That authenticity thing

[Chicken lady]

Is exhausting.

i found the thread I started a few years ago. I didn’t add on to it because it’s too long, but it’s the one on “becoming authentic”

this year is a roller coaster.

Joy - my dd1 is going to have a baby in July.

and pain - can’t share much, but there have been two dead young people in my life this year, three youth suicide attempts, and a mental health crisis that has a family I love facing a murder trial.

and many small things on both sides.

i have learned that loving like you’ll never be hurt hurts pretty much constantly. And that I know no other way to love.

i have learned that I believe in redemption. And mercy and grace.

i have lost the energy or patience to judge, care, or argue about small things.

my definition of “small things” has expanded exponentially.

I am doing a lot of re-examining of what matters in my life from a clean slate perspective (if this were someone else’s life and was stepping into it with full power to edit, would I choose this?) and letting go if the weight of previous decisions (for example decoupling the garden from good years and bad years, successes, failures, and expectations and simply looking at it as a piece of yard and deciding what, if anything, I want to do with it this year. Just this year. - sometimes and some decisions, just today.)

i still love my job, and it still brings me small joys every day. I look for them harder now. I may cut back my hours next year however because I will have my grandchild one day a week. (The day I already don’t work) I have left my schedule in the hands of my boss - I gave her my class options list for next year and a request for a full day off if she can fit my core classes into three days. 2nd choice is four full days which would actually be a schedule increase. We had a conversation about why something in between is the worst option.

i am doing more with my pottery. I have made more connections through that in the local community and may add soap to my repertoire. I am not sure how I feel about my local community or being more visible in it

Dh is in charge of dinner. Full stop.

I have gained a significant amount of weight and dislike my body from a functional standpoint. But when I get to the end of the day I am wrung out, and dh brings me comfort on a plate and I eat too much. And I don’t exercise enough because I put too much of my energy in other places. And joint pain. I need to stop and look at this one because there is a lot more to unpack in it.

i am still fighting depression.

I have realized I have very few people I trust to help me carry the things in my life that are too heavy for me. And the idea of sharing that weight with most of them is unbearable.

Lately I get up every day open to the possibility of the best possible outcome but expecting that I will get the opposite. Someone recently called me an optimist, and I responded that it is less about believing that everything will work out and more about learning to be pleasantly surprised that I am not dead.

[herbgeek]

I just want to say how much I appreciate your honesty and vulnerability, and how listening to your words helps me in my every day life. I am currently in a difficult family situation (90 year old father just diagnosed with aggressive cancer, mother with dementia who is in denial and insists she is "fine") and your words helped me today. Thank you.

[catherine]

Wow, CL, looks like you've learned a lot of significant things about yourself this year ("The unexamined life is not worth living."--emerson). I'm so sorry for your losses and challenges. I admire your ability to turn them into touchstones for growth and change in your own life.

It's always so great to hear from you, and I, and I'm sure many of us, missed you during your "hiatus" from the forum this year. Thanks for checking in--and being so authentic. ;)

herbgeek, I'm so sorry about your parents' health challenges.

[happystuff]

Thank you for sharing. I am sending you hugs and positive energies. I could very well have written some of the things in your post. I agree, it is exhausting.

[rosarugosa]

It is good to hear from you CL, but I'm very sorry for the recent tragedies in your life.
Herbgeek: I'm sorry to hear about the issues with your parents. My MIL has the denial version of dementia too. I tell myself that at least she is spared the anguish that my mother has, since my mom is fully aware of her own Alzheimer's Disease.

[iris lilies]

CL, You are a good writer with great insight. Your post made our SL website a better place today even if you are not in a good place right now.

[Tybee]

It's so good to see you back, Chicken lady, and sorry to hear you are going through difficult times.

[JaneV2.0]

Some years just seem to have it all, don't they?

I have no answers; I'm pretty good at enduring, but it gets old. Actually, getting old gets old.

The capacity for being pleasantly surprised by life's small pleasures is an underrated skill, and a very good one to have.

