Whose Cat Is It Anyway? A Cat Custody Story...Long [Archive]

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SiouzQ.

8-14-19, 5:15pm

I am immersed in a dilemma that I can't figure out ~ the back story being that when I decided to move out of Michigan and to New Mexico three years ago, I had a cat that I didn't want to take with me at the time because things were happening so quickly and I couldn't arrange bringing her due to the tiny place I was going to be living in. The reason I had this cat in the first place was because many years ago my daughter had an AA friend who was being evicted because he had two cats he wasn't supposed to have. She said she would take one, and called me one Sunday night many years ago begging me to take the other one (temporarily, ha!) while he figured things out. He never did figure things out and after a time I reconciled myself to having a pet again, Mouse the Cat. I grew to love her once she finally warmed up to me.

When I used to go on my yearly road trips out west I would take the cat to my ex-MIL's house and she would cat-sit for three weeks, and when she went to Mexico over the Christmas holidays every year she would bring her cat over to my house for a few weeks. Both cats seemed to get along with each other during these times and we did this for many years. When I was trying to figure out if I was going to move to NM, Grandma B. readily said she would take Mouse, which lifted a huge weight off my shoulders. This worked out for over two years as far as I knew. Whenever I called Grandma B. she said both cats were fine and that she enjoyed having Mouse very much.

Then last summer as you all know, all hell broke loose when I had to rush back to Michigan because my daughter had died of an overdose. Amidst all that I found out that Grandma B. was in the process of getting a dementia diagnoses. When we all went over to her house (it became grief central), the smell of cat pee was overwhelming. Being 87 years old, she hadn't noticed that anything was amiss because she was losing her sense of smell. No one knew which cat was doing the peeing out of the litter box and in between all the crying and grieving, my ex-BIL wanted me to take the cat back. I am stilled pissed off to this day at him; unbelievable at the time I had just lost my daughter and was trying to make arrangements and living 1500 miles away when I didn't have a place for the cat at the time. I tried my best between bouts of agonizing grief to figure out what to do with this cat I didn't feel was mine anymore. I had a friend who was really into cats come and do a consult about how to rearrange the house so they'd be apart, she got more litter boxes, etc. I tried calling different shelters and foster cat places all the while dealing with all the stuff one does after a death, the emptying of her apartment, and then having to get back to NM and work. So I left Michigan after two weeks and left them to deal with the cat. I gave them permission to take the cat to a shelter (and I felt horrible about that but I had no other alternative because I couldn't have a pet in the tiny space I was living in). But Grandma B. didn't want the cat taken to a shelter so I guess they all tried a variety of solutions - my ex-husband had her for a bit but she didn't get along with his other pets. It turns out it was the other cat who was doing the peeing anyway. She then ended up this past year staying at my ex-SIL's empty house in Hamtramck catching mice for her keep. Someone would go over there every few days to feed and water her. I wasn't really kept apprised of what was going on with her; I have no communication at all with my ex anymore, nor my ex-SIL.

Anyway, now that the ex-SIL heard that I just bought a house here in New Mexico she wants me to take the cat back because she is finally selling the house where the cat has been. I was just in back in Michigan a few weeks ago but didn't know if the house deal was going to go through and had no idea at that time what had happened to the cat (Grandma B. was sort of being vague about it) All of the sudden ex-SIL contacted me on Instant Messenger about what to do with the cat that I am not quite sure is my responsibility anymore. I have again given them permission to take her to a (hopefully) no-kill shelter. I'm not sure how adoptable this cat is - she is a feisty one, but very sweet in her own right, but she fights like hell about being picked up and put in a cat carrier. I can't imagine driving with her 1500 miles, or even flying with her. The crux of it is that I do not have the time or the money to fly back to Michigan to get said cat any time soon. Ex-SIL keeps coming up with these creative ways for me to have "my" cat back and it is starting to feel weird to me - I don't know what to do and have explained to her several times that I cannot say definitively when I will be back in Michigan (certainly not until next spring at the soonest). I have told them three times to take the cat to a shelter but they don't want to do it apparently. And I feel so bad for this cat being shuffled around endlessly - if I could teleport her out here I would in a heart beat.

So, that is my long, convoluted story: what I want to know is, do you guys think I am still the owner of the cat now that Grandma B. can't take care of her? What is my responsibility here after so much time has passed? I tried to be as concise as I could spelling out the story of poor Mouse the Cat. Of course there is all this historical background of family dysfunction playing out here too; even though I have been divorced from my daughter's father since 1992, I remained quite close to my MIL all these years. They keep coming up with sort-of solutions, like ex-SIL will keep that cat if I can at some point come get her in the future but I cannot promise that. I have told her this in all these messages, thanking her profusely for taking care of kitty this past year, but always with an out for them - if it is too much, just take the cat to a shelter! I know it may not the ideal solution because of her adoptability, but to subject the cat to a plane ride with a layover that would last all day long seems cruel, let alone driving her 1500 miles (I would never have enough time off to even do that in the future anyway - it's a 3.5 day drive each way).

