The final frontier of dating: Single parents.

[Ultralight]

As I am coming to realize my options are comparatively limited (for a variety of reasons) and that the only women who seem to be actively interested in me are single moms, I am considering giving it a real try.

On the dating sites there are some women who are high matches -- similar tastes, hobbies, lifestyle, etc. But they are single moms. So up until now I have politely declined their interest in me.

I am definitely becoming more open to dating a single mom.

So insights, ideas, suggestions, etc. are welcome. Shared experiences would be helpful.

Thanks!

[Zoe Girl]

Being a single parent i have to say I am not sure why we are so off limits. I understand your concerns and not wanting to be a daddy, however you are at an age when single parents may have kids that are grown. That is just a person with family in many ways. For myself I dont talk about my kids all the time, I don't have a lot of parent baggage, and I have a lot of specific interests.

My only advice is to have an open mind. We are all different, our circumstances and experiences are different, so get to know people where they are at. There may be times when it is harder for a single parent to date so know if they are making that effort it is a big deal.

[iris lilies]

The world of single parents is vast, there is no one monolithic group.

I would completely avoid mothers with very small children, I cant see how most of them could possibly have time for an outside relationship.

I would avoid mothers with teen children who create drama (addiction, runaways, etc.) You can suss out that drama factor within a few dates. Same for crazy ex husbands, avoid that situation. The mom gets points for having a good working relationship with her ex.

I would want someone who has been divorced for a while, say, minimum 3 years. If they have never been married at all, well, I don’t know what to say about that. I guess I would play that by ear, But that reflects a value that is not mine. I think if one has children, one needs to be to be married if living in the United States of America.

Just because they have children doesn’t mean that they don’t want more so make your position clear, very very clear as you do in all you’ve your dating situations

I dont think money is very important to you, so the “broke” factor of many single mothers probably will not be a problem. Doing free or nearly free things together would be your goal, I would think.

I would avoid anyone with big debt, but that is hard to suss out early on. Listen for clues of overspending beyond income, student loan debt, credit card debt, debt to family members who have been “helping out” the single mom.

[SteveinMN]

I am definitely becoming more open to dating a single mom.

So insights, ideas, suggestions, etc. are welcome. Shared experiences would be helpful.
When I divorced at 42 I knew if I were in a long-term romantic relationship again, it likely would be with someone who had kids. That wasn't a problem for me beyond the logistics of figuring out where I would fit in. But it did require a little consideration on my part. I seriously dated women with kids who were in college and with kids who were in primary school; women whose exes (the fathers) were actively in the picture and women whose exes were completely out of the picture. Some friends I didn't date were single mothers, as well, and discussed the challenges of dating as a single mom.

My takeaways:

- It's a little different if the children are grown up and out of the house, but a single mother will put her kids first. She has to -- in some cases, there is no other parent around. Be prepared for a child's sudden needs (illness, dating breakup, last-minute cupcakes, etc.) to supercede your needs. Understand mom's reticence to introduce you to her kids quickly; most parents do not want to parade an array of "overnight guests" before their kids and they're keenly aware of the message their sleepovers send when they're trying to teach their kids that sex is for committed relationships.

- Unless the children are very small and you and mom end up as long-term moved-in partners, you are not "dad". Most of these kids already have fathers and, even if they don't, mom has been handling the job long enough that some newbie is not going to step in and take on the role. That's not to say it won't ever happen. But it will be a mutual decision made by the children and by you over time -- and it won't happen if either side does not want it. Clearly if you see the 10-year-old playing with matches and mom is somewhere else, you do something. But a lot of the rest of childrearing will be off-limits to you unless you are invited to participate. I say that as the grandpa who did not have either parent to our grandkids, but as the one who's far more involved with all their lives than the bio-dads.

