Mom and her stuff

[rosarugosa]

My mother has early Alzheimer's as I have mentioned. She lives alone about a mile away from me and still manages pretty well with some help from me and my sister. On Saturday morning, she took a fall down her front hall stairs. Luckily, she did not break a hip and only has a small fracture of the L-1 transverse process. She has a bit of pain but we are grateful she wasn't injured more severely. Her good friend invited her to recuperate at her house since everything is on one floor and she has a guest room, so Mom is there for the next week or two.
In the meantime, I am spending as much time as possible at Mom's house cleaning, doing laundry, and a bit of stealth decluttering. I feel a twinge of guilt because I had earned her trust by never getting rid of stuff without her OK. I think it's different now because she has way too much stuff and clutter and that makes it harder for her to function, not to mention more likely to trip over crap. She has bad asthma and there are so many dust collecting things laying around. I tossed things like a pretty piece of ribbon here, a piece of tissue paper and a ziploc baggie there (no precious items by any means). I did lots of laundry and tossed things that were hopelessly stained. I got rid of about 30 - 50 pairs of socks (she still probably has 200 pairs). I founds lots of beautiful clothing stored away that she doesn't even know that she has. I want to get rid of her throw rugs as they are a falling hazard and bad for her asthma, but I didn't want to be too bold and I decided to discuss with her first.
Her friend said I need to be more aggressive and not let Mom "boss me around." There is no way that she bosses me around, but I try not to be too heavy-handed out of respect for her as an adult woman who is going through difficult times both mentally and physically. I don't want to boss HER around. It's an interesting balancing act. Overall I feel good about what I've accomplished, but it's a never-ending struggle. It would actually be easier for me to just take over and do things my way, and I've been proud of myself for handling the situation with a bit more finesse.

[Yppej]

Do you go with her to doctor's visits? If so, can you raise the subject of throw rugs/fall hazards there and that way it is per the doctor not you?

[razz]

Do you go with her to doctor's visits? If so, can you raise the subject of throw rugs/fall hazards there and that way it is per the doctor not you?

Excellent question! Too many people who are fully alert complain afterwards that they can't quite remember everything that the consultation raised whether with MD, lawyer, bank or any other situation that needs to be addressed. You need to know in order to comply with her wishes and the professional advice given. We all hear the same words differently so getting clarification that what you are hearing is what is meant helps as well.

[rosarugosa]

Good idea! Sister or I are at all MD appointments. I think I'll broach the rugs with Mom since I can do that immediately. If she resists, we can discuss at next MD appointment. Mom is generally cooperative and knows we have her best interests at heart, but she does have her times of digging in her heels and being stubborn.
She gives me a really hard time about doing laundry. She was always the most impeccable laundress ever, but now she seldom does laundry, to her exacting standards or otherwise. You know how you wear something and it's not really dirty, so you keep it out (maybe a little pile on a chair or something) to wear tomorrow or the next day? Now imagine that you have about 300 shirts and 150 pairs of pants, and you are kind of cycling through all of them, and they are not quite dirty. So you have a pile on the chair, clothes draped on the quilt rack, clothes piled on the bed in the next room, hanging from the light in the hall, bras on several doorknobs, and clothes hanging all along the canopy frame of the queen-sized bed in my former bedroom. A lot of these things have little stains (a drop of balsamic vinegar on the shirt is her "trademark stain"), so they need to be treated, and they wait for treatment indefinitely (which of course makes the stain harder to remove). I am a pretty fussy laundress myself, so I come pretty close to her standards. I reluctantly defer to her insistence that she will do her own laundry until it reaches a point where I just go tackle it. I am slowly getting a little more pushy with the laundry. When she is home I try to make it more of a collaborative effort and that seems to make her feel a bit better about it.
It's kind of weird - wouldn't you love me to come over and meticulously do all your laundry for you? :laff:

[iris lilies]

Yes you could come here and do my laundry!

The trials of helping an elderly declining parent are tough. Sounds like you are negotiating that relationship well.

