My Friends Are Dying.

[Teacher Terry]

I really thought this happened to people much older. I have now lost 5 friends to cancer in their 60’s. The latest was a black belt in excellent shape. Fell and his back pain wouldn’t go away. He had stage 4 cancer and is dead 40 days later. It’s so depressing.

[frugal-one]

I'm so sorry to hear this. My condolences.

[Tradd]

So sorry to hear this.

[KayLR]

Hugs, Terry...Im noticing more people my age in the obits. Not a good feeling. Losing a friend is tough, esp. if you've known them since childhood.

[Tybee]

That is terrible, Terry. I am so sorry.

[ApatheticNoMore]

:(

[sweetana3]

Over 40% of all cancer deaths are in the 50-69 year old age group. According to the statistics, it does look like the % in that age group has lowered since the 90s as people have survived longer. Still the % is pretty meaningless when it is friends and relatives.




https://ourworldindata.org/cancer#:~:text=Cancer%20deaths%20by%20age,-How%20are%20cancer&text=Almost%20half%20%E2%80%93%2046%25%20in%202017 %20%E2%80%93%20of%20all%20people%20who,are%20older %20than%2050%20years.

[rosarugosa]

I'm sorry, Terry.

[happystuff]

I'm so sorry, Terry.

[iris lilies]

Ugh. Yes it is true, people our age,Terry, aren’t supposed to be dying right and left.

[SteveinMN]

My condolences, Terry. It's terrible to lose friends (and family!) to cancer, especially the kinds that move so fast.

[catherine]

Terry, so sorry to hear about your friends. It's so hard to lose friends, and at our age, it's just going to get harder. I remember seeing an interview with Ryan O'Neal and Ali McGraw just a few years ago, and the interviewer asked how they would define getting older. Ali McGraw said "sad." I think she meant that losses happen more regularly. We spend half our lives building, building and then the tearing down begins.

I have noticed that my rural Vermont friends have had a very high rate of cancer! One of my neighbors had his brother and father die of cancer, another neighbor just found out her father (75) has cancer, my other neighbor's daughter (30s) has cancer, and her husband's ex-wife (50s) has cancer. It seems to be an almost Erin-Brockovich-high rate of cancer among two families. I actually looked up SuperFund sites to see if there were any documented polluted areas in central VT.

Cancer is getting easier to beat, though, which is the positive thing, and I'm sure it will continue to do so.

[JaneV2.0]

Loss is inevitable as we age--loss of friends and relatives, loss of abilities one by one.
"Sad" sums it up succinctly.

[Teacher Terry]

His family has had so much loss. I am best friends with his sister and she lost her 19 year old daughter 8 years ago to a rare liver disease. My friend and her brother are extremely close and as couples we did lots of things together. His mom is still alive and no one should lose a child yet this family has twice. Sad about sums it up.

[Geila]

Sorry to hear this, TT. That's hard.

Dh and I will probably be part of the early death group. All four of our parents died young; youngest was 47, and oldest 66 although his life was very difficult the last 15 years of his life due to stomach cancer and heart disease (8/10th's of stomach taken out at 52 and quadruple bypass at 61). And we never knew any of our grandparents. So we're trying to live with that awareness.

One of our good neighbors just died at 63 of cancer. He was one year away from retirement when he got it and he did all the treatments, chemo/radiation, but didn't make it. He was a vibrant, robust, and happy man. Very involved in his church and community. It's been very hard on his widow. They had so many plans for retirement. We've seen her decline as well, from the loss. We've tried to be there for them, we've known them for many years, they were at our wedding, but I don't think there's much anyone can do to ease the pain.

Very sad. And we're all going to go through it. No way around it.

[catherine]

One of our good neighbors just died at 63 of cancer. He was one year away from retirement when he got it and he did all the treatments, chemo/radiation, but didn't make it. He was a vibrant, robust, and happy man. Very involved in his church and community. It's been very hard on his widow. They had so many plans for retirement. We've seen her decline as well, from the loss.

If we are the surviving spouse, how do we cope? I know there are a few regular posters here who have sadly lost their spouses/partners--how did you make it through? My aunt lost her husband of over 55 years and she declined rapidly also, physically and mentally. He had been her raison d'être, so do you fare better if you have had your own career? If you had fairly independent married lives? I feel DH and I are pretty intertwined. As different as we are, those differences enhance each others' lives and frankly, I am afraid that if I'm the surviving spouse I'm going to have a rough go.

