View Full Version : The house you will die in
Today, we were talking to a neighbor and he said that intended to stay in his present house until his death...however far in the future that may occur. I found solace in his statement. It is something that has bothered me as I don't feel like where we are at is where I want to grow old. I would so love to find that place and give it my all until my final breath but this is not it. Have you thought about this? Is it near family, familiarity or someplace that has always stirred your heart? I suppose it depends on our age and "station" in life. I will stew over it this winter and then come spring, I want to find that place, accept and stay put, grow old and watch my gardens grow. Thoughts??
As you know, I have picked up like you and permanently moved away from my long-time home. While I still own that home, my son has made it his, and if he ever decided to move out, we could not move back because of the high taxes. We simply can't afford $1k a month JUST for property taxes after I retire. So, even though DH used to say about our former home "I want to die in this place" and I wouldn't have ruled it out, it's not possible.
I would not mind growing old here at all, but I haven't been here long enough to say that this is where I want to grow old. Regarding the move we made last year and the draconian downsizing we underwent, it's interesting, pinkytoe, but every now and then I feel a pang of loss. Nothing serious, and there is no one thing that I wish I had kept, but I'll think about something that wound up in the dumpster, and I just feel a little sad. I'm not yet over those micro-losses, so it's hard for me to feel completely attached to this new place.
Yet, I have definitely started to feel a sense of place here, even though when people say, where are you from, I still feel I have to qualify that: "I'm from Vermont, but I just recently moved from NJ." I wonder how long it will take before I say, "I'm from Vermont." I'm not FROM Vermont. I've just lived here for a couple of years. I'm FROM Connecticut, where I spent 22 of my earliest years. I'm FROM New Jersey, where I raised 4 kids over 33 years.
Then there's the limbo we're currently in with regard to our winter status. I hear from everyone that it would be hell to stay here. Not just in Vermont--in our particular neighborhood where all the neighbors go to their primary homes, so we'd be isolated, and that cold North wind would blow across the lake all winter and then in mud season the lake would rise to just a few feet of our door. So the indecision about what to do this winter gets in the way of our thinking of this home as our forever home, too.
Otherwise, it's a fine place to stay and grow old. I can see my grandkids coming up for years and enjoying everything the island has to offer. But my tread marks from the move are still fresh, so I'll have to wait a little while before I can answer your question.
After DH passed away, I moved from the dream we shared of a farm with a woodlot and land with simple new house we built and his dream workshop. It took two years of trying to continue on my own for me to realize that it was time to move on. We had decided after we had both moved around a lot in our earlier lives that this area was finally HOME.
I made a list of what I needed for the next 30 years living on my own and found the perfect 1300 sq ft little house, recently finished by a quality builder, within walking distance of everything important to me in the nearest town.
My list included:
- one floor simple easy-to-clean plan with three bedrooms
- large entryway that will accommodate a wheelchair or walker for friends if needed
- easy entry access that could be made into a ramp if needed
- two car garage for my car and all the tools needed for yard and snow
- small yard but I need a garden area
- short paved driveway
- AC
- gas fireplace
- light and windows on all four exposures
Bonuses that came with it
- chainlink fence separating back neighbours and setting boundary between the old and new neighbourhood
- neighbours on each side already had their fence up
- large conifer trees along back giving privacy
- overhead fan in living room area of the open concept design
I added:
- a TV room downstairs plus sewing room, a large bathroom and a large bedroom with the builder doing the addition. This could be a granny flat with the sewing room converted into a little kitchen.
- landscaping that is simple for me to maintain or easily done by contractors
Because my little dog needs a space to be active, I will add a completion to the fencing next spring. At some point, I will need to replace the roof and the garage door so will include that in my budget planning.
I hope to stay here until the end but am realistic about needs that may need to be addressed.
I likely will stay where I am. There are costs to moving. My state has a strong safety net including a tax credit for low income seniors for a portion of their property taxes. Unlike a neighboring state we have both an income tax and a sales tax, so property taxes are kept down. There is also a limit of a 2 1/2% per year increase in them unless the voters in a municipality vote for an override. My city is strongly anti-tax and in the 39 years the law has been on the books has never voted for an override.
