View Full Version : How much parenting in this situation?
So my 25 year old just found her boyfriend of over a year cheated on her for six weeks. Of course, I don't want her to go back to him, but she might. Madly in love. He is actively trying to get her to stay with him, very apologetic, etc. but how much could you ever trust him? Besides telling her that she is cute, smart, accomplished, and there are lots of other fish in the sea...should I/we be done? My dh is hesitant to say anything...he did say "it's all about trust" and sort of left it hanging there. Am I done other than listening? (Thanks, I need some outside, unbiased advice). And we are very close and talk a lot....As a mom, it's so hard to watch her be indecisive.
So my 25 year old just found her boyfriend of over a year cheated on her for six weeks. Of course, I don't want her to go back to him, but she might. Madly in love. He is actively trying to get her to stay with him, very apologetic, etc. but how much could you ever trust him? Besides telling her that she is cute, smart, accomplished, and there are lots of other fish in the sea...should I/we be done? My dh is hesitant to say anything...he did say "it's all about trust" and sort of left it hanging there. Am I done other than listening? (Thanks, I need some outside, unbiased advice). And we are very close and talk a lot....As a mom, it's so hard to watch her be indecisive.
It is heartbreaking to watch our kids go through such stuff but important for their secure future.
There are books such as "5 Love languages" by a psycholgist and pastor, Gary Chapman, who has helped people with just such issues. I like it because it helps one work out the understanding of issues for one's self. It is such a popular and helpful book that even my local bookstore always keeps 2-3 copies on hand. Being blindly and deeply in love lasts about 2 years, if I remember correctly, then true longlasting love (or not) is made clear by one's behaviour. He talks about so many scenarios and how to approach them.
So my 25 year old just found her boyfriend of over a year cheated on her for six weeks. Of course, I don't want her to go back to him, but she might. Madly in love. He is actively trying to get her to stay with him, very apologetic, etc. but how much could you ever trust him? Besides telling her that she is cute, smart, accomplished, and there are lots of other fish in the sea...should I/we be done? My dh is hesitant to say anything...he did say "it's all about trust" and sort of left it hanging there. Am I done other than listening? (Thanks, I need some outside, unbiased advice). And we are very close and talk a lot....As a mom, it's so hard to watch her be indecisive.
LISTEN LISTEN LISTEN. Saying anything against him pits you against him. If she chooses to stay and work things through, you could be "the bad guy". As much as it causes you pain and anger with him, you obviously value your relationship with your daughter very much so put that first.
Be her soft place to fall. "I can't tell you what to do but I can love you and be here for you always". Remember that one of our female communication patterns is that we want to be listened to. We don't necessarily want our problems solved for us. And when the men in our lives jump to fix-it, it pisses us off! (often).
No, I'm not a Mom. But as the kid, with friends who've been there, this is what they wanted. And when they stay and work it out, in the back of their mind lives forever, that Mom did not approve.
You may not be a mom, Gardnr, but you give good advice.
My DD has had so many "adventures" with boyfriends, both good and bad, and I hope I've been successful at following Gardnr's advice.
razz, are you suggesting I tell her about the book? It sounds appropriate, that's for sure. And Gardner, thanks for the reminder to not bad mouth the guy. And Listen, which we have been doing....then she quit talking. Just found out my husband wants to tell her that the guys he has known that cheated, seemed to do it more than once....Is that going to turn her away? Does she need to hear that. Dad is super involved, but doesn't give much advice, so when he says something it is impactful and she loves him to death. He wasn't going to frame it as advice, but just say that thought, which he believes, out loud. Too much???
I would read the book myself and see what you feel about her readiness for its guidance. Your DH needs to be the man in her life that simply loves her and reminds her of how special and wonderful she is for now. He is probably struggling with strong protective emotions as well as you.
I have found in myself and my family that strong emotional situations shut down rational thinking due to the amygdala in one's brain.WE have the reptilian level with fight and flight; the limbic level with all the emotions and then the neocortex for rational thought. The amygdala is between the limbic and neocortex. Talking through the emotion really does help until things calm down for rational thinking. Both you and your DH can help her through this by your listening as Gardnr said.
Sounds like she quit talking because she already knows what she is going to do. A lot of us have been there, it wasn't fatal. It is a good lesson in finding out where you will draw a hard line and what your negotiables are when tested.
I wouldn't bring it up. If she does I would listen and only offer sympathy. Advice becomes very dicey when it goes in the opposite direction of what their heart wants.
Is she asking for your advice?
Not right now because she lives in another city. But she could very well call soon. She came home for a few days, and talked about it, gave details, cried, etc. We just hung out with her and tried to be there. I was just discussing the situation with my husband and we have since remembered that he didn't even stop seeing this girl of his own volition, but because she found out he had a girlfriend. He hid texts, lied, cheated for several weeks, etc. It was very manipulative. Hard to watch. I will listen, for sure. Maybe if she gets back together with him, ugh, she will see things from a different perspective and realize how different things are this time around. Thanks all for your words of wisdom. Much appreciated. Feel free to throw out any more thoughts...
Not right now because she lives in another city. But she could very well call soon. She came home for a few days, and talked about it, gave details, cried, etc. We just hung out with her and tried to be there. I was just discussing the situation with my husband and we have since remembered that he didn't even stop seeing this girl of his own volition, but because she found out he had a girlfriend. He hid texts, lied, cheated for several weeks, etc. It was very manipulative. Hard to watch. I will listen, for sure. Maybe if she gets back together with him, ugh, she will see things from a different perspective and realize how different things are this time around. Thanks all for your words of wisdom. Much appreciated. Feel free to throw out any more thoughts...
