, has a dental appointment etc.. Seems that on your side there is an expectation that you connect because she has driven the 45 minutes and is close. On her side it may just have already been too "people-y" and she needs a break to recharge. She probably invites you because she does like to see you but needed a break between activities. Even after a dental cleaning I need to go home and chill let alone if drill work is done, forgetaboutit. Back to back visits, no matter how much I liked the people would be too much for me. Just a thought.
Teacher Terry
1-22-19, 11:43am
I wouldn’t drive 45 minutes to visit someone that chooses not to see me when they are so close.
I know she is an introvert, so am I. So I pretty much get it about times like visiting her dad. Yesterday I just understood that she was going to call before she headed home so I passed on taking a hike. Then by the time I realized she was not checking in before she went home it was too late. When she visits her dad she doesn't say she will call me so I don't expect it.
I did have her over for Thanksgiving. She really wanted to have it at her place after I had invited her to my place. I was inviting my daughter as well, another serious introvert and in the first year of a bad breakup. So I stuck to being at my place which was more central to all the guests. I just remember being at the edge of my patience with how many times she wanted us to go up to her. I told her my daughter's comfort was my first priority.
I think it is just an imbalance of care and attention for me. I am very aware that she has pain days and needs to cancel things at times, that she visits her dad weekly, that she is on a keto diet, that she is preparing for another surgery (breast reduction to help her back), etc. I don't think she still has a clue what my work schedule is like, or that I have preferences that are really strong, or anything. But taking a step back.
catherine
1-22-19, 12:14pm
I slowly removed all those people who were "takers" and never equal "givers"....sadly it left me with no close girl friends! Oh well, I'm pretty content on my own....is it me????
Yes, with my "taker" under my roof (not DH), my release has been to scribble journal entries when I run into a petty annoyance, like how he sits in "my seat" on the couch at night... the other night I even left my computer and paperwork just to the right of the seat so he'd take the hint, but he didn't. He plunked himself down with the dinner that I had gotten up from my seat to plate for HIM!
Anyway, yes, it helps to quickly jot down those annoying things to release myself from the negative feelings. I use DayOne, a great journalling app.
Yes, with my "taker" under my roof (not DH), my release has been to scribble journal entries when I run into a petty annoyance, like how he sits in "my seat" on the couch at night... the other night I even left my computer and paperwork just to the right of the seat so he'd take the hint, but he didn't. He plunked himself down with the dinner that I had gotten up from my seat to plate for HIM!
Anyway, yes, it helps to quickly jot down those annoying things to release myself from the negative feelings. I use DayOne, a great journalling app.
Couldn't you just tell him you were sitting there, and ask him to move--maybe point out the laptop? Maybe he could plate his own food from now on.
catherine
1-22-19, 12:59pm
Couldn't you just tell him you were sitting there, and ask him to move--maybe point out the laptop? Maybe he could plate his own food from now on.
I did that, and he moved and scuttled about in a daze as if he didn't know which of the other 3 seats he should sit in. It just irritates me that he truly doesn't recognize simple social cues. Another example: One time DH had to go to the hospital for a regular procedure (radio frequency ablation) in which they put him under general anesthesiology and give him pain medication to deal with recovery. He is always out of sorts for a couple of days.
Well, one was scheduled when I had to be out of town. So DH reluctantly asked BIL to take him to the outpatient surgery department. What could go wrong, right? All he had to do was drive DH to the hospital, wait, and then drive him back home.
I was in the middle of back-to-back interviews when BIL called to say that he had brought DH home, but that HE felt that HE needed to go to the hospital because now HE didn't feel well (unspecified). I told him to call Uber.
Later that day I learned that he had ASKED DH to take him to the hospital!!! Didn't he realize that we asked him to DRIVE DH because DH COULDN'T DRIVE???
With pain medication approaching its half-life, DH drove his brother to the hospital. BIL never asked DH once how he was feeling. All he did was freak out about his own situation (turns out he had very high blood pressure and he was in the hospital for two days).
Again--it's all about him.
Regarding the plating: I made him dinner because we happened to have a lot and I didn't want a lot of waste, and I was actually plating ALL of our dinners.
Teacher Terry
1-22-19, 1:41pm
I would have buried him in the backyard by now:))
I would have buried him in the backyard by now:))
:devil:
He sounds genuinely impaired; Is he ever going to be able to live alone?
Teacher Terry
1-22-19, 2:40pm
He could live in a group home.
iris lilies
1-22-19, 2:56pm
:devil:
He sounds genuinely impaired; Is he ever going to be able to live alone?
He IS genuinely impaired but likely he would not test out impaired enough to take up group home resources, and besides, he probably wouldnt agree to it. Remember, he CAN drive. Amd shop for expensive cheeses. And get super high end haircuts. He knows how to identify the fine things in life.
He could live in a group home.
Yeah, we don't know what's going to happen to him.
Sorry for the hijack.
