View Full Version : Not sure what to do - Husband passed away
My husband passed away suddenly in Oct. It has been overwhelming the emotions that have surfaced but that is for another subject. He was a "collector" to put it nicely. Not quite a hoarder (because I wouldn't let him) but pretty darn close. He had bags of broken pens and pencils we had carried around for years and a bottle of Carmel air (little beach town in Calif.) and Bugs Bunny Pez containers and binders and binders of notes he had taken. 8 old computers and etc. and you all get my drift I am pretty sure. Very funny, loving, kind, intelligent, well spoken man but irresponsible and a "collector". We fought many many years about his "stuff". I like things clutter free and I hate boxes of old things lurking in dark corners and in the garage. I want freedom to breathe and not feel a lot of stuff hanging over me. So when he passed away I started in on throwing out and donating a lot of his things. He had over 20 suits. He had a really good library of theological and apologetic books I was able to donate to a pastor from Ruanda that was starting a church. And he was thrilled. So I was really happy about that. Okay, sorry I tend to ramble, I will try to reel it back in as to what my original question was meant to be. My question is what have you done about a loved one's treasures that were important memories such as trophies, awards, certificates, diplomas, etc. I know I will never display them, but I know he treasured them. I could take photos of them and save them online but that seems silly to me also. I know I would never look at them. How can a person's lifetime of achievements be thrown out but why haul them around and store them when you know you will never look at them. But it was a big part of his life. My son has already taken the few things he wanted and doesn't want any more. Do any of you have any suggestions on what you have done with things like this? It feels cold and callous to dump them but I will be moving to a smaller place and I don't like storing items I won't use, but emotionally I feel guilty. So I am open and grateful to any of you that have any suggestions.
Chicken lady
2-9-19, 11:42am
We gave a lot of my kids’ old swimming trophies to a local swim team. They were able to have the plate on the bottom changed locally for much less than the cost of new trophies and reuse them for new swimmers. My kids felt good about helping to support a sport that had supported them. You might want to check with local organizations if that seems like a possibility for any of your husband’s awards.
So sorry for your loss. It is hard. You have been wise in giving family members who may wish some items their choice that you don't want. That gives you some direction that while it had value for your DH, it no longer does for you and your family. We do that routinely in our lives so that is normal choice.
I found that I discarded my late DH's items in stages. Some took longer than others. What helped me sort things out was when I moved and had to decide what awards, mementos of my own to discard. We had also kept a history of every property we owned that I loved, etc. When I actually looked at them, I felt grateful for the experience that came with it and then let go. I did the same with DH's key awards, etc.
I made a simple office folder for both of us that includes photos of some items, some history of our life and written awards, grad pictures etc. The small items like pins, pocket knives, his collection of reading glasses, currency collection (he collected paper money when coins replaced them) took some time to sort through so I put them all in one drawer of his bureau. I finally went through it all 5 years after his passing.
We discarded his ashes in his favourite place in our woodlot and that box (shoebox size) now contains the sympathy cards, accolades and items that I treasure.
So six years later, I have a sense of a new life with purpose, direction and a new home. It has taken that long so may I suggest that you take as long as you need to work through the mental and emotional stuff. The physical stuff of the past is easier to discard when you have your future to work towards. As I typed this, I realized that it is somewhat similar to other big changes in our lives. We didn't stay teenagers forever but looked forward to the next step taking very little of the past with us.
Sending you hugs as you journey on.
What helped the most was finally coming to terms with the fact that I was not discarding so much as building a life for today. I would then ask myself, " Do I need this today and/or for tomorrow?".
Corkym, I'm sorry you are going through this. Everything Razz said....and she's been there could help. Be kind to yourself and know that the decisions you make are all steps forward.
Like Razz, I peeled the onion by layers. Some things I wanted to hold on to in the fresh stages of grief. As time has gone on I have been able to release them. I am down to just a few items that meant a lot in the previous life and comfortably fits in the new.
I'm so sorry, corkym.
Your husband's lifetime of achievements is not being thrown out as you dispose of items. Your marriage, the children you raised, the success you have had in life so far -- none of those are erased by giving away or tossing items which have no use for you. They are just symbols of the life he led. Giving his old trophies so some new ball players can participate in sports and win a trophy does not diminish your DH's prowess. Along those same lines, if some sort of natural disaster occcurred even while both of you were alive and you had mere minutes to get out of the house, not saving that printed diploma does not take away DH's education or intelligence. We here have largely internalized that "we are not our stuff". Your husband is not, either. He lives on in memory regardless of what physical notations exist. Keep what you'd like and do not feel bad about disposing of the rest responsibly.
