View Full Version : assistant has been off for 2 weeks, not sure I miss him
I actually really like my assistant however I am not sure how excited I am to have him come back. He has 2 weeks off for his twins and that is great, but I am realizing some of the tension. Basically it is a bit of a power issue, and he has had that with others before I came along. He will make announcements to the group without working with me first. I have talked to him about it, I has improved but things are slow with him. I have seen some improvement in areas. He used to pick up for the kids then get mad and take away toys from anyone. I told him that it is a last resort and all the staff needs to be aware of who is playing with what and teach them to clean up. I keep up with this topic, and his frustration with them has gotten better. Another time I got a large puzzle and made a board for kids to work on it and he just questioned the crap out of it. I actually went shopping with the other director we work with and it was his idea. When it gets to discussion topics he has said 'well it is your program', not very team player. Upper management is aware and has not promoted him twice at this point.
So 2 things make me nervous to have him come back, one is that before he left he said that he considers us all equal, me and the other director we share camps with and him. Actually no, I do outrank him. Then yesterday one of my staff told the kids that a rule still stands even if Mr J is not there. It sounded like I was not in charge (btw I made that rule). The concerns me about her perception of things. I know that my softer style can be mistaken as weakness while a harsher style is perceived as tough. I know I am just as firm, but the perception of it is important.
I may have some power issues and team building to do when he gets back.
I'm not sure I'm following the dynamic here: I'm hearing resentment that he considers himself an equal, resentment that he makes announcements but then I'm also hearing resentment when he defers to you and says "its your program". So you don't want him to make any decisions on his own, but you also don't like when he follows your lead? Or is the expectation that he exercises no agency AND be enthusiastic about your ideas as well?
I can sympathize with your predicament. I started working in an office at a very young age and eventually became a supervisor over people twice my age that had half the senority I had. A few of them just couldn't bring themselves to be supervised by someone younger and it caused quite a bit of trouble. You had a golden opportunity to teach him when he said that he considered everyone his equal. I would not have hesitated to say, "No, you are not my equal, you are my assistant. Learn your place or you will not have one here." because I can guarantee you that he would do the same to you if the roles were reversed. You can't be soft with usurpers, especially if other people are starting to notice that you lost control to them. If I were in your shoes, I would correct him the very next time he overstepped, and continue to do so until he got the message.
Herb, i am frustrated but i dont think resentful. We work closely and supervise a large group of kids. So before announcing new rules to the entire program it is standard to let the team know so we can be united. We have set up time every day where we talk as a team. Then while we are doing announcements he will say that a certain game is put away for a week. Huh?
I talk to them about major rule or procedure changes during set up, it is almost always stating something and checking for feedback. So I may say I think the craft table would work better another way, ask for input and at that point hear 'it is your program'. In that context it is frustrating.
I think the resentful comment was about how he can be resentful about cleaning up at the end of the day. I have seen progress there by coaching him to not clean it all himself. I literally have walked over and told him to direct the kids instead of doing it for them. That seems to be helping.
Good point about the usurpers. I was a manager the first time at 18, and over my peers. I have had great teams that really like me. However after so long in one district i forgot about starting from scratch
mschrisgo2
1-26-19, 2:25pm
"well, it is your program" sounds passive aggressive to me, and I would not want to hear it if I were in your position. I would call him on it, tell him how it sounds, and ask him to clarify his intention. It sounds like he may have another idea that he thinks would work better, but is not discussing it in a mature way. Challenge him to step into greater maturity in communication.
Update, the main office staff came to observe him to see if he is ready to go sub at other programs, They watched him do attendance and manage the group transition and I just stepped back. I had him do it the day before also because I am doing next year registration for over 100 families so I would get interrupted too much. The supervisor watched and gave him feedback, and I asked him how it went. He said good and then had the cocky attitude, said he didnt know why he had to observed and of course he would do well. He also keeps saying he doesn't know why it has to be only me doing registration. This was a supervisor decision for all sites so that there wouldn't be any mistakes, not a decision on his ability. There are things I need to check in on or don't have the authority on in this job that I had in my last job. It doesn't matter if I have a masters, I am new here.
It seems like a bad attitude for someone here less than a year, and to say to who outranks him. Of course he doesn't really think I outrank him so I am working on that, he was out for a funeral when I had planned on talking to him.Meanwhile he does have things to grow in.
