Love

[Ultralight]

A friend of mine recently met a guy and fell in love with him. The two of them are so smitten, so infatuated. It is like their first love! But she is 39 and he is 53. Both had previous long term relationships. But apparently neither of them ever felt this way or this strong.

I figured after age 30 or so you could not feel romantic love with much intensity.

What do you think?

[herbgeek]

I think that's wonderful.

[razz]

Not sure what age has to do with it? Can you explain why you feel that age has any impact on love?

[LDAHL]

I think there may be a tendency for younger people to more often fall victim to less than realistic expectations about human relationships. Maybe Hollywood helps program them to think falling in love is more in the nature of winning a lottery than in putting in the work to profit from one of life’s greatest mixed blessings.

[Gardnr]

I figured after age 30 or so you could not feel romantic love with much intensity.

What do you think?

We are 58. Dating at 16 and married at 19. More smitten than ever before.

The age difference doesn't bother me in the least other than she could live many years without him. But today's decision cannot be based on 30 years from now. Now if she were 19 and he 33, that life experience level could be challenging and/or unsuccessful.

Perhaps you have to 'be here' to know it exists:)

[Float On]

I figured after age 30 or so you could not feel romantic love with much intensity.


Why would you think that?

[Gardnr]

Why would you think that?

Because he hasn't experienced it?

[Chicken lady]

I’m with Gardnr. It just keeps getting better.

[SteveinMN]

With the right person? No, you can still be goofy-smile-when-you-see-them heart-singing smitten with them even after years and years. You simply have to be willing to believe it can happen.

[iris lilies]

Last week DH was clomping around wearing his work boots and his cargo shorts. I enjoyed that sight! I asked him to wear the same outfit the next day for my viewing pleasure but he couldn't because the shorts were filthy. Sadz.

[catherine]

I remember when my aunt and uncle got divorced. They seemed so perfect as a couple--after they were divorced and they settled in to their new lives, I realized how different they really were and understood why they couldn't carry on.

He met another woman and married her. He was helping me clear out some of my mother's stuff in his outbuilding, and in that casual environment, he spoke candidly to me. At the time I was 27, and he was probably around 60. He told me that after he met J___ he hadn't realized he could really find true love again, but he had.

Love is love, UL. It has no inclusion criteria.

[Teacher Terry]

I have fallen in love 4 times. My FIL met his second wife at 62 and they were happily together for 22 years. You can fall in love at any age.

[iris lilies]

I have fallen in love 4 times. My FIL met his second wife at 62 and they were happily together for 22 years. You can fall in love at any age.
Yeah, love is the easy part.

Getting along with them is the challenge!

[ApatheticNoMore]

probably depends on one's personality as much as one's age (and one should accept their basic personality). But probably is more likely in youth just because everything is more intense then.

[catherine]

Yeah, love is the easy part.

Getting along with them is the challenge!

haha! True. But ANM, the intensity of love can be felt full throttle at any age.

[Ultralight]

...the intensity of love can be felt full throttle at any age.
Seems unimaginable.

[catherine]

Seems unimaginable.

It's a slightly different kind of love--like a patina on a fine piece of furniture.

[iris lilies]

It's a slightly different kind of love--like a patina on a fine piece of furniture.

That’s a good way to describe that, I like it.


To UL’s point I definitely notice a lack of what I would call “hormonal generated” love, ha ha. Yet I have these crazy intense feelings of love for my fat wrinkly bulldog. Sometimes I just want to squeeze him and kiss him and lay my head close to him. Ok this may be TMI folks, but hey it is PHYSICAL!

[ApatheticNoMore]

Hormonally generated love being that which you feel maybe when cuddling or making out in bed, and an hour later when your eating dinner or doing some event or whatever, is nowhere on your mind. Yes physical intimacy is an important part of a relationship, but one doesn't spend all their time or even most of it as a couple in bed, and it strikes me as a very odd thing to call love, because it could not be more fleeting, it's of the moment, and only the moment.

[JaneV2.0]

I've never confused sex with love--sex is great fun, but love is altogether different, and more satisfying in the long run. Sex and infatuation may be related.

John Ciardi's take on it: "Love is the sexual excitement of the young, the habituation of the middle aged, and the mutual dependence of the old." That's from memory, and I used to think it was true, but I'm not nearly so cynical now.

[pinkytoe]

Looking back at my youth, it seems like "love" back then felt more like chemistry. I can't even explain the love that exists after many years together. It has a lot more depth for sure.

[ToomuchStuff]

A friend of mine recently met a guy and fell in love with him. The two of them are so smitten, so infatuated. It is like their first love! But she is 39 and he is 53. Both had previous long term relationships. But apparently neither of them ever felt this way or this strong.

I figured after age 30 or so you could not feel romantic love with much intensity.

What do you think?


I think you need to examine your beliefs more carefully.

[SteveinMN]

Looking back at my youth, it seems like "love" back then felt more like chemistry. I can't even explain the love that exists after many years together. It has a lot more depth for sure.
I think we value things differently as we age. In our 20s and 30s, I think physical attributes hold more value. It's more important that your intended resembles Barbie or Ken than whether they're mature enough to start their life. By our 50s and 60s, we've learned that looking like Barbie is not sufficient compensation for being a "princess" and looking like Ken does not cover for being a real jerk.

By 40 or 50 you live through and tire of the drama that comes with emotional immaturity. Life is hard enough as it is and you realize that life is easier with someone who can save for his/her own future and take care of himself/herself. Suddenly that full head of hair or the perky whatevers isn't so important. Maybe some chronic disease comes to visit and you see it for what it often is -- a scar (maybe a deep one) but not a mark that eradicates the entire person.