- You may not initially be received by the kids with open arms. My wife's (college-graduate) daughter stayed at arm's length from me at first -- partially because she did not know me (no, I didn't know her, either) and partially because she and mom had been a duo for about 20 years and my presence (especially as fiance/husband) challenged that. I think you will understand this particularly because, frankly, it's much the same if mom has a long-term pet. You're the interloper and now mom has someone else to whom she's giving time and attention. Just be aware of the dynamic.

- Even though you're not officially part of the kids' lives, they're not just furniture. An ex-gf and I are still friends and she still comments on the impression I made on her teenaged daughter when I brought flowers to dinner the first time I met the kids because daughter's birthday was a few days into the future. Take an interest, chat, and be available if/when they reach out to you.

Hope that helps.

[SteveinMN]

Just because they have children doesn’t mean that they don’t want more so make your position clear, very very clear as you do in all you’ve your dating situations
Particularly good advice for UL. I did not run into that situation -- more likely my girlfriends were happy being done with diapers and tantrums. But if one is strongly disinterested in more kids, that needs to be known early on.

[catherine]

My stepfather was 28 years old when he married my 38 year old mother and got her 4 kids (ages 7-17) in the package. Can you imagine that? And he wasn't Mr. Rogers, or Dr. Spock. He was "uneducated" (a term I hate when it means someone hasn't gone to college but that's what he was), had had no prior marriage nor children of his own, and had had a rough upbringing himself.

But what a great stepdad! He was more like a big brother. Being there for mom and for us, but never pretending to be Father. He was funny--he drew silly cartoons, took us on spontaneous trips to Times Square and Sleeping Giant Mountain and motorcycle races. The first time I set foot in Vermont was on one of these trips.

And sometimes he would just erupt in fun nonsense--standing in the middle of the of the living room and shouting "Googly-OOMpa-OOMpa-Hooooonky-Tooooonky!!" And we would all laugh. But he was also the one who, when he moved in, brought his books of The World's Greatest Literature and other books, like those by Ayn Rand (OK, he wasn't perfect) which I would pore over.

It was challenging, but he didn't seem to feel that we were a case of "taking the bad with the good" part of his relationship with my mother. I've always been amazed at his contribution to our family.

I think you have the potential to contribute similarly to a family--as long as you don't walk in and make them get rid of all their stuff. ;)

[Teacher Terry]

Catherine he sounds awesome!

[Yossarian]

Lot's of interesting conversations here:

https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/

[Ultralight]

My dating life is essentially dying a slow death. Over the past year I have gotten fewer dates than ever. The only women who are interested have a lot of problems.

5 years ago I would have been much more upset about my dating life dying a slow death, even two years ago I would have been really upset.

But at the same time my dating life is slowly dying my worry over it dying is fading at roughly the same pace.

I am 40 now, and mostly invisible to quality women. They literally look right through me.

Looking back though, for a quirky guy from the Midwest, I have had a lot of great romantic experiences with a fair number of women -- a marriage, lusty flings, wild & kinky times, LTRs, a few FWBs, and lots of funny first dates.

I probably had more love, romance, and tumbles in the hay than most guys. So I can be contented with my past. My present and future will likely be romantically lonesome. But I am adjusting, trying to focus on other things.

[Yppej]

I would avoid anyone with big debt. Listen for clues of overspending beyond income, student loan debt.
Excellent point IL. Who wants someone with a lot of baggage?

[Ultralight]

Excellent point IL. Who wants someone with a lot of baggage?

You -- especially you, Jeppy -- are probably quite intimately aware of this, but after about age 35 virtually everyone who is still single has a lot of baggage -- whether it be emotional baggage (often presents itself as bitterness, ya know?) or a bunch of kids from a previous failed relationship or credit card debt or some sort of illness or tragedy and so on.

My baggage is my student loan debt and a (usually manageable) chronic illness.

I think that post 35, those of us that are part of the "rejects" or the "leftovers," we need to be somewhat accepting and willing to deal with some significant baggage.

I am reflective enough to note that I have not been especially forgiving to others for their baggage in the past. And that cost me at least two good shots at a life partner -- maybe more than two! Live and learn.