I was thinking I hope I didn't act like this at my last job over the years. I know there were times that I may have, like when someone was referring to an educational topic and they had years to know me and that I had a degree in that. I just don't recall having this tone or attitude.
I would stop wasting emotional energy on analyzing his feelings and opinions and attitudes. Who cares. If he does the tasks related to his job, that’s all you need.
As a boss, I’m careful to stay with the facts. If an employee looks at me funny and I think it has to do with disrespect - there’s not a damn thing I can do about it. So why even give it brain space.
I have plenty to do just managing their actions. And that’s the only actionable item with Human Resources anyway. What they say and do. Not what they think or feel.
iris lilies
2-21-19, 10:16am
I would stop wasting emotional energy on analyzing his feelings and opinions and attitudes. Who cares. If he does the tasks related to his job, that’s all you need.
As a boss, I’m careful to stay with the facts. If an employee looks at me funny and I think it has to do with disrespect - there’s not a damn thing I can do about it. So why even give it brain space.
I have plenty to do just managing their actions. And that’s the only actionable item with Human Resources anyway. What they say and do. Not what they think or feel.
And this is why you are an excellent manager!
Yes, his actions are telling me over and over he doesn't agree with the department, questioning decisions I make and not being totally prepared to my quality standards in one area. The quality thing I am dealing with and coaching him. The attitude is something to address, yesterday I called him a grumpy old man in joking around. It just seems that some of this will be ongoing and some quickly addressed, such as how I am responsible for the overall program more than him.
iris lilies
2-21-19, 12:24pm
zoe, you said:
”...he doesn’t agree with the department...”
and
“...The attitude is something to address, yesterday I called him a grumpy old man...
———————————————————————————————————————-
Quotes above are are what I want to address.
Zoe, He doesn’t have to “agree” with you or your department. Do you understand that? You cannot crawl into the hearts and minds of a human and change them, you do not have that power, it’s not practical, listen to Tammy.
As a manager you must be very careful and very practical when addressing an attitude problem. You as the manager have to put the employee’s performance in actionable terms. You could say things like:
”Employee, your argumentative discussions take up time we do not have. Please focus on our tasks at hand.”
”Employee, your expressions of unhappiness/sarcasm/bossiness affect other employees and the kids here. I expect you to be pleasant with all people and represent our program in a positive way.”
” Employee, I will make time with you to discuss your objections and concerns, but now it’s not the time. “ And then make that time, but don’t do it over and over. Give him a hearing and then you are done because —You have limited time. He doesn’t get all of your attention.
It is obvious that this is an employee who will not do well in his current situation but until he falls below standards you have set, you may not fire him. Also, I would never joke with problem employees as you did. He could take your words directly to HR for calling him a grumpy old man —name calling—because that is what you called him. HR will never know your tone.
Oh, yes. Never joke like that with an employee. You could have HR jump down your throat for something that to you may have seemed joking and trivial. My husband once called two women in his office (not subordinates) Thelma and Louise. It was a joke and he is a very caring person who would give everyone a chance. He has managed large numbers of people containing all genders, orientations and disabilities. But these two peers just hit him wrong one to many times. They ran to HR and hubby was called on the carpet for creating a hostile environment. He was very hurt and it affected many of his relationships for a long time.
I agree with Tammy and Iris Lilies.
Thank you for pointing that out, i honestly never thought about it.
I had the talk with him before he left tonight. Today was just more negative than usual. I focused more on us working together and how that has been more negative with specific examples. Basically questioning a lot of what I do at times during program we can't talk about it so it is just a negative almost passive aggressive move. I told him that we needed to talk about these things at the end of the day and agree, and there are many things we wont agree on. I didnt soft pedal it really, that is hard. Direct seemed the best. He ended up saying it wasn't me, it is his own issue and life stress. I appreciated that, and said we have to do these check ins on a regular basis.
One thing I shared was that I am sick of being called nice, such Ms. ZG is nice, she lets you have tape. I hear I am too nice a lot, but I am not a doormat. I make decisions with the kids, think about it first, then don't keep explaining or lecturing but just stick to it. They dont keep asking so it is effective. But I also think about how I would want my own child to be treated. Is what they are asking for reasonable and I am just grumpy about it, or does it need to be addressed.
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