Well, cyberworld ate my lengthy response.
Yes, we are in our forever home. Purchased in 1991 as a 10 y home but in 2003 we determined the 'hood was the perfect location for us and our neighbors said they are here for life. So here we are 16y later, loving it still and yes, those neighbors are still here.
Teacher Terry
9-29-19, 11:30am
We bought this house 7 years ago as our forever home. It’s 1400 sq ft, one level, 1 car garage with huge shed. Our yard is low maintenance with Astro-turf. We totally renovated it before moving in. We are in town and walking distance to places. If my husband dies before me which is unlikely since he is 5 years younger than I will move into a condo with a secure entrance. We recently added simply safe security system. We skipped paying for monitoring since I figured a alarm going off should be sufficient.
Teacher Terry
9-29-19, 11:31am
Catherine, I thought you were going to move into a apartment in town for the winter? Ideally it would be furnished.
SteveinMN
9-29-19, 11:31am
We're here. Well, I'm here. DW always says she would have a for-sale sign on this house before my dead body cooled off because the place does not foster the warm memories of the bungalow she owned when we married (the bungalow with the teenie-weenie one-car garage that always flooded in the spring and the almost-useless wet basement which had an upside-down mortgage when the housing crash hit. The place wasn't all that and a bag of chips.). It's a fond memory for her but it really didn't do much for me.
We stay here because the structure meets our needs, we're in a great location, we live in a real neighborhood with good neighbors, and the house is relatively cheap to run and to pay off. DW decided a couple of years ago that she wanted to pay off the mortgage before she retired but that wasn't going to be an option unless we put about $4 grand a month into the mortgage for the couple of years she had left or unless she worked some more years. Neither choice was palatable to her so we'll have a mortgage. But there's not that much left on it and we'll have the income to cover it. Besides, there's nowhere near here we could move that would be of interest to us and cheaper to buy or fix. So we might as well stay. I think the only thing which could move us out is a physical or dementia-related issue that we could not address within the house.
This is such a good topic to ponder. Having broken my hip in June I see our lovely little rancher, bought in 1973 is almost perfect for limited mobility, BUT the dooways aren't wide enough for a wheelchair and the tubs aren't very easily accessible. I was sitting on the porch this morning thinking of what would need to be done to make it totally accessible. The other major issue is transportation. We live in the country- closest town with library, grocery, bank, hair cutters etc. is a 15 minute drive...Dr. are at least 30 minute drive along with most of my social life. (not the Dr. but those people who are part of my circle.) At 70 we are lucky to be in good health (except for the hip) and still driving. He does the mowing and I plan to be able to do the gardening next year. The thought of being in a condo sometimes sounds great, but then I think about people and I don't want them very close...so for now the plan is to die here and hire out the stuff we cannot do. Just finding people to do it. I enjoy following the journeys you have taken Catherine , Fazz and Pinky toe.
catherine
9-29-19, 11:43am
Catherine, I thought you were going to move into a apartment in town for the winter? Ideally it would be furnished.
Yes, that's the #1 option, but DH keeps talking about the extra money it's going to cost vs us just toughing it out here. He has weird ways of looking at spending, because last year at this time, I was spending thousands on two mortgages and now my big mortgage is just about covered by my son. A rental would be far less, and we would need it for 2-4 months. He doesn't understand that we paid much MORE money than we did last year for housing, so we can afford a couple of months in a 1200k/month rental. But he just doesn't see it that way.
I don't know what cheaper option there would be.. other than hole up here with the wood stove and Netflix.
Teacher Terry
9-29-19, 11:59am
I wouldn’t want to stay there during the winter. I would tell him to do what he wants but I am moving for winter:)). Pinky toe, I think for you guys that you need to find the town you want to retire to since where you are doesn’t seem to be a good fit.
iris lilies
9-29-19, 12:12pm
Our Hermann house would probably be my last house because I will die before DH. Or else I’ll be in a nursing home.
The house itself will be decent for senior living but it will not have wide doorways although we are doing major renovations so I suppose we should put one wide doorway from garage to kitchen. Anyway.
