View Full Version : Sad Situation
Teacher Terry
3-24-19, 8:11pm
My husband’s ex just stopped over to ask 2 big favors. Her cancer came back a year ago and it’s stage 4 and running out of options. For many years she lied about us to both kids, took him back to court repeatedly, etc. The kids are 28 and 30 and about 4 years ago she became more pleasant. She has only one friend probably because of her self centered personality. She needs someone to accompany her to a special cancer treatment center in another state and they won’t see her without someone going with her. She doesn’t want to tell their younger son because he is partway through a year long military officer training and would lose his spot. The older son is like her. I will have to go to her house twice a day to care for 3 animals I am allergic to. For various reasons they cannot be boarded. I felt so bad for her yet much of this is of her making. She was grateful.
You're better than I am. I wouldn't have done it, especially being allergic to her animals.
Teacher Terry
3-24-19, 8:25pm
I have the better end of the deal as my husband has to go with her. My asthma has been better since our big dog died and our Maltese don’t bother me. They share kids and I think sometimes you just have rise above the situation. I wish I believed in a here after because then I might be rewarded:))
iris lilies
3-24-19, 8:58pm
Thanks for caring for the animals!
Thanks for being decent human beings, TT and Mr. TT.
Teacher Terry
3-24-19, 9:05pm
I L, I am a sucker like you when animals involved. She asked a year ago if we would take the small dog when she died and I said no because I’m allergic. 17 years ago my best friend in New York was dying of the same type of cancer. When we told her we had to fly out to say goodbye she informed us it was our weekend to have the kids and couldn’t go. I said we are going. I had forgotten about this but how ironic she has the same type.
Teacher Terry
3-24-19, 9:10pm
My ex is a much better person and I would go with him in a heartbeat. This has stirred up a lot of forgotten resentments. I am proud of my husband and I also feel bad she is dying. I think sometimes I got double the empathy gene which doesn’t always serve me well.
On the one hand, it’s good of you both to help her.
On the other hand, a few times you say that you “have to” do these things. I just want to point out that you don’t have to. You could say no.
dado potato
3-24-19, 11:01pm
It appears that she needs some help... and she turned to you, because her other options were problematic. With her health in decline, it may be she needs to put past conflicts and resentments into a more conciliatory framing. It's no picnic to take care of her animals, I am sure. Is there some way to reduce the allergic reaction?
I am glad that supportive vibes have been sent your way. I'll add mine as well.
Teacher Terry
3-24-19, 11:13pm
Tammy, I know we don’t have to but I couldn’t live with myself if I didn’t. I am thankful I am not in that situation. DH not looking forward to it either but maybe it will help them heal.
Wish the world had more people like the two of you. A beautiful example of the golden rule. In this day's news of bombs, disasters, and murders, it is a refreshing story of a kind act.
Teacher Terry
3-25-19, 7:24pm
Well they leave next Tuesday and return home Friday or Saturday.? I really hope that they can extend her life as she is only 64. I bet there will be stories to tell:))
Simplemind
3-25-19, 10:42pm
Cancer has a way of changing people and their priorities. Perhaps she has had time to reflect and now realizes how important family is during times like this. She must be anxious and scared. I hope she is solid with those kids. I know I would be really unhappy not being told, no matter what I had going on in my life.
Teacher Terry
3-25-19, 11:28pm
Her youngest knows how bad she is but doesn’t know she needs someone to go to her last chance place which they will share as soon as she has her evaluation. I shared on another forum and the responses ranged from don’t do anything to how to care for her through her illness. I made it clear it’s a one time thing but people kept saying we needed to do more no matter what I said. It was bizarre.
