just still really want a relationship

[Zoe Girl]

yeah I am close to giving up on a regular basis. I was on a dating site for a year and got no interest or responses to anything. It was a mindful type site. So I am going to a more mainstream one now that some of my hobbies and personality are not as weird (like meditation).

I wish there was some easier way, it is discouraging and crappy. It seems some days like everyone else has at least a date, or the chance of a date. The funny thing to me is that I am overall really well liked, somehow it just doesn't translate.

Okay done with the pity party for awhile.

[Yppej]

When you least expect it, it may happen.

[Teacher Terry]

My friends all found a partner through online dating but had a average of 13-16 dates before they found the right person.

[Zoe Girl]

I am pretty sure there is someone out there, and still feels crappy. But rather than seeing all these people in relationships and think there is a limited amount of it and I am less likely to get a partner if they are in relationship - I could mind shift a little.

After my shower when I let myself get teary

[bae]

When you least expect it, it may happen.

I have found that simply getting my own mind/house in order, and not being "looking" or having expectations, has produced great results. (I realize there is nothing simple about "simply"... :-( )

I've run into fun and interested people simply by going about my normal business and made some good friends. I had a lovely young (OK, she's older than me and is a grandma) lady ask me out months ago when I was simply dropping off some preserves for a charity event. And that's turned out nicely.

I live in an odd place though - I think I started a thread about the perils of "dating" here, and how online dating doesn't work here.

[Zoe Girl]

Yes Bae, I wish some of that would happen. I know that I am able to do everything on my own pretty much. I have spent time letting go. And then being divorced for 15 (yes 15!!) with 2 relationship and a dozen dates, whew. Hard to keep your head up,

[JaneV2.0]

I'm an optimist. I'm not going to make any effort to date again, but I may take bae's approach some day in the future.

If it happens--fine, but I'm quite capable of going on on my own, and I've had enough experience to know that "alone" is vastly preferable to a mediocre relationship.

[Teacher Terry]

My Time site is for people 50 and over.

[Simplemind]

When I decided to have my son I had already been single for 12 years. I figured I wasn't going to date for at least 18 after I had him. Parenting took up all my time when I wasn't working and almost everything we did was one on one. When he was about four the daughter of a co-worker began to be his main babysitter and she asked me if she could take him to do things with a friend of hers instead of always being at my house. She was responsible so I said she could. He spent a lot of time at the friends house who had a kids paradise of a backyard. Within a couple of years the friends parents divorced and the kids decided to get us together. It was seamless with my son because he felt like he was introducing me to a friend of his. Fast forward, we are now married, still living in paradise.
I never saw it coming. He was not my type and we don't think alike in any way. But he loved my son and was a great father figure to him. He was from a great family and had strong friendships. We were raised very much the same and have the same values. He is honest to a fault and has integrity. A gift that kept on giving…. so I took a leap of faith and here we are.
My situation aside, some of the best relationships I have ever seen came together when they weren't looking for one. They were out and about, doing things they enjoyed being natural. I also know many many (both my sister and brother) who found their spouses on-line.

[Tradd]

I’m actually quite happy by myself. A guy who didn’t dive would really get in the way right now! I don’t know how I would be able to maintain the amount of diving I do and a full time relationship. Unless the guy was a serious Great Lakes diver as I am.

[Teacher Terry]

SM, what a great story!

[Lainey]

Wanted to chime in with the story of a former co-worker. He was in his early 40s and divorced, no kids. He met and married a teacher his same age who was also divorced, no kids. But they each had serious hobbies: hers was with animals, his was with electronics. To the point that their former suitors had a real problem with the time each of these 2 had devoted to those hobbies. So when they met, and realized they could be happy together and give the other person their space to devote to those hobbies, it would all work out. And it has, they've been married now 10+ years.

My point there is to say it's not a dealbreaker if the other person doesn't like your same non-work activities, it's if the other person is also engaged in life with their own hobbies and activities or life in general and is happy to let you devote the time you want to yours.

[Tradd]

Lainey, with the amount of time I devote to diving, yes, a non-diver would not be a good fit. All day both weekend days from early April to late October. Friends tried to set me up with a guy last year. He was nice enough, but he also had NO hobbies of his own. He sat in front of the TV. Doesn’t even read. No, thank you.

[iris lilies]

Just shared Hobby thing: There’s a curse and a blessing.