I also think that most good, decent people know how to forgive or are learning to forgive. Forgiveness is so important, Jeppy. Forgiveness is some of the best of our humanity. I hope you learn to forgive someday.

[Ultralight]

My stepfather was 28 years old when he married my 38 year old mother and got her 4 kids (ages 7-17) in the package. Can you imagine that? And he wasn't Mr. Rogers, or Dr. Spock. He was "uneducated" (a term I hate when it means someone hasn't gone to college but that's what he was), had had no prior marriage nor children of his own, and had had a rough upbringing himself.

But what a great stepdad! He was more like a big brother. Being there for mom and for us, but never pretending to be Father. He was funny--he drew silly cartoons, took us on spontaneous trips to Times Square and Sleeping Giant Mountain and motorcycle races. The first time I set foot in Vermont was on one of these trips.

And sometimes he would just erupt in fun nonsense--standing in the middle of the of the living room and shouting "Googly-OOMpa-OOMpa-Hooooonky-Tooooonky!!" And we would all laugh. But he was also the one who, when he moved in, brought his books of The World's Greatest Literature and other books, like those by Ayn Rand (OK, he wasn't perfect) which I would pore over.

It was challenging, but he didn't seem to feel that we were a case of "taking the bad with the good" part of his relationship with my mother. I've always been amazed at his contribution to our family.

Impressive guy!


I think you have the potential to contribute similarly to a family--as long as you don't walk in and make them get rid of all their stuff. ;)

Thanks, but I was hoping to take the "ask your mom" route. So whatever the kids are thinking of doing or actively doing I simply say something like: "You better ask your mom about that."

[ApatheticNoMore]

generally debt is only an issue in marriage, so for tying the knot maybe but short of that .... I suppose there may be some risk of common law marriage but that won't even apply until UL's debt is forgiven if things go as planned.

[Ultralight]

generally debt is only an issue in marriage, so for tying the knot maybe but short of that .... I suppose there may be some risk of common law marriage but that won't even apply until UL's debt is forgiven if things go as planned.

My student loan debt stays with me and me only if I were to marry and divorce. There would be no legal obligation for a women I marry or divorce to pay my loans.

I have a little over 5 years left to go in the PSLF program. I am approaching the halfway point. :cool:

[Teacher Terry]

I was 44 when divorced and my friends ranged from 35 to 55. All in the same boat and everyone remarried after between 10-20 dates with different people. Not sure what the problem is.

[Ultralight]

I was 44 when divorced and my friends ranged from 35 to 55.

During what era in history was this? How many times have you been married? Why did you divorce?


All in the same boat and everyone remarried after between 10-20 dates with different people.

How many of these couples are still married?


Not sure what the problem is.

Take some guesses. Speculate.

[rosarugosa]

UL: I think your self-reflection is taking you in the right direction. You are a good-looking, intelligent, decent person and I'm confident that you can find a great life partner if that's what you really want. I think it's the rigidity of your criteria/screening that is getting in the way.
I'll bet all the happily partnered people on this forum could think of at least one thing about their partner that would not pass muster if they were writing a personal add looking for their ideal SO (and I'm sure our SOs could say the same about us). It really is possible to live harmoniously with someone who does not meet all of our ideal criteria if we love him/her enough. IL is wise enough to value a happy life over a clean basement, for example. :)

[Teacher Terry]

It was in 1998. Everyone is still married. We are all still friends.

[Ultralight]

It was in 1998. Everyone is still married. We are all still friends.

Now I realize this is a controversial position. But that does not render it null.

Here is what I think. For most people it does not matter all that much who they marry. As long as you are within normal ranges of normalcy then most any normal person who buys into most aspects of the dominant culture will do the trick.

So when normies (not that there is anything wrong with being a normie) get divorced and then remarry other normies and then say: "See how easy it is?! Piece of cake!"

I laugh.

I look like a normie, more or less. But I don't think or live like one.

