View Full Version : Life rhythm
I recently had a conversation with a friend that left me amused. She's a workaholic (in her 70's with no plans to retire) and expressed her concern of me becoming a vegetable because I'm "not doing anything" with my life (in my 50's and retired). I laughed and told her not to worry about me. I'm enjoying my life - I say that's enough for me!~ :laff: I've done all the things - the working hard jobs for too many years, the helping others on mission trips and volunteer work, the learning, the growing... I've done it all. When I was growing up I dreamed of being special and doing great things. Now I'm happy being average and living this life that is uniquely mine.
Last year I joined a group to be more social (you know, cause they keep badgering about social connected people being happier and healthier) and I was out there doing stuff with people, going here and there. And after a couple of months, I missed my life. I missed sitting in the backyard with my pets, enjoying the sun and birdsong. I missed having my little dog sleeping on my chest in the afternoon. I missed having nothing urgent or pressing to do. I found myself tired from running around and unable to just enjoy the rhythm of the life I've created, the leisurely way it unfolds.
My days are filled with walks and the everyday things of life - cooking, shopping, laundry, cleaning, gardening, movies on Netflix, reading, playing with my pets (way more playing with pets than cleaning and laundry!), caring for my pets, grooming my pets!, visiting family, thinking up decorating projects that never happen, etc... I volunteer at the animal shelter and organic farm whenever I feel like it, there is no set schedule and I like it that way. I have zero desire to encumber myself with a job when I don't need the money, or commitments when I don't have the desire for them. Does that mean I'm sliding more rapidly into decrepitude? :laff: In all honesty, I don't think my friend is any happier than I am. And she's often sick because she pushes herself very hard. I don't want that life. I would rather be happy and boring.
What is your life's rhythm? Are you happy with it?
3126
Now I'm happy being average and living this life that is uniquely mine.
Your friend has her life and you have yours, and yours sounds perfect.
I'm kind of happy with my life rhythm. I would like LESS of the "scale" of the rhythm of my song to be devoted to work.
I recently signed up for a 10 month self-mastery program. I tend to be a cross between your friend and a completely laid-back, "let it be" "it's all cool" kind of person. I joined this program because I am slightly desperate to make my "third act" count--not in any way that society cares about, but more along the lines of the old "deathbed" thing--when I look back on my life, what will I see? When I look back I want to know I've lived my life the way I wanted to. I know I have a lot more to give.
Richard Rohr wrote a book called Falling Upward which talks about the two halves of life. He talks about how when you are in your second half you can settle into "choiceless choices". I love that, because in my life experience, I know that my most significant decisions were "choiceless choices." So what I want to do focus on what is important to me, and to do it, without any influence from my people-pleasing proclivity or my passivity. I want to be actively engaged in life.
So, I'm rocking the rhythm, but I want it to be my song.
No. I would rather be retired like you are.
Interesting question!
I wake up at 5am most days, like the freedom of deciding each day what I am doing beyond the volunteer roles that I chose. I enjoy walking my little dog for long walks every day, swimming in the community pool every other day; read the news and then exploring on the internet for about an hour or two each day. Friends are part of my contacts each day but very little rushing around which I enjoy. My day is slowing down around 9-9:30pm each evening and I'm in bed at 10pm. I suppose that is a rhythm. I do take off and do things spontaneously which is fun and breaks up the routine.
Teacher Terry
2-24-20, 6:07pm
I am happy with the way things are. I work a little at home, have plenty of time for dogs, walking, family and fun.
ApatheticNoMore
2-24-20, 6:15pm
I go to work, I go to the gym a few times a week, I come home and sometimes push myself to study work related things in the evening etc. (it's fine not to do that if one is retired, but if one isn't retired and doesn't, well they are unemployable is all, just saying). I do often think I had more time when single, I need that time, but I miss my bf when I don't see him.
When I retired last May, I wanted 6 months or so to decompress, and I did. I was thinking about some bigger projects for this year, but then my father was diagnosed with lung cancer, and life has revolved around his care, and that of my mother who has dementia. The days that I'm not on duty for care are slow and filled with only the essentials: long sleep, good meals, lots of fresh air and exercise. I see how much of what I previously filled my life with really just isn't that essential. Once my father passes, and my mother is placed in a longer term situation, my life can continue, but it will have a different perspective for sure.