While the house is OK for people of advanced age since two bedrooms and a full bathroom will be on one floor, the giant yard of one acre on a hill is not for the elderly to maintain. Yet, DH needs a big hobby yard because that keeps him active and healthy. By the time we get rid of all of our city property this Hermann place will be the only yard he maintains. It will be his little Farmette and he needs that kind of outdoor focus.
If for some reason he dies before I do I would have to sell the Hermann house because that acre is not something I wish to maintain. I might just move back to Iowa if DH is no longer around because I get along with my brother and my cousin, they’re both living there. It would depend on how invested I am in the Hermann community at that time. Hermann has two transitional places for the elderly – one assisted living, and then a nursing home. I’ve been in both of them. Neither are very snazzy in fact the assisted living one is downscale and ugly, but it’s also probably reasonably priced.
I don't want to die in this house; I don't even want to live in it. And I've felt this way since I moved in. Now I'm stymied by the monumental task of moving with absolutely zero help. I'm determined to get out of here--and move where?--within the next year or two before I'm completely unable to haul myself up the thirteen (my beloved counted when he found them daunting) stairs to my bedroom. The practical thing to do would involve moving back to the Portland area, where I have friends and family. My heart says to stay here, but finding a reasonably priced condo would be a challenge, and as solitary a soul as I am, the idea of having a (limited) social life is appealing.
I doubt we will stay in this house because we are far from family, and that has been a disaster for my parents.
Not sure if next house will be the last, though, because we don't know the area that well, and what we want is more expensive than we really should be getting, and may be too much for our aging bodies.
Grappling with this right now. Like you, Pinkytoe, I want to settle down and plant my permanent gardens. So tired of moving and leaving my gardens.
Catherine, check this one out for winter:
https://vermont.craigslist.org/sub/d/burlington-charming-clean-house-in/6968157849.html
Catherine, check this one out for winter:
https://vermont.craigslist.org/sub/d/burlington-charming-clean-house-in/6968157849.html
That's a fantastic place, Tybee!
If we were to stay in Burlington, I'd call them right now... but my preference is to stay on the Jersey Shore in an off-season beach rental, so that I can spend "grandma" time with my two grandsons down there. I visited them on a lay-over when I was traveling last month, and my 5-year old grandson asked me two questions, "So, how do you like Vermont?" and "Why don't you ever visit us anymore?" :(. I am hell-bent on keeping those connections.
So I'm looking at this website for Ocean Grove rentals, which is the most charming town on the Jersey Shore, IMHO.
https://ourtownrentals.com/vacation-rentals/Ocean-Grove/278/listing/3404
That's a fantastic place, Tybee!
If we were to stay in Burlington, I'd call them right now... but my preference is to stay on the Jersey Shore in an off-season beach rental, so that I can spend "grandma" time with my two grandsons down there. I visited them on a lay-over when I was traveling last month, and my 5-year old grandson asked me two questions, "So, how do you like Vermont?" and "Why don't you ever visit us anymore?" :(. I am hell-bent on keeping those connections.
So I'm looking at this website for Ocean Grove rentals, which is the most charming town on the Jersey Shore, IMHO.
https://ourtownrentals.com/vacation-rentals/Ocean-Grove/278/listing/3404
Oh, book it, book it for the winter!!! Especially with what your grandson was saying. That is so wrenching. Honestly, that is the compelling reason I keep trying to move to Maine, because of my granddaughters, especially the older one, who says things like that and it breaks my heart.
I LOVE the Ocean Grove idea, and seriously, I would do that every year at least til I stopped working. You have a half year break with your house being a summer house--it is perfect. 1400 for five months is not much in the scheme of things--a lot cheaper than buying a larger year round house in Vermont, which would not solve the problem of seeing the little guys.
rosarugosa
9-29-19, 6:16pm
I'm sure this has a lot to do with the fact that I have no kids or grandkids, but I would definitely want to try a winter in the great north country with DH! I would love the idea that I could try it out without making a lifetime commitment. I think it could be so peaceful, just imagine the opportunity to enjoy mindful reflection, yoga, reading, walking in the snow, a glass of wine in front of the fire. Blisssful :)
Or the alternate scenario which brings to mind Jack Nicholson with a carving knife!