I have dated basic women. And they really dislike my lifestyle and my philosophy. It grates on them. They hope to just get me to be basic too.

[Ultralight]

UL: I think your self-reflection is taking you in the right direction. You are a good-looking, intelligent, decent person and I'm confident that you can find a great life partner if that's what you really want. I think it's the rigidity of your criteria/screening that is getting in the way.
I'll bet all the happily partnered people on this forum could think of at least one thing about their partner that would not pass muster if they were writing a personal add looking for their ideal SO (and I'm sure our SOs could say the same about us). It really is possible to live harmoniously with someone who does not meet all of our ideal criteria if we love him/her enough. IL is wise enough to value a happy life over a clean basement, for example. :)

Thank you.

And these are excellent insights. :)
Much appreciated.

[Chicken lady]

A friend once told Dd “your parents will never get divorced. They are too weird to ever date anyone else.”

there was the set of men I could live happily with, and there was the set of men I could be happy raising children with, and there was the intersection - I am 50. Dh is the only person I have ever met (single or married to someone else) who fit in the intersection.

my children are grown now, so my options would be wider - I think expanding to single moms is a good idea. Also, how would you feel about having a minimalist ultralight space and a normie/cluttery space in your home? Like, if she wanted to travel out of a backpack with you, but also store a bunch of crap for her kids in the basement and have a messy craft room in the house and decorations in the living room and a full closet?

[Ultralight]

A friend once told Dd “your parents will never get divorced. They are too weird to ever date anyone else.”

there was the set of men I could live happily with, and there was the set of men I could be happy raising children with, and there was the intersection - I am 50. Dh is the only person I have ever met (single or married to someone else) who fit in the intersection.

my children are grown now, so my options would be wider - I think expanding to single moms is a good idea. Also, how would you feel about having a minimalist ultralight space and a normie/cluttery space in your home? Like, if she wanted to travel out of a backpack with you, but also store a bunch of crap for her kids in the basement and have a messy craft room in the house and decorations in the living room and a full closet?

No offense, but you are not a normie. You are kind of a weirdo. ;)

So it makes sense to me that such a small percentage of the population would work for you romantically.

Regarding the hypothetical single mom you refer to above:
1. Does she have something like Borderline Personality Disorder?
2. Can she pay half the rent?

[Chicken lady]

I was speaking as a weirdo - hence a comparable set of options....

Suppose she can pay half the rent and she suffers from something like ptsd or depression that is basically controlled with therapy and meds?

[SteveinMN]

I am 40 now, and mostly invisible to quality women. They literally look right through me.
I was 42 when I was divorced and more popular with women than I ever was in my teens or 20s -- and it's not because I made oodles of money or looked any more like George Clooney.

Some of it was me: I was older; I had thought more about life; I had softened some stances I'd taken in life (the divorce pushed me to re-evaluate pretty much every assumption I ever made); I had a much better sense of who I was (and who I did not want to be); I had a career; and I had quality people as friends.

But some of it, tbh, was the women I met. I think many women I met now were thinking differently about what they wanted in a partner. The boyish behavior that was fun and exciting at 20-something became too much of a roller coaster ride. Being a "hunk" didn't make up for being immature or for an inability/unwillingness to change with life; that did not hold up well to sustaining a career or raising children. Some women learned that marriage was not reform school; they had no hope of changing their husband -- and they weren't interested in a guy who would want to change them. All of a sudden a guy who wasn't "cute" (or "cut") and who was emotionally and financially stable and didn't insist on going out with the local version of Kim Kardashian was a lot more interesting.