All of you have given such great advice, and things to think about. Thank you so much. I had not thought about if there was a natural disaster what would I take. That makes those things seem not quite as important to save in my mind. It helps me to prioritize what is important to keep. Thanks for that Steve. And Razz different things you said really resonated. I really like what you said about using his ashes box to store in sympathy cards and other such items. That is such a great idea. And so is the office folder. And questioning oneself "Do I need this today and /or for tomorrow?"
Thank you so much Simplemind. I think you are right, it is peeling an onion by layers. My thoughts and feelings keep changing just during these last short 4 months. As time goes on it will be all so different the way I feel.
Thank you for the encouragement nswef. I like that "the decisions you make are all steps forward." That helps me to see I am not going backwards, because it sure seems like it some days...
Chicken lady - What a terrific idea! I would never have thought of doing that. Thanks, I will think about a way of reusing some of his things. That is so creative to come of with that :)
Teacher Terry
2-9-19, 5:05pm
I agree with everyone’s advice. We are not our stuff. I am so sorry for you.
I am so sorry for your loss. Everyone has given good advice. Sending you a big hug. (((((((((((((((((corkym))))))))))))))))))))
I am so sorry for your loss and can only imagine your emotions through being with my sister. My oldest sister lost her husband tragically 11y ago today.....
She didn't want to make decisions alone. I flew to her every 5w for 7 months and then quarterly for another year. Each visit she had amassed a segment of their home she wanted help with.
Is there someone who can be with you who will offer your support and NOT tell you what to do?
One box was labeled "keep forever". In this went items that she was emotionally attached to. She would tell you that you do not need to keep what was valued by him and not you. You have the memories or perhaps you didn't even care about some of those items. It's all OK.
She tells me that what helped her the most is when I said "there are no do-overs". If you're not sure, keep it awhile longer. Look at it next time. Don't rush yourself. Clearing out a lifetime in 6 months is not mandatory.
Be kind to yourself. Take care of yourself.
Thank you Teacher Terry. Yes, that is so very true, we are not our stuff. The more I get rid of, the more I realize this statement.
Thank you so much Gardner. I like the idea of keeping one box "forever" and also not having to keep things that were valued by him and not me. His bottle of "Carmel air" was the first thing I threw out....lol. Not sure why those kind of things such as the Bugs Bunny Pez container, Gumby and bags of broken pens and pencils, etc. irritated me but they did. I have taken at least 4 van loads of things to the thrift store and filled 2 large city curb
side trash cans. And each time I do I feel so much lighter. Interestingly enough, 2 of our 4 cats died within a few months of when he died. They were both 18 and we had them for about 15 years so that was hard also, but in a way it felt much freer also. I was doing so much caregiving for my husband and 2 old cats (they were having old age ailments) plus working full time it started to all come crashing down. And then unexpectedly they were all gone. I have never cried so many tears in my life or felt such emptiness, but at the same time I feel so much lighter. Hard to describe.
happystuff
2-10-19, 10:59am
My condolences on your loss. Everyone has given some great advice and suggestions. This statement in your opening post struck me: "But it was a big part of his life."
It was a big part of HIS life! That doesn't mean it has to be a big part of YOUR life. Acknowledge is accomplishments as just that... HIS accomplishments, there for you to appreciate, remember, etc - not necessarily to keep the physical reminders.
My son past many years ago and I still have two square, plastic file boxes with "stuff". I go through them every now and then, acknowledge what is there and let things go. Yes, there are still some things that are kept, but not everything.
Again I am so sorry for your loss. Remember that grieving is a process. It takes time... lots of time. And you don't have to do everything all at once.
Teacher Terry
2-10-19, 11:02am
We have had a lot of old dogs and they get to be so much work and cranky that it can be a relief once you grieve the loss. I like the idea of keeping what is meaningful from your husband. I would throw away 95% of DH’s stuff if he dies first
Sad Eyed Lady
2-10-19, 11:10am
Corkym, I am sorry that you have started this journey you never wanted to be on. I too lost my husband suddenly with no warning almost 4 years ago and I know how terribly hard it is. You are very new to this stage of life so please remember you don't have to do everything at once, or anything at all until you feel like it. But if you do want to start disposing of things I would start with the things with little or almost no meaning, such as the broken pens & pencils, old computers (if you can find a place to take them), and not get into the more personal stuff just yet. See how you feel after disposing of those things, and slowly look at other items as you can. Take care of yourself too, rest, sleep enough, eat enough and don't push yourself when you don't feel like it. It will get done.
