View Full Version : Wedding shower rant
Many of my nieces and nephews are now of marriageable age, and I've been attending a lot of wedding showers.
Here is my question. What is the purpose of a wedding shower today? Many of these couples have been living together for years and have all their household needs met. They are educated and make more money than us (we are retired). Yet we're expected to provide them with more?
When I was growing up, young men and women usually lived at home until they married. If they had an apartment, it was usually bare boned. The purpose of a shower was to give them a start in life since they usually had next to nothing.
Some of my nieces had multiple showers! Who needs more than one shower? Who even needs one anymore?
I am very proud of my two kids. Both lived with a spouse before they married. Neither had or wanted a shower. They are professionals who married professionals, yet had very simple weddings with only a handful of people in attendance.
Anyway, that's my rant for today. Thanks for letting me spout off. Now back to the registry to pick out the obligatory gift.
Teacher Terry
8-7-19, 11:30am
2 of our 5 kids are married and neither had a wedding shower. They lived together before marriage. Molly, you are right that in the past it was helpful because things were different. We live across the country from family so this is one thing we don’t have to worry about.
You aren't obligated to give anything that you don't want to. Shower or wedding.
Teacher Terry
8-7-19, 6:20pm
Some of my cousins are now starting to die and we haven’t seen them in 35 years. My sister is getting obsessive with sending flowers to the funeral and buying expensive ones and then wanting my brother and I to share the cost. If I try to say no it’s always well they came to mom’s funeral or something stupid. This is a large family with spouses, etc. A spouse died recently that I never met. After that I emailed her and told her I was done and don’t even ask. If she does the answer is no. When my MIL died she didn’t do anything let alone these cousins.
We've had a rash of destination weddings in DH's large family lately--one is a second d-wedding. The worst was the one who hit us up to contribute to their honeymoon and/or house fund. These young folks make about five times what we make and we're supposed to help them buy a house. Uh, no.
I've started sending a standard gift of a silver cake server. It makes me happy, makes some of the brides Very happy, and pisses off the ones who want us to pay for their honeymoon.
(The one I bought my goddaughter was from Tiffany's, so I'm not all bad.)
in addition to the in memoriams as some pass away, my situation is people celebrating their 50 and 60th anniversaries and sending out invites with 'no gifts please' but one came on an evite that indicated a special fundraising effort trying to raise $600,000 for a charitable effort. I get a really nice card and write my feelings about the couple and that is it. Why does it all require financial contribution as the OP asked.
Years ago, when we started out, we got a bowl, some dish towels or a cup and saucers since we had none of these things. Now it is all about a gift registry. Crazy!
I "do", when I feel like it and "don't" when I don't feel like it. I really don't care what other's think of my choices.
Sad Eyed Lady
8-8-19, 9:44am
I really don't get the multiple shower thing. Just seems greedy to me.
I am with Gardnr. A gift or memorial is given when after some consideration, I feel inclined to do so. It is based on the personal relationship and whether I am close enough to make a meaningful contribution. It is not done based on what others might think. They can spend their money or time the way they choose.
When we invite people to celebrate an occasion, we pay for it. The company and the sharing of the occasion are the important part to us.
I really don't get the multiple shower thing. Just seems greedy to me.
We married at 19 (39y and happy). I had 3 showers. 1 put on at Mom/Dad's church. 1 by my maid-of-honor and 1 by DH's family. Mom was a bit "what do I do" since I go to them all. i told her to rewrap the same gift for all.
We had a nicely stocked kitchen and linen closet. Some of those appliances are still functioning nicely! Others, dead and gone.
Teacher Terry
8-8-19, 9:33pm
It used to be one baby shower but now some are doing it for every kid. My MIL did throw a second baby shower for my second but it was my husband’s first child. Also because of divorce and moving across the country I had nothing left over from my first. That was nice but I was surprised.
