View Full Version : Strategies for dealing with annoying people in groups?
I am going to mention a specific instance, but I'm really looking for ideas/conversation around a larger theme: how/when do you deal with annoying people in voluntary groups (like hobby groups)? Do you say something? Do you modify your own behavior somehow to have less impact on you? Do you avoid the person, or phase out of the group? What kinds of mental coping strategies can you suggest? Please share your stories.
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If you want the details, here's my story:
Here's my specific instance: A few months ago I joined this small garden club in the next town over. There is one person who is just generally annoying to me (bossy/talks to us like we are her children) , but my biggest grievance is her continual lateness/keeping people waiting, and she doesn't seem to notice that others are waiting on her and of course never apologizes.
A few weeks ago, we went to a public rose garden and had to wait for her to show up at our meeting place about 20-30 minutes before we car pooled. When we got to the garden, we tried to get a reservation at the restaurant they have there, and the host said they were really full but they could squeeze us in at 11:45, if we could agree to vacate the table in time for another party at 1:15. We walked around the gardens, and when it was 11:30 we starting gathering to walk back the 5-10 minutes to where the restaurant is. I told AlwaysLatePerson this, and she said ok, let me know when you're going over. I said, I just did, we are heading over now. She shows up 20 minutes past the reservation (we didn't wait for her). After we finished dessert, we are keeping an eye on the clock, since we wanted to honor our commitment and she just kept talking even though we reminded her we needed to vacate the table. So after that, we walked outside as er were going to continue to explore some more. Where is LatePerson? We first thought she was in the ladies room, but after 20-30 minutes, one of us when in to see what was up and she was busy taking photographs! She never said anything to anyone of us, we're just waiting for her out front.
When its time to leave, we all gathered, and then she strikes up a conversation with a couple of strangers and continues it for a good 1/2 hour while the rest of us are waiting there.
This week, we agreed to meet at 1:30, for a garden tour (someone not in the garden club). We are supposed to be at the host's at 2. LatePerson texts at 1:20 saying she will be at our meeting place at 1:45 (which would be ok if we left then). At 2:05, she still has not showed, and not called or texted an update, and when we called her, she was still 15 minutes away, so we changed our meeting place to be near where the tour was being held. After our tour, our group is ready to leave and the host is seeing us to the door, when LatePerson looks into a private room (not part of the tour) and wants to look at this doll collection - while again we are all standing there waiting for her.
I really like the other people in this club. I realize lateness is MY issue, and not everyone has the same sense of time, or puts the same importance upon being punctual, but I know at least 2 other members are aware that this is a chronic issue. I don't expect her behavior to change, I just want to minimize its impact on me.
So, other than taking my own car on our outings (I would miss out on the friendship on the car rides :() , what kinds of coping strategies can I use to not let this behavior impact me or annoy me so much? Also interested in your Annoying Person stories.
That would aggravate me as well. Over the years I have learned to avoid carpooling for so many reasons - smokers, chronic complainers, some who wanted to go shopping or drop in on a friend etc.
I would offer to drive and set the rules - go and leave time and state clearly that no-show on time means no-go with you. I suspect that others will be as frustrated as you are and appreciate an alternative. This individual may not see her behaviour as a problem if it has been tolerated for some time by the group. Does she have amazing redeeming qualities that all enjoy?
That behavior would drive me nuts, too.
It brings to mind something that happened when I visited my two grandkids and DIL on Saturday. She was talking about GS5 going to a different school over the next week. He was there during that discussion, and my DIL wisely counseled DS, "Remember, L, there is always going to be a Carter." Apparently there's a kid called Carter in his current school who is as annoying as AlwaysLatePerson. But she's right--when you are with a bunch of people--whether in a volunteer group or in a classroom, you can't pick who those people are going to be. There's always going to be a Carter.
In this case, I would do what I learned in Al-Anon. Don't enable, and take care of your side of the street. So you were right to not wait for her at the restaurant. If she's in the middle of talking when the restaurant expects you to leave, walk out. Who says you have to be polite to her? And you can even say "We are going to be leaving at XX:00 and we're not waiting for anyone, so make sure you're here. Then if she isn't--hey, it's not like she hasn't been warned.