Yeah, we don't know what's going to happen to him.
Sorry for the hijack.
Oh no worries, I enjoy when these conversations go in different directions. Puts some things in perspective (however I still am okay that I am annoyed)
Simplemind
1-22-19, 8:00pm
Zoe do you feel able to cut to the chase and talk to her about your perceptions? Sounds like there is a good explanation hiding under the behaviors. She might be too embarrassed to bring it up on her own.
iris lilies
1-23-19, 10:56am
It is rude that she didnt call when she said she would, therefore keeping you from a hike you could have done.
With people like that I tell them “call me if you are in the area and if I am available, we can meet up.” I no longer wait for them to call.
It is rude that she didnt call when she said she would, therefore keeping you from a hike you could have done.
With people like that I tell them “call me if you are in the area and if I am available, we can meet up.” I no longer wait for them to call.
I think that is a great point--I would not wait for her, either. She has been kind of inconsiderate. It's fine to acknowledge your feelings and realize she has been inconsiderate. It's also a goo idea to protect yourself from her being inconsiderate going forward.
.
catherine
1-27-19, 12:02pm
He IS genuinely impaired but likely he would not test out impaired enough to take up group home resources, and besides, he probably wouldnt agree to it. Remember, he CAN drive. Amd shop for expensive cheeses. And get super high end haircuts. He knows how to identify the fine things in life.
I'm sorry for hijack #2, ZG, but I just have to add a P.S. to this issue. You're right, IL, he has a strange sense of financial priorities.
He has had a nagging dry cough for a few weeks now, and he's having trouble sleeping. So when I mentioned going to the doctor, he says, "Well, I won't be going to the ER." I simply asked why and said that HE LET HIS OBAMACARE LAPSE! Last summer! Because he simply didn't bother to open his mail. AND once he did realize his error, he could have signed on again during open enrollment, but he didn't do that either. Now he has to wait until November unless he decides to pay through the nose for transitional health insurance.
That Obamacare saved him thousands when he was hospitalized the last time. And when he was discharged, my DH had to drag him to CVS to pick up his antihypertension meds, which are dirt cheap anyway. He was afraid he wasn't going to be able to afford them, so he decided he wasn't even going to go to the pharmacy to see how much they were. So DH forced him to go, and they actually cost him ZERO. And now he has 100% exposure to being bankrupted if he has a medical emergency.
But at least he has nice hair.
I'm sorry for hijack #2, ZG, but I just have to add a P.S. to this issue. You're right, IL, he has a strange sense of financial priorities.
He has had a nagging dry cough for a few weeks now, and he's having trouble sleeping. So when I mentioned going to the doctor, he says, "Well, I won't be going to the ER." I simply asked why and said that HE LET HIS OBAMACARE LAPSE! Last summer! Because he simply didn't bother to open his mail. AND once he did realize his error, he could have signed on again during open enrollment, but he didn't do that either. Now he has to wait until November unless he decides to pay through the nose for transitional health insurance.
That Obamacare saved him thousands when he was hospitalized the last time. And when he was discharged, my DH had to drag him to CVS to pick up his antihypertension meds, which are dirt cheap anyway. He was afraid he wasn't going to be able to afford them, so he decided he wasn't even going to go to the pharmacy how much they were. So DH forced him to go, and they actually cost him ZERO. And now he has 100% exposure to being bankrupted if he has a medical emergency.
But at least he has nice hair.
I think if I were he, I would look for a job to bring in income. Isn't he still in his 50's? There are jobs here in fast food now that are paying 11 dollars an hour and have benefits--at least I think they do! Also big box stores are hiring around here and have health benefits.
catherine
1-27-19, 12:28pm
I think if I were he, I would look for a job to bring in income. Isn't he still in his 50's? There are jobs here in fast food now that are paying 11 dollars an hour and have benefits--at least I think they do! Also big box stores are hiring around here and have health benefits.
He's 56. I talked him into getting a full-time job at Lord & Taylor a year or so ago. I told him it would be the best financial move he could make, because of the benefits. He worked for a couple of months, hated it, and quit. He'd rather collect a pittance in unemployment than try to find something better than his cart boy job. He talks about going to a vocational school to learn a skill. Sounds like a good idea in theory, but he tried that once before and he didn't do well in school. I'm afraid he'll spend a lot of money on training to be something like a medical technician and then will be competing in the market with younger, smarter people.
Convenience stores around us are hiring all the time, but he's not interested. He has never learned that in life sometimes you have to do what you have to do.
Teacher Terry
1-27-19, 12:29pm
Catherine, I have no words for what he did. I bet he won’t work until he’s broke. Wow I couldn’t deal with that.
He has never learned that in life sometimes you have to do what you have to do.
And that is unlikely to happen, until you sell your NJ house and he has to fend for himself.