It seems like it is pounded into our heads from early on that our value comes from being productive, making money, having lots of social outings, travel etc. For about a year after I retired, DD bugged me with "but what are you doing with all your time" questions. There is a natural rhythm now that involves a class or volunteer work now and then, morning coffee, reading, walks, errands and always gardening when the weather allows. I always enjoyed being domestic (not popular to admit these days) so I spend some time each day planning meals, cooking and keeping a tidy, organized house now. And yet - darn, a certain guilt persists that I should be doing "more".
I recently had a conversation with a friend that left me amused. She's a workaholic (in her 70's with no plans to retire) and expressed her concern of me becoming a vegetable because I'm "not doing anything" with my life (in my 50's and retired). I laughed and told her not to worry about me. I'm enjoying my life - I say that's enough for me!~ :laff: I've done all the things - the working hard jobs for too many years, the helping others on mission trips and volunteer work, the learning, the growing... I've done it all. When I was growing up I dreamed of being special and doing great things. Now I'm happy being average and living this life that is uniquely mine.
Last year I joined a group to be more social (you know, cause they keep badgering about social connected people being happier and healthier) and I was out there doing stuff with people, going here and there. And after a couple of months, I missed my life. I missed sitting in the backyard with my pets, enjoying the sun and birdsong. I missed having my little dog sleeping on my chest in the afternoon. I missed having nothing urgent or pressing to do. I found myself tired from running around and unable to just enjoy the rhythm of the life I've created, the leisurely way it unfolds.
My days are filled with walks and the everyday things of life - cooking, shopping, laundry, cleaning, gardening, movies on Netflix, reading, playing with my pets (way more playing with pets than cleaning and laundry!), caring for my pets, grooming my pets!, visiting family, thinking up decorating projects that never happen, etc... I volunteer at the animal shelter and organic farm whenever I feel like it, there is no set schedule and I like it that way. I have zero desire to encumber myself with a job when I don't need the money, or commitments when I don't have the desire for them. Does that mean I'm sliding more rapidly into decrepitude? :laff: In all honesty, I don't think my friend is any happier than I am. And she's often sick because she pushes herself very hard. I don't want that life. I would rather be happy and boring.
What is your life's rhythm? Are you happy with it?
3126
Inspiring, Geila!!3128
Inspiring, Geila!!3128
Love it!
It seems like it is pounded into our heads from early on that our value comes from being productive, making money, having lots of social outings, travel etc. For about a year after I retired, DD bugged me with "but what are you doing with all your time" questions. There is a natural rhythm now that involves a class or volunteer work now and then, morning coffee, reading, walks, errands and always gardening when the weather allows. I always enjoyed being domestic (not popular to admit these days) so I spend some time each day planning meals, cooking and keeping a tidy, organized house now. And yet - darn, a certain guilt persists that I should be doing "more".
It's too bad that domesticity should have a bad rep. More and more I find pleasure in being "gently" domestic. :D I think people who enjoy it are lucky. It provides such a great reward for the effort.
Teacher Terry
2-24-20, 8:06pm
I have a neater and cleaner house now which I enjoy and I am cooking more. I don’t love cleaning but I rather spend the money on something else versus the cleaner. I also break it down by room so I don’t clean the entire house at once.
iris lilies
2-24-20, 8:15pm
Our lives revolve around gardening season.
This year it really sunk in to me how restful and relaxing I find December January and February. I mean it’s always like that each year, and we usually do a house cleaning task, even though I haven’t done that this year. It’s just nice to take a rest from constant dirt and bugs and pet hair and stinky smells od summer. I like the cool dry air of winter.
So the rhythm of our lives is determined by what’s going on outdoors here in the Midwest where we have seasons.
I’ve always been somewhat annoyed by the big American holidays that often seem to interrupt my garden work or time of rest. Ya’ll know how I bitch and moan about Christmas holidays! Part of that is the universal frenzy of people during a time when it “should”be (according to my life rhythm,) slowly doing indoor stuff and contemplating what is next.
