New friend, with a lot more time

[Zoe Girl]

I have a newish friend. I saw him at a meditation group while he was recovering from knee surgery. He said he was going stir crazy while he couldn't drive and invited me for tea. Since then he has tried to make plans with me a few times. There seems to be quite a difference in our available time (he is retired, 71 yo),

He has suggested full day hikes, I said I have a partial day availability. Then he suggested taking a camp stove to have tea at a hiking place. Sigh, these ideas are being texted well past 9 PM. I am going to respond that I have an hour at a local coffee shop available today. I do like talking with him, but I work full time and have 2 side deals that are significant.

I know basically how to handle this, but just wanted to share the struggle.

[rosarugosa]

That's really great that you enjoy each other's company. I'm confident you'll be able to sort out the details.

[Teacher Terry]

Sounds like a fun guy and you just need to set some boundaries.

[Zoe Girl]

Soooooo, this guy J texted me at 2 about doing dinner tonight. I didn't respond until 5:30 because that is what my work is like. I told him I had an incident at work I needed to document and prepping for 2 fairs this weekend. First he tried to call, while I was in my super busy time. He responded by text that he was warming up chili if I wanted to come by. Then he said he was attracted to me even with the age difference. Dear lord, I just had told him I was very busy and couldn't talk or come for dinner. I told him that I could talk next on Tuesday, and I didn't feel prepared to respond to the rest of what he shared.

Frustrated and not attracted,

[Tradd]

You need to tell him you can text on your lunchtime (whatever the time is) and that’s it during the workday. I have a couple of friends with non-traditional work hours and everything was fine once they knew I couldn’t talk during the day, but could text at lunch.

[Yppej]

You could tell him you have time for a friendship but not a relationship.

[Zoe Girl]

Thanks tradd, after people know me awhile and are fairly close I explain my work schedule. It is 6:30 -9:30 and 1 - 6 . I don't use my personal phone during those times as I am actively supervising kids and staff. It is on my desk because if my kids or mother call I know it is important.

Yppej I can tell him that, I think I need to be clear that I am not attracted. He may see my time as a challenge to solve. I think it is really crappy to tell me he is attracted to me after I clearly said I was dealing with an incident and had to stay late.

[razz]

Don't judge him or imagine what he is thinking thereby creating a whole emotional scenario. You may easily be completely right or completely wrong. That is not your role.

Set out the boundaries in this or any relationship of what you feel is right for you in a kind and courteous manner and consistently follow through with them. He is responsible for his actions and behaviour. If his actions crowd your boundaries, state that calmly and clearly.

[Zoe Girl]

I agree razz, and one of my boundaries is not expecting responses (specifically texting multiple times and then calling) during my work hours. Really most of the time. Just text or call and I will respond when I can. So without getting into imagining a story I can simply say I am irritated because my boundaries are being pushed against and I dont have the mental energy for about a week to deal with it.