Teacher Terry
3-26-19, 11:29pm
So she calls us tonight and says her dog sitter has a cancellation and can do all the pets. She still wants us to come Saturday to meet everyone and see how much to feed in case she goes for treatment. With the 2 of us we would be fine with that. Then we talked and realized we miss our big guy taking him for 4 mile walks, etc. But won’t have another because of my asthma. We decided together that we would like to help her big dog get socialized and learn to walk on a leash so it can get a home when she is gone. So we are going to ask if we can walk him 4xs a week since the dog is only a year old. We will just say we miss Noki.
Teacher Terry
3-31-19, 3:08pm
So interesting update. Went yesterday and found out that the oldest has been stealing her money. Took the last 37k so she is broke. Although she has a very large pension and SS. She changed her locks and will. Her psychiatrist said that he is dangerous for her and she should never have a relationship with him. They shared a bank account that only she contributed to so he had access to the money while he helped to fix her house. He has a professional job as does his husband and we kinda thought he was living beyond his means. He also hired a private investigator and was looking at declaring her incompetent. She definitely is not and the youngest asked us to testify for her if it gets that far. I will be happy if I never see that evil kid again.
Wow. That is so terrible. Hopefully the younger one can step in and help protect her. What a way to spend end days.
How sad this whole situation has turned out to be.
Simplemind
3-31-19, 8:10pm
How sharper than a serpents tooth it is to have a thankless child.
Teacher Terry
4-3-19, 3:09pm
Took them to the airport yesterday and she said she moved everything into a trust and got all her POA’s in order. So glad she was able to do that. My husband said that the people at the center are wonderful. Other patients were saying that they come alone for treatment so sounds like you only need someone to go the first time.
Teacher Terry
4-8-19, 11:41am
Update: the cancer center recommended cyber knife radiation for 12 days. She can go alone to do it and my husband can take care of her pets. Her tumor is very small right now. My husband said it was easier than he expected. I think it helped that he went with a attitude of compassion. They also called the youngest son together and told him where they were and why. He was pleased and not upset about not knowing in advance.
You guys are saints for helping her out. The kids will always appreciate your compassion for her.
Teacher Terry
4-8-19, 5:48pm
During the time they were away my anger just went away and I don’t know why. One day I realized it was gone. No effort on my part. I think it’s because her prognosis is not good and I am relieved I don’t have that. SM, thanks for the kind words.
iris lilies
4-8-19, 7:17pm
During the time they were away my anger just went away and I don’t know why. One day I realized it was gone. No effort on my part. I think it’s because her prognosis is not good and I am relieved I don’t have that. SM, thanks for the kind words.
Isnt that great? Ya just never know how things will go.
Teacher Terry
4-11-19, 9:16pm
More drama as many predictived. She texted and wants to come over but not home so tell her tomorrow. Wanted me to be on a board with her that is related to both our fields and I say no. Confides in me she has frontal lobe dementia from results of pet scan but I should tell no one. Takes me 2 hours to decide this is manipulative and tell my husband. We talked and decided that the most we can do is care for her animals at her house. He tells me he will back me up and just say no. I said you do that and he said I cannot. Then he talked about going with her for treats and I said no because a job he has wanted forever is starting in May for him. Now I am pissed that this is my problem.
Simplemind
4-12-19, 12:11am
But it isn't your problem, it is hers. He is only between a rock and a hard place if he puts himself there. Taking care of the animals is generous. She needs to hear from a united front where the boundaries are. If she has dementia all future plans need to be adjusted and that isn't a ride you are buying a ticket for.
iris lilies
4-12-19, 8:27am
But it isn't your problem, it is hers. He is only between a rock and a hard place if he puts himself there. Taking care of the animals is generous. She needs to hear from a united front where the boundaries are. If she has dementia all future plans need to be adjusted and that isn't a ride you are buying a ticket for.
Really smart!
Teacher Terry
4-12-19, 11:42am
SM, we are going to suggest she makes their youngest son medical and financial poa. We took that ride with some friends and it lasted 2 years. We decided no matter how sad and pathetic she is we will just say no. I just hate that she is even putting us in this position.
iris lilies
4-12-19, 12:55pm
SM, we are going to suggest she makes their youngest son medical and financial poa. We took that ride with some friends and it lasted 2 years. We decided no matter how sad and pathetic she is we will just say no. I just hate that she is even putting us in this position.