Maybe that makes me a "normie". OK. I'm a normie in a happy stable marriage. We're still exploring the world together and we're still adjusting to some aspects of each other's personalities after more than a decade together. But that's what most people do. UL, while I know you have a strong conviction in many areas of your life -- discount them at your own peril -- you seem like a "normie" in a lot of respects -- you're not Clooney but you're not Moe Syszlak either; you've got a good sense of humor; you appreciate good food and art; you like dogs; you're definitely not hung up on owning an expensive car or being house-poor to show off. I don't know what-all you might want to change to attract more attention/dates but I would suggest some of the change centers on your notion that you're too many standard deviations from normal to attract anyone interesting. Maybe it's a matter of reframing your personal perception. Or maybe you're really done dating or hoping for an LTR. But I don't believe you're quite there yet.

[Ultralight]

I was speaking as a weirdo - hence a comparable set of options....

Suppose she can pay half the rent and she suffers from something like ptsd or depression that is basically controlled with therapy and meds?

Okay, one weirdo to another, you get it! haha

PTSD or depression? I could probably live with her having this, depending how it manifests. I would prefer she just use medical mary jane though.

[Chicken lady]

So, my description is loosely based on a couple of single moms I actually know who have no kids under ten, are not looking for a replacement father, and fit the 35-50 window. One has a loosely eastern based spirituality and the other is an atheist. As I am an extremely unsocial person, even the fact that I skew toward socializing with other weirdos makes your odds look better.

[Teacher Terry]

Saying that normal people can marry anyone and be happy is ridiculous. I think Steve is right that being older brings maturity and a better understanding of what’s important. If I had lived with my ex I would have realized we were incompatible. I lived with my husband for almost 6 years before we married. Like IL marital happiness involves compromise in that we both let our messy husbands have areas which they can trash. In return we have dogs when he would prefer to be pet free in our senior years. Totally worth it as we have so much fun together even after all these years.

[Ultralight]

I was 42 when I was divorced and more popular with women than I ever was in my teens or 20s -- and it's not because I made oodles of money or looked any more like George Clooney.

Some of it was me: I was older; I had thought more about life; I had softened some stances I'd taken in life (the divorce pushed me to re-evaluate pretty much every assumption I ever made); I had a much better sense of who I was (and who I did not want to be); I had a career; and I had quality people as friends.

But some of it, tbh, was the women I met. I think many women I met now were thinking differently about what they wanted in a partner. The boyish behavior that was fun and exciting at 20-something became too much of a roller coaster ride. Being a "hunk" didn't make up for being immature or for an inability/unwillingness to change with life; that did not hold up well to sustaining a career or raising children. Some women learned that marriage was not reform school; they had no hope of changing their husband -- and they weren't interested in a guy who would want to change them. All of a sudden a guy who wasn't "cute" (or "cut") and who was emotionally and financially stable and didn't insist on going out with the local version of Kim Kardashian was a lot more interesting.

Maybe that makes me a "normie". OK. I'm a normie in a happy stable marriage. We're still exploring the world together and we're still adjusting to some aspects of each other's personalities after more than a decade together. But that's what most people do. UL, while I know you have a strong conviction in many areas of your life -- discount them at your own peril -- you seem like a "normie" in a lot of respects -- you're not Clooney but you're not Moe Syszlak either; you've got a good sense of humor; you appreciate good food and art; you like dogs; you're definitely not hung up on owning an expensive car or being house-poor to show off. I don't know what-all you might want to change to attract more attention/dates but I would suggest some of the change centers on your notion that you're too many standard deviations from normal to attract anyone interesting. Maybe it's a matter of reframing your personal perception. Or maybe you're really done dating or hoping for an LTR. But I don't believe you're quite there yet.

Steve, I think it is great that you were successful in finding a partner!
I also think that it is great that you were so popular.

And I want to emphasize that I am not taking pot shots at normies.

If you are a normie and it is working well for you, then norm it up daily! :)



But being a child-free-by-choice, atheist, minimalist, teetotaler knocks me right out of normtown.

[Ultralight]

Saying that normal people can marry anyone and be happy is ridiculous. Ooooooooookay! hahaha

[rosarugosa]

I think the crazy high divorce rate shows that "normie" marriage partners aren't quite as interchangeable as you might think.