I am getting some free aluminum foil (which from long frugal habit we never buy) Because my friend is bringing some to me probably at least two boxes. Her mother-in-law with dementia has stockpiled dozens of boxes of the stuff along with dozens of boxes of baggies. We used 15 boxes of the baggies yesterday when preparing lily bulbs for a sale.My friend was so so so happy to get rid of those baggies!

[pinkytoe]

I wouldn't feel too guilty about "cleaning" up her place a bit. Like most of us, a needed change needs to feel like her our own idea and not something forced upon us. MIL's being sent to assisted living came after tripping over a throw rug that all of us tried to tell her was in a bad place. She broke her right wrist and was no longer able to function by herself. There are a lot of classes here for elders on preventing falls and maintaining balance. Anything like that where you live?

[catherine]

It's kind of weird - wouldn't you love me to come over and meticulously do all your laundry for you? :laff:

Yes, I would!

Putting myself in her place, maybe she's worried about the "waste" of energy--water, electricity, manpower in addition to feelings that if "I don't do it, it won't get done right."

I know your mother is probably not alone in the sheer quantity of clothing she has... but wow. You are being such a good, compassionate daughter. Makes me happy about my recent downsize, and renews my commitment to stop accumulating.

[Tybee]

Rosa, it's interesting to me that in retrospect, this is what my parents were doing with their clothing--there were clothes half dirty (or all dirty) absolutely everywhere, in at least three rooms.

Honestly, it's the dementia. My mother's dementia chugged along very light for very long and then boom, suddenly, it got really bad--and the clothing was a sign.

I think, if I had lived closer to my parents, I would have come in and changed it up. I would have thrown out the throw rugs and I would have thrown out clothing and gotten it down to a manageable amount, and I would have laundered it myself.

The problem my parents had is that they could not recognize how they had gone down, and how it was just going to get worse.

We were called in on a complete emergency basis, and we all lived very far away.

If you are close by, then I would go ahead and get started on what you need to do to keep her safe and improve her quality of life. Clothes all over the place in various states of dirtiness (uncleanliness?) are a poor quality of life, as are having trip hazards in the home.

Time is now, in my opinion. Get the doctor to tell her her daughter has to make changes in her environment for safety, if that would help.

[Teacher Terry]

With that many clothes you could dispose of half and she wouldn’t know. Sorry your mom is having issues.

[sweetana3]

Have the doctor write out a prescription for removing things like area rugs, getting rid of dust catchers and cleaning clothes. That way if she "forgets" what he said the next week, you have the RX to support what needs to be done.

[Tybee]

That is a great idea, Sweetana. I agree, Terry, that she would not recognize half of the things if they were gone--would not recognize their absence, I mean.
Honestly, I'd pick a number at about a fifth of what she has and go with that, if she has indeed been diagnosed. Do you have POA and guardianship of your mom?

[Simplemind]

Ah yes...… such a familiar struggle. I had to approach it in several ways. My mom had mild dementia that went for decades and my dad's was eclipsed by my mom's issues and didn't come forward until she was gone. They were both resistant to any efforts of organization and cleaning. Although before it got bad I knew that every adult gets to make choices on their living environment, it was a huge stress on me knowing ultimately it was going to come down to me wading through all of it. I just decided to peel the onion slowly layer by layer. I would visit when they were in "nappy/Judge Judy" time and take away garbage from the areas that they didn't spend a lot of time in. I had to take it with me because if it was found in the garbage it would get taken back out. I would work on the pantry while talking to my mom and show her expiration dates and get agreement that the item needed to go.
Mom also fell on a throw rug (their gait changes and sometimes they walk on or drag their toes) and we had to swap those out. We had to swap out the slip on shoes and slippery slippers. Both parents had huge amounts of clothing but fell to a small rotation (often had to push to get them to take something off so I could wash it) so that I was able to pare the piles down and take items in to consignment shops or Goodwill.

