View Full Version : Trying to get rid of the shoulds
Okay. Simple fact: my family is toxic for me.
My abuser was not a stupid woman, and she used the way my family members are as “proof” that they held me in contempt, were better than me, were ashamed of me, etc.
After decades of work, I can manage most of the time, in most situations, with most people.
I can’t cope with snobs, and my family dynamic is just that for complicated reasons. Also, for decades I presented myself as “less” because that was my role, the bottom of the heap.
I know all that. I also know that a bad encounter with my family can cost me 2 weeks of well being; it’s happened before that I hit a nerve with a family member and whammo, they attacked me, verbally.
I don’t trust them, and I have very good reasons to avoid them.
The most toxic of them for me, including the person I was talking about above, I do avoid.
I keep thinking I should find a way to interact with them, when even a Christmas card can set me off.
I’m not sure if the should that echoes in my head is really from inside me, manufactured by my abuser, or if it’s cultural?
But the question here is have you managed to turn off the ”shoulds” somehow, and if so, what do you do? If you haven’t quite, are you okay with that?
Tia.
If they were not your "family", would you feel the same? Would you feel compelled to keep trying with a back stabbing, anxiety inducing acquaintance, or would you just leave that situation alone?
I’d avoid them like the plague!
I had a similar question asked if me once about one of the more toxic members of my family, and that has helped me keep away.
Interesting idea.
"I keep thinking I should find a way to interact with them, when even a Christmas card can set me off.
I’m not sure if the should that echoes in my head is really from inside me, manufactured by my abuser, or if it’s cultural?"
Is this the "should" you are talking about--how to interact with them socially? I am confused about the should part. I get the part about managing difficult family and how you need to protect yourself. I am struggling with the same issues right now, so boy do I get it. I am just unclear about the should part.
The "should" is the niggle that keeps telling me I can deal with them. That I"m being unreasonable. That it really, probably wouldn't be that bad. The part that wants to convince me that I'm not well, or healed, or complete, unless I can successfully deal with them and all that comes with them. That tells me I'm a coward and a wimp because I'm just happier with them at arm's length or out of my life.
I have had people tell me that I need my family. I've also had people say if I "give it to God" I'll be able to deal with them. Or meditate. Or take up yoga. Or (fill in the blank).
I'd love to. But dysfunctional people, like me, don't get there in isolation. One of our family "myths" is that I have problems and they don't. That's where our split begins. Certainly I have issues. But I did NOT get here in isolation. I was abused and the others weren't, but that's not my only issue.
I'm not looking for apologies or reparations, but a level playing field. And there isn't one and it isn't possible, because part of their egos are based on the idea that they're fine.
One said, "My parents were alcoholics, but it didn't affect me." Their spouse rolled their eyes and I know better. But we don't say it out loud. Another is passive aggressive and is superior to me in all ways and tells me so, either in words or tone of voice. If I call them on it, I get told I'm "too sensitive" or "over reacting" or "making things up."
I can deal with the first, because it isn't an attack on me. I can't deal with the second. because it is.
So the "shoulds" are the part of my head which keeps telling me that despite this, I ought to be willing to deal with all of them, all the time, instead of drawing the rigid boundaries I have. And having written this? That just seems dumb and self-destructive, no matter what the social expectations are!
Have you tried counseling? It sounds like you are dealing with a lot. My son's counselor has given him good advice about which people in the family he needs to avoid.
Teacher Terry
8-18-19, 12:28pm
I wouldn’t be around abusive people regardless of if they are family. I don’t have anything to do with my brother. I got sick of my sister’s abuse and 15 years ago stopped allowing her to visit. We email and if I go home I see her for about 4 hours. In effect I really don’t have siblings. Good thing I have good friends.
Have you tried counseling? It sounds like you are dealing with a lot. My son's counselor has given him good advice about which people in the family he needs to avoid.