I got a baby shower with each of my 3 kids. Not because I wanted them but everyone really wanted to do a shower. With my 3rd I had people bring frozen meals, that was perfect!! Sometimes it is the friends or family that insist on giving a shower and not the couple or parents to be. I know my sister is in a situation where her MIL is pressuring her to give a shower for a young relative who doesn't really want one. They are hoovering me a little because the young couple are vegan and I know how to make the food. We are all gently encouraging the MIL to let it go.
Chicken lady
8-9-19, 6:42am
When my Dd got married she had multiple showers - all given by his side of the family and involving different subsets.they had been living together for a year, but needed stuff. I was surprised at many of the gifts, they seemed like wedding gifts, not shower gifts. Apparently she married the favorite child of a huge family.
My dil had one shower given by her family. I attended and took a nice gift. I asked ds if HE wanted a shower - for tools and practical stuff, but he said no.
i had baby showers with all three kids. The first child, the shower was given by my family and I got a lot of Toys and gadgets. The second child, the shower was given by the organization where I worked, by people who had seen how I was raising the first child, and knew how little I was paid. I got a lot of really useful stuff like diapers and crib sheets and baby socks.
My third child was very late. She was born after dh had already delayed his start date for a new job in a new city twice. He had to leave when she was 2 days old and I had to pack for the move - I had two weeks before he and the truck would arrive. I had a small, tight group of friends, and the day he left, one of them showed up at my door with a couple of sheets of paper and said “you have a boy and a girl and you are moving - here is your “baby shower” it told me who would pick my older two kids up every morning, where they would be at lunch time, and who would bring them home with our dinner each evening. I broke down in tears.
CL, the gift for your third child was an inspiration. These are all interesting to read about. Sometimes, we feel we alone are going through some of life's frustrations and it is nice to hear other viewpoints.
Teacher Terry
8-9-19, 12:35pm
CL, what a great gift your friends gave you the third time. Love hearing the stories.
My nephew recently got married. They have purchased property and are getting ready to build a house. They asked for money towards a honeymoon in Italy. Without getting into the financial irresponsibility from that side of the family.... we elected to get them a gift card to Home Depot to help with expenses with that new home. Dang dude..... I haven't even been to Italy!
My nephew recently got married. They have purchased property and are getting ready to build a house. They asked for money towards a honeymoon in Italy. Without getting into the financial irresponsibility from that side of the family.... we elected to get them a gift card to Home Depot to help with expenses with that new home. Dang dude..... I haven't even been to Italy!
I know! My 2nd son is planning a proposal in ICELAND next May!! They bought tickets already. If you can pay for a trip to Iceland why am I sending you $100 a month to help with food while your in college? Just go ahead and elope and count that as the honeymoon!
That actually sounds very romantic, Float!
Simplemind, I like the home Depot card--they will like it too, when they start working on that house.
One of the pluses of not being social is that people don't usually ask. However, my niece got married, in Los Angeles, and told us 2 weeks in advance. A dear friend of mine had died the week before, also in L.A. and I couldn't afford to go to the funeral, so I'm going to go to your wedding??? If the niece had bothered to let us know a couple of weeks earlier, we could have found cheap hotel and tickets. As was, no. So we didn't go. We had a furnace to replace instead!
One of the pluses of not being social is that people don't usually ask. However, my niece got married, in Los Angeles, and told us 2 weeks in advance. A dear friend of mine had died the week before, also in L.A. and I couldn't afford to go to the funeral, so I'm going to go to your wedding??? If the niece had bothered to let us know a couple of weeks earlier, we could have found cheap hotel and tickets. As was, no. So we didn't go. We had a furnace to replace instead!
Wise choice!
iris lilies
8-10-19, 11:44am
I can afford to go any place I want to attend a wedding but that is no reason for me to travel. At one point we had a friend who would probably get married in Korea so I considered that trip because being part of an Asian wedding would be cool. Our nephew has a Chinese girlfriend and he lives in China so maybe that will happen and maybe we would attend that, I don’t know.