DH and I are always running around to garden centers, nurseries talking about this, buying that, planning planting jobs etc. Especially this time of year, we have a lot to talk about it in the shared projects. But the flipside is that we will have ideas about the planting project and we have to negotiate how things get done because his ideas are often different than mine. Then we have arguements about whose garden maintenance duties belong to whom.

Then there is of course a shared land problem – who gets this part of the land? Who gets that part?

So shared hobbies means sharing. Sharing is hard. We learned the basics when we were five years old but not sure it gets easier! :~)

[Teacher Terry]

When my husband and I met 21 years ago we both loved to hike in the mountains. P The past 10 years I have not been able to go because of my health conditions. I still take long walks with him in town. Now he hikes alone and it’s not a big deal. I don’t think shared hobbies are important as long as you give each other space to be who they are. My friends have been married 50 years and he goes to lots of car shows on the weekends and my friend prefers to stay home with her 8 rescued poms. They are very happy together.

[SteveinMN]

DW and I were looking purposely for a relationship (we met on a dating Web site). But both of us had been on our own long enough that we had our own complete lives -- fulfilling careers, interests, family relationships, as many friends as we wanted,... We tell people one of the secrets of our marriage is that we did not have to be married (or in a committed relationship) -- not just to each other, but to anyone. We were happy enough with life as it was -- being with someone special would just make that life better. And so it has.

We have developed mutual friends and interests over time but we still allow each other the time the other wants to pursue his or her own interests without guilt. This would extend to financial resources, too (there are some mighty expensive hobbies out there but we don't have them). Obviously there is negotiation at times and the time commitment required at times is at levels we would not want to sustain for very long. But we really try to remember that we were both fully grown people when we met, not like the "bookend" couples we knew in high school and college who didn't seem to exist outside of each other's presence. In my first marriage, XW defined time spent "together" only when we were doing the same thing (watching TV, traveling, etc.). Now, DW and I will sit in the living room on a given night; she may be watching TV and I may be reading or paying bills, but we're still available to each other. It's "together" time even if we're not always doing the same activity.

I guess that puts us in the "wasn't looking when it happened" crowd (even though we kind of were looking).

[ApatheticNoMore]

Sure have a separate hobby maybe, but there seems practical difficulties if you don't want to go to the same things together. I mean I don't even see my boyfriend that many days on weekdays (usually about 1). I already commute 2 hours a day for work, we usually meet in the middle rather than each others place on weekdays, and still it's more commuting even to meet in the middle, and we're tired. And if you don't do things together on the weekends either then, well what kind of a relationship is even left at that point? We do things together on weekends, spend a lot of time together then, and we talk on the phone. So saying there is no trade offs between relationships and hobbies etc. uh no.

[Teacher Terry]

Most people are living together so they have evenings together also. When my stepsons were young teens my husband was one of the youth leaders for a group so they were gone a lot. I only participated occasions because I had been there done that with my kids previously. My friend’s husband skied in winter and golfs in summer. She has her own hobbies and grandchildren that she enjoys.

[ApatheticNoMore]

Well if you want to live together then only date within a 10 mile radius (but even then jobs may force that arrangement to end when you have to take jobs all over. Are you prepared to sacrifice your ability to earn a living on the alter of a relationship is also a question to ask oneself. I don't think I am.). I work this job because it's what I can find. My boyfriend works his for the same reason. He keeps his apartment as well because it's nearer work (we probably work but don't live, 40-50 miles apart), and because it's rent controled (yea, you don't give that up easily).

[Teacher Terry]

My husband and I would make sure there were jobs in our fields for both of us before making a move. When I finished graduate school there were no jobs for me locally so I found a job and the kids and I moved. He applied for jobs and moved when he found one.

[catherine]

Just shared Hobby thing: There’s a curse and a blessing.


DH and I are always running around to garden centers, nurseries talking about this, buying that, planning planting jobs etc. Especially this time of year, we have a lot to talk about it in the shared projects. But the flipside is that we will have ideas about the planting project and we have to negotiate how things get done because his ideas are often different than mine. Then we have arguements about whose garden maintenance duties belong to whom.

Then there is of course a shared land problem – who gets this part of the land? Who gets that part?

So shared hobbies means sharing. Sharing is hard. We learned the basics when we were five years old but not sure it gets easier! :~)

I hear ya. Every year I vow to have my own garden and give him his own garden. Last year we kind of did that, and the only fight we had was when he offered to plant all the seedlings I brought from the nursery, and he threw away all the tags so I had no idea which cultivars were what. But for the most part, he let me do my thing and I let him do his, and things were much happier in the garden.

