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Geila
11-30-19, 3:05pm
Just posting this to process some uncomfortable feelings.

This morning I met a woman who is living in a garage with her 2 children. The garage is just a makeshift room without carpeting or any other comfort amenities. She pays $1000 per month. The single bathroom is located inside the house and is shared by many people. She gets up at 3 am and drives two towns over for her job at 7-11. She pays someone to get her kids to school in the morning and feels lucky to be able to pick them up in the afternoon before she heads to her second job.

I want to invite her and her children to come live with us. We have so much extra room. I want to offer to take care of her kids so she doesn't have to pay someone. I want to give her one of my area rugs. I want to alleviate some of her hardship. And I want to alleviate the hardship for her children.

But most of all, I wish that life were not so unfair. So harsh for some and yet so easy for others. I feel so sad and guilty and pained at the luxury and comfort that surrounds me while she and her children struggle to get by. And I feel cold and heartless at the prospect of idly standing by and doing nothing at all, while at the same time feeling overwhelmed because I know the need is so great and so vast.

Because this woman is just one of the many people struggling all around me. Compared to her, the family of four sharing a 1-bedroom apartment across the street seem very lucky. And the people living in their car two streets over, I have to avert my eyes when I walk by because I don't want to see it. It's too painful.

How does one maintain compassion without becoming overwhelmed with attachment and guilt?

happystuff
11-30-19, 3:19pm
Just posting this to process some uncomfortable feelings.

This morning I met a woman who is living in a garage with her 2 children. The garage is just a makeshift room without carpeting or any other comfort amenities. She pays $1000 per month. The single bathroom is located inside the house and is shared by many people. She gets up at 3 am and drives two towns over for her job at 7-11. She pays someone to get her kids to school in the morning and feels lucky to be able to pick them up in the afternoon before she heads to her second job.

I want to invite her and her children to come live with us. We have so much extra room. I want to offer to take care of her kids so she doesn't have to pay someone. I want to give her one of my area rugs. I want to alleviate some of her hardship. And I want to alleviate the hardship for her children.

But most of all, I wish that life were not so unfair. So harsh for some and yet so easy for others. I feel so sad and guilty and pained at the luxury and comfort that surrounds me while she and her children struggle to get by. And I feel cold and heartless at the prospect of idly standing by and doing nothing at all, while at the same time feeling overwhelmed because I know the need is so great and so vast.

Because this woman is just one of the many people struggling all around me. Compared to her, the family of four sharing a 1-bedroom apartment across the street seem very lucky. And the people living in their car two streets over, I have to avert my eyes when I walk by because I don't want to see it. It's too painful.

How does one maintain compassion without becoming overwhelmed with attachment and guilt?

My suggestion/answer would be - by doing something. Do whatever you can to address any of the above to the best of your ability. If averting your eyes works to alleviate your pain, I guess that is something, too.

Edited: Reading my response, I can see how it may come across as seeming "harsh", although it was not written with that intent at all! I just mean, if you really want to DO something, then do it!

catherine
11-30-19, 3:26pm
You have a big heart, Geila. Life can be terribly unfair. I have no answers. When you have no money every day is like avoiding land mines. A lot of people don't know what it's like to try to raise kids on no money despite working two jobs, but it's not fun, and it's not easy.

Simplemind
11-30-19, 4:00pm
Geila I think your wanting to do something to change this woman's life is wonderful. I find myself in similar situations where I often despair that a family isn't going to make it and have to tell myself that the problem didn't start today and it isn't going to end today. However, some people can benefit from some assistance with problem solving and available resources. I haven't opened my home (have been very very close) but I have been able to help in finding more affordable housing along with additional resources. Enough to give a bit of a break and some breathing room. I can't stop myself when I see that spark, that fighting spirit that just needs a bit of a break, that leg up that gets them over that barrier. With others it is tragic but you also know that short of a miracle you aren't going to be able to make a difference.

Yppej
11-30-19, 4:01pm
If I remember correctly you need your space and didn't like your husband's relatives? friends? over to visit so I wouldn't recommend inviting anyone to live with you. Maybe get some Christmas presents for the kids. If you have connections you can leverage to help the mom get a better job that would make a real difference.

razz
11-30-19, 5:29pm
What about a basket of food delivered?
Is there an accessible to those in need a source of food and clothing and school supplies that you can assist?
We have Salvation Army team that assesses those in need and I contribute annually to this. They provide the support discreetly and wisely. Other agencies defer to them because they are so helpful to anybody.
I also man shifts on the Christmas Kettle drive.

pinkytoe
11-30-19, 6:09pm
I have thought several times about letting someone who is down and out live in my basement temporarily but I also realize that there are too many things that might go awry in that situation...so I wouldn't recommend that. Surely there are local services that could help out a single mom with kids living in those conditions. I feel for the kids especially as the mom might have made some unfortunate choices early on or never had any opportunity to create a better life situation. There are several older men who live in their cars in the park near us. They move their cars around frequently so as not to get ticketed. There is help for them but they prefer to live in solitude within their cars.

