Lots Of Feelings This Month

[SiouzQ.]

I don't even know where to start exactly, so much has happened this year and so much is happening. Tonight is a rare night I am not hanging out with my boyfriend. I am tired, so, so tired.

One thing on my mind is it is almost the year anniversary of my daughter's death. I was just gifted (well, it was a trade, she got a ring of mine) her memorial marker made by a local blacksmith. We spoke in January about it and we came up with a design and it turned out so fabulous. But due to my recent (last Thursday) wrist surgery and another different procedure next week that involves anesthesia again, getting the marker up to the local cemetary and set into Quikrete and actually landscaping the place I want to put the majority of her ashes doesn't feel like it is going to happen on the time table that I had planned. I wanted it to be all done in time for what would have been her 27th birthday on June 26th. My boyfriend is having shoulder issues so we are both kind of laid up. But I also feel like I am balking at the idea of being "done" with that part of the grieving process.

Another thing on my mind is that I am HOMESICK for Michigan. It is hard to admit in a way, but I am. Sometimes I miss the boring normalcy of just punching in the time clock and not having so much time to think. The tourist season has been slow to get started and I have so much time being stuck at home and being in the gallery. When it is busy, it is a lot more fun and the day passes by a lot faster. When I am recovering from medical stuff and I hurt and it's slow and my left hand is under a weight restriction (can't pick up anything heavier than a coffee cup for the next two weeks), that means I can't make jewelry, or play my guitar. I can barely knit right now.

I know I am just kvetching but I need to get it out. I'm also very sad and feel rootless somehow tonight, wondering what it all means. I am sick of going to the tavern and drinking, I am sick of all the medical crap and sick of the weight I have gained and how physically weak I feel. I don't know how to get back to a place where I feel strong and invincible, like the way I used to feel.

I am glad I will be going back to Michigan for a visit in five and a half weeks. On the surface I look like I am handling things well, but it is really hitting me tonight. I am going to make myself go take a walk so I can try to get out of this funk I am in. Thank you for listening.

[dado potato]

I hope your moon and stars are as bright as those in my sky tonight.

Last summer I made an awesome visit to MI: Ludington, Manistee, Beulah, Bear Dunes Park & Islands. Saw an incredibly old white cedar tree on the island.

… Michigan seems like a dream to me now.
It took me four days to hitch-hike from Saginaw...
--Paul Simon

[sweetana3]

This is the perfect place to just lay it all out. You have faced so much this year.

[catherine]

This is the perfect place to just lay it all out. You have faced so much this year.

I agree.. not much to say except our hearts are with you.

[razz]

Sioux Q, we all have these feelings at times but you have had to cope with a whole lot more than usual. It feels like it is going to last forever but, one day, after it feels like the clouds have shrouded the mountains for ages, suddenly, there they are in full view with the sun shining on them.

Kvetch away. Hugs.

[Sad Eyed Lady]

SiouzQ, please don't feel bad about sharing your feelings, they need to pour out at times.
Your words: "But I also feel like I am balking at the idea of being "done" with that part of the grieving process." I think you are referring to placing the marker at your daughter's memorial. I agree that is a another step along the way, but it won't end any part of the grieving process as such, just another acknowledgement and ritual that you will do. I found that the first year anniversary unsettling to me. I had built up in my mind so much hope that the turning of a whole year would somehow bring a "change", a lessening of the grief. No so - that's not enough time. So don't have false expectations as I did that things would magically be better - it is a let down. But, that being said, time will bring a healing. Not complete, but better. Not stable (as in grief is gone, the sadness never happens anymore), but in more days that are better than not.
A couple of weekends ago I sat here at my kitchen table one night and was so lonely I didn't feel like I wanted to go on. I looked into the future and could see no reason to continue in this life - nothing to look forward to except more of being alone. Then in comparison, there are times, (last night being one of them), where a beautiful peace descents over my home and as Leonard Cohen said "Like a blessing come from heaven, for something like a second, I am healed and my heart is at peace".

[iris lilies]

OP, the stuff you have had to deal with this year is extraordinary. You are doing well in these trials. Keep plowing through it because I think it will get better for you.

[Teacher Terry]

This past year has been so hard for you. I have 2 friends that have lost children. It’s the hardest thing that you will ever go through. My middle son is a drug addict and I wouldn’t be surprised if he dies.

[JaneV2.0]

Sometimes it seems life comes at you like balls from a pitching machine, and there's nothing you can do about it. I try to brace myself with the idea that "this, too shall pass," but that's cold comfort when you're in the thick of it.