People who make me say no all the time are tiring, and pretty soon I limit my exposure to them.
About the United Front thing: Well that is one way to look at it and that makes a lot of sense. But—I don’t say “No” for DH very often. My general philosophy is that we are two separate people and I will say no and set boundaries for myself but he has to say no and set his own boundaries. On something as important and potentially problematic as this, and given the relations with his children, I would be very hesitant to be saying his “No’s” for my husband.
I agree that your DH definitely needs to say No.
Teacher Terry
4-12-19, 1:05pm
We are much closer with the youngest then she is. She has treated him poorly openly favoring the bad son until recently. He will be fine with us setting boundaries. Maybe she just needs someone to talk to.
Teacher Terry
4-13-19, 12:07pm
She just wanted my opinion about in light of the dementia should she quit chemo. I told her to get neuro-cognitive testing to see what stage she is in before making that decision. My guess is that it’s a early stage and she won’t need to make that decision for awhile. Basically we talked for a hour and helped her process it.
TT,
you are both being very compassionate while maintaining your own family's boundaries. Hats off.
Teacher Terry
12-12-19, 8:23pm
I am updating this thread because of a new sad development. My husband’s ex called to update us on her health. Her cancer continues to spread with more tumors on her liver. They are trying 2 new medications with a lot of horrible side effects. She is meeting her youngest son in Florida at his uncle’s for Xmas. Her dog sitter isn’t returning her texts so I told her we have it covered. She rehomed the big active big dog to some co worker with a farm. He looks so happy in the video and has horses and a big dog playmate. The dogs live in the house. He is a special dog that was a abused previously. She needed someone to talk to and we talked for a hour. I had a big cry when we got off the phone. I feel so bad for her, my step son and all the events she will miss in his life. I didn’t expect to be so upset. She only has months to live.
These things do take away any bitterness, don't they? I felt the same about my ex who gave me so much grief after he passed away. I just thought of a life cut short and my son's loss.
Teacher Terry
12-12-19, 8:38pm
Y, yes absolutely. I am glad I am not the only one that feels like that. I love my step son and feel so bad for him.
Simplemind
12-12-19, 11:35pm
I can't imagine the pain of leaving my kids and not being able to see them grow up. She is so lucky to have you.
Teacher Terry
12-12-19, 11:54pm
Our son is 30 and just got his wings in the Air Force to fly and be a navigator. She raised him until 13 and then we did. He quit high school at 17 and joined the air guard. He worked his way up from mechanic to cyber security and now. He earned a degree and got one of the last slots a year ago before he aged out. She will never see him married or have kids.
happystuff
12-13-19, 6:58am
I'm so sorry for everyone. Prayers to all.
I am glad you are there for her and for your son, Terry.
Just ((hugs)) fortitude and resilience lady!
dado potato
12-13-19, 5:57pm
More hugs from this quarter @Teacher Terry.
I am influenced by Atul Gawande (Being Mortal). I believe the decision about who should be poa would ideally be the person best able to carry out the wishes of the very sick woman. Hopefully she has been given accurate and understandable information about her condition, and the pros and cons of medical interventions at this stage.
Teacher Terry
12-13-19, 6:44pm
She’s a RN so is medically savvy. She is trying 2 new drugs with a lot of bad side effects. If that doesn’t work she will go back on IV chemo. She is skin and bones so I doubt she will survive that. None of us know what we would choose if in that situation.
Ten years ago my dad was diagnosed with prostate cancer that had metasticized to his bones. At 91, he is still here.
You just never know!
Teacher Terry
12-13-19, 9:34pm
Wow Tybee! My friend survived 20 years with stage 4 ovarian cancer that came back 8 times all of which required surgery and chemo.