Any celebration of Easter or Mardi Gras or Mother’s day often interfered with garden time which was a precious commodity when I was working. Not so much now, though.
iris lilies
2-24-20, 8:18pm
It's too bad that domesticity should have a bad rep. More and more I find pleasure in being "gently" domestic. :D I think people who enjoy it are lucky. It provides such a great reward for the effort.
I agree. It is a rich spouse indeed who has someone in their home to keep it tidy and lovely. If that home worker enjoys the job, that is great!
It's too bad that domesticity should have a bad rep. More and more I find pleasure in being "gently" domestic. :D I think people who enjoy it are lucky. It provides such a great reward for the effort.
I'm with you on this. I have always loved cooking but it was a chore when I worked long days, a chore I hated. Now going out to eat is rare-maybe 2-3x/month instead of 3/4 per week!
Keeping our homes clean doesn't take me long. I do enjoy a clean home.
I'm not missing work at all. I too have realized that being in charge of every day and doing what I want/when I want is awesome! Some days I'm a total slug. Other days, I'm doing stuff all day long.
Lovin' life!
rosarugosa
2-25-20, 5:48am
When I retired last May, I wanted 6 months or so to decompress, and I did. I was thinking about some bigger projects for this year, but then my father was diagnosed with lung cancer, and life has revolved around his care, and that of my mother who has dementia. The days that I'm not on duty for care are slow and filled with only the essentials: long sleep, good meals, lots of fresh air and exercise. I see how much of what I previously filled my life with really just isn't that essential. Once my father passes, and my mother is placed in a longer term situation, my life can continue, but it will have a different perspective for sure.
I'm sorry, Herbgeek. I sometimes think about how much different my retirement would feel if my mother hadn't been diagnosed with Alzheimer's, but I try not to dwell on it and just move forward with the cards as they were dealt.
happystuff
2-25-20, 7:57am
While I look forward to no longer having to work for income (i.e. retire in about 8 years), I am trying to do those things I *want* to do - now. I don't want to wait to try things. And that includes going back to things like gardening. Did it years ago and am actually planning to do some this year. Veggies. LOL. We'll see.
While I look forward to no longer having to work for income (i.e. retire in about 8 years), I am trying to do those things I *want* to do - now. I don't want to wait to try things. And that includes going back to things like gardening. Did it years ago and am actually planning to do some this year. Veggies. LOL. We'll see.
You are very wise. We live now so doing what is really important to you is doing it now at a scale that one can enjoy. I still approach life that way as I am retired. Each day is magic to be savoured by doing the tiniest little thing to big items.
I would discount anything a friend (?) said after they implied I would be a "vegetable" without a job. How insulting.
Teacher Terry
2-25-20, 10:46am
Rosa and Herb I was involved with caregiving for many years between my parents and some friends of ours. It’s tough.
SteveinMN
2-25-20, 10:46am
I would discount anything a friend (?) said after they implied I would be a "vegetable" without a job. How insulting.
It is presumptous, yes. But among the few (soon-to-be-) retired peers I know well enough to discuss the topic, many have a concern about retreating to a chair in front of a TV for the rest of their inactive lives. We've seen others do that far too many times. And that is a particular danger here in the winter.
DW and I are in transition. She retires in just less than three months. Right now I am the househusband; with the exception of clothes washing and buying gifts for others, if it happens in or around the house, it's because I've done it. It's not a full-time job but it takes a fair amount of time. I'm okay with that; I see it as my contribution to our partnership and the household. That will change, though, once DW no longer has to go to work each day. I'm okay with that, too.
In the space of the six weeks around DW's retirement, a long-time volunteer gig of mine is ending (moving much further away than I want to drive and changing in essential form as well). My term as president of a new non-profit is ending (I'll still be involved but it won't soak up nearly as much of my time as it does now). I'm going to have oodles of free time real soon.
And, right now, I don't know what to do with that time. I will pick up a new volunteer gig. There are a few long-standing projects I'll now have time to dive into, but they won't take that long. DW has talked about starting a consulting business in her field because she knows she wants some structure to her retirement days. She does not envision it as a 40-hour-a-week engagement. I've told DW I'll be her back-office support for the business, at least at the beginning.