Destination weddings are of no interest to me unless the place where they’re getting married is a place I want to vacation already.
iris lilies
8-10-19, 2:56pm
I can afford to go any place I want to attend a wedding but that is no reason for me to travel. At one point we had a friend who would probably get married in Korea so I considered that trip because being part of an Asian wedding would be cool. Our nephew has a Chinese girlfriend and he lives in China so maybe that will happen and maybe we would attend that, I don’t know.
Destination weddings are of no interest to me unless the place where they’re getting married is a place I want to vacation already.
We had a slew of friends move out west, out in desert land, within the past few years. I waved to them bye-bye and said I’m sorry I won’t see you again because I am not coming out to desert land to visit you so sorry, love you, but hate that desert.
I won’t go out to the American
Iris society convention when it’s in So. California as it was this year because – desert.
Teacher Terry
8-10-19, 3:40pm
We don’t go to out of town weddings but do travel to see family and friends.
To me being a guest at a destination wedding is just about being a prop to fill in the photos for the wedding party. Period. It is not about gathering family and friends to celebrate the marriage of two people but really two people who want fancy photos and a vacation somewhere else.
To me being a guest at a destination wedding is just about being a prop to fill in the photos for the wedding party. Period. It is not about gathering family and friends to celebrate the marriage of two people but really two people who want fancy photos and a vacation somewhere else.
It felt to me that DH's niece was doing it to keep the poor relations away. . .
ToomuchStuff
8-11-19, 10:00am
This sounds like something that should be written to the editorial/opinion section of a paper.
I'll just throw in here the fact that no one sends thank you notes either--after their specific requests for $$ or registries. >:(
On destination weddings:
It felt to me that DH's niece was doing it to keep the poor relations away. . .
DH's niece also had a destination wedding. It was obvious that it was a good excuse to have a vacation but it also had the added bonus of keeping crazy grandma away, which we heard from SIL was a concern.
Years ago, I agreed to be bridesmaid for a friend. She was planning to have a wedding locally but then went to visit her future MIL's house in another state. Future MIL offered to host the wedding at her home, a very nice mansion (friend's future in law family was very wealthy), the friend jumped at the offer. She came back stating that the plans had changed, which meant I was now having to make a several hundred mile trip, plus pay for an hotel stay, plus take time off from work, to stand up for this wedding. At the time, DH and I were struggling a bit financially but since the wedding was originally going to be local, I figured I could swing the cost of the dress and shoes. But now with extra costs, I had to back out. I simply could not afford it. I was not the only one in the party to do so, friend was not happy but then again, she changed the deal with very short notice (this was a very short engagement btw, like 2-3 months).
On showers:
When I got married, I had only one shower. Multiple showers were not typical, except one might have one at work with coworkers and one with family / friends or if there were some other circumstances such as having two sides of the family living in locations far apart from each other. When my cousin remarried several years after I did, someone threw her a shower. Cousin was a bit embarrassed because she had a shower with the first marriage plus both she and future DH had lived on their own for years. They had things but this was the DH's first marriage, so that was probably the rationale for another shower.
My niece was having a shower put on by her future MIL when she was engaged, and then my SIL asked me if I'd go in with her to put on another shower. I asked why, since she was already having a shower. SIL said, because that's how it's done today. I said she is already having a shower so the answer is no.
Then my SIL hit me up for a brunch following my niece's wedding. I told her that if I was going to spend money on anyone's wedding, it would be my own kids.
My husband and I are retirees and I'm tired of being asked to support these yuppie kids. We were yuppies once ourselves, but somehow we managed to pay our own way. These kids can do so too.
Teacher Terry
8-14-19, 7:05pm
Wow Molly your SIL has a lot of nerve.
This is where my one size fits all wedding gift becomes a valuable boundary. That is what they get. If they really want us there and we can afford it, we go. If it is just an invitation so that they can try to get money for their house or honeymoon, we don't give them money and we don't go.
WE have gotten incredibly sweet thank you notes from some of the brides for the gift, so I know it is appropriate and something young women actually ar excited to get.
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