[rosarugosa]

Update: I saw Mom today and told her I thought the throw rugs should all go. She told me to do whatever I thought was best, so those rugs will be gone by the time she comes home!
I realize there may come a time when she is mistrustful, but in our current circumstances I have no concerns about her questioning my actions after the fact or denying that she gave me permission.
I do have POA and health care proxy, but not guardianship. What is that all about?
Interesting to hear that the not quite dirty clothing is a definite thing. I let my own little stack get up to about a half dozen items, and if laundry day rolls around I will usually wash most or all of them just because it's easier to manage clean clothes in drawers and the closet. I will tell DH to call for help if the little stack ever gets taller than me! He manages his own small stack in a similar fashion.
Mom has been crazy-disorganized for a very long time. Apparently she was tidy to a fault when I was very young, but Sis and I remember her functioning in a pretty chaotic state for most of our childhoods. I think I've mentioned before that laundry got done in large batches on perhaps a monthly basis, so large supplies of socks, underwear, etc. was the way of our world. Mom could never say no to anyone. She took care of us and her dad lived with us and she nursed friends and family as needed. She had a car when most stay at home moms did not. She drove everywhere and took care of everyone, and Dad was off to sea 6 -9 months at a stretch (a captain in the Merchant Marines).
After Dad died and we moved out she kind of filled in all the spaces with stuff, although she still had a very rich social life (she has an incredible number of friends, some dating back to childhood and some still very close). I have helped her clear out major clutter more times than I can count. It makes me wonder if there was any relation between her clutter then and her cognitive state now (maybe an earlier foreshadowing), or if she is just a very cluttered disorganized person who also happens to have Early Alzheimer's.

[Tybee]

Update: I saw Mom today and told her I thought the throw rugs should all go. She told me to do whatever I thought was best, so those rugs will be gone by the time she comes home!
I realize there may come a time when she is mistrustful, but in our current circumstances I have no concerns about her questioning my actions after the fact or denying that she gave me permission.
I do have POA and health care proxy, but not guardianship. What is that all about?

First of all, I want to say that your mother sounds like an absolutely wonderful person, and she is still a wonderful person, and you are lucky to have her, and she is lucky to have you and your sister!

I think it is so great that she told you to do whatever you thought was best. That shows she trusts you and yes, while there may come a time when her disease progresses to where there mistrust, you have wonderful opportunity here to make her life better and happier right now, with how you handle things for her, to the extent that is appropriate.

Is your POA the kind that converts to a guardianship if your mom is deemed incompetent? That is the kind my brother arranged with my father, so that if Dad is deemed incompetent, the POA becomes a guardianship. Some POAs are durable, some springing, but if you are already using hers, then it's probably durable, right--here is an article about those distinctions:

https://www.infinlaw.com/faq/durable-vs-springing-power-of-attorney/

What I highly recommend, since you have her POA, is that you talk to an elder care attorney right now and get an overview of her situation and your situation. I would include your sister and any other siblings that are involved. Don't know if you are only one with POA, or if sister is on there, too.

Get the basics of the legalities involved in your state, and talk to someone about what kind of support can be arranged for her, what options are for in-home care, tour some facilities if you find she needs assisted living or nursing home care. Make sure to look at multiple facilities, as each is different and you can learn something on each visit.

I never thought my parents would have to be in assisted living, never, and they never wanted to be. I will say it saved their lives and at least my dad is quite happy where they are--Mom's dementia makes it much harder, but she is happy with him, and they are safe and well cared for. They are also enjoying socializing and are living independently in the sense we are not caring for them and they have their own apartment, decorated to their taste, with some of their things, set up the way they like it. That makes them much happier than they would be living with us, at least while they are together, at this stage.

[razz]

Rosa and Tybee, you are wonderfully attentive and respectful of their needs. I keep saying to whoever will hear it, the most important part in eldercare is having a good advocate and you both are doing that. Good for you and the loved ones.