We are currently looking for our next house. I don’t think it will be our last, but you never know, we are getting older. I use to worry about taking care of the yard, but these days we just hire that out.
I am concerned that the wife keeps keeps looking at larger homes. We have settled on getting a one story, and on the water.
The houses we we are looking at are 10’ above sea level, so if the climate change people are correct, our next house won’t be our last as it will be under water soon. I wish the people selling would adjust their prices to reflect that.
iris lilies
9-29-19, 7:59pm
We are currently looking for our next house. I don’t think it will be our last, but you never know, we are getting older. I use to worry about taking care of the yard, but these days we just hire that out.
I am concerned that the wife keeps keeps looking at larger homes. We have settled on getting a one story, and on the water.
The houses we we are looking at are 10’ above sea level, so if the climate change people are correct, our next house won’t be our last as it will be under water soon. I wish the people selling would adjust their prices to reflect that.
I don’t know that you should worry about that underwater thing, Barack Obama didn’t seem to worry about it when he bought 3 houses on the coasts. Kinda makes you wonder...
I'm sure this has a lot to do with the fact that I have no kids or grandkids, but I would definitely want to try a winter in the great north country with DH! I would love the idea that I could try it out without making a lifetime commitment. I think it could be so peaceful, just imagine the opportunity to enjoy mindful reflection, yoga, reading, walking in the snow, a glass of wine in front of the fire. Blisssful :)
Or the alternate scenario which brings to mind Jack Nicholson with a carving knife!
Wait until you experience bitter cold in an old poorly insulated house and struggling to go to work on snowbound roads, harsh winds rattling the roofing tiles loose or freezing rain making a trip to the frozen bathroom an ordeal. Lack of sufficient heat for cooking and staying warm is a great reason for avoiding all discomfort. Been there, done that and would not wish that on anyone as you have to keep busy to keep warm and stay sane.
Move to a comfortable spot for the winter unless you are in for a martyr experience . Old timers have earned their wisdom the hard way.
I'm sure this has a lot to do with the fact that I have no kids or grandkids, but I would definitely want to try a winter in the great north country with DH! I would love the idea that I could try it out without making a lifetime commitment. I think it could be so peaceful, just imagine the opportunity to enjoy mindful reflection, yoga, reading, walking in the snow, a glass of wine in front of the fire. Blisssful :)
Or the alternate scenario which brings to mind Jack Nicholson with a carving knife!
I love winters. Well, I love all 4 seasons. Our homes are both sound and tight. Heating is not a problem. Pellet stove is fabulous at the mountain cabin. And it is so very peaceful in the mountains. We pay for snow removal and that's it and it's reasonable.
If you are feeling compelled to try a snowy winter, go for it! Rent a place for January/February/March.
Teacher Terry
9-29-19, 10:03pm
Rosa, I thought you had 4 seasons where you are?
iris lilies
9-29-19, 11:46pm
Oh, book it, book it for the winter!!! Especially with what your grandson was saying. That is so wrenching. Honestly, that is the compelling reason I keep trying to move to Maine, because of my granddaughters, especially the older one, who says things like that and it breaks my heart.
I LOVE the Ocean Grove idea, and seriously, I would do that every year at least til I stopped working. You have a half year break with your house being a summer house--it is perfect. 1400 for five months is not much in the scheme of things--a lot cheaper than buying a larger year round house in Vermont, which would not solve the problem of seeing the little guys.
catherine we will worry about you if you are stuck in that tiny community in Vermont during December January and February. Plus how would you get out of there to meet clients? Would you just make sure you don’t have to fly anywhere over three or four months.? And don’t services go down in those big snowstorms, like Wi-Fi goes down?
ugh.winter.
rosarugosa
9-30-19, 5:57am
Wait until you experience bitter cold in an old poorly insulated house and struggling to go to work on snowbound roads, harsh winds rattling the roofing tiles loose or freezing rain making a trip to the frozen bathroom an ordeal. Lack of sufficient heat for cooking and staying warm is a great reason for avoiding all discomfort. Been there, done that and would not wish that on anyone as you have to keep busy to keep warm and stay sane.
