odd memories of breakdown

[Zoe Girl]

I remember my breakdown in fuzzy tones, layers of blankets, sleepiness and unfocused brain. I remember the chair I spent a lot of time in, the light was diffuse in the basement room I had. I ate and took medication and felt like throwing up, and went back to sleep. I didn't read, I really couldn't, I didn't talk about my problems, what was there left to talk about. I took walks or ran across the street, I couldn't figure out how to get around town and not get lost.

There is something oddly comforting about thinking about that time. Everything was just turned OFF. I was deeply healing, not agitated at all, and still doing basic care things like eating, sleeping, cleaning up,

It is just a strange feeling, and somewhat comforting to think of that time.

[iris lilies]

When I read your first paragraph I thought to myself “that is exactly what she should have done to heal so I’m glad she did that! “


I still think you should’ve caught a ride home with someone on your last day of work of your break down. Probably your auto pilot kicked in to get you home safely in the car.

Once I had an employee have a psychotic episode at work and I did not drive her home And I always feel guilty about that ‘specially since HR frowned at me. However, she did not have a car and she took a bus, so I knew she wasn’t endangering the populace at large by being behind the wheel of a large auto while her “flashing blue stars” took effect in her brain.

[Zoe Girl]

Thank you IL, it is just odd to remember. If I was every going to write something like a poem this would be the basis. Journal and other writing tends to trigger the addictive part of my brain to smoke so I have not gone there.

I did really go on automatic pilot. I know in some cases people think I am pushing too hard or have some type of issue, but I just know I can take care of myself and I do it. I once tried to drive after seriously wrenching my back and not realizing how bad it was. I got to work and then couldn't move so my coworker drove me home and I spent a week at home. I will certainly notice if someone else needs a ride because they are in that fragile state! Honestly I just wanted away from there and away from people,