If you enjoy the group, unfortunately you have to take the bad with the good. But yeah, that kind of self-absorption drives me crazy.
iris lilies
7-23-19, 4:15pm
Why your group continually waits for this person is beyond me. She has proven herself to be a fringe member of the group, fringe because she doesnt honor start times.I have had many garden club friends(really, they are acquaintances) who are friends within the context of garden activities only. The ones who exhibit continual flakiness, outsize emotional reactions, or extreme illogic, get my “ strong boundary” treatment.
Yeah I just joined so I'm still observing the group dynamics...Typically when we go places, there are 4 or 5 of us, so its usually one car.
Simplemind
7-23-19, 4:25pm
Wasting peoples time is a big sin in my book. I would bring up the topic once, that being punctual with this group is non-negotiable when there is a car pool or reservation. Be there or be left. No heartburn when you set boundaries and keep them. If somebody kept me waiting like that their eventual company would not extinguish my irritation. Leaving without them wouldn't even cause a blip on my radar. They rarely change their behavior.
Chicken lady
7-23-19, 4:51pm
It’s lateperson’s group. Herbgeek joined it. If herbgeek wants to be in charge of the group that us always on time, she can risk being a group of one, fracturing the group, or taking the group away from lateperson. The other group members might be happy to have someone finally stand up to lateperson, or they might not. I doubt herbgeek is ever going to be good enough friends with lateperson to have a chance of changing her.
i would either change the things I could (me) and accept the things I couldn’t, or leave. But then, i’m a socially isolated introvert.
Teacher Terry
7-23-19, 4:59pm
I would have to kill her:))
Herbgeek, is this group something that could be started up closer to your home once you see how it is organized, its activities and interests. Others may have tried to join and got frustrated and left. Just a thought...
What I thought when I read this is that latecomer is seeking attention...bigly. Somehow this serves her. Why else would she be so consistently and predictably late and disobedient? ETA: I doubt if she could ever receive enough attention to quench her need for it.
i would either change the things I could (me) and accept the things I couldn’t, or leave. But then, i’m a socially isolated introvert.
Yes, I'm looking for help in doing that.
I'm also a socially isolated introvert, and trying to branch out and try new things. But then I hear there is a Carter in every group, so I'm tempted to just stay home and not try. ;) I'm not going to change LatePerson, plus it isn't my job as an adult to change another adult, particularly one who hasn't indicated they want changing. :)
Chicken, you enumerated my choices so clearly. If I join an existing group (not sure how long its been a group) and then try to change the norm of what the group has previously allowed, I could piss everyone off and have no group. There's no real leader in this group. I haven't been with them long enough to know how speaking up would go over.
Razz, I'm still looking for something to admire in LatePerson. That's the strategy I used at work with annoying people: find something in common or something I liked about them.
Somehow this serves her. Why else would she be so consistently and predictably late
What I've observed is that everything seems to fascinate her. Her car is full of fascinating (to her) things (aka looks like a hoarder, I have no idea if she really is one, but it sure looks that way, why would you spend the money on a Tesla and then just fill it with random things?) She stops to look at fascinating things, and I'm guessing she has no idea how much time has passed. She does not appear to pick up on other's emotions or facial expressions (even her adult daughter's). Which sucks for me, because I have a great "Eleonore" face. An Eleonore face is what my husband calls that disapproving look that my mother gives when strangers don't meet her approval. :devil:
I used to have a friend who was chronically late. I finally would just leave if she didn't show up in a reasonable amount of time. I've read that chronically late people have all kinds of reasons (none of which resonate with me) for their behavior. As Chicken lady says, though, you can really only change yourself.
iris lilies
7-23-19, 10:48pm
If you genuinely enjoy the company of these other people and their excursions, were it me, I would drive separately. That way you could always plead “ gotta go do x” and leave if you have had your fill of the group or the excursion. Or, if it turns out to be a time where you dont mind waiting, you wouldn't have to leave. If you have a car, you have control.
If you all are standing around waiting for her to look at dolls or take photos or whatever, it is these times that I ask the car driver “when are we leaving?” So thst I may scurry off to look st the rose garden or whatever one more time.
I dont especially like looking at gardens with a gaggle of people. While I know I learn from them, I usually just take off from groups. We toured multiple gardens recently and I even get away from DH to go on my own chosen path. I do like meeting up with him and he mentions “ did you see thus snd such?” And if interesting and I missed it, I go back to look at thus and such.
There's no real leader in this group.
Yes, there is. It's LatePerson. Maybe others in the group are not emulating her lateness or level of distraction, but they certainly are letting her set the pace for the group and they tolerate her behavior.