Move to a comfortable spot for the winter unless you are in for a martyr experience . Old timers have earned their wisdom the hard way.
Gee, when you put it that way . . . :laff:
rosarugosa
9-30-19, 5:59am
Rosa, I thought you had 4 seasons where you are?
Yes we do, TT; although winters are probably tougher on an island in northern VT than coastal MA.
Teacher Terry
9-30-19, 12:07pm
The last time I went to see my mom in Wisconsin was winter and the weather was miserable. First it was 30 below. Then it warmed up enough to snow. Then starts to melt and freezes. Now you have ice that gets covered by the next snowfall. Ugh!
The PNW has four seasons, mostly all mild, for which I'm eternally thankful.
We recently completed rehabbing a house where we hope to run down the clock. All new mechanicals that will hopefully last longer than we do. Wider doorways, handles instead of doorknobs, and a few strategically placed ramps, grab bars and bathroom fixturing in anticipation of creeping decrepitude. If all goes well, we will need an ambulance or hearse before we need a moving van.
We have set the stage as well as we can for the last act, but of course fate has made a fool of me before.
The last time I went to see my mom in Wisconsin was winter and the weather was miserable. First it was 30 below. Then it warmed up enough to snow. Then starts to melt and freezes. Now you have ice that gets covered by the next snowfall. Ugh!
That’s why I love Wisconsin. The weather has a bit of flavor to it.
Teacher Terry
10-1-19, 1:13pm
Many Wisconsin retirees live here. There is even a packer bar. It’s a beautiful state but having escaped the weather I would never go back.
iris lilies
10-2-19, 9:00am
Many Wisconsin retirees live here. There is even a packer bar. It’s a beautiful state but having escaped the weather I would never go back.
I will not live north of interstate 80. Been there done that.
Over the past week, I visited one of the places we are considering a move to - on the other side of the state where all my ancestors lived and died. I have fond childhood memories of the area and two older brothers still still living there. It is a small but bustling town - maybe 30,000 people including the outskirts. I love the mountains, snow, climate and all the produce I have been able to grow here and it would be even easier there. But...then I think about how far away we (or just I if it comes to that someday) will be from DD and grandchildren as we get older. I know what a hassle it is to care for elders when they are hundreds of miles away. And I will miss watching the twins grow up. Other than family, I have no interest in returning to TX - mostly because of the outrageous heat, humidity, bugs etc. Today on Oct 6 it was 96 degrees. But there is one town there we are considering there too - another smallish but bustling town - where we would be about two hours away from DD. Much to ponder...
Teacher Terry
10-6-19, 6:32pm
I would go where you think you will be happiest. I don’t expect my kids to provide care for us.
I agree with TT.
The grandkids are going to be so involved with all kinds of activities as seems to be the current trend and 2 hours away is not much different than 10 hours away. It still requires a major effort to get there.
Someone wisely remarked that when you live further away, there is more planning for a longer visit whether you visit them or they visit you. The visit is prolonged and concentrated attention. If you are 2 hours away, you are just close enough that it is not an overnight or extended visit either way. Within an hour, you can be called on short notice for a babysitter back-up.
As far as eldercare, I plan on being as independent as long as possible. My kids know all my professional contacts. Computers have enabled so much easier access by designated family if needed to ensure that bills are paid and finances stable. I can see where online health monitoring is becoming mainstream. With a power of attorney for health, your daughter could be kept in the information loop at your request.
At some point, I may need to sell my dear little house and move into a retirement home and will probably do that nearer family. That would be a big change whether near or far away as one essentially withdraws from general society. A nursing home around here would be just as hard to arrange as one far away where the family is located given the process involved in how the placements are done at present.
I felt that I needed to build a community of friends and support wherever I live as my family will be busy living their lives. There is nothing to say that they won't be moving at some point for work or other reason so I stay where I love where I am, contribute to the community and enjoy it.
It is an interesting challenge to work your way through all this decision-making. You are very wise to consider things so thoughtfully.
As the mother of twins, I say go back home to a bearable town in Texas--Austin is too hot--your daughter will need you; it is tough to have two children the same age, and they could do well with more attention from family.