[herbgeek]

I think it's the rigidity of your criteria/screening that is getting in the way.
I'll bet all the happily partnered people on this forum could think of at least one thing about their partner that would not pass muster if they were writing a personal add looking for their ideal SO

fwiw, when I was in my early 20's I actually did have a list. And then I met my husband after much dating, and he had almost nothing on the list. I struggled with this, but gave him a shot anyways.

My lessons learned:

1. What I thought would make me happy turned out to be inaccurate for the long term (at the time, I was highly concerned with upward mobility and joining the yuppie class- he was at a socio economic status significantly below where I was).

2. People change and grow, and my husband now is not what he was then. Example: My spouse did not have a college education when I met him, but got one later, and turned out to be more intellectual than I had imagined. Being able to discuss events in depth is important to me. But I would have written him off just because I couldn't check off the box on him when we met.

There was post UL several months ago that I had really objected to where you categorized a bunch of women as unsuitable just based on their photo in the ad. It seemed to me to be hasty and potentially inaccurate. You were ascribing values and behaviors to people just based upon their picture. Perhaps that works for you as a good screening device, but based on you saying its harder for you to find someone compatible, maybe you want to revisit this. Maybe /some/ of these women are not so clear cut in one category or another.

[Ultralight]

I think the crazy high divorce rate shows that "normie" marriage partners aren't quite as interchangeable as you might think.

I think that the remarriage rate -- and who they remarry -- lends credence to my point.

I think it is more of a "I am sick of McDonalds, let's go to Burger King" type of a thing. haha

[rosarugosa]

I think that the remarriage rate -- and who they remarry -- lends credence to my point.

I think it is more of a "I am sick of McDonalds, let's go to Burger King" type of a thing. haha

But a lot of people I know really struck gold the second time around.

[SteveinMN]

But being a child-free-by-choice, atheist, minimalist, teetotaler knocks me right out of normtown.
Maybe so. But what I really think knocks you out of normtown is rigidity.

Atheist? Fine. Do you completely excise from any chance in your life even the lightly spiritual? The "CE Christian", found in church only on Christmas and Easter, more out of habit and social pressure than conviction? The New Ager who believes in the presence of spirit in all things, animate and inanimate, but would be okay with your belief that that does not exist? Maybe the teetotaler in you would choose not to become seriously involved with a woman who has a five-figure wine cellar in the basement of her house. But would it be okay if your potential beloved had a box of wine in the closet that she tapped for a glass after work each Friday -- and which she didn't care if you shared or not?

Maybe because I'm a "normie" I just don't understand drawing so many hard lines and then commenting on how hard it is to move around inside that box. I understand that there are non-negotiables. But if there are too many non-negotiables, you end up empty-handed (and empty-bedded). If maintaining that binary "you are/you are not" sense of order in your life is worth sacrificing something that you've written here many times that you want, then sacrifice away. I guess one of my takeaways in getting bumped around in life is that there's damn little in life that's completely black or white. But you have to do you and you get to pay whatever price it takes for being you.


But a lot of people I know really struck gold the second time around.
I know I did. I like to think that both DW and I did the work to figure out who we were, what we wanted, and what we could "give" on. We both say we would never have gotten together had we met 20-30 years earlier. Neither one of us is 100% what the other would have conjured up by ourselves. But it works well -- even some of the stuff we had no clue about. DW never figured she'd become a fan of bluegrass music. I never figured I'd love being "Gwampa". There's a balance to being open and knowing what works/doesn’t work for you. But evolution does not happen without life deviating from the expected.

[Zoe Girl]

I am not neurotypical for a variety of reasons. However I would like someone that had a lot of typical qualities or tastes or interests. I would be more worried that they would not like me. Mostly I am okay with people doing what they like because I have an odd combination of interests. There is no way there is someone who will share the same ones. That means I am very open to other people and their interest, even if they are typical. One of my new friends is in the meditation community so we talk deeply, apparently he also loves football.