But I'm so used to living "on-call" (grandkids sick at day care? I can get there before anyone else can. Tradesperson coming to fix something or give us a bid? I'm here. Sign for a package. Yo...) that it will take time to get used to not being the one who does that. I'm good with not having so many deadlines or appointments and having the freedom to declare a "snow day". But, right now, anyway, I do want to put a bigger ding in the universe than I'm doing now. Time and opportunity will tell.
"It is presumptous, yes. But among the few (soon-to-be-) retired peers I know well enough to discuss the topic, many have a concern about retreating to a chair in front of a TV for the rest of their inactive lives. We've seen others do that far too many times. And that is a particular danger here in the winter."
"Their inactive lives." My whole life, I've preferred mostly to sit quietly with a good book. Work for pay got in the way of that until--at the end of my career--I lucked into a job where I was basically a caretaker, and I could spend the whole shift reading. I have savored every minute of retirement, even though I'm not sky-diving or rock climbing. We don't all enjoy the same things, after all.
Maybe those who "retreat to a chair in front of a TV" are worn out from a life of meaningless labor, suffering from health problems making a more active life difficult, genuinely interested in television, or something else. As the kids might say, people inclined to judge should stay in their own lane.
dictionary definition: noun. The definition of a vegetable is a person that is no longer able to mentally function. An example of a vegetable is someone with a brain injury that cannot live without life support. As long as retirees have a functioning brain, they don't have to fear becoming a "vegetable."
I with Steve as I watched my late DH retreat to the TV. I was out doing things and still have great difficulty sitting still for any length of time. I do not watch TV but kept DH company when Jeopardy came on.
Steve, may I suggest that you initiate a weekly coffee hour for the guys? Men have a harder time finding occasions to socialize, it seems. It may take some effort initially to talk to a venue that will support this and then a few reminders to the guys via text or email about where and when. After that, leave it up to them to come or not. All you actually are agreeing to do is to be there at that time for a coffee. The guys will support each other with ideas for doing whatever, volunteering and problem solving as well, I am sure.
Someone may suggest a project to help someone in need and the 'gang' will pitch in as they are able.
I did this with ladies but on a monthly basis and it is working out well. The restaurant is quiet around 2pm on a Monday afternoon usually so it is works for them as well.
One friend who started a weekly coffee hour when she retired from teaching is still going after 20 years. She arranges her life around it.
I with Steve as I watched my late DH retreat to the TV. I was out doing things and still have great difficulty sitting still for any length of time. I do not watch TV but kept DH company when Jeopardy came on.
...
That's the difference--you have difficulty sitting still. A lot of us have difficulty being "a flea on a griddle" as a friend's mother would say. See above: we're all individuals.
I with Steve as I watched my late DH retreat to the TV.
My MiL is in assisted living now, not because of a debilitating chronic condition, but because she just did not move through her life. She worked in a cafeteria, she raised kids, and she's no TV connoisseur. In most respects, a life like many, many others. Now she finds it difficult to move and, some nights, will settle for eating snacks in her room rather than make the trip down two hallways for the dinner that's cooked for and served to the residents. We see it all the time with older (70s) people we (used to) dance with: they don't dance but every other dance, then they can't come every time, then they start staying in when it's dark or rainy or icy. Then they stop dancing altogether because it's just too tough to get there and participate anymore.
I don't think it would be hard to find valid medical studies that show continued motion is one of the best ways to improve the quality of life in old age. Ditto for mental engagement, which is not a knock on TV as there are many options which can foster mental activity -- though watching a wall of prime-time syndicated sitcoms may not.
Steve, may I suggest that you initiate a weekly coffee hour for the guys?
Thanks, razz. I already have some of these in place; scheduled lunches with former co-workers, friends, etc., usually every other week, but that works well for now. I've kept those going since I left Corporate America. A friend who retired when I did and moved to North Dakota has a similar group that he meets with. Coincidentally, he was one of the former co-workers I ate lunch with every other week (!).
That social outlet also was a prime attraction of my volunteer gig -- we made an excellent team. We worked together for about eight years. We actually are looking for another volunteer opportunity that we can do as a team but haven't yet found one (we likely will not). I'd love to be part of a team like that in my next volunteer opportunity but I'm not holding my breath. I do want it to be a position in which I can be physically active, however, so there's at least some opportunity to literally flex my muscles. I'm very happy living a good chunk of my life on-line. But living on-line does not get me to move more and being a specific somewhere at a specific time to see people I care about has its pluses, too. I know I need both of those.