[pinkytoe]

I can only imagine the pain of losing a child. To get through it must take great strength. I completely get the homesickness. The novelty of the new place wears off and home beckons. I think you should listen to the inner voice about the drinking as you would feel physically better by cutting back and that would help with clearer thinking about where you are in life and positive next steps. What about just moving to Santa Fe?

[SiouzQ.]

Another day of profound lack of energy. I had the day off so I spent with the boyfriend; went and bummed around Santa Fe for a while but all in all didn't do much.

I think my body is just going through a reaction to all the medical stuff lately aside from having the wrist surgery last Thursday (anesthesia and a nerve block), I have been on a variety of painkillers and muscle relaxers for my other problem. Plus I became a medical marijauna patient, got my card and have been experimenting with ingestables. No wonder I feel really out of whack lately. I actually haven't been drinking that much lately but I have been thinking about all the crap I have been putting in my body (as I sit here and eat ice cream).

I find it really hard to sit here with my feelings. I don't feel like socializing, I can't make any art or play guitar yet, I feel too tired to take a walk again after walking around town. What I need to do is sit down and be happy with reading a book and watching Netflix. I really have to get OUT OF MY HEAD! Or maybe I'll clean for a while.

[lmerullo]

Virtual hugs and good wishes to you, SQ.

Please take as much rest as you can, you'd be amazed at how it restores both body and soul.

[KayLR]

Virtual hugs, SiouzQ....I feel ya. Sounds like you need a change of scenery. Or someone (professional) to talk to....please be kind to yourself. You're at that anniversary---you're bound to have a reaction.

[Yppej]

The other thread about causes of death showed people underestimate how common drug overdoses are. Have you ever gone to Nar Anon or another support group? It may be helpful to get together with others who have gone through what you have. I attended a group for awhile and there were several people who had lost family members and found the meetings helpful. And it would be something to do that isn't physically strenuous.

[SiouzQ.]

I just wanted to let you all know that the past two days I have been feeling a bit better. I got some good, long sleep the other night which helped a lot. I am not in as much pain either; the wrist is healing pretty well and I was even able to pick up my guitar yesterday (with the right hand only) yet still play. The wrist is stiff but playing is good physical therapy, physically and mentally.

Right now I am getting ready to go down to Albuquerque and undergo anesthesia for the second time in seven days so the colo-rectal surgeon can give me Botox injections and check out that area without me screaming. Thank god for modern medicine! I am healing lately but it is SO hard to get into see a specialist in New Mexico that I am absolutely going through with this today instead of waiting for another acute episode of extreme pain. The plus side too is that I have hit my out-of-pocket expenses already and insurance pays 100% now until the end of the year.

[razz]

Glad to hear that you are feeling better. Take care of yourself and treat yourself to something special, even something small that you have wanted to do for a while.

[beckyliz]

Thinking of you, SiouzQ. Be gentle with yourself - eat good food, get some more good sleep. Talk to a therapist. Pray if you do that or meditate outside if a beautiful, quiet spot. Don't rush your grief or your healing.

[SiouzQ.]

Today (the day one year ago in which my entire world as I knew it ruptured, shook and crumbled around me) actually went pretty well. My boyfriend and I went up to the cemetery in the morning with an 80 lb. bag of cement and the newly finished, absolutely beautiful iron marker my friend the blacksmith made and dug a hole in the ground in front of a nice, healthy cholla cactus bush, facing the western sunset, and placed the marker in the newly poured cement. In the next week I will go up to the mesa and work on the landscaping around the marker and prepare it for her birthday that is on June 26th. That is the day I would like to place her remaining ashes in the ground.

After we finished the concrete work in the morning, we drove down to Albuquerque and went to an estate sale a friend of ours was putting on (didn't buy anything) and generally just drove around a very nice, cute neighborhood looking at the little adobe bungalows from the '40's. Ate lunch, went to another favorite antique store and then drove home. I just wanted to be busy today and away from Madrid and the droves of tourists. When I got home I sat on the deck and watched the hummingbirds while I worked on dispersing her remaining ashes into a few little packets, and put some in a beautiful green glass Art Nouveau perfume bottle with sterling overlay that I inherited from my great aunt a long time ago; the remainder will go up to the cemetery next week. I left myself a few small packets to be able to disperse in a few more special places but I will be pretty much done with my ritual by the end of the summer.

Then I went to the store and bought a pint of really chocolat-y ice cream. I am okay. Teary, but okay.

[razz]

Glad to hear that you had support and got through the day with good experiences to enjoy.

[iris lilies]

What an appropriate and lovely plan for your daughter’s ashes! Our thoughts are with you.

[Sad Eyed Lady]

Those type of anniversaries are hard, but having something meaningful planned for it like you did really helps. Glad you had a decent day and the plans you already have for your daughter's birthday will help you through that day as well. Take care of yourself.