Letting a friend go

[Teacher Terry]

I have had a male friend for 15 years that we met through another couple. He lived a hour away in the mountains so during the winter he would spend the night if he came to a party at my house. 5 years ago he moved into town and shortly after his long distance relationship broke up. We started to have him over for dinner once or twice a month and cards. He usually makes a salad and veggies once he gets here and I do the rest. About a year ago he made a comment in a joking manner that if my husband wasn’t around he was interested. He has ADD and is kinda socially inept. About a month ago he got pissy because my Maltese bark loudly at his golden when they first come in. This is nothing new. So I immediately take them out until mine calm down. So we come in and he gets a knife to cut the veggies and said this is dirty and threw it across my tiny kitchen past me and it lands in the sink. I asked if he needed a sharper knife and he got a really ugly look on his face and told me to go in the living room and get away from him. My husband was in his office and didn’t hear it. Pretty soon the timer goes off for dinner and everything is normal and then we play cards. He then drinks wine and falls asleep on my couch. He has done this before and spends the night. I turn up the TV very loud and let him know it’s time to go. He mentioned staying over and I said no because it’s too noisy with my dogs responding. I am totally done because I am scared by the whole incident. Haven’t decided if I will tell him on the phone or just be busy when he texts or calls.

[razz]

The silent treatment after 15 years is a n0-go, IMO. He is starting to act inappropriately making you uncomfortable in your own home and that needs to be dealt with. You might want to reduce the number of times or the time of day that he visits for your peace of mind and ensure that your DH deals with him most of the time. OR What about changing the venue? Meet at a restaurant instead for a coffee? Is his social circle shrinking?

Do you have the card playing groups that we have? It is a fund-raiser for building maintenance costs and usually involves progressive euchre, 10 games, a light lunch and everyone goes home. They are available in Legions, churches and community halls and open to the community; cost $4pp. A group can meet there or go just an individual.

[iris lilies]

Dont entertain him in your home again, that’s for sure. If you are tired of his friendship with you, you’re not required to continue it, but you may have to gradually detach as razz suggests.

[Teacher Terry]

Razz, no usually just the 2 of us play cards. Sometimes my husband joins. I think he is getting to attached to me. He is a ham radio operator so has friends from there. I frequently watch his dog and invite him for holidays if he doesn’t go home. My ex was abusive for 22 years so it’s scary.

[Tybee]

Oh, that friendship is over, in my opinion. I am not sure how you disentangle in the safest way but it is definitely not a friendship anymore, and please don't let him in your home or contact him again. I would not offer anything anymore in terms of dog sitting or hospitality and I would get far away from him.

[Yppej]

I agree with Tybee. Safety comes first.

[bae]

It sounds as if something has changed in the fellow.

[JaneV2.0]

It sounds as if something has changed in the fellow.

Yeah--I was thinking he might be having a response to medication, developing dementia, etc.

[frugal-one]

Let your husband know what is going on (if you haven't already) and enlist his advice. From what you said, it is time to let this friend go.

[Teacher Terry]

Not on any medications and still working as a self employed life coach. My husband thinks he is profoundly unhappy because he hasn’t been able to find anyone despite online dating. The problem is he is not very attractive and is 64. He is contacting pretty woman 10 years younger than himself. He also only makes about 30k so cannot afford to do things that cost much money. I think if he was more realistic he would find someone. If he contacts me I am going to say we need a break and hope he just goes away. I am completely done.

[SteveinMN]

He has ADD and is kinda socially inept.

If he contacts me I am going to say we need a break and hope he just goes away.
I expect he will not get the message right away. "Well, how long of a break? How about a couple of months from now? Three months?" If you're truly done, don't hope he just goes away. Tell him outright that his behavior over a couple of visits has been inappropriate and that you think it's time the three of you parted ways.

[Simplemind]

That is a hard one. Not hard on your part because as you said, a line has been crossed. However, it doesn't sound like this has happened before so there could be many things going on. The loss of your friendship is going to be very hard on him. I wouldn't wait to see if he contacts you. I would call him and put your cards on the table. Ask what the hell happened and see how he responds. He absolutely owes you an explanation and an apology. If you don't get it then tell him you are taking a break and not to call.

[Teacher Terry]

My ex apologized until the cows came home but the bottom line is he is a abuser and so is my friend. People like this know all the right things to say. I am protecting me and sorry I tried for so long.

[saguaro]

I would tell him directly that his behavior at your home was inappropriate and you are taking a break, you don't want contact, period. Even if you get an explanation or an apology, you can accept it but you are still taking a break. He should know he crossed a line, I understand it may be hard on him, but your safety comes first.

[beckyliz]

He's a life coach????

[iris lilies]

He's a life coach????


I know! Amazing that he can make am living doing this. How does he get clients?

[Teacher Terry]

He has always been sweet and kind. He has acted this way twice in a month and I am shocked. I don’t intend to ever see or talk to him again. If he texts I will text I am done. I did unfriend him on Facebook.

[catherine]

That's too bad, but that was strange behavior on his part.

[SteveinMN]

Originally Posted by beckyliz http://www.simplelivingforum.net/images/buttons/viewpost-right.png (http://www.simplelivingforum.net/showthread.php?p=331453#post331453) He's a life coach????

I know! Amazing that he can make am living doing this. How does he get clients?
The husband of a friend of mine wore many hats in his life. One of them was "marriage counselor" despite his marriage to my friend being his third one. (She always reminded him of this by asking "What number wife am I?" and expecting the correct response "The last one, dear.").

I have no idea how many clients he ever had; if I had heard this qualification while seeking a marriage counselor I would be excusing myself from the conversation.

[Teacher Terry]

Steve a good counselor doesn’t tell you what to do but helps the couple identify their own unique solutions. I wouldn’t care how many times he was married.

[Tammy]

This is sounding like a change in mental status that could have to do with early dementia - loss of mental filter etc. This is a new behavior after how many years?

[Teacher Terry]

Tammy I don’t think that is the case since he has ADD and can be annoying. He is socially inept at times. Plus this is a person I only see once or twice a month. My friend thinks it’s because he really wants to be married and have what I have.

[Chicken lady]

I keep deciding not to weigh in because I am coming from a very different place, but perhaps a view from a different angle.

you see this person once or twice a month and you have been friends for 15 years. The only friend I have in that category, I consider family. I can’t imagine not being able to discuss the situation. He has been “sweet and kind” for 15 years.

then, he has two outbursts in the same month and he is “an abuser”?

i would be calling him.

”hey, i’m really worried about you. The last couple of times you were out here, you didn’t seem yourself. My dogs upset you with behavior that happens all the time, and then apparently I upset you, and you threw a knife. Which I have to tell you really freaked me out. You know my history and that sort of thing is not ok. Is there something going on with you?”

maybe he is not like family. Maybe you have tons of old friends and you see them all the time. But you might be his family, and he might need you.

[Teacher Terry]

CL, I really appreciate your perspective. I have a pattern of sometimes being friends with people that are needy and take way more than they ever give. These are people that my other friends would never consider. I am not sure why I do this. I have many close long time friends. I think I have PTSD from living with a very verbally and emotionally abusive husband for 22 years. I am actually now scared of him. I told my current husband when we first started living together that the second he ever started yelling or swearing at me to make sure he was packing at the same time. He never contacted me either time to apologize and I am frankly afraid. Even if he did I cannot deal with it. It’s emotional and not logical. Plus he was mean to my 2 little dogs all evening. Not hurting them but mean. My dogs mean the world to me.