View Full Version : Memorial Service By Invitation Only
mschrisgo2
2-20-19, 2:50am
Is this really a "thing" now? Are other people experiencing this too?
My daughter (now 42) and I have been part of a large extended family by second marriage for many years, in fact, since she was 3 years old. Now the elders are passing away. We have just experienced the third, in 8 months, "Memorial Service by Invitation Only" and again we were not invited.
This woman was very kind to my daughter and they had a really neat friendship all these years. When we heard how the memorial service was being handled, Daughter wrote and mailed lovely condolence notes to both of her daughters (no mention of the service).
She called me tonight and said both notes were returned to her! Both had been opened, and "Return to Sender" was written on the envelopes, and it looked like the same person had written on both of them, even though they live in different towns.
Daughter is hurt and confused. I am flabbergasted.
Insights?
Apparently this is more common: http://foxandweeks.com/etiquette-in-responding-to-a-private-funeral/
No one knows what is in anyone else's heart. I would just accept and move on. Remember your friend with your daughter and perhaps have your own memory time.
I do find it odd the notes were returned after they were opened.
I’m sorry this happened. Someone has a grudge.
Memorial services that are by invitation only are quite common, and are preferred by some people because it keeps it more personal, with just family and close friends in attendance. However if you and your daughter considered yourselves both to the deceased, I can see being hurt that you weren't invited. The returning of condolence cards (especially after opening them) certainly indicates hard feelings, and unfortunately you will probably never know why.
Teacher Terry
2-20-19, 8:50am
I have never heard of this. So sorry this happened.
iris lilies
2-20-19, 8:57am
Private funeral services are not entirely unusual around here, but they are not commn.
The person who handled your daughter’s letters to return them has a grudge. That is too bad.
Sad Eyed Lady
2-20-19, 9:54am
Where I live I have noticed more and more the obituary saying "all services are private". Not quite the same thing but still a change from any and everyone coming.
I am noticing this as well. A friend of mine had private services for both her mother and nephew. In my workplace, I am usually the person who gets notified when someone in the department has a death in the family. I handle any flowers, cards, etc. plus will give out any information for visitations/funerals to the department provided I have specific permission to do so. In the last few years, there's been instances where the coworker has specified that services are private, in fact I had such a situation a couple of weeks ago. I have had some people take offense when they inquire because they want to attend and find out it's private, but I always tell them it's obviously the family's wish for reasons that are their own and to respect it. In these cases we give a card that is presented to the coworker when he/she returns.
To the OP, I am sorry this happened. Agree that having the cards returned after being opened is odd.
catherine
2-20-19, 11:23am
Huh... I haven't seen memorials by invite only. I think of that as for celebrities, not for "regular people."
And who knows why the card was returned??!! Definitely there's more to that story, but it's a shame your daughter is in the dark. Maybe the "cousins" were irrationally jealous of the relationship between your daughter and their mother? Who knows.
Maybe this trend is based on financial reasons? Funeral/memorial "parties" can be pretty pricey.
I’ve noticed an uptick in the lack of a funeral service at all. No visitation, no service.
Our family does not hold any funeral services. No visitation and cremation is preferred. We are all located all over the country. My brother did decide to have mom and dad's ashes put in a niche overlooking a sister's grave in the state they lived in most of their lives. I liked that idea but it was only his need. My immediate family has decided the same thing. After mother in law had so many issues with the funerals of her mother/father, she decided that dad's ashes would be mixed with hers. Not sure what she wants us to do with the ashes.
However, it is very much a personal/family decision. I would never be critical of someone's decisions regarding their own family.
Our family does not hold any funeral services. No visitation and cremation is preferred. We are all located all over the country. My brother did decide to have mom and dad's ashes put in a niche overlooking a sister's grave in the state they lived in most of their lives. I liked that idea but it was only his need. My immediate family has decided the same thing. After mother in law had so many issues with the funerals of her mother/father, she decided that dad's ashes would be mixed with hers. Not sure what she wants us to do with the ashes.
However, it is very much a personal/family decision. I would never be critical of someone's decisions regarding their own family.
This is true for me as well. DH and I had discussed years ago our wish for our remains. Cremation and scattering of ashes wherever it seems appropriate.
Years ago, the funerals were large and the supporters were crowds. Some families still choose this approach, others don't. To the OP, I am so sorry that unkindness intruded.
Simplemind
2-21-19, 2:35pm
I can't help but feeling that the choice of words "By invitation only" is a passive aggressive move. Saying that the services are private is ultimately the same thing but doesn't speak to pointed exclusion.
ToomuchStuff
2-22-19, 10:38am
Seen it due to size, and attended one for a celeb friends grandfather.
Then know of some due to jealousy,misunderstanding the relationship from a kid of the passed person.
iris lilies
2-22-19, 10:58am
JI think the funeral or memorial service I would plan today is different than what I would plan 20 years from now. Right now, today – I would use the local funeral home in our neighborhood and would have some sort of service because we still have a lot of friends and acquaintances here and I think they would like that closure.