[ejchase]

Writer Anne Lamott, who is 65, just got married for the first time last week.

Here's what she posted on Facebook: "Neal Allen and I got married last Saturday. It was my first wedding, to the love of my life. I had gotten my Medicare card 3 weeks before. So never, ever give up, because God is such a show off."

And here's the piece on her wedding from today's New York Times:

https://www.nytimes.com/2019/04/26/fashion/weddings/the-final-chapters-of-anne-lamotts-life-now-include-a-soul-mate.html

[Gardnr]

Food for thought: have you posted your requirements so voluminous or narrow that it's improbable to a find a match? Must a date be Buddhist, vegan and a hiker?

If there are things you can compromise on, remove them from your profile. Are there things you like to do or consume on a very occasional basis? If yes, add those to show some flexibility and variety.

[Teacher Terry]

The people I knew that did online dating hit it hard like a job. They corresponded with many people by email or phone to weed people out. They said it was fun.

[JaneV2.0]

I love that Anne Lamott found love late, and married. I've enjoyed her non-fiction. It sounds like a good match.

[Simplemind]

Another Anne fan here. I love her observations.

[Zoe Girl]

I like her hair, when i retire i want dreads.

I am really not that picky, basically someone who respects me being veggie and meditating a lot but they dont need to do the same thing.i think getting outdoors would be more important. I have no interest in going places like las vegas but could go hiking every weekend.

[organictex]

if you are near vancouver Canada or sacramento Cali, i have 2 single friends that may be interested.
both are bright, vegetarian/vegan, and have money. both are in their early 60s, physically fit and like
to hike and get outdoors. pm me if you are interested...
jim

[ApatheticNoMore]

It could happen or not. Put yourself out there, and try to enjoy life regardless (some are really better being single than others of course).

I met my bf though online dating, but I never enjoyed dating AT ALL. I don't think I followed any rules, I mean I don't think I was particular closed minded about someone different, but I really ending up finding a very similar person to myself (and actually I was dating a fairly similar to my personality person before but despite having similar *personalities* we wanted very different things in life - ie kids etc. so that didn't go all that far).

And yea it is MUCH easier with a very compatible person but I probably could have made different personalities work with more effort.

[SteveinMN]

I enjoyed dating -- the second time. If I didn't see a ring on a finger or hear about a relationship, I'd ask.

The hard part was finding time to meet other people. Back then, work was sucking up a lot of time, I was renovating my house, and some family issues occupied me. So I tried on-line dating. I probably was on that (only) site for a couple of months; DW had been on for several months. I went out with three women before meeting DW; I think she had gone out with five or six. In reading profiles, I tended to concentrate on common values rather than common interests; not that I ignored those but I felt we could compromise on interests more easily than on things like religious views. Profiles never covered the whole person anyway -- they're kind of like resumes, designed to get you the interview, not the job. :)

[Lainey]

Writer Anne Lamott, who is 65, just got married for the first time last week.

Here's what she posted on Facebook: "Neal Allen and I got married last Saturday. It was my first wedding, to the love of my life. I had gotten my Medicare card 3 weeks before. So never, ever give up, because God is such a show off."

And here's the piece on her wedding from today's New York Times:

https://www.nytimes.com/2019/04/26/fashion/weddings/the-final-chapters-of-anne-lamotts-life-now-include-a-soul-mate.html

Thanks for posting. Great article. (didn't say whatever happened to the cats …?? ha)

[Simplemind]

DH and I had friends in common and had heard of each other back in '74. We both married somebody else in '78. My marriage lasted 5 years and his lasted 20. When our kids got us together we found some funny similarities. We were both raised Catholic and went to Catholic school. Both went to St. Peter's but different Cities. He was an alter boy and there are priests and nuns in his family. I went for a time wanting to be a nun after watching The Trouble With Angels. We both had the childhood nickname of Skeeter. Although we worked completely different types of jobs our work titles were very similar (Records Manager/Document Manager) and our work extensions were the same number.
We could not be more different. It is a comedy of errors. Whenever he picks something for me I wonder what he was thinking. He is very analytical and I am very intuitive. I always tell him that no matter what he is thinking when it comes to me, go the opposite direction. When it comes to what each other would like it is so off it is like we never met. The joke between us is that if he dies first he will never find me in heaven. He will be on the wrong cloud. Yet...…. it works.