Personally i’ve never been a big fan of group anythings because people tend to annoy me. Yesterday we stayed longer than usual at happy hour because a friend had just arrived and wanted to come to dinner with us. 45 minutes later they didn’t want to leave happy hour so we went to dinner without them.
For me the late person would be the reason i quit the group. And i would tell the others in the group. They may not care but they deserve to be told.
I would bring it up the next time it happens. It is very rude to be chronically late not to mention disrespectful. Why the other members tolerate it is beyond me. When she's finally present do you enjoy the time?
Personally, I would rather do these kinds of activities alone that have someone else own my day by being tardy and then disappearing into something else when we're all ready to depart.
I know this is an older thread but 5 years ago, I set a rule. If someone is late or is constantly the source of issues, I move on. Example: Our real estate agent we had for 2 properties. She would CONSTANTLY Show up 30 to 1 hour late, for a meeting with us and laugh about it. Last time we were going to hire her, she was 10 minutes late. I texted her and told her in 5 minutes, I was leaving the premises. Never received a text, so I left. She texts me an hour later and asked where I was. If it was the other way, as in departing, I would just leave, on time.
Another example: Job interview. I know sometimes they are testing your patience or how you react but my future boss was almost 2 hours late to my interview. This was not in a job that has any emergencies that would warrant that type of behavior, outside of her own personal situation, which they stated it was not. She was just late and didn't care. They kept apologizing to me and acting almost nervous about this lady. They put me back out in the waiting room, after interviewing with some others for almost an hour and she still was not there. After 15 minutes, I left. If she didn't value me during the interview, I probably would not be valued at the job. And when they called, I explained that to the admin. assistant. She said this lady was constantly late, admitted to it! YEP! RED FLAG!
I value my time too much now. If they don't like it, they can find another way to get there, another person for the job and just ignore me during interactions. Life is too short!
iris lilies
6-7-20, 5:21pm
I don’t like piling together in cars anyway, and of course in COVID-19 situations we don’t do that anymore. I have a garden club friend who is mad at me right now and is always late. She is probably a bit of a hoarder. Yes I think she’s fascinated by everything much like herbgeek’s friend in her garden club.
The first time we were getting together in one car to go someplace an hour away, my friend was late. We were going to a class that started on time and the class leader had told us how we’re starting on time and we’re not waiting for anyone. We were 10 minutes late. My friend took on the responsibility for making us late. However – that was the first and only time I was going to let her determine my schedule.
The next time we had an out-of-town training opportunity she inquired about riding with me 2 1/2 hours. I told her I didn’t know when I was leaving – which was the truth because I had several things going on and I did not want to make a commitment to her that locked me in. When I arrived at the training site, she was not there. She was more than 30 minutes late to the training. She had had a hard time finding it. Yeah it was hard to find that’s why I scoped it out well before because it was tricky to find.
For day 2 of training she was still unsure of the best way to get there, and she asked me “may I ride with you tomorrow morning to the Training?” I told her nope sorry, But you can follow me in your car, if you are in the hotel lobby at 7:30 AM. She thought that was fine. The next morning she was not in the hotel lobby at 7:30 AM and I left because I had told her I wasn’t gonna wait for her.
She’s mad at me for other reasons, not because of these issues.Or maybe she’s mad at me for accumulation of things especially this! But it doesn’t matter I don’t care.
I don’t like piling together in cars anyway, and of course in COVID-19 situations we don’t do that anymore. I have a garden club friend who is mad at me right now and is always late. She is probably a bit of a hoarder. Yes I think she’s fascinated by everything much like herbgeek’s friend in her garden club.
The first time we were getting together in one car to go someplace an hour away, my friend was late. We were going to a class that started on time and the class leader had told us how we’re starting on time and we’re not waiting for anyone. We were 10 minutes late. My friend took on the responsibility for making us late. However – that was the first and only time I was going to let her determine my schedule.
The next time we had an out-of-town training opportunity she inquired about riding with me 2 1/2 hours. I told her I didn’t know when I was leaving – which was the truth because I had several things going on and I did not want to make a commitment to her that locked me in. When I arrived at the training site, she was not there. She was more than 30 minutes late to the training. She had had a hard time finding it. Yeah it was hard to find that’s why I scoped it out well before because it was tricky to find.