But when I am older and if we have moved away from this neighborhood, I can’t see that a service would be necessary because we wouldn’t know very many people.
Here is the most interesting and charming tradition in Hermann: The funeral homes print up little cards with a brief obituary and a picture of the deceased and those cards are distributed to major businesses, banks, the library etc. I guess that is how they spread the word in a small town that does not have Nextdoor and the newspaper is printed once a week.
dado potato
2-22-19, 11:53am
Memorials and funerals can open old wounds in families with a history of estrangement. I find it sad that so many estrangements occur. A parent entering into the end of life may view his/her situation as "one last chance" to attempt a reconciliation with an estranged adult child. (Sometimes a reconciliation happens, sometimes not... resulting in a deep drink of the dregs of bitterness for the dying parent.)
In that sort of scenario, I think I can empathize with the "intact family" of the deceased holding ceremonies by invitation only.
I note that among people who live to be very old, the obituary often reads: "in accordance with the wishes of the deceased, there will be no funeral or memorial service".
I have also known a few folks who think a lot about how their funeral service will go... and how their children will feel when they have passed away. I am puzzled by this.
When I am dead I can have no regrets. You could have regrets, still being alive! -Unknown
This woman was very kind to my daughter and they had a really neat friendship all these years. When we heard how the memorial service was being handled, Daughter wrote and mailed lovely condolence notes to both of her daughters (no mention of the service).
She called me tonight and said both notes were returned to her! Both had been opened, and "Return to Sender" was written on the envelopes, and it looked like the same person had written on both of them, even though they live in different towns.
Insights?
How rude. I'd tell your daughter to write a letter to the deceased (who was kind to her) and burn the letter ceremonially...and never speak of it again.
catherine
2-22-19, 12:50pm
This is true for me as well. DH and I had discussed years ago our wish for our remains. Cremation and scattering of ashes wherever it seems appropriate.
One of the reasons I'm opting for cremation is that I've seen traditional burials incur guilt in family members who don't visit graves. Namely, DH is an example. MIL used to go to the family plot every holiday and bring flowers of the season. She's been dead almost 10 years now (hardly seems possible) and given that we live an hour and half away, and we have no need to go to Westchester County anymore, he has only been once to "visit" his mother's grave--and oddly, the one time we went, he refused to park the car and walk to the gravesite. We simply drove past.
I don't want my kids to wrestle with those kinds of emotions. I think of my body as merely a "mortal coil" that means nothing when my spirit has departed. And I'll leave it up to them as to how they want to proceed with memorials/funerals, etc. (Although I'm happy to make suggestions :)
iris lilies
2-23-19, 11:11am
One of the reasons I'm opting for cremation is that I've seen traditional burials incur guilt in family members who don't visit graves. Namely, DH is an example. MIL used to go to the family plot every holiday and bring flowers of the season. She's been dead almost 10 years now (hardly seems possible) and given that we live an hour and half away, and we have no need to go to Westchester County anymore, he has only been once to "visit" his mother's grave--and oddly, the one time we went, he refused to park the car and walk to the gravesite. We simply drove past.
I don't want my kids to wrestle with those kinds of emotions. I think of my body as merely a "mortal coil" that means nothing when my spirit has departed. And I'll leave it up to them as to how they want to proceed with memorials/funerals, etc. (Although I'm happy to make suggestions :)
That is a very good point, not setting up something for kids to feels guilty about.
Since I am absent the Catholic upbringing, I don’t have a constant sense of guilt about everything. I have appropriate guilt about things I have done wrong. When my dad died my immediate emotional reaction was: it would be nice to have “a place “to visit to remember him, but I wasn’t married to that idea. Since my mom was on board about a cemetery plot for him, it worked well. In 25 years I’ve probably visited that grave twice. While it is out of state I do often go through my hometown I just do not make the grave visit, But I do not feel guilty about it! I know that he would not care!
With my mother who is buried in an entirely different cemetery because she had to have the Jewish treatment, we were right by what I think was her cemetery last year and I remarked to DH “is that my mom’scemetery?” But he wasnt sure either. So, I’m not even sure where she is buried. I could figure it out if I had to, but my sister-in-law knows that stuff so I count on her to show me if I ever had to know.
In summary, we are not focused on where the dead reside in my family. I think that is a current trend.
I remember how shocked I was to find out that in Switzerland, dead bodies occupy the cemetery for only a decade or so and then that space is assigned to someone else. That is probably a European custom not specific to Switzerland.
I have a friend who buried her cat in a local pet cemetery, and when she got a job out of state she had that cat dug up and buried in the other state. I haven’t talk to her in depth about that because that just seems so extremely, ummmm, extreme.
catherine
2-23-19, 11:29am
That is a very good point, not setting up something for kids to feels guilty about.
Since I am absent the Catholic upbringing, I don’t have a constant sense of guilt about everything.
I remember how shocked I was to find out that in Switzerland, dead bodies occupy the cemetery for only a decade or so and then that space is assigned to someone else. That is probably a European custom not specific to Switzerland.