If you are inclined that way, of course. Some grandparents don't want to be near their grandchildren, or just want to see them once or twice a year. But I have that situation, and I hate it.
It is being apart from the grandchildren that gets me. I'd say anything within 5 hours would be a huge improvement over what we now have; two hours would be great, and one hour would be heaven.
I have actually made good strides in creating a life here - book clubs, neighbor walks, volunteer work, etc. DH not so much. DD's MIL and her tight family pretty much rule the roost on caring for/seeing the twins since they live close by so not sure how much we would "share" family time and holidays even if we lived closer.
The drive to TX is hard and flying out of DIA has also been a PITA. We are a day and a half away by car. I am also thinking that maybe the twins could come visit and stay for a while every summer when they are older and that may be more memorable for them in the long run. Trips to the mountains, etc. If you saw them now though at 16 months old you would see why my heart is torn...there are no cuter identical beings...in my world anyway. Hammering away on this decision this winter and will figure it out somehow...IN the meantime, headed down there next week to check out real estate and see the little gals one more time.
iris lilies
10-7-19, 1:46pm
Over the past week, I visited one of the places we are considering a move to - on the other side of the state where all my ancestors lived and died. I have fond childhood memories of the area and two older brothers still still living there. It is a small but bustling town - maybe 30,000 people including the outskirts. I love the mountains, snow, climate and all the produce I have been able to grow here and it would be even easier there. But...then I think about how far away we (or just I if it comes to that someday) will be from DD and grandchildren as we get older. I know what a hassle it is to care for elders when they are hundreds of miles away. And I will miss watching the twins grow up. Other than family, I have no interest in returning to TX - mostly because of the outrageous heat, humidity, bugs etc. Today on Oct 6 it was 96 degrees. But there is one town there we are considering there too - another smallish but bustling town - where we would be about two hours away from DD. Much to ponder...
When you moved to CO why didnt you move to the place of your ancestors?
Over the past week, I visited one of the places we are considering a move to - on the other side of the state where all my ancestors lived and died. I have fond childhood memories of the area and two older brothers still still living there. It is a small but bustling town - maybe 30,000 people including the outskirts. I love the mountains, snow, climate and all the produce I have been able to grow here and it would be even easier there. But...then I think about how far away we (or just I if it comes to that someday) will be from DD and grandchildren as we get older. I know what a hassle it is to care for elders when they are hundreds of miles away. And I will miss watching the twins grow up. Other than family, I have no interest in returning to TX - mostly because of the outrageous heat, humidity, bugs etc. Today on Oct 6 it was 96 degrees. But there is one town there we are considering there too - another smallish but bustling town - where we would be about two hours away from DD. Much to ponder...
When I hear this I think "why would you move away from all that you enjoy to a place you don't like and is hot ? If you're living a few hours away from those twins you're not seeing them daily or perhaps even weekly. You're not going to get called for last minute babysitting. Why not stay where you and enjoy the life and environment you have? Fly or drive down and see those twins for an immersion week twice a year. there are no guarantees the kids will stay there and then you have nothing you like about it.
When you moved to CO why didnt you move to the place of your ancestors?
Good question. We gave it serious thought but it is a fairly isolated town, ie not close to airports, hospitals etc. I reckoned I would miss the big city things I had grown accustomed to. Grocery options, big library, arts, culture etc. As it turns out, that little town is probably more "progressive" in all things than where we chose to live. I know we all say we don't plan on having our kids look after us in our elder years but I have watched that scenario NOT play out with friends and co-workers. I tend to over analyze everything so objective advice is appreciated.
Yes, the problem with the "I don't plan on having our kids look after us in our elder years" and then boom, one day you absolutely need care and looking after, and the poor kids are 1000 miles away and it is an impossible situation.
I say you will end up near the kids eventually, so that is why we are looking into moving now, rather than being 1000 miles away and not strong enough to build a new life in a new place.
Your point is well taken, Tybee, but there are a lot of people who have no kids or family to take care of them. They do carry on just fine with making plans for eldercare. In addition, many 'kids' have challenges of their own and simply cannot help much or pass away before we do.