[Teacher Terry]

As some of you know I was the guardian for a good friend of mine with very early Alzheimer’s. She had no kids and when it was obvious her husband was dying I was given both medical and financial POA’s which is all I needed in this state to make all her decisions. At one point in time she taught a hygiene class to our clients. Hygiene was one of the last things to go but it was just as others have described it. She did well at home but once she had to go to a facility she went totally downhill in a month. She completely quit bathing and would fight anyone that tried and couldn’t carry on a conversation. She barely ate, lost massive amounts of weight, paced for hours on end and eventually didn’t recognize us. Within a year she had to be moved to the lockdown unit in diapers and fed. It was one of the saddest experiences of my life. Thankfully her cancer returned and she died at 65.

[Simplemind]

TT that had to be heartbreaking to watch. I'm thankful we were able to keep my mom at home but it was only because lung cancer took her in the end. She was becoming very close to being more than we could handle and concentrating on her blinded us to my dad's decline and beginning stages of dementia. Even coming over to our home for dinner once a week, when the meal was finished she was ready to go home. She was never comfortable for long away from home. Had we taken her from there I think the same thing would have happened. So glad we never had to find out.
Dad had a different kind of dementia and we were able to move him. I think it hurt us way more to lose that house but he actually blossomed for a bit once we moved him and it was a gift we will always treasure. I drive by the place often and think back on the golden two years and how nice it was to pop in and see him in a lovely apartment all safe and (relatively) sound. The years of taking care of mom took a huge toll on him. I'm glad we were able to spoil him with attention in his remaining years.

[Teacher Terry]

SM, one spouse taking care of another is really tough. My mom cared for my dad for 14 years and I helped. Glad your dad had some good years left. My parents were totally prepared with paperwork and wishes known plus they sold their house and went into a apartment at 65. My friend’s husband tried to talk us into taking Diane into our house and keeping her SS as payment. I am not young and was not willing to sacrifice my life to extend hers. I spent a lot of years raising kids and really enjoy my freedom. I think it was unfair of him to ask. I really feel for everyone experiencing this.

[Tybee]

Thank you, Razz, you made my day.

[happystuff]

Blessings to you all. I don't know if I am strong enough to deal with anyone's old age but my own.

[rosarugosa]

Thanks everyone for the words of support and the sharing of experiences. Tybee, I will check to see what type of POA I have. I think the input on this thread will give me the impetus to cull at least another bag of clothing while she is staying at her friend's house. She has some items that are dated or otherwise unflattering that should go, especially since she has so many beautiful things that look really good on her. She is actually grateful if I tell her something is unflattering, so I'll try to think of this as a little bit of proactive vetting. ;)
The best thing is that sister and I are best friends and on the same page about Mom, and we share the same values and ideas on end of life care as Mom. Sister is an RN, and she says she will move in with Mom when that becomes necessary, but we just keep playing things by ear as we go along. Any decluttering we do now will certainly be helpful if sister does end up moving in.

[rosarugosa]

I spent several hours at Mom's on Monday, and Sis & I spent several more yesterday. We culled another bag of clothes for donation and a second bag for fabric recycling, as well as a few other miscellaneous items and a bag of trash. We are vacuuming, dusting and organizing as we go along. We struggle with the conflict between putting things away (to reduce dust, clutter and confusion) and concern that we are "hiding" them (I know some of the things Mom does are actually her strategies to allow her to function).
I have noticed that I get distracted and overwhelmed amidst her clutter, so it's definitely not an optimal environment for living with Alzheimer's!

[Rachel]

Wow, that was a big ask for someone who was not family.

[Rachel]

So so hard when the mind goes. I truly feel for everyone dealing with a family member who has Alz. It's so fortunate that you and your sister are close and able to communicate so well.

[Teacher Terry]

Rachel, I think when you are mad that you are dying and can’t take care of your wife you are desperate to solve the problem in your own best interests without thinking of others. I have never seen anyone that was dying stay so angry and he took it out on his family and friends. It was sad.