I did feel a bit insulted after being called a soon-to-be vegetable. But then I realized that we often impose our own views on others, consciously or not. In the past few years my friend has gotten very sick several times and it takes her weeks or months to get well. I've often thought that if she was retired, her body would have a chance to heal more quickly and that her quality of life would improve. And I don't remember specifically saying that to her but I probably did or something to that effect. But her idea of quality of life is different than mine. And I think that is the real difference.
I know many retired folks in their 60's and 70's who are very active in lots of different stuff and are very happy with their lives. I also know folks in the same age brackets who were not happy being retired because they felt they didn't have anything to do. They didn't particularly have any hobbies that they were passionate about or ways to keep themselves entertained without a job to go to; so they got part-time jobs and are happy working. Interestingly, I have not really seen a good correlation between activity and health in this admittedly small group of subjects. Some of the most active people also seem to have the most health issues; I think genetics plays a much larger role than we realize.
Reading Your Money Or Your Life in my late 20's/early 30's helped me understand what it is that makes *me* happy. I became a caretaker as soon as I could function (8 kids in the family with 2 of them disabled). At 7 I was picking up the younger kids from the babysitter on my way home from school and taking care of them until the evening when my mother came home tired from her long day at a sweat shop. By 11 I was cooking full meals for a family of 10 and doing laundry, cleaning, babysitting, etc... I was attending parent/teacher conferences, helping kids with homework, ironing, changing diapers, etc... I could never participate in any after-school activities because I had to go straight home and do the work there. At 16 I started working full-time while attending high school so that I could contribute financially to the household. I've been supporting myself since with many years of working two jobs to make ends meet. The idea of forcing a schedule on myself now so that I won't be bored makes me laugh hysterically! I'm no freakin' fool! :laff:
I enjoy having some of the kids on the block over to play with my dogs and watch movies occasionally and I see that as a good contribution to the world. It gives their parent a nice break and gives the kids a sense of being valued. DH has a much greater need to feel engaged with the world at large than I do. He has been very active for decades in our neighborhood association and I support him in that but have no real desire to be as active in it as I used to be. I don't fear that my brain will atrophy because I have walls of books available and there's tons of stuff to learn about online if I desire it. And I guess I don't have any great desire to feel "relevant." :) I really feel that there is a season to everything and this is my season of rest. My Autumn, because here in Cali we don't really get winter - it's going to be in the 80's this week! Winters here are quite active for me because the weather is beautiful for working outside. It's quite possible that in my 60's and beyond I will be a frenzy of activity! :D Or not. I'm okay either way. :)
On Sunday I spent a couple of hours hard pruning my wall of jasmine and it felt like 15 minutes. I was surprised to see that I'd given myself the beginning of a callous from the pruners and my bicep/tricep area was sore as well. I had so much fun! Then I sat in the sun and gave all three of my pets a good long brushing, which they loved. Happiness all around.
I think there's more of a correlation between life satisfaction and health than other factors (see the Roseto effect). I'm almost never bored, and I'm generally content with my lot.
"The idea of forcing a schedule on myself now so that I won't be bored makes me laugh hysterically! I'm no freakin' fool!"
That made me laugh out loud. I'm with you, sister!
I became a caretaker as soon as I could function (8 kids in the family with 2 of them disabled). At 7 I was picking up the younger kids from the babysitter on my way home from school and taking care of them until the evening when my mother came home tired from her long day at a sweat shop. By 11 I was cooking full meals for a family of 10 and doing laundry, cleaning, babysitting, etc... I was attending parent/teacher conferences, helping kids with homework, ironing, changing diapers, etc... I could never participate in any after-school activities because I had to go straight home and do the work there. At 16 I started working full-time while attending high school so that I could contribute financially to the household. I've been supporting myself since with many years of working two jobs to make ends meet. The idea of forcing a schedule on myself now so that I won't be bored makes me laugh hysterically! I'm no freakin' fool! :laff:
I totally understand. I had a similar load of responsibilities for three decades. My dog died 2 years ago, and now I don't even want the responsibility of taking care of a dog. I think that's why I have taken to gardening. I'll do plants. That's about all the responsibility I want these days.
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