For day 2 of training she was still unsure of the best way to get there, and she asked me “may I ride with you tomorrow morning to the Training?” I told her nope sorry, But you can follow me in your car, if you are in the hotel lobby at 7:30 AM. She thought that was fine. The next morning she was not in the hotel lobby at 7:30 AM and I left because I had told her I wasn’t gonna wait for her.
She’s mad at me for other reasons, not because of these issues.Or maybe she’s mad at me for accumulation of things especially this! But it doesn’t matter I don’t care.
My new saying..is excuse my sailor..but F it! I ain't tolerating bad behavior anymore, from anyone. I have boundaries, for my own sanity. It has naturally edited out quite a few people in my life and I am good with that. Peace of mind!
Teacher Terry
6-7-20, 5:55pm
I don’t deal well with people being late. My husband had that flaw when I met him but changed quickly when he realized I wouldn’t tolerate it. His mom would lie to him what time she needed a ride to the airport so she wouldn’t be late. The first time she did this we were way to early because of it. She told me why and I said those days of that crap are over.
I don’t deal well with people being late. My husband had that flaw when I met him but changed quickly when he realized I wouldn’t tolerate it. His mom would lie to him what time she needed a ride to the airport so she wouldn’t be late. The first time she did this we were way to early because of it. She told me why and I said those days of that crap are over.
I don't understand why being chronically late is a thing. It you have to be there BY 5 and know where you are going or even being pro strategic if you don't, then there shouldn't be a huge problem. 10 minutes..ok...but I have a SIL who is always at least 2 hours late. When she had babies, it was the kids fault, then it was a getting ready fault, always an excuse. I don't understand that. It's a basic, common skill, unless there is some issue reading time or judging distance or something. I never understand people late for work, who have been doing a job for at least a year. I also didn't tolerate it as as a Director and had to fire someone who was there 15 years because of it. Our department runs on the timeliness of people showing up. We did everything to accommodate her and she just never could make it, no matter what time you told her to come in. She requested to come in at 5 am to do early pick up and would show up at 6. Well, that throws off the productivity of the whole department, as she should have her pick up prepped by 7. She just thought I was a mean manager. Whatever.
Teacher Terry
6-7-20, 6:12pm
Our relationship wouldn’t have lasted if he hadn’t changed. It tells me that my time isn’t important and neither am I. I won’t put up with it on a regular basis. Everyone loses track of time occasionally.
Our relationship wouldn’t have lasted if he hadn’t changed. It tells me that my time isn’t important and neither am I. I won’t put up with it on a regular basis. Everyone loses track of time occasionally.
True! And life happens but the chronic ones, I don't understand.
Teacher Terry
6-7-20, 6:28pm
I was rarely late for work. One day I wake up and can smell poop. I checked the pads but the smell followed me. After taking the dogs out, getting treats, making coffee I go to get dressed, look in the mirror and have poop in my bangs. My 5lb Maltese liked to sleep on top of my head. Occasionally poop would fall out when she was walking but never on me. I left my boss a message that I would be late and she would laugh because I had to take another shower. I usually showered at night.
I was rarely late for work. One day I wake up and can smell poop. I checked the pads but the smell followed me. After taking the dogs out, getting treats, making coffee I go to get dressed, look in the mirror and have poop in my bangs. My 5lb Maltese liked to sleep on top of my head. Occasionally poop would fall out when she was walking but never on me. I left my boss a message that I would be late and she would laugh because I had to take another shower. I usually showered at night.
HAHAHA! Poop bangs! I would put that down as one I have never heard! LOL
My choir director has a rule that if you’re not there and in your spot by the time the service begins, you have to stand in the congregation until after the sermon. Otherwise, late person is disruptive to choir members.
One gal was repeatedly late (this was before Covid). She was finally told that if she couldn’t be there for an entire service, she couldn’t sing. She was single with no kids and had no real reason for being late. She was just late. She told me she always makes it on time for work. If you’re on time for work but not in your personal life, what’s up with that? I know a ton of people like that! Irks me.
Usually there are psychological reasons, so it is one of those things that you protect your boundaries, but don't worry about why someone acts that way--you'll never know, and it hurts them a lot more than it hurts you.
If you’re on time for work but not in your personal life, what’s up with that? I know a ton of people like that! Irks me.
I know several people who are organized and punctual at work but just kind of a dumpster fire elsewhere. I never figured out what was up with that, either. Kind of like there's enough at stake at work that all their energy goes there and there's none left for the places that can't fire them. smh
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