Yep, started in 3rd grade. Got diagnosed with PTSD at 45. Decades of it. Most of it was a waste of time. Some of it was very helpful!
Terry, that's pretty much where I am. And most of the time, I'm fine with it. No, I'm better away from them and I know it. But every now and then, the "shoulds" surface again too.
Teacher Terry
8-18-19, 3:25pm
I know more people that don’t care for their siblings than the reverse. My uncle had 8 kids and they are all very close. My parents were excellent so not sure how I ended up with the siblings I did:))
It sounds like the "should" is something you do to yourself, from a part of you that buys into the family placement of you as the scapegoat or designated victim.
It is really hard to overcome that early programming as to how we are taught to see ourselves.
NewGig, are you trying to fill a dream that "if only" circumstances had been different OR "if only" you were smarter, wiser OR "if only" the sun never set OR Camelot was real OR...
At the end of it all, some people are a bad mixture to be around for you. Each of us is worthy, deserving of courtesy and respect from those around us. If you know and understand that the only person you can control is yourself, choose how you want to be treated and dealt with and do it to others and let the rest go. If that means letting go of the undesirables in your life, do it.
I think the old saying is really true, has been true for centuries, so don't keep trying to do it:
"can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear
Be unable to turn something ugly or inferior into something attractive or of value, as in No matter how expensive his clothes, he still looks sloppy—you can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear. This expression was already a proverb in the mid-1500s."
It is very difficult when one's family seems arrayed on another side, and you are the only one with a different perception of what happened. Or they say "you're too sensitive" or "why do you feel that way?"
I find myself doubting myself, and dissing my own feelings after interacting with them. Like I "should" be able to get together with my family without beings so upset and depressed.
So I am telling myself that my feelings are my feelings, and I'm fairly sane, so they're not unreasonable, and probably best to limit time spent with folks who seem to disrespect me and absolutely limit contact with those who act abusively.
And try to treat them the same way I'd treat anyone NOT in my family--with respect and courtesy, but not let them define who I am.
Honestly - sounds like it's time for the Cut Direct. I learned about it on an old site called etiquettehell. It's now badmannersandbrimstone. Basically, that person doesn't exist. If you see them in a social situation, for example, you see right through them. If they send you a card, it immediately goes into the trash. You become a black hole to their contact efforts. You deserve to be treated with love and respect.
Yep, started in 3rd grade. Got diagnosed with PTSD at 45. Decades of it. Most of it was a waste of time. Some of it was very helpful!
Trauma-informed therapy is very different than other types. Thankfully, it is becoming more available as those in the field recognize that trauma is at the root of many people's psych issues.
Have you looked at CaptainAwkward.com? I have found her to be a marvelous resource for learning boundary setting.
Just because they are family doesn’t mean you have to have any interactions with them. I’ve blocked my parents’ cell numbers. I’ve not seen them since 2002. Life is so much less stressful.
mschrisgo2
8-30-19, 12:33am
Abusive family members- I have several, yes, I’m outnumbered. They say I am “over sensitive” and I “don’t understand.”
Well, yes, as a matter of fact, I do understand. I understand that there is no room in my life for mean, abusive, obnoxious people. I’ve blocked my brother’s cell phone number from mine, and severely limit my mother’s phone calls. Fortunately for me, they live 500 miles away.
I’ve seen my sister once in 35 years; we exchanged hello at a funeral. After my daughter and I made plans to visit my mother recently, and mother dearest cancelled on us, Again, it occurred to me that I will not attend her funeral. If she doesn’t want to see us when she’s alive, I’m certainly not going to make the effort when she’s dead. Mother Dearest is 89.5 years old, she can’t live forever.
Fortunately, I have very dear cousins who live close by, and I have good friends. Abusive family members have been permanently banished, along with any notion that I “should” be able to tolerate them.
That is pretty close to where I am. I have one family member who’s 1.5 hours away. We manage to have lunch together about once a year. The others no.
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