What would you do?

Tybee

8-14-19, 5:29pm

I'm not saying you should do this, but knowing me, I'd drive back and get the cat and a prescription for tranquilizers and bring the cat back.

Of ship the cat by air.

I know, I know, it's awful, and probably not what you want to hear. But that's probably what I would do. I wouldn't want her to go to a shelter and I'd want her where she was loved and wanted.

SiouzQ.

8-14-19, 5:53pm

Ex-SIL's recent message was that maybe she could keep the cat in her basement temporarily until I can come and get her. I have told her that I cannot at this time drive to Michigan and back, or any time soon. I do not have the money or time to do it in the next six months. I'm also having another wrist surgery in October that is going to set me back for two months minimum. And as far as I know, you can't ship animals by themselves. I think that would be cruel. I just cannot promise her that I will be able to get this cat, period. That is why I am suggesting giving her up, even if it means she may not get adopted. It makes me feel like a horrible person but I am of the ilk that does not put pets at the same status as humans; not that I think pets are disposable things, but in this instance in my life I don't have the resources at this moment to remedy the situation.

Tybee

8-14-19, 6:02pm

I in no way think you are a horrible person! You are just trying to figure it out. Maybe somebody there can work on adopting the cat to someone else in Michigan?

Or, you could look more into flying:

I think you can ship a cat by itself: I put this into the American Airline calculator as though the cat weighed 30 pounds with the kennel. This is what it estimated for Michigan to NM, $329?

Chicken lady

8-14-19, 6:09pm

If you can’t find a hone for the cat, you have three options.

you can let them continue to badger you about the cat.
you can (go) get the cat.
you can arrange for someone else to go get the cat and take it to a shelter.

my son left his cat here when he left for college. He married a girl who has dogs. The cat hates the dogs. The girl is not a cat person. After living without a cat, my son discovered he is allergic to cats. He is now 25. The cat will never live with him again, but it is still his cat.

KayLR

8-14-19, 6:36pm

How old is this cat? Is it adoptable? Because, someone out there will love her and give her a good home if she's given the chance.

Teacher Terry

8-14-19, 7:02pm

I would pay for the cat to be shipped in cargo. It’s your cat. If you don’t have a no kill shelter it will be killed. Grandma did you a huge favor and now is senile. I care more about people than animals but she is your responsibility.

razz

8-14-19, 8:11pm

catherine

8-14-19, 9:02pm

Grandma B. readily said she would take Mouse, which lifted a huge weight off my shoulders. This worked out for over two years as far as I knew. Whenever I called Grandma B. she said both cats were fine and that she enjoyed having Mouse very much.

I'm not a lawyer, but I think Mouse became Grandma B's at that point (and wound up being Grandma B's by common law). This is difficult. If you feel that your life in your new house with your kind-of-new relationship with K would be enhanced by getting Mouse there SOMEHOW then I would do it. But if it's a burdensome prospect to have the cat live with you at this point in your life, I hate to say it, but I would do what you're doing and try to find it a home. [Disclaimer: I'm a dog person, not a cat person, so my opinion may be biased]

SiouzQ.

8-14-19, 11:31pm

The thing is, now that we have a house, having a cat would be doable (especially if there are pack rats to kill). It's just so inconvenient to somehow get her out here. The timing is so bad. No one in that family has communicated with me for this past year about what was going on with this cat, perhaps out of respect to my grief, I have no idea. The whole thing makes me feel just terrible and I don't know what to do. I am going to call all the Ann Arbor shelters tomorrow and find out if there is a place that can foster her or something. It's very hard to explain and arrange this from afar, because I tried last summer to do it but Grandma B. wouldn't hear of any of it. She wouldn't let her kids take the cat to a shelter then so they didn't. She still has her own cat but no one sees it; she's always been a scaredy-cat and hides whenever anyone comes to the house.

What a mess! I guess if I had known what was going on a few weeks ago while I was visiting Ann Arbor perhaps I could have made some kind of arrangements somehow. Like I said before, I have had very little communication from that side of the family ever since my daughter's memorial; I didn't even really know where the cat was all this time.

razz

8-15-19, 7:15am

SQ, talking to a shelter there is probably a wiser move to get some idea. There is a solution waiting that is right for you and the cat.

rosarugosa

8-15-19, 8:49am

I was also wondering how old the cat is and how long she had lived with you, SiouzQ.
Catherine: Would your take on things be different if this were a dog?

catherine

8-15-19, 9:11am

Catherine: Would your take on things be different if this were a dog?