iris lilies
11-30-19, 6:29pm
Here, when you let someone move into your place they have tenant rights of a sudden. Makes no difference if they’re paying rent or not. I wouldn’t do that, let people move in, without having some sort of written agreement that meets the letter of the law.

happystuff
11-30-19, 6:46pm
I keep coming back to - how can someone LEGALLY charge $1000 a month rent on a garage with no bathroom? Which to me, intimates that it is not even a "studio" apartment. Is there running water in this garage? Is there a kitchen? Is there heat? The whole thing sounds very illegal. I know in my area, even subsidized housing costs less and has more amenities.

Yppej
11-30-19, 6:49pm
I keep coming back to - how can someone LEGALLY charge $1000 a month rent on a garage with no bathroom? Which to me, intimates that it is not even a "studio" apartment. Is there running water in this garage? Is there a kitchen? Is there heat? The whole thing sounds very illegal. I know in my area, even subsidized housing costs less and has more amenities.

If it's subsidized shouldn't it cost less though?

happystuff
11-30-19, 6:53pm
If it's subsidized shouldn't it cost less though?

My point was that subsidized housing costs less than $1000/month with MORE amenities - minimally, a bathroom! Geila doesn't state whether the garage is "subsidized" or not; but I would guess it is not, as I'm still thinking the "no bathroom" would disqualify it as such.

Tybee
11-30-19, 7:21pm
I would try to help your new friend find subsidized, safe housing. What she is in does not sound like legal housing.
I would not undertake supporting this woman and her children, which is what you would be doing in the scenario you propose.

Geila
11-30-19, 8:09pm
If I remember correctly you need your space and didn't like your husband's relatives? friends? over to visit so I wouldn't recommend inviting anyone to live with you.

You're right, and I know this about myself, so as much I want to do it, I won't. I've done it before and regretted it.

As far as the subsidized housing, from what I hear it's very difficult to get here. You have to be on a waiting list for years. I don't think she has much chance of getting it anytime soon. That's why people can get away with charging for what she has now. She officially rents a "room" and can sometimes use the kitchen in the house; there's no heat or insulation or running water in the garage. The cheapest apartments in the area are $1600 for a 1/bedroom, and that's a bare-bones apartment, no washer/dryer in the unit or anything like that. For someone like me, paying an extra $600/mo seems preferable and doable, but I can afford $600/mo. To her, that's over 50% increase every month. And apartment buildings charge first and last month's rent plus security deposit; so we're talking $4800 just to move in. I'm not sure what utilities are included in that, but I don't think electric and gas are included.

I'm not planning on supporting her and her children. It's just hard to see someone in that situation when we have the means to help. I'll be thinking about how I can be of support without giving the impression that she should be embarrassed about her situation. This kind of thing is happening a lot here and is just an unfortunate reality.

She's new in the neighborhood and I was asking her which school her kids attend and she said that a woman came to her house and convinced her to enroll in a special school but that her kids don't like it and that it's in a different neighborhood. It turns out one of the local charter schools is aggressively recruiting students and that's what happened to her. I told her the public schools in our community are good schools and are very close to her house (the elementary & middle school that her kids would attend are just a couple of blocks away) so she is going to move her kids. That's at least one thing I could help her with right away. There are a few other resources that I will connect her with. She's a victim of domestic violence and there's a local organization that provides lots of resources for victims.

I will also put together a Christmas basket for them and ask her if she wants one of my area rugs. The rug is about 6 years old but it still looks decent and it's got to be better than nothing.

Gardnr
11-30-19, 9:09pm
1st, please don't feel guilty. You've worked hard for your life.

2nd, because your heart wants to help THIS woman, can you offer to drive those kids to school so she does not have to pay? Can you pack a lunch for each of them so Mom doesn't have to worry about that?

If you have the rug to spare, offer it.


And those folks in their car, wave to them and give them a smile. Don't make them invisible. If you feel so moved, take them a hot meal sometime.

You can be generous in your comfort zone. Guilt? No room. Keep your heart filled with joy and gratitude for the life you've created for yourself! That is how to keep guilt out. But for the grace of God go I :)

iris lilies
11-30-19, 10:35pm
1st, please don't feel guilty. You've worked hard for your life.

2nd, because your heart wants to help THIS woman, can you offer to drive those kids to school so she does not have to pay? Can you pack a lunch for each of them so Mom doesn't have to worry about that?

If you have the rug to spare, offer it.


And those folks in their car, wave to them and give them a smile. Don't make them invisible. If you feel so moved, take them a hot meal sometime.