I prefer to make plans for myself now that simply trigger implementation when needed. I own that responsibility not the kids. Meanwhile I live where I love to be.
sweetana3
10-8-19, 10:30am
Mom waited until Dad died and she was 80 to move closer to us. She lived in upstate NY and moving to IN got her a better climate plus we are 20 minutes away. Been here about 7 years and says she wished she had done it a lot sooner. Of course, there was no chance we were going to move anywhere else, like Florida and we took care of setting up her living situation here.
When Dad died, she had no significant company and we were a 12 hour drive away. She saw just how difficult it was when Dad got really sick to not have anyone to rely on for support. Even if she had been in assisted living in NY, we would not have been much help if she had a medical complication or have been able to supervise her care. Here we can arrange whatever she needs quickly and easily.
But she was 80. And "looking after" can mean so many things. Do people expect nursing care from kids or inlaw kids? Or do they need just monitoring and getting to appointments, etc.? Everyone should discuss this in advance and ensure that there are the financial resources to provide care. Or accept that they may be on Medicaid and what that will mean. Talking about it early is important and then finding out what is really available in the location where the parents will be. Knowledge is power.
Teacher Terry
10-8-19, 11:34am
People without kids hire things done and look for available services. People with kids can do the same.
People without kids hire things done and look for available services. People with kids can do the same.
Right? When I hear people say their kids will take care of them, I ask why? Why their "job"? They don't owe you that. Not a fair expectation. My first thought is always "don't lay that shit on your kids". I am 1 of 6 kids. Mom had selected the place she wanted to live out old age if she couldn't be home. As it turned out, she had Cancer-a fast growing tumor and I knew she wouldn't live long. My little sister and I told her that we would take her home and share her care, both working part time for the weeks she had left. She was so very surprised. We'll never regret it. BUT it was NEVER expected. (Our employers were very supportive).
We don't have kids. We saved money for old age. My quilting studio is what used to be 2 small bedrooms and a hallway. It is 14X19. If we need live in help, there is a spacious room for that person to call their own.
I do not expect DD to take care of me someday and want to make my plans clear to her ASAP. I am basing my thoughts about where to live on what I have seen happen to my family and others. My mother had a massive stroke at 67, but was 100 miles away and even though she had planned for assisted living, it still required someone (me) to make sure things were OK which meant an hour drive for me every weekend. Better than 800 miles. MIL wanted to stay in her house but SIL had to drive 1 hr each way in heavy traffic 3x a week for several years to "check" on her. Another friend had a completely unexpected massive stroke (no kids) which left her helpless for about a year. I am noting that one of my brothers has aged a great deal since I saw him last and yet refuses to move from his mountain house with all its stairs and winter upkeep. His care will fall on someone else. None of us who are getting older really know how things will go but we can at least consider potential outcomes of our choices while we are still healthy.
I do not expect DD to take care of me someday and want to make my plans clear to her ASAP. I am basing my thoughts about where to live on what I have seen happen to my family and others. My mother had a massive stroke at 67, but was 100 miles away and even though she had planned for assisted living, it still required someone (me) to make sure things were OK which meant an hour drive for me every weekend. Better than 800 miles. MIL wanted to stay in her house but SIL had to drive 1 hr each way in heavy traffic 3x a week for several years to "check" on her. Another friend had a completely unexpected massive stroke (no kids) which left her helpless for about a year. I am noting that one of my brothers has aged a great deal since I saw him last and yet refuses to move from his mountain house with all its stairs and winter upkeep. His care will fall on someone else. None of us who are getting older really know how things will go but we can at least consider potential outcomes of our choices while we are still healthy.
My experiences have been more like yours, Pinkytoe. I do not expect my kids to take care of me and my parents did not, either. We neve rthought we'd be getting a phone call that they were being made wards of the state if someone from the family did not get there within 48 hours.
So yeah, s**t happens, and hospitals look for next of kin.
I plan to live closer to family, to ease the burdens of both raising children and growing older or getting sick.
Arranging home health care from a thousand miles away has not been possible, in our experience.
And my mom had everything beautifully under control until she developed dementia. So by all means, we all need to plan for that possibility, too, that we may not be able to care for ourselves or even make decisions or even know we need to do something.