Hugs to Teacher Terry and DH. My DH's ex died of cancer about 10 years ago. Similar situation--she had treated DH very badly and had very few people in her life to provide companionship. We did what we could and felt very sad when she passed away. You and your DH won't regret the compassion and kindness you showing her now.
Teacher Terry
12-21-19, 10:34am
Thanks Rachel.
Teacher Terry
5-19-20, 11:43pm
Well it’s time for a update. Her doctor said she won’t see the new year. She is continuing to try different chemo none of which has worked. My husband has been handling all the appointments but as of tomorrow will be working out of town so it’s now my job. I have mixed feelings as I am hoping that she lives but it will be taking over my schedule. Her chemo’s are all on Tuesday so that’s easy. But have to be flexible because in the same week it will be up in the air when her tests will be done. Once her son is back in July I am sure he will take her if he can but is in the military.
I am so sorry, Terry. You are very good person to help her. Please take care of you, too.
happystuff
5-20-20, 7:49am
I'm sorry, Terry. Hugs to all.
iris lilies
5-20-20, 12:03pm
That is a good thing you are doing!
Teacher Terry
5-21-20, 1:42am
So just found out a really good friend of mine for 44 years just died in New York. Then the ex called me to give me some new appointment dates and then she needed to talk for a hour which I totally understand. What we have in common is our love for their son. I am so sick of losing family and friends to cancer. It’s overwhelming to be on this journey again. I keep reminding myself it’s a gift to my stepson who I adore.
Hang in their TT. Thinking of you.
happystuff
5-21-20, 7:36am
I'm so sorry, TT. My condolences to all.
Teacher Terry
5-29-20, 10:10pm
My stepson and his girlfriend came home on Sunday. Because the military has a travel ban he needed a one star general to sign the request. So happy he did because today his mom is hospitalized with a blood count of 40 and side effects from the chemo. They are trying to stabilize her and she won’t do any more chemo. Like many of you have experienced he cannot be at the hospital with her. We are getting her griffin brexeollis Wednesday before he leaves. Helga is 7 years old and obese big time. Luckily my best friend and her husband want her if she gets along with their 2 dogs. Keeping my fingers crossed because I really don’t want 3 dogs.
happystuff
5-30-20, 7:31am
Prayers to all.
Teacher Terry
8-18-20, 9:16pm
Marianne rallied and went home and had some quality time with her son. He stayed 2 weeks. He finally finished school and was on his way home and she died today. 2 weeks ago we took Helga the dog to visit and she had a good day. She ate cake, had a tiny drink and was dressed. We laughed and talked for 3 hours. My best friend adopted the dog. During the past year I have come to like her and feel terrible that she is gone.
iris lilies
8-19-20, 12:50am
Oh my. Glad her dog is cared for.
Teacher Terry
8-19-20, 1:20am
She had a big dog, small dog and young cat. The big dog went to her best friend’s that lives on a acre and also has a big dog. The cat went to a good friend of my stepson’s. We would have taken Helga if we had too. It’s a better fit at my friends as they are all about 20lbs and the same age. Marianne was relieved that all went to awesome homes.
rosarugosa
8-19-20, 6:04am
I'm sorry Terry.
happystuff
8-19-20, 7:49am
I'm so sorry, Terry.
Terry, I am so sorry for your loss.
So very sorry for your loss, Terry.
early morning
8-19-20, 11:20am
I am so sorry for your loss - take care.
Even though a friend's death is always sad, it's some comfort that their suffering has ended--and I'm sure she appreciated that her pets were safely moved to loving homes before she left.
Teacher Terry
8-19-20, 11:29am
Jane, she was very worried about her pets. It was a relief to her. She was suffering.
frugal-one
8-19-20, 3:16pm
Condolences......
My sincerest condolences. I am glad she had such fine people caring for her during her time of great need. Peace to all.
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