I have a friend who buried her cat in a local pet cemetery, and when she got a job out of state she had that cat dug up and buried in the other state. I haven’t talk to her in depth about that because that just seems so extremely, ummmm, extreme.
Well, DH is Scottish Presbyterian, and he doesn't usually feel guilty, but his mother definitely made him feel guilty throughout his life ("D'ya ken that they found a woman deed because her son never called her?")
Wow, that's an interesting approach in Switzerland--what do they do with the evicted tenant?
Re pet cemeteries--when BILs beloved dog died he wouldn't hear of having it cremated. He toured the local pet cemetery and didn't like the ambience, so he chose a pet cemetery an hour away, paid a fortune for services that only he and DH attended, and he also picked a plot on a hill. He also was planning on purchasing a headstone. For the engraving, he literally wrote a whole poem, not realizing that each letter is costly and requires a certain size of headstone. When she quoted him the price he nearly fell over but if he had money at that point (this was at the time he ran out and was freaking out about selling the house) he probably would have sprung for it. He's never once been back there to visit the dog.
iris lilies
2-23-19, 12:29pm
DH isnt sure what the Swiss do with the actual bodies, but he thinks their bodies deteriorate faster due to no vaults and other sutff. He isnt sure.
His mom was cremated, so when her ten years was up, her headstone was removed, she had to make room for the newly cremated person. DH again isnt sure what happened to her ashes, but 3 of her kids were just there to visit her grave (now not hers) in 2017. They stood around and talked about the former gravesite. Things are really crowded in this little kirkuard in this Swiss village, I mean the headstones are cheek by jowel. DH said the area for cremationis empied faster than the area for bodies because there are many more cremations.
Re pet cemeteries--when BILs beloved dog died he wouldn't hear of having it cremated.
When our dog died last fall we had her body cremated but declined the individual ashes and the urn and the pawprint and whole bit. Didn't need them. Maybe the dog wasn't beloved enough... I don't need a shrine or marker for anyone/anything that has died. I don't even generally look at the embalmed body at (human) funerals. That body is not the person I knew. So the physical markers don't do much for me.
Any burials in the UK, I was told by a former resident, must pay an annual maintenance fee for any gravesite used. When payments stop, the gravesite may be reused. I cannot remember what she said about the former occupants except that it was a long history of occupants over centuries. High density countries have some high density gravesites, it seems.
She was highly amused that her DH who had been adamant that he wanted no gravesite, just scatter the ashes; he who didn't want any plot, that as in the UK that could be reassigned at some point, suddenly advised her that he had bought their grave plots in their little community in Canada. What is there to prevent the same thing from happening at it sometime, she wondered? People are funny about death and related issues.
When our dog died last fall we had her body cremated but declined the individual ashes and the urn and the pawprint and whole bit. Didn't need them.
We had a little cherrywood box that the pet crematory gave us when our first dog died, and the ashes are still in it. It creeps my daughter out, but what creeped her out even more is the second cherry box we got when our second dog died last year. So now we have two little boxes side by side in the living room. And I didn't ask for the paw print, but I got one.
I'm pretty sure I'll declutter the house of the ashes before moving--probably in the creek behind our house where both dogs loved to sniff and play.
Among my beloved's last directives was to sneak his pets' ashes into the crypt with him, to be tucked together into his final resting place at Willamette National Cemetery. So the little rascals got a proper military burial.
iris lilies
2-23-19, 2:31pm
Among my beloved's last directives was to sneak his pets' ashes into the crypt with him, to be tucked together into his final resting place at Willamette National Cemetery. So the little rascals got a proper military burial.
That is so nice!
iris lilies
2-23-19, 2:37pm
I am like Steve, I do not keep pet remains around for long. We have our important pets cremated, keep the ashes around for a few weeks, and then scatter them. Foster dogs and short term dogs are dispensed by the vet.
The vets around here are now doing some kind of paw memorabilia at no cost. Sometimes it is an ink print on paper, sometimes a plaster footprint. I keep it around for a bit and then toss.
One of my close dog friends has all the ashes from her favorite dogs and will be buried with her, or thrown in her ash pile.
Many decades ago as an undergraduate, I wrote a paper in my Death and Dying class about human attitudes towards pet death. There is such a range of material to write about, I had to pick and choose. You can see all of the varying values here on this thread!
I know more than one person who kept dead pets in their freezer until an appropriate time for disposal. Sometimes it was a wait for the ground to soften when the pet died in the dead of winter. Umm, ok, I will admit it, that was my mother. Another person, if I remember correctly, was collecting for a group rate with the crematorium to do multiple pets.
Living in a farm, we dug a grave and buried our pets behind the barn.
"One of my close dog friends has all the ashes from her favorite dogs and will be buried with her, or thrown in her ash pile."
That's my plan.
Simplemind
2-24-19, 2:03pm
We have our dogs buried in our small orchard by the creek where they loved to play.
We had the funeral home/crematory put the ashes of my brother-in-law's dog in with my MIL. She's buried with my FIL in Leavenworth National Cemetery.
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