[razz]

Thanks to all for posting as life has its challenges. Sometimes we feel alone in all of this and having someone sharing their vulnerability is so helpful and supportive. I asked a mentor how to deal with all the garbage going on at one point; he gently pointed out that I was built for the high seas not sitting in a harbour and we go through storms, we don't stay in them. I found that helpful so sharing that with the hope that others find it helpful as well.

[Teacher Terry]

About 20 years ago I had a horrible year and went from a energetic optimistic to barely functioning. I went to work everyday and then took a walk. I would be in bed by 6 and sleep 12 hours. I have never been that depressed in my life. What you are going through is so sad. Sending hugs.

[rosarugosa]

That is a cool analogy, Razz.

[Geila]

razz - your post reminded me of this:

You Were Made For This
Clarissa Pinkola Estes

Ours is not the task of fixing the entire world all at once, but of stretching out to mend the part of the world that is within our reach. Any small, calm thing that one soul can do to help another soul, to assist some portion of this poor suffering world, will help immensely. It is not given to us to know which acts or by whom, will cause the critical mass to tip toward an enduring good. What is needed for dramatic change is an accumulation of acts, adding, adding to, adding more, continuing. We know that it does not take everyone on Earth to bring justice and peace, but only a small, determined group who will not give up during the first, second, or hundredth gale.

One of the most calming and powerful actions you can do to intervene in a stormy world is to stand up and show your soul. Soul on deck shines like gold in dark times. The light of the soul throws sparks, can send up flares, builds signal fires, causes proper matters to catch fire. To display the lantern of soul in shadowy times like these -- to be fierce and to show mercy toward others; both are acts of immense bravery and greatest necessity. Struggling souls catch light from other souls who are fully lit and willing to show it. If you would help to calm the tumult, this is one of the strongest things you can do.

There will always be times when you feel discouraged. I too have felt despair many times in my life, but I do not keep a chair for it. I will not entertain it. It is not allowed to eat from my plate. [...]

In that spirit, I hope you will write this on your wall: When a great ship is in harbor and moored, it is safe, there can be no doubt. But that is not what great ships are built for.

--Clarissa Pinkola Estes

[Tybee]

Geila, I so resonate with this:
"I too have felt despair many times in my life, but I do not keep a chair for it. I will not entertain it. It is not allowed to eat from my plate. "

I love this. I refuse to allow myself to continue in negative thinking. There was a wonderful book many years ago entitled You Can't Afford the Luxury of a Negative Thought. I actually think that is very true, on a spiritual, mental, and physical level.

[Chicken lady]

Thank you all.

herbgeek, I’m glad if I could help.

not letting despair eat from my plate is a big one for me.

i wear my starfish necklace pretty much every day. So that it is right their reminding me that I can’t save every starfish on the beach, but I can make a difference to “this one.”

I struggle sometimes because my life is really really good. I sat at Christmas surrounded by my happy healthy children, celebrating the coming grandchild and surrounded by their love, and it was so hard for me to shut up the voice telling me another woman’s child was in prison, another woman’s child was in the hospital, another woman’s child was gone. This has always been true. It will always be true. And to deny joy because you know it to be true is to decide that no one, anywhere, at any time, should feel joy. Which is the opposite of what I believe to be right and good.

there should be as much joy as possible.

[catherine]

CL, did you ever read the book The Secret Life of Bees? One of the characters, May, is extremely emotionally sensitive, and in order to keep from crying all the time, she writes down all the sad things and stuffs the scraps of paper in the stone wall. Kind of a Southern wailing wall.

You remind me of this character in terms of carrying the sadness of the world on your shoulders. One of my Al-Anon friends used to tell me that she would write down things that distressed her about her alcoholic husband and then put the notes in a "God box" and hand it over to her Higher Power.

Maybe you need some secular form of a God box where you can release all your sadness about these women and their children. You have such a BIG heart.

[Chicken lady]

Have read the book. Actually didn’t like it all that much. I’m too pragmatic to see any benefit in that writing thing, although perhaps that’s what I’m doing here - just needing to tell another human.

it’s my pain that hurts me, not theirs.

