gift of an activity, and difficult situation

[Zoe Girl]

So my good friend texted me last night at 10-ish for me to send her my address. I was asleep. Today I got an email about something with Pema Chodron, if you know Buddhist teachers she is a really big deal. In any case my friend also called me to tell me she bought me this ticket for an event in about 3 weeks on a Wednesday in the middle of the day. She is super excited, I wanted to be more excited however I was also really thrown off and in the middle of camp.

I put in a request for the day off, however I am realizing I am kinda mad. I have to put in for time off months in advance for summer programming. It is not so easy to just take a weekday off. I am the boss which is a level of responsibility and an example. I had my time off request in early and expected the same from all my staff. I did the paperwork to request it, however now I am not even sure I want to go through with it. There is an element of not understanding my job, another person did this today with a bunch of texts asking me about things. I finally just said I had a bald eagle visiting at work so I had to go (very awesome actually). I guess maybe it is that hard to understand my work? Or maybe it is just general lack of something,

[iris lilies]

“There is an element of not understanding my job. “

*IF* by this you mean your friend who bought you the ticket does not understand that working people have to, ummm, work—well, ok. I wouldn't say that you are unique in that situation.

So to summarize: your well intentioned friend didn’t think about your logistics in accepting her gift. That is a bummer when a well-intentioned gift is so thoughtlessly put together. Sorry!

[Zoe Girl]

That is where I am landing IL, I realized it really is not unique that you can't take a weekday off often. Many jobs have procedures including how far in advance you need to request and that certain days you cannot take off. Wednesdays are field trip days, which means everyone works.

I will find a time tomorrow to talk to her and respectfully decline.

[Teacher Terry]

Does your friend not work?

[Zoe Girl]

No not currently. Her last job was responsible but also partially from home. It was for her super wealthy friend who is currently supporting her. She does work for him but not consistently. She has not worked a 40 hour, regular job in awhile due to surgeries and chronic pain

I forgot to add that like most people I have a certain number of paid hours of vacation and I have already planned to use them.

[catherine]

Yeah, that's tough... nice of her to get you the ticket, but inconsiderate in not checking with your availability before buying the tickets. I'd be a little annoyed, too.

One afternoon when my kids were very small (1, 2, 6, and 8), I got a phone call from my DH who was very, very excited. He said, "Get a babysitter! I just got great tickets for Les Miserables! I'll drive home and pick you up and we'll go back in the City!"

I was so mad. #1, we had been out a couple of nights that week (at church or other meetings), and I was SO looking forward to just vegging out at home after the kids were in bed. #2, didn't he realize that you can't just snap your fingers and get a babysitter in the middle of the week on a school night??? What was he thinking? I called a friend who agreed to come and watch the kids, but I was still mad. I was mad all the way into New York, and I was mad waiting for the curtain, but by the time Fantine had finished "I Dreamed a Dream" I stopped being mad. Les Miz was a fairly new production at that time, and we had 4th row center orchestra seats, and it was one of the most memorable times of my life.

So, yes, your friend was wrong to assume that you could just take off. But, wow, Pema Chodron! If you can get the time off without jeopardizing your job, go for it.

[herbgeek]

If someone texts me at an inconvenient time, I don't reply. I don't need to explain why I didn't respond immediately or tell them they were inconsiderate to interrupt me.

[herbgeek]

It seems to me that you are creating stories around what happened, which may or not be true (most likely not), and these stories are making you unhappy. You can change the stories in your head. If I read between the lines I hear " if my friends respected me/respected the importance of my work, they would not be interrupting me with text messages or asking me to take a day off on a whim". Perhaps you can consider other stories such as, "my friend knows me so well, and how excited I would be to see Pema Chodron in person, that she surprised me with tickets. How thoughtful is that!" or "I have friends that are so excited to share their life with me that they text me real time so I can hear the excitement in their voice". How do you feel when you consider that these alternate stories are also possible?

[Zoe Girl]

Hi Herb,

I think those alternate stories are important too. My tendency is to focus on all their good intentions (which I did not share here) and push down all the other feelings so I dont make THEM feel bad.

And I have no issue at all with not answering a text message when I am not available. My phone is off on a regular basis when i meditate. I just got myself sucked into a text convo yesterday and am already annoyed with the topic for many reasons. Basically i need to cancel an old insurance policy and people who have not been involved are asking me if I am sure.

[Gardnr]

It seems to me that you are creating stories around what happened, which may or not be true (most likely not), and these stories are making you unhappy. You can change the stories in your head. If I read between the lines I hear " if my friends respected me/respected the importance of my work, they would not be interrupting me with text messages or asking me to take a day off on a whim". Perhaps you can consider other stories such as, "my friend knows me so well, and how excited I would be to see Pema Chodron in person, that she surprised me with tickets. How thoughtful is that!" or "I have friends that are so excited to share their life with me that they text me real time so I can hear the excitement in their voice". How do you feel when you consider that these alternate stories are also possible?

I am rather surprised at your negativity around this.

I totally agree with this scenario. She did a beautiful thing for you knowing you would love it. And, as a manager, I know special events come up last minute. There is NOTHING wrong with you taking that day off and attending this very special event (I love reading her books). I think when a supervisor does this, it shows all the staff that exceptions are acceptable. Special events matter!

[Teacher Terry]

I think she should have asked first if you could get off work. When I was working I couldn’t take off on days I had clients scheduled. It’s field trip day for you and everyone works. It’s one thing to be too sick to work on those days.

[Zoe Girl]

There is more to the story, which seems relevant now that I am more well rested and overall recovered from the week.

On Thursday I went over after work. The plan was for me to work on the curtain project, help her with some small tasks related to recently moving in if she needed, and she had a great plan for cooking dinner. I checked in on my way to see if she needed anything from the store but it was all good. So I got there and something had happened that day, well lots of little things added on pain and a recent move, so she had a drink. She was still cooking, I was sewing, we moved a few things, hung a picture, etc. However 3 hours later the meal was still not cooked. The quiche had just come out of the oven and needed to sit when she looked at me and saw I was done. So she fed me what was handy (we had been snacking) and I went home. My body and mind were pretty off most of Friday because I simply don't manage well without good meals. Anyway the text asking for my address came some time during my drive home. I got home, ate a granola bar, and fell asleep. I didn't want to get upset about the dinner, I have messed up many dinners over the years. She has not cooked in awhile due to many life circumstances and was really excited to make this. My intentions of understanding are one thing, my physical recovery is another.

Today she left me a message asking if I was feeling better from being exhausted yesterday. I am going to definitely try to get it off, but there is a point it is out of my control as well.