Thank you so much Gardner. I like the idea of keeping one box "forever" and also not having to keep things that were valued by him and not me. His bottle of "Carmel air" was the first thing I threw out....lol. Not sure why those kind of things such as the Bugs Bunny Pez container, Gumby and bags of broken pens and pencils, etc. irritated me but they did. I have taken at least 4 van loads of things to the thrift store and filled 2 large city curb
side trash cans. And each time I do I feel so much lighter. Interestingly enough, 2 of our 4 cats died within a few months of when he died. They were both 18 and we had them for about 15 years so that was hard also, but in a way it felt much freer also. I was doing so much caregiving for my husband and 2 old cats (they were having old age ailments) plus working full time it started to all come crashing down. And then unexpectedly they were all gone. I have never cried so many tears in my life or felt such emptiness, but at the same time I feel so much lighter. Hard to describe.
Having walked this journey with my sister, everything you say and describe feeling makes sense to me. Please don't let anyone tell you what is "normal". If you think it or feel it, it IS normal! My sister had many bouts of anger and frustration and that's part of getting to your new normal-the life you hadn't planned to live without him.
The more you talk things out the healthier IMO. And as always, take good care of you and be KIND to yourself. You're doing really hard stuff right now in your heart, in your head and in your home.
corkym,
Adding my condolences to those already expressed here. I've never been widowed but I'm wondering if there is a support group for widows/widowers nearby that could be a comfort for you? I imagine most of the work is mental or emotional vs. physical, and it would be great to be with others who can give you some guidance along the way.
All the best to you.
iris lilies
2-10-19, 12:38pm
OP, when is your move out date? You will have to toss out most of your husband’s stuff, but if you cannot bring yourself to do that, it MIGHt be money well spent to pack up the stuff hardest to jettison and put all of that into a storage unit for a while. Once it is out of sight and mind, you will probably be able to see how useless it is. I think you are under a tight time deadline.(?)
Please be aware that everyone here has a tale of excess “stuff” belonging to other people, so while you are mired in a place of sadness with lack of clarity about his “stuff” right now, your situation is not unique. Feel what you feel, but feelings are not facts. If you feel you are dishonoring him by tossing his life’s achievements, you are not. Those achievements were important TO HIM, they are not your achievements. You have told us they are not what YOU value.
You are a separate person from him. So figure out which of his belongings will bring you solace, comfort, and even joy. What are the few things you can keep that remind you of his goodness? Keep those, dont burdon yourself with the rest.
You have written here of the long years of burdons he placed on you. I cannot for the life of me figure out why you are choosing to allow “him” (really, your own ideas) to continue the burdon. Here is your opportunity to be free. Take it.
I guess there is more to this story that happened that probably shouldn't be told on this thread, but not sure how to explain why I asked the original question. Yes, he was a burden for many years and unfortunately I couldn't see the forest for the trees until this last year when he became extremely ill. Then things started to come to light. He was always very irresponsible and I was always picking up the pieces through our whole marriage. I worked so much to keep us afloat I never stopped to see the cause of the way he acted. Everyone loved him, he was extremely kind and funny. And very well spoken. But, he just couldn't be responsible. This last year he ate a rotisserie chicken from a buy in bulk store and got food poisoning. It compromised his immune system. He had a kidney transplant. This last year was hell. He suffered in ways you can't imagine and deteriorated before our eyes. Not once did he complain though. Then it seemed he was getting better and we breathed a sigh of relief. And then just like that we got a call from the hospital saying that they were trying to resuscitate him. My son and I rushed to the hospital only to find him laying completely covered under a sheet. The shock was overwhelming. He was seeing 11 specialists this last year all of who did not know what to do and couldn't agree on anything. He was taking 46 pills a day if you can imagine the side effects from each one. And again, he still not once complained. After he died I started going through years of binders and binders of notes he had taken. He was a compulsive note taker. And games he had invented. And lyrics for songs he had written. But what was interesting is a lot of his words were so jumbled you couldn't make sense of them. My son and I started piecing things together and realized his actions and behavior were almost identical to his brother's and his mom's. We believe he had some undiagnosed genetic ADD or borderline aspergers or something along those lines. Plus taking 46 pills a day. He has impacted so many people that I was unaware of. I have had all kinds of people reaching out to me saying different things he had done for them. I was the one who did all the work through the years and grew bitter and didn't stop to try to figure out what was going on with him. And then I started going through old Bibles and books of his. One day I was feeling especially guilty and I picked up one of his old Bibles and I was crying. The Bible was highlighted with notes all over it and the pages were falling out he had used it so much. As I was crying a little piece of paper fell out onto the ground. And it was dated Jan 1999. And it was thanking me for all I had done for him. I have been finding all kinds of little things like that around the house. He would take these little matchboxes and put an encouraging Bible verse in them and hide it so I would find them. And I have been. I found an old goal sheet of his and his #1 goal was to "make it easier for Bunny" (his nickname for me) And wow, I am sooooo very sorry this is so long but that is the background of why I am having a hard time deciding on what to let go and what to keep. But I agree with all of you. It is time to let go. And yes, there is a lot of freedom it letting go not only of the material things but of all the guilt......Thank you Everyone, you have all been so kind to me and have given me much of your wisdom.