No, I don't think so. A dog would present the same logistical challenges in terms of transport--plus dogs are more high maintenance, so it may be a bigger problem for people who agreed to keep the dog until arrangements could be made. I think I would feel worse about putting a dog in a shelter--especially an older one--and I would hope that a site like Petfinder would help locate a person looking for a "mature" animal. But that's a purely emotional response. I just love dogs more than cats.

pinkytoe

8-15-19, 9:30am

I think you have a new life and unless you are emotionally attached to the cat, I would let it go to a new owner. There must be rescue groups in your hometown who find homes for elderly/sick people's pets with which you can communicate long-distance to arrange. There is a reason they say cats have nine lives - they adapt as needed.

iris lilies

8-15-19, 9:33am

I just have one thing to add: the chances of this cat finding a new home is very low. This is not intended to make Susie feel guilty, it is just a general fact that, granted, doesn’t address the specifics of this cat or her the locality.

iris lilies

8-15-19, 9:34am

Float On

8-15-19, 10:26am

I know there are dog groups and probably cat groups who organize transport across country to reunite pets to owners. Maybe a little research and coordination but that would be doable. If I were driving a stretch of that I'd volunteer to take a cat in carrier part way.
The other option as stated previously get someone outside the family you still know to go get the cat and take it to a shelter. Offer to pay the drop off fee. I think around here it is $25 to drop off a cat at a no-kill shelter.

Simplemind

8-15-19, 10:56am

When grandma decided that she didn't want the cat taken to the shelter that is when it became HER cat. When grandma is getting a dementia diagnosis is when it became THE FAMILY cat (problem).
My dad was very attached to his cat and when we had to finally move him to dementia care we had to find a place that would also accept his cat. None of us wanted it. We did find a place and it charged (sit down for this) $500 a month for the cat. We paid it. We knew that ^^%% cat had 9 lives and would outlive my dad. He did.
We wanted him even less after dad died. My niece decided to take him for which I am eternally grateful.
It is on them to solve this issue along with all the other issues that will present themselves with her dementia. They need to nut up because in the bigger picture this is one of the easier issues for them to resolve and there will be many. They can cut their caregiving teeth on the cat arrangement. God Bless....

razz

8-15-19, 11:29am

When grandma decided that she didn't want the cat taken to the shelter that is when it became HER cat. When grandma is getting a dementia diagnosis is when it became THE FAMILY cat (problem).
Excellent wisdom shared here. Once the authority for the animal's care changes, whether a dog or a cat, other aspects change as well. When you were in MI for the last visit, you could do something, now you cannot.

Teacher Terry

8-15-19, 12:56pm

Animals are not disposable. It’s not hard to arrange for a cat to be flown in cargo. Make arrangements and family members drive it to the airport in a crate. Just because someone did you a favor doesn’t mean you have no responsibility now. Dog or cat I would do the right thing. We drove across the country to get my son’s dog when he couldn’t keep him and flew to Texas to adopt a deaf puppy mill survivor. These weren’t even our dogs.

Geila

8-15-19, 1:27pm

If it was me, I would feel it was my turn to pay back Grandma B's kindness. I'm really impressed that the family has worked so hard to keep the cat out of the shelter. It sounds like they are trying their best to do right by Grandma B and by the cat. I think it's time for you to step up. You can afford the cost to fly the cat out and they are offering to do all they can to make it happen. If you feel that you can't afford the cost, look again until you find a way to afford it. I promise that you will feel better! Doing the right thing always pays off in the end. Also think about what a gift Grandma B gave you in willingly taking care of the cat for as long as she could so that you could pursue a better life for yourself, and think how happy she would be to know that the cat has a good home now that she can't take care of it anymore.

mschrisgo2

8-15-19, 4:08pm

Talk to a shelter where the cat is now, and ask them about a rescue train. Thats where volunteers drive animals, sometimes even all rhe way across country, to their owners. Pilots and Paws is another option- people who have planes and like to fly, deliver pets to their owners. Then make a donation to the organization who brings you the cat.

mschrisgo2

8-15-19, 4:09pm

Alternatively, they may know of someone who takes in senior cats.

SiouzQ.

8-15-19, 8:42pm

Welp, I knew there would be a lot of differing opinions on this when I wrote the initial query. To set the record straight, the cat is not at a shelter at this point. She has been staying in a house owned by my ex-SIL catching mice for her. Apparently she is a good mouser. The house is being sold soon, and that is why this whole issue has come up.