We don't have kids. We saved money for old age. My quilting studio is what used to be 2 small bedrooms and a hallway. It is 14X19. If we need live in help, there is a spacious room for that person to call their own.
That is great, that you have saved money. The in home care we have looked it would be 24/7, so that is more than a one person job. Dementia is the game changer, in my experience.
I have an enormous amount of guilt about what I DIDN'T do for my mother, who died at 69 from emphysema, but she had suffered a stroke at age 50 and lived for almost 20 years in assisted living. I had a very hectic life raising 4 kids in a very difficult situation (near poverty, DH health issues), and I was an hour and a half away. My brother, OTOH, was married with no kids and lived in the same town.So he was the go-to guy when Mom needed something. I wish I had those years to do over again, but we don't get that chance.
So I don't expect my kids to take care of me--that's not why I moved closer to 3 of them. They have their own lives. If they wind up with a heart like Gardnr and Teacher Terry, and Tybee and all y'all who have picked up the baton for your aging parents, I'll be grateful, but I sure don't expect them to do for me.
We will be buying a new home next year. It will be in the same town we live in now, or at least close. We pretty much hire everything out now as far as the house. One of my sons lives close by and I would expect him to help a little if needed. My dad is in assisted living and I take care of his finances. I would expect one of my sons to do the same.
There should be plenty of funds to pay for a very nice assisted living or nursing home if needed. I don’t expect anyone in the family to actually do anything more than make sure the bills are paid and we have reasonable care.
I hope our our next house will be our last, but I wouldn’t bet on it.
Teacher Terry
10-8-19, 5:56pm
DMC, I think your expectations are very reasonable. My oldest son and my youngest step son would do the same for us. It’s the actual hands on care that is exhausting.
happystuff
10-12-19, 9:10am
Current house is actually our "starter home" and we have been here over 29 years. I'm definitely ready to downsize and have been working on decluttering and reducing. This is definitely not the house I want to die in but who knows what tomorrow will bring. In the meantime, I'm working towards and dreaming of a different house. lol.
Simplemind
10-12-19, 11:56am
Although I attempted to discuss the future with my parents years before their decline, they would not state their wishes. My mom responded angrily as if I was trying to knock her off her throne. When my father finally had the trust written along with the medical directives, they still wouldn't discuss what they would want before the deathbed decisions. Hard to tell if the assumption was we were responsible for nothing or everything. What wasn't said spoke volumes about the underlying chaos that we were not seeing. In the years between my mom's death and dad's I felt like Wiley Coyote holding the detonated acme bomb.
My son witnessed it all during his HS years. It made a huge impression. For awhile he kept telling me that he would take care of me and I kept telling him that I would never expect it. Funny, I felt a distance from my parents but was there in the trenches at the end. My two siblings who were much closer to them were much more emotionally and responsibly hands off. They refused to acknowledge what was going on. It has taken me awhile to figure that dynamic out.
I talk with my son in the way I wished my parents had talked to me. He knows my wishes, he knows what I have put in place to fulfill them. I expect his oversight in my care (should my husband pass first) but never do I expect him to take on the tasks that I did for my parents. I would never leave him the mess they left me.
We joke about it. He went from saying he would change my diapers to saying he would make sure he was buying me the best damned diapers for somebody else to change. My DH and I have 3 kids between us. His two are in their 30's, married and no plans for kids. We only hear from them on Father's day and their dad's birthday. One lives 20 miles away and the other in another state. Mine is 24 and lives 5 miles away. He calls and texts through the week. He sends us articles we might find interesting. He helps with the heavy chores. He and his girlfriend go camping with us when possible and we make dinners for each other once a month or so. The two of them house/dog sit for us so we can travel. There is no doubt in our minds which of the three kids would step up and for that reason I want to make sure that he never feels he has to. I want him in my life as my child, not my caregiver.
I love our house and our property but my husband knows that should he go first I will be selling it. There is no way that I could keep it up and I don't want to have to pay somebody (much less have my son burdened) to do both inside and outside work. Although we hate the thought of leaving we know we have about 10-15 years before we should move into something else. I am already starting my search trying to figure out what area and what type of living situation will be best in case something critical happens before that plan is put in place.
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