Not sure why my responses aren't posting directly under each of your posts. I must be doing something wrong. I keep clicking on Post Quick Reply
happystuff - I think that would be the hardest thing to go through in life - to lose a child. That is something I would never get over. I am so sorry. I think that is what I will be doing is get one box and put things in it I am not sure about and will hold on to it until I can let it go. One box won't take up much room. I have already donated and thrown out all kinds of things, so one small box shouldn't matter.
iris lilies
2-11-19, 11:26am
Your husband sounds like a very intetesting guy.
Very complex.....hahaha Me on the other hand very slow thinking and a plodder like a turtle :) It takes me a while to catch on to things....sigh
catherine
2-11-19, 11:52am
I am so sorry for your loss. It is hard not to feel resentful when it's your job 24/7 to be the responsible one, but it sounds like you fully appreciated his good qualities. And he was thankful for all the things you brought to the marriage.
I would echo what everyone else said--take as much time as you need. Don't force anything.
Teacher Terry
2-11-19, 11:58am
Relationships are complicated and a death brings up so many feelings. I think we expect too much of ourselves and then feel guilty when we can’t be superwoman. Be kind to yourself.
I'm so sorry, corkym.
Your husband's lifetime of achievements is not being thrown out as you dispose of items. Your marriage, the children you raised, the success you have had in life so far -- none of those are erased by giving away or tossing items which have no use for you. They are just symbols of the life he led. Giving his old trophies so some new ball players can participate in sports and win a trophy does not diminish your DH's prowess. Along those same lines, if some sort of natural disaster occcurred even while both of you were alive and you had mere minutes to get out of the house, not saving that printed diploma does not take away DH's education or intelligence. We here have largely internalized that "we are not our stuff". Your husband is not, either. He lives on in memory regardless of what physical notations exist. Keep what you'd like and do not feel bad about disposing of the rest responsibly.
Well said, Steve.
Simplemind
2-11-19, 2:43pm
I was reading an article on grief and guilt and one sentence really resonated with me - Feeling guilty is not the same as being guilty. I let that sink in. So simple and so true. Feelings are neither right nor wrong, true or false. I have felt guilt but if I went back in time there is very little I would change. I yearn for a different scenario but I did the best that I could with the hand I was dealt and the level of understanding I had in the moment.
First off, I am sorry for your loss.
I also want to highlight what Steve said, he said it so well.
I am so sorry for your loss.
One thing that I find helpful with emotional "stuff" that is left over is to burn it in my burn barrel, while praying for peace and love for the other person. I ask that the hurt be taken away and that we all find peace. I figure that we cremate our loved ones bodies, and this is not really that different.
But it is hard to sort it out an figure what to keep, for sure.
But you are only one person, and you cannot be expected to to carry someone else's turtle shell on top of your own, to use your metaphor.
Thank you Tybee, what a great idea! I know I have a lot of my own things I need to "burn" and pray over also. Yes, it's time to let the other turtle shell go and start trying to maintain my own.
I was reading an article on grief and guilt and one sentence really resonated with me - Feeling guilty is not the same as being guilty. I let that sink in. So simple and so true. Feelings are neither right nor wrong, true or false. I have felt guilt but if I went back in time there is very little I would change. I yearn for a different scenario but I did the best that I could with the hand I was dealt and the level of understanding I had in the moment.
I'm not sure if I am posting this correctly. I mean for it to go under Simplemind's post.