I think that being supportive and just listening is great advice, but at the same time we should remind our daughters of their worth--they do not deserve to be treated badly. I remember one "bad" boyfriend I had who showed up when he wanted and one time when my mother caught me crying because he stood me up, she got really frustrated and said, "Christ, [catherine], you're settling for crumbs when you deserve the whole cake."
I never forgot that. I can't say it helped me get over that situation, but it did ring a bell in the back of my mind as a reference when I dated other people.
happystuff
3-10-20, 7:41am
catherine, I totally agree with the "self-worth" aspect in this situation. And love what your mom said!!!
Paige - is your dd afraid to be without this guy or is she afraid to be "alone"? If/when she can answer that question honestly, she should be able to figure out what to do. I also agree - be supportive. It is her life to live and her decisions to make.
It's hard being a parent!!! Hugs to you as well!
Update: First of all, it was great to have a place to ask for unbiased, thoughtful advice. Thank you so much. We called her and asked if we could check in. I first asked her if she was single and she said she wasn't sure. Long story, but we proceeded to tell her basically "she was settling for crumbs." My husband surprised me and talked to her about the guys he knew that cheated on their wives/girlfriends and never really stopped. He kept going about how she deserved more, and it wasn't her fault. And we addressed the fact that this was 6 weeks and not just a one night stand. Also, we preceded everything with this is about you and you are strong and loved and capable and we feel like we need to say this, but we will support you no matter what. You guys were right on and we felt really good about the conversation and she was very open to hearing from us. There's more, but suffice it to say, it went well. I noticed that she took all of his pictures off of her instagram, so there's that, for whatever it's worth! Again, I appreciate your words of wisdom.
happystuff
3-12-20, 8:01am
Best of luck to her!!
truepeacenik
3-25-20, 3:14pm
Update: First of all, it was great to have a place to ask for unbiased, thoughtful advice. Thank you so much. We called her and asked if we could check in. I first asked her if she was single and she said she wasn't sure. Long story, but we proceeded to tell her basically "she was settling for crumbs." My husband surprised me and talked to her about the guys he knew that cheated on their wives/girlfriends and never really stopped. He kept going about how she deserved more, and it wasn't her fault. And we addressed the fact that this was 6 weeks and not just a one night stand. Also, we preceded everything with this is about you and you are strong and loved and capable and we feel like we need to say this, but we will support you no matter what. You guys were right on and we felt really good about the conversation and she was very open to hearing from us. There's more, but suffice it to say, it went well. I noticed that she took all of his pictures off of her instagram, so there's that, for whatever it's worth! Again, I appreciate your words of wisdom.
no matter how this shakes out, both of you did a fabulous job in relaying information.
If your area has shelter in place orders he should be staying away from her and all the others he strings along. Silver lining. I wonder what all the players do now that they can't meet people at bars, parties, etc.
mschrisgo2
3-25-20, 9:16pm
I wonder what all the players do now that they can't meet people at bars, parties, etc.
They are all busy online. My daughter told me she’s gotten a whole bunch of messages from a dating site that she’d forgotten about, it’s been at least 4 years since she was active on it. It shows approximate date of when the person last logged in- some pretty desperate dudes out there right now.
Yppeg, funny that you said they should be quarantining. Well, I just found out today that she is still seeing him. She is seeing a therapist, so that's good, and she knows it is a bad time to have a break up and she has tried 3 times to break up with him, but she has been seeing him. I avoided asking for a long time, but today I asked her what their status was because she blocked me on a "story" on Facebook which my niece saw. She can't decide if she will stay with him, but her therapist asked her "why do you think you have to make a decision right now." I still feel the same and I am super bummed that she is still seeing him. Six weeks of cheating is such a breach of trust it kills me. I said 'it must be hard to break up with someone during a pandemic....you can't even go flirt with someone." She acknowledged that was correct and then hemmed and hawed about the whole thing. I didn't give any advice or any comments, other than above. The only thing I can think of that I could remind her, so that she doesn't drive herself back to him is that the pandemic WILL end at some point. And she did tell me she still loved him. So ugh. Just venting, inviting comments, I don't know what I want, but I know she deserves better. She will always remember this betrayal. She is a worrier, too, so I know this will affect her long term. BUT.....trying to lay low. Thanks for listening!
So the more I think about it, what Happystuff asked makes sense: is your dd afraid to be without this guy or is she afraid to be "alone"? Should I ask her that?
Paige, does she feel responsible for him, for fixing him, helping him? Emotions are such complicated things that often, we have no idea what is driving our own or another's choices. The therapist will hopefully sort out this aspect. Does she need to be needed and therefore more easily manipulated? Keep supporting her as you have been doing as she goes through (she will get through!) this relationship. Do not let her feel or become isolated. Love her and remind her of her many strengths and all the activities that she is doing well in her life.
I don't think she wants to fix him, but they truly do get along well and she loves the outdoors, sports, camping, etc. and so does he. I am sure that he is a beggar, schmoozer, apologist, crier, etc. and has done all these things to get her back. He is very charming and is giving it his all. Since she is a worrier, I know she would always have this 6 week episode in her mind. Thank you for the reminder not to let her feel isolated. This was the first time that she admitted she is feeling lonely. I may encourage her brother, her cousin, and her aunt to also reach out, but not tell her it's a directive from me. We can also drive to her apt. (an hour away) and do some parking lot lunches. Thank you so much.
Hmmm... we also realized that we consider her a "rock." Super stable, independent, lots of friends, etc. so I think we did leave her alone (so as not to be pushy parents) and we didn't realize that she was lonely and her brother will also be reaching out and seeing her as they live in the same city. We will see her this weekend. All these eyes are helping so much. So great to have a different perspective. Thanks!
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