Teacher Terry
1-27-19, 12:44pm
If I was living with him I would be getting rid of stuff and moving at the speed of light:))
catherine
1-27-19, 12:47pm
And that is unlikely to happen, until you sell your NJ house and he has to fend for himself.
Absolutely.
I've already directed him to mobile home communities in Florida (and even one in California). He says he doesn't want to wait until his back is against a wall, but dollars to donuts, he will.
And he won't put his inheritance in a mutual fund, either. Even though I've told him that you can put money in mutual funds that aren't retirement accounts (he's afraid of a penalty if he has to withdraw it before 59.5--even though that doesn't have to be the case). So he parks it "under the mattress" as it were in a regular bank savings account. I figure he's had an opportunity cost of $4000 so far.
Honestly, he's nice guy, and very funny--great sense of humor, but even his mother said "he's hopeless."
Teacher Terry
1-27-19, 1:06pm
I think he will try to move with you guys. If he is broke is your husband going to be able to leave him behind? You guys are in a tough spot. Although he created the situation it’s almost like you will either be the bad guy or continue to keep 2 homes. I am guessing you can’t retire without getting rid of jersey home. I almost wonder if you need to hire a professional to help you get rid of stuff on a timely basis.
This probably a crazy idea, and I'm sure everyone will think so, but Catherine, what about something like this:
https://www.zillow.com/homes/for_sale/pmf,pf_pt/mobile_type/220848644_zpid/0-60000_price/0-243_mp/globalrelevanceex_sort/46.976505,-70.098267,43.040791,-77.129517_rect/6_zm/?
It's lovely, in Colchester, 33000, with an HOA of 460 a month. Would that be doable, so he could be independent but still near family?
Teacher Terry
1-27-19, 1:34pm
Tybee is that in Vermont by Catherine?
Yes, it is. I know most folks will think that is insane, but it might provide him a way to be independent but still around family.
I don't know if he could afford it, of course.
ETA: My thought is he could rent out to a roommate, to help him with expenses, as it is 2 bedrooms.
iris lilies
1-27-19, 1:43pm
We can float all kinds of ideas, but until it is clear what boundaries Catherine’s husband will draw in his relationship with his brother, it’s a waste of breath.
Thanks, Tybee, but he has expressed no interest in moving to VT (too cold--not enough sun). Surely, if he were out on his own and ran into a financial crisis, he'd move up there in a heartbeat if it made his life easier. That mobile home is great, but I still think he's better off where he can find year-round employment at a golf course. It's what he's done for years, and at least he'd get tips.
She lives fairly far away, like 45 minutes, and comes to my area on a regular basis. We have met for writing dates in an in between area and she is very considerate about my time. However she also never comes to my place. She has been visiting her dad close to me every Saturday but has never taken me on the offer to come to tea. So it rather balances out. But today she had a dentist appointment very close to me, and she said she was going to call, then a couple hours later I texted her and she had gone home but invited me over. No reference to our plans. I passed on going all the way up to her house.
This paragraph would lead me to think that she is very uncomfortable at your place. She might be exhausted from visiting her father and was in pain from the dentist, but I would assume she didn't want to be at you place if she is willing to meet somewhere else and not specifically at your home. Have you asked her why she won't come to tea?
Zoe Girl rents a room. I'm thinking that perhaps that is why friend doesn't want to come to her place for tea.
Zoe Girl rents a room. I'm thinking that perhaps that is why friend doesn't want to come to her place for tea.
We actually both have roommate situations. This has actually been going on for awhile, I used to stop by her place because it was close to work and she was recovering from surgery. I had a nice apartment but she really never came over. However she also didn't say she would. Same with the visits to her father, she made vague suggestions about calling me but didn't. I honestly don't have a problem with that although I really like it when people come over to my place. It is obvious she is not comfortable in many places besides her own place, so I will just stop believing she will call when she says she will.
We actually both have roommate situations. This has actually been going on for awhile, I used to stop by her place because it was close to work and she was recovering from surgery. I had a nice apartment but she really never came over. However she also didn't say she would. Same with the visits to her father, she made vague suggestions about calling me but didn't. I honestly don't have a problem with that although I really like it when people come over to my place. It is obvious she is not comfortable in many places besides her own place, so I will just stop believing she will call when she says she will.
If she is not comfortable in many places outside of her own place, she may well have an anxiety disorder. Lots of people do. Another reason not to let her be, and not to expect the friendship will go as you want it to--sounds like she struggles with social expectations.
[QUOTE=Tybee;319855--sounds like she struggles with social expectations.[/QUOTE]
Hmm, I like the way you put that. She has not lived with other people as an adult as far as I can tell. She has a high need to have things a very specific way, but she is not very aware that others also would like to have things the way they are comfortable. I definitely gave this a lot of space when she was recovering from back surgery. I know she still deals with pain so we often have to change or cancel plans. It took a long time to get annoyed, realize that I have some needs here too. I set up my life so I get out of the house every day, if I can't be around a person then I go to nature. So anyway shifting my expectations,
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