I love that quote "Feeling guilty is not the same as being guilty." I think that is a lot of my problem - I feel guilty over things that I really couldn't change. Thank you for bringing that to my attention. In fact my son had asked that of me the other day. He said "really mom, would dad have changed if you had done something different?". He and I both knew that no he wouldn't have changed. We both love him more than words can say but there were some things we don't even think he could have changed with all the meds he was taking with the side effects and a possible asperger's or learning disability. I guess the one thing that could have been changed is we should have been aware enough to have him tested and then work with that.
CorkyM, I am so very sorry for your loss! I lost my husband in October also. He had been sick for about three years with a lung disease that we were told was caused by heart disease . Towards the end a lung doctor let us know it wasn't anything to do with heart disease it was asbestos exposure from working in the mill for 43 years . This actually made my husband feel somewhat better as he'd always been a physical fitness nut and had never expected to have lung problems.
I totally agree with simplemind about feeling guilty isn't the same as being guilty. I think being raised Catholic I feel guilty for a lot of things that I shouldn't.
It is hard to decide what to get rid of though. The hardest thing for me are the 50 years of exercise journals and eating journals that he kept. Because inside that are little notes about what's going on in our lives. So I filled two drawers in his dresser with notebooks. My husband's oldest son who is a little older than me came and helped me go through his clothes. My husband was a competitive pistol shooter and in the upstairs of our house we had one bedroom and one gun room. The ammo and other gun paraphernalia filled the room . We also had a reloading bench in our living room and a gun cabinet and two bookcases and 2 safes. I got a hold of one of the guys in the pistol club and gave away everything but the guns. His son inherited those and a few things he kept from the reloading equipment . It would've taken me years to decide about all of this . His son made it clear you can't sell reloaded ammo for liability reasons . The one friend is going to redistribute some of the stuff to new shooters like extra boxes and magazines and holsters etc. Within the week that my stepson was here we got rid of most of the stuff that needed to go . It was such a blessing ! But while we were going through the clothes I kept stashing stuff to look at later . His son was going so fast. And I'm glad I did . Most of the stuff actually did go to Goodwill later but a few things I'm glad I kept . And the clothing wasn't the hard part . The rest of the kids took things that were important to them. I've been going through old cards and letters that he saved and returning them to the kids .My dh wrote me a note every morning which I saved . I've been putting them in better order and I read a few everyday .
I have a large family so they don't let me feel lonely too often . And my husband's family have been wonderful and call and write regularly . But oh how I miss him !
Simplemind
2-16-19, 2:10pm
Oh Debbie...… how lovely that he wrote you a note every morning. Lots of treasures in those journals and notebooks as well.
Thank you simplemind! He really was a sweetie!
rosarugosa
2-16-19, 6:27pm
Debbie and Corky: I'm so sorry for your losses.
I am so very sorry for your loss! I lost my husband in October also. He had been sick for about three years with a lung disease that we were told was caused by heart disease . Towards the end a lung doctor let us know it wasn't anything to do with heart disease it was asbestos exposure from working in the mill for 43 years . This actually made my husband feel somewhat better as he'd always been a physical fitness nut and had never expected to have lung problems.
I totally agree with simplemind about feeling guilty isn't the same as being guilty. I think being raised Catholic I feel guilty for a lot of things that I shouldn't.
It is hard to decide what to get rid of though. The hardest thing for me are the 50 years of exercise journals and eating journals that he kept. Because inside that are little notes about what's going on in our lives. So I filled two drawers in his dresser with notebooks. My husband's oldest son who is a little older than me came and helped me go through his clothes. My husband was a competitive pistol shooter and in the upstairs of our house we had one bedroom and one gun room. The ammo and other gun paraphernalia filled the room . We also had a reloading bench in our living room and a gun cabinet and two bookcases and 2 safes. I got a hold of one of the guys in the pistol club and gave away everything but the guns. His son inherited those and a few things he kept from the reloading equipment . It would've taken me years to decide about all of this . His son made it clear you can't sell reloaded ammo for liability reasons . The one friend is going to redistribute some of the stuff to new shooters like extra boxes and magazines and holsters etc. Within the week that my stepson was here we got rid of most of the stuff that needed to go . It was such a blessing ! But while we were going through the clothes I kept stashing stuff to look at later . His son was going so fast. And I'm glad I did . Most of the stuff actually did go to Goodwill later but a few things I'm glad I kept . And the clothing wasn't the hard part . The rest of the kids took things that were important to them. I've been going through old cards and letters that he saved and returning them to the kids .My dh wrote me a note every morning which I saved . I've been putting them in better order and I read a few everyday .
I have a large family so they don't let me feel lonely too often . And my husband's family have been wonderful and call and write regularly . But oh how I miss him ![/QUOTE]
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