Over your lives together you begin to build the well of times that life was tough for one or both of you and yet you stayed and did what you could to work through it -- and then maybe their weird OCD habit you hate is not that big a deal any more. And that weird OCD habit you have that they hate is not that big a deal, either.


I have a (female) friend I've known for about 25 years now. We were just work colleagues and became friends. Yeah, there was that rush of friendship at first ("Oh, that's your favorite, too?"). But over the years we have seen each other through promotions, reorganizations, divorce, her kids coming out, new boyfriends/girlfriends, breakups, remarriages, parent's illnesses, moving, seeing each other in sweatpants, watching all kinds of things sag and just not work as well as they used to, and the inevitable fits and starts of reinventing ourselves; cheering, commiserating, laughing, listening to the rants and the raptures... It is a platonic relationship (long-ish story there) but neither one of us is embarrassed to say "I love you" to the other. We still break out in a smile whenever we see each other. We've been there for each other for 25 years now and neither time nor distance has (or will) change that. In fact, that friend is the reason for my happy marriage to DW today (the resemblances are surprising).

It's hard for this woman and me to describe our relationship to others (especially people who cannot believe that a man and a woman can be friends without romance) but it has gotten only deeper and better through the years. It can happen, particularly when the people involved are equipped to handle life maturely and to show vislbly that they want that kind of commitment. I wish everyone could find a friend like that, romantic or not.

[Teacher Terry]

Steve, I have a male friend that I met in graduate school. Some people don’t understand that you can be only friends with the opposite sex.

[catherine]

I think we value things differently as we age. In our 20s and 30s, I think physical attributes hold more value. It's more important that your intended resembles Barbie or Ken than whether they're mature enough to start their life. By our 50s and 60s, we've learned that looking like Barbie is not sufficient compensation for being a "princess" and looking like Ken does not cover for being a real jerk.

By 40 or 50 you live through and tire of the drama that comes with emotional immaturity. Life is hard enough as it is and you realize that life is easier with someone who can save for his/her own future and take care of himself/herself. Suddenly that full head of hair or the perky whatevers isn't so important. Maybe some chronic disease comes to visit and you see it for what it often is -- a scar (maybe a deep one) but not a mark that eradicates the entire person.

Over your lives together you begin to build the well of times that life was tough for one or both of you and yet you stayed and did what you could to work through it -- and then maybe their weird OCD habit you hate is not that big a deal any more. And that weird OCD habit you have that they hate is not that big a deal, either.


I have a (female) friend I've known for about 25 years now. We were just work colleagues and became friends. Yeah, there was that rush of friendship at first ("Oh, that's your favorite, too?"). But over the years we have seen each other through promotions, reorganizations, divorce, her kids coming out, new boyfriends/girlfriends, breakups, remarriages, parent's illnesses, moving, seeing each other in sweatpants, watching all kinds of things sag and just not work as well as they used to, and the inevitable fits and starts of reinventing ourselves; cheering, commiserating, laughing, listening to the rants and the raptures... It is a platonic relationship (long-ish story there) but neither one of us is embarrassed to say "I love you" to the other. We still break out in a smile whenever we see each other. We've been there for each other for 25 years now and neither time nor distance has (or will) change that. In fact, that friend is the reason for my happy marriage to DW today (the resemblances are surprising).

It's hard for this woman and me to describe our relationship to others (especially people who cannot believe that a man and a woman can be friends without romance) but it has gotten only deeper and better through the years. It can happen, particularly when the people involved are equipped to handle life maturely and to show vislbly that they want that kind of commitment. I wish everyone could find a friend like that, romantic or not.

Great description of the life stages of love, Steve.

I agree with how priorities in a relationship shift. Biologically, we are hard-wired to be attracted to people who can produce our progeny, and that chemistry is real and important. But, yes, as life goes things change. The physical attributes that hooked you up to someone to begin with wane and sometimes even disappear, but that doesn't matter. I've often said that I love the wrinkles and lines on my DH's face because every line is a road I've traveled with him.

[SteveinMN]

I've often said that I love the wrinkles and lines on my DH's face because every line is a road I've traveled with him.
I like that. DW and I celebrate our 10th anniversary next year so we aren't the cause of most of the lines on each others' face. But it fits in well with what I was writing.

[Teacher Terry]

My husband and I have been together 21 years and laugh about how much we have physically changed during that time. It’s life and doesn’t effect our love.

[Yppej]

Love blossoms when a person receives attention and unconditional love and acceptance. It is not dependent on age. A friend of mine is now two years into a good relationship. They met at the senior center. Her marriage at a young age to an abusive man was the opposite.

[dado potato]

Like SteveinMN said, I agree.

"Love is a many-splendored thing". Love can be, if necessary, changing wound dressings on a daily basis.

[Ultralight]

Love blossoms when a person receives attention and unconditional love and acceptance. What do you mean?


Her marriage at a young age to an abusive man was the opposite.
Did she love that abusive man unconditionally?

[Ultralight]

Steve, I have a male friend that I met in graduate school. Some people don’t understand that you can be only friends with the opposite sex.
The majority of my platonic friendships are with women. For the past two years my best friend was a 24 year old woman. How wacky is that?! She and I are super close with another female friend and we refer to ourselves as "The Triangle."

[Teacher Terry]

That’s cool. I have always had a male friend even as a teen. Although I had a local male friend here for 15 years that recently went bad when he developed feelings for me and scared me in my own home. He had the code to my house because I would watch his dog. We took it out. I never thought at this age that I needed to be worried about that.

[Ultralight]

Love blossoms when a person receives attention and unconditional love and acceptance. It is not dependent on age. A friend of mine is now two years into a good relationship. They met at the senior center. Her marriage at a young age to an abusive man was the opposite.

Gotcha. ;)