I do not have a lot of financial resources right now after putting the down payment on the house and finding out two days later that we have horrible leaks in the roof. Plus, we need some electrical and plumbing work work as well. I cannot just up and fly back to Michigan any time soon, seeing as I was just there two weeks ago. I have no vacation time left and we are going into the busy season and after that is over, it's another wrist surgery.

So maybe some of you think I am being selfish? I am being realistic at this point. It doesn't mean that I am not trying to find some sort of solution. I called several places in Michigan today; got the cat put on one waiting list for a no-kill shelter and I am waiting to hear back from another. After running errands all over Santa Fe on my only day off, I haven't had any real time to pursue the animal transportation thing yet. I think crating up an animal and shipping it cross-country by itself sounds pretty cruel to me, since this cat HATES being in a carrier (and HATES to be picked up). I can't imagine putting that kind of stress on the poor thing. However, I won't rule it out. I just have to do my research.

As I stated before, no one in that side of the family has contacted me about what was going on with the cat for almost a year. That is mostly why I feel like she is not really my cat anymore. There have been times in my life that I have had to leave pets behind, unfortunately. It was very difficult to leave my two cats behind with my ex, way back when my daughter was 6 months old and I had $300 to my name. I got over it. I have the survival instinct of being able to compartmentalize pretty well, whether that is a good or bad thing I don't know, but it is how I have mentally survived a lot crappy stuff in my life.

I don't expect some of you to be able to understand this, but when resources and time are stretched thin, sometimes you have to make a difficult choice. If it somehow works out that I can get the cat out here, yes, that would be great, but in my heart I feel it would be better to find a home for her in Michigan.

Tammy

8-15-19, 8:48pm

Where I grew up in rural Ohio there were always lots of farmers who were happy to accept cats. Of course they lived in the barn, not in the house. I bet there’s farmers in Michigan who would take this cat in.

SiouzQ.

8-15-19, 8:51pm

She's never been an outdoor cat...

pinkytoe

8-15-19, 11:27pm

One of the most stressful things I ever experienced with pets was traveling here with my two Siamese cats in a cage in the back of my car. The poor things were freaked out for weeks. I don't recommend that option just to assuage some guilty feelings. My opinion is not popular either but given all you have been through, I think you need to move on with your own life and not worry about what happens to the cat. Easier said than done but with time, the decision will just be a memory.

Teacher Terry

8-15-19, 11:44pm

This story reminds me that no good deed goes unpunished. I feel sorry for grandma and the cat.

razz

8-16-19, 7:05am

I think the cat and grandma have obviously been a good and needed blessing to each other so I don't feel sorry for them at all.

SQ, you were back to MI 2 weeks ago and nothing was said. you are tied up now both in time and resources so I suggest that you tell ex-SIL the efforts that you have made and what you have discovered of the waiting list at the no-kill shelter. This cat has had a good life and, as a good mouser, will be valued as such. Time to set some self-care boundaries. You have done what you can.

SiouzQ.

8-16-19, 9:23am

New development: last night I contacted the original owner of Mouse on Instant Messenger (the guy who was being evicted so many years ago because he had cats; we've been "friends" on Facebook through my daughter for awhile). I asked him if he was in any position to be able to get his cat back after what, eight years? It turns out he is back living in Toledo (about an hour from Ann Arbor) and from what I gather is living in an apartment provided by his sister. He just has to ask her today if it is all right to have a cat; he's thrilled about the idea and thanked me profusely for seeing to her for so long.

CROSS YOUR FINGERS FOR THIS TO HAPPEN! I won't say anything to ex-SIL until I know for sure. If it is a go, I will introduce them and let them arrange the custody transfer. This would be the BEST solution, coming full-circle back to her original owner!

rosarugosa

8-16-19, 9:41am

Fingers crossed - that would be such a great outcome!

catherine

8-16-19, 10:04am

Tybee

8-16-19, 10:14am

How wonderful, and fingers crossed. You have done a wonderful thing, linking Mouse up with her original owner!

SiouzQ.

8-16-19, 10:33am

Let's just hope! You know, way back when he pretty much abandoned/surrendered the cat to me due to his eviction emergency for about six months I would ask him if he was in a position to take her back. After a year of fostering her I had fallen in love with her anyway and never heard back from him after awhile. Ultimately, the cat was really his responsibility all along as the original owner if you want to get into the brass tacks of it.

Anyway, splitting hairs at this point. Oh universe, please let his sister say yes to the kitty! She's a really good mouser too!

KayLR

8-16-19, 1:48pm

What a happy coincidence---I wonder if the cat will remember him.

SiouzQ.

8-16-19, 2:33pm

It's not a done deal yet, I should hear by tonight (is what he said).