You can be generous in your comfort zone. Guilt? No room. Keep your heart filled with joy and gratitude for the life you've created for yourself! That is how to keep guilt out. But for the grace of God go I :)

This is a very nice thought and it’s practical at the same time. Do small things as you can. Inviting someone in to live in your home is a really really big deal. And well that may be great for the recipient, it may not last because it may not be good for you 0P. Anyway – Gardnr points out several good ways to help and a framework for helping.

sweetana3
12-1-19, 5:28am
Geila, you have come up with incredibly helpful information which directly helps her. Things she would not have the time to find out with kids and two jobs. You could help by being the "finder" who can take the time to find what is available and help her access what is available. What thrift stores are recommended in your area?

You might talk to a local domestic violence shelter to get ideas. We have ones with counseling, housing help, etc. Finding the info is time consuming for someone working two jobs.

I would consider talking to friends about forming a Christmas for them. Not in a bunch of boxes way but with actual needs. For example, gas cards, food cards, clothing, etc. Small other things that can be easily taken to another home if you want to give a toy. It is often easier to get friends to give to a specific child or family than to give to an anonymous someone. The worst thing they can say is no.

You are doing a good thing.

Teacher Terry
12-1-19, 11:13am
It took my friend 4 years to get a low income senior apartment but I am glad I helped her apply because it got her out of a unsafe dump. Google local services and help that way. Also contact a state or county social worker for other resources.

Geila
12-1-19, 2:41pm
because your heart wants to help THIS woman, can you offer to drive those kids to school so she does not have to pay?

But for the grace of God go I :)

Actually, if she moves her kids they can walk to school! Where they're at now is def too far and unsafe for them to walk, but the public schools are just a couple of blocks away and her kids are 11 and 12. There's plenty of kids who walk to school in this area so they will be safe. But I will offer to walk them the first week and offer to have them over when they have off days and she works. And I've identified other resources I can connect her with. I know she's already dealing with a bunch of legal stuff so I want to be careful not to overwhelm her with my "help".

I think my issue is that I feel the need to help ALL people, not just this woman. It's hard for me to turn off the urge to help others. It's actually painful for me to see others struggling. It did help to hear that others struggle with this too and have been in similar situations.

And yes, the phrase "There but for the grace of God go I" is always on my mind. When I was younger I wanted to be a social worker but then realized that I would not survive it.

Teacher Terry
12-1-19, 3:29pm
I have struggled with this with both people and dogs. I only lasted 4 years as a social worker but mainly because a collegiate that I had cases in common was murdered by a client in her own home. We all felt strongly it was a client and it took 22 years to solve the crime. I had small kids and wasn’t taking any chances. In those 4 years all my kids outgrown clothes, toys, extra furniture, etc was given to clients. Up until recently we had double the dogs we really wanted because I couldn’t turn them down. My mom said you can’t save the world and she was right. Don’t let it consume you. Help but keep healthy boundaries.

Gardnr
12-1-19, 5:19pm
I think my issue is that I feel the need to help ALL people, not just this woman. It's hard for me to turn off the urge to help others. It's actually painful for me to see others struggling. It did help to hear that others struggle with this too and have been in similar situations.

I hear ya! Probably my reason to be in healthcare for 39 years. I decided many many years ago, all of our charitable giving stays right here in town: Foodbank, Women's/Childrens' shelter and 1 more family shelter as well as a few others.

I can't help them all so I selected the organizations who stretch my $ the furthest.

Yes, the struggle is real. And it really is key to enjoy your own life, your home, your vehicle, your hobbies, your everything. Your mental health needs you to do what you can and let the rest go.

Simplemind
12-1-19, 8:53pm
Bless you TT. I know my financial assistance would be but a drop in the bucket but one thing I am good with is resources and helping people get connected to them. One of the reasons I prefer to volunteer my time as opposed to writing a check. I also get immediate feedback as to it being ultimately beneficial..... or not.

Teacher Terry
12-1-19, 10:34pm
SM, I believe people like you make a difference.

happystuff
12-2-19, 5:11pm
One of the reasons I prefer to volunteer my time as opposed to writing a check. I also get immediate feedback as to it being ultimately beneficial..... or not.

I think that is fabulous. There are so many benefits to volunteering time. Kudos to you.

Tammy
12-2-19, 5:58pm
I witnessed something interesting along these lines yesterday. We live in a gentrifying area where homeless people still wander the streets in our neighborhood. There was a lady last night across the street from us on the sidewalk throwing her personal belongings and screaming loudly. She kept this behavior up for several minutes, and was very frustrated and angry. A young woman who lives nearby came out of her house with a reusable shopping bag and offered it to this lady. The lady accepted it and put all of her things in it and walked away. She appeared to be psychotic, high, or both most likely - but the simple act of a bag for her things calmed her down and she was able to go on with her life. It’s the little things. And also I was very impressed with my neighbors bravery because this lady had a lot of anxious and angry energy about her. I didn’t feel like I wanted to approach her!