People with baggage, well we all have it and we are all dealing with it the best we can. Baggage can be good stuff too (IMHO). Maybe their last relationship didn't work but they learned about themselves, or a new interest, or how to relate better? Not every relationship that ends (including ones that created a child) has negative baggage after all.

[ejchase]

When I divorced at 42 I knew if I were in a long-term romantic relationship again, it likely would be with someone who had kids. That wasn't a problem for me beyond the logistics of figuring out where I would fit in. But it did require a little consideration on my part. I seriously dated women with kids who were in college and with kids who were in primary school; women whose exes (the fathers) were actively in the picture and women whose exes were completely out of the picture. Some friends I didn't date were single mothers, as well, and discussed the challenges of dating as a single mom.

My takeaways:

- It's a little different if the children are grown up and out of the house, but a single mother will put her kids first. She has to -- in some cases, there is no other parent around. Be prepared for a child's sudden needs (illness, dating breakup, last-minute cupcakes, etc.) to supercede your needs. Understand mom's reticence to introduce you to her kids quickly; most parents do not want to parade an array of "overnight guests" before their kids and they're keenly aware of the message their sleepovers send when they're trying to teach their kids that sex is for committed relationships.

- Unless the children are very small and you and mom end up as long-term moved-in partners, you are not "dad". Most of these kids already have fathers and, even if they don't, mom has been handling the job long enough that some newbie is not going to step in and take on the role. That's not to say it won't ever happen. But it will be a mutual decision made by the children and by you over time -- and it won't happen if either side does not want it. Clearly if you see the 10-year-old playing with matches and mom is somewhere else, you do something. But a lot of the rest of childrearing will be off-limits to you unless you are invited to participate. I say that as the grandpa who did not have either parent to our grandkids, but as the one who's far more involved with all their lives than the bio-dads.

- You may not initially be received by the kids with open arms. My wife's (college-graduate) daughter stayed at arm's length from me at first -- partially because she did not know me (no, I didn't know her, either) and partially because she and mom had been a duo for about 20 years and my presence (especially as fiance/husband) challenged that. I think you will understand this particularly because, frankly, it's much the same if mom has a long-term pet. You're the interloper and now mom has someone else to whom she's giving time and attention. Just be aware of the dynamic.

- Even though you're not officially part of the kids' lives, they're not just furniture. An ex-gf and I are still friends and she still comments on the impression I made on her teenaged daughter when I brought flowers to dinner the first time I met the kids because daughter's birthday was a few days into the future. Take an interest, chat, and be available if/when they reach out to you.

Hope that helps.

This is such excellent advice. I haven't read the rest of the posts.

I am a single mother, a person who was in the middle of both my single parents' dating lives, and an "ex-stepmother" for lack of a better term (though I am still close to and on good terms with my daughter's older half-brother and half-sister). The only thing I would add to what Steve has said is to remember that the kids were there first, which means their needs come first most of the time until they leave home. A good parent will also recognize that she needs to take time for her own social life and relationships, but she has brought a human being (or more) into the world, may feel some sadness at not having been able to raise that child or children in a household with both their parents, and is doing her best to move forward and be a good parent anyway. Please respect how challenging that can be.

Twenty years after my father remarried, after we met literally 10 different girlfriends over a decade while he dated, he still sometimes says we are "lucky" our stepmother is so good to us. While my dad and his wife are wonderful in many ways, I can't tell you how offensive this comment is to me (and he and I have had this conversation too). Blended families often happen because adults have messed up - unless someone dies, they often happen because they fail to make their relationships work - so adults need to see *they* are lucky if a kid is welcoming and open to a new partner and need to be very patient and respectful if they are not, though limits, at times, may need to be set.

I repeated the mantra "They were here first" many times to myself in the years I was a stepmom to two teenagers while I was also caring for a newborn, and I am so grateful I did. So far, my daughter is being raised in a very non-traditional family but with a fair amount of peace and love, which I feel is a big accomplishment.