Today one of my students suggested I do something that would be way too much work. I replied “I love you guys, but I’m not doing that.” And one of my favorite kids, whom I’ve taught for years, looked up and asked “Did you just say you LOVE us?” I looked him right back in the eye and very matter of fact said “yes.”

That kid had me laying my head on a coworker’s table and sobbing last year. He is doing really well now. Yes kid, I love you.

[beckyliz]

Just want to say it's good to see you back on the board, Chicken Lady. Thanks for sharing your private life. I saw a meme on Facebook the other day and shared it: shoutout to girls who haven't felt okay lately, but get up everyday and refuse to quit. stay strong queens.

That's a lot of us.

[happystuff]

we go through storms, we don't stay in them.

This is JUST what I needed to get through my "storms" right now. Thank you so much!!!

[Chicken lady]

Two things.

i did not tell my bio kids about our friend, because I did not want to burden them. The mom started a fundraiser for legal and medical costs which came to my dd2 because they are Facebook friends. Dd2 called me thinking she needed to tell me. I accidentally provided her with details she did not have, to which she responded “I wish I didn’t know that.” I am somewhat relieved at having someone else know even though I feel terrible that she does. Also I am second guessing how I could have handled the whole thing better. And wondering if I should tell the other two kids.

A conversation with my boss this week leads me to believe that I will be getting my least desired acceptable schedule. Dd1 says I am a terrible negotiator because I tell people right up front what I have to have. She says people don’t do that. That I should tell them I need xyz and then negotiate for x and y. I say I need x and y and I would like z and this is why I feel that way. Then I expect you to explain to me why I can’t have z if I don’t get it and my relationship with you is forever colored by how I feel about that explanation. Also when people come back and say “we can’t do y” I say, “ok, thanks for trying to work with me, good luck.” And then if they say “wait, wait, maybe we can do y.” I never trust them again.

So basically, my boss came to ask me if the schedule she had in mind fell within my parameters because she was concerned that it didn’t have any z’s, and I said yes because even though I don’t like it, it’s acceptable. She had good reasons and while I don’t have to like them, they are what they are. And yes, other employees may well be getting more of what they want because they are less honest about wants vs. needs. And I may be getting less in order to accommodate them. I can’t change the system, I can only change me. I believe that she would give me what I want if she felt could, but she has to consider the whole program. I did tell her “if I have to do that, could I also do this?” (An add on that wasn’t viable with my first choice, so I didn’t ask for it) and she said “yes, I think so, let me see if I can work it in.”

She knows what she can count on from me and where my values are. The flip side of that is that she doesn’t ever ask me to do things that don’t align with those values, and when I stuck my head in her office yesterday and said “hey, there’s this cool program (thirty second description) can I send out parent letters and recruit kids and can I have this much money?” She just said “Yes. Go for it.” SOP is “send a written proposal with details and the parent letter for review. Identify the source of your money.”

Eventually the business manager will probably come ask me where the money is supposed to come from, and I will say “I don’t know, (director) said I could have it.” And i will never have to think about it again.

[Teacher Terry]

It sounds to me like you are upfront and honest and your boss appreciates that plus she trusts you.

[Chicken lady]

This morning I went in feeling a little stressed and uncomfortable about something at work. And I had a very hard and honest conversation with my boss, and I left feeling so much better. And she seemed happy too.

It reminds me how important it is to steer by my own compass.

when I told dh about the situation, he said, well, it sounds like you can either do the thing, or not do the thing. And I said “but I feel like I’m being forced into the thing and I don’t like it.” And he told me that is what managers do.

Apparently employees don’t go in and say, so are you cutting my other options to force me to do this? Or did you really not like the other options? And if not, why?

My boss said she liked the other options but they conflicted with other things - here is why (i could trade for some if I wanted, but I don’t want to) and she didn’t want me doing the thing if I didn’t like it, but here was the reason she needed the thing and she didn’t really have anyone else to do it. And then we talked about it for a while and came up with a new thing that I do like that replaces the original thing. So I’m going to do that.