[Teacher Terry]

When my husband has been gone for 2 weeks despite planning things with friends it gets lonely. I love to do spontaneous things and that would end. My husband would be in worse shape because he doesn’t have a lot of friends. I had all 4 of my grandparents until I was 17. My aunt is still alive at 95.

[iris lilies]

I take my marriage relationship for granted. If he died I would have a big realization moment. It would not be pretty.

[early morning]

TT, I am so sorry. Loss, though inevitable, is so very hard. Thinking of you/your friends/their families....

[pinkytoe]

I have been with DH since we were 20 and except for a few brief months before that have never lived on my own. It is one of my reasons for moving back to familiar territory and making stronger connections. I have made some friends here through book and garden club but with the virus those have shrunk away. Either one of us will have a very scary hard time trying to figure out how to live alone.

[Gardnr]

I really thought this happened to people much older. I have now lost 5 friends to cancer in their 60’s. The latest was a black belt in excellent shape. Fell and his back pain wouldn’t go away. He had stage 4 cancer and is dead 40 days later. It’s so depressing.

I hear ya Terry. My 51yo cousin was having a bit of respiratory distress June 1. Long story short, she has ovarian carcinoma that has metastasized to her liver (too many tumors to count), lung-severe dyspnia, brain-2 good size tumors. She is on palliative chemo and won't see Christmas.:(

And a friend of mine in DC died this morning-the rehab facility she was in couldn't manage her CHF. Totally sucks!

[SteveinMN]

I think it would be easier for DW and me. Not easy, but easier. We remarried at 50 after years of living on our own. We realize that, marrying as late as we did, it's almost certain one of us will be going on without the other at some point. I don't believe that's something people think about when they marry at 20 or 30; the horizon simply is too far away. We'd miss each other terribly in that situation, but we would know we've survived and even prospered after the end of earlier relationships, so it might not be quite so much of a blow.

[Teacher Terry]

Thanks everyone for being so honest!

[happystuff]

If we are the surviving spouse, how do we cope? I know there are a few regular posters here who have sadly lost their spouses/partners--how did you make it through?

From my own experience of the death of a very close one, I would say you don't "get through it", you don't "get over it". Rather, you learn how to live with it; and the "how" changes all the time. It is not a do and done type of thing, it's continuous. Even years later, the loss is there - sometimes as fresh as yesterday, sometimes a memory.

Hugs, TT.

[frugal-one]

I have been with DH since we were 20 and except for a few brief months before that have never lived on my own. It is one of my reasons for moving back to familiar territory and making stronger connections. I have made some friends here through book and garden club but with the virus those have shrunk away. Either one of us will have a very scary hard time trying to figure out how to live alone.

Same here. Married DH at age 20. Only time on my own was for 10 weeks. I think DH would be much more capable to be on his own. I was just commenting that I don't even know how to start the lawnmower. I know I would definitely have to move.

[Gardnr]

We married days after we turned 19. Just had our 40th anniversary. It will be awful if we don't go out together. I will say, I am likely to be more resilient than hubster. I've already weathered the burial of Dad, Mom, Brother and BIL. I spent a LOT of time with my sister (flew out every 5w for 5 months) as she came to grips with Larry's death and began to forge a life alone. I've always done our finances and they are as consolidated as possible in our current state. I require that hubster catch up a few times a year. He knows where ALL the info and passwords live.

I shudder at the thought. When Dad died Mom said, "we have talked about it. We always knew one of us had to be first." So I certainly have a strong example.

[Tybee]

Gardner, in my experience, folks like you and your husband usually go within a few weeks/months of each other--that happened with my husband's grandfather, who at his grandmother's funeral, said to the gravedigger, Well, I will see you in a year.

That happened with my grandparents and great grandparents. I think it's a sign of true love.

[sweetana3]

Neither my parents or my husband's parents or either sets of grandparents fell into this. My dad and my husband's mom lived for many years after their spouse died. In fact, my dad remarried after a 61 year marriage and my husband's mom is still alive. Both sets were married 61 years. Just shows how anecdotal info leads to a potentially erroneous assumption about the statistics.

Sure it might be nice to think so but the overwhelming number of residents in old age homes of all kinds are widows and a few widowers.

[Tybee]

Good point. I guess I'm feeling sentimental, as today is my mom and dad's 69th wedding anniversary, and Gardner's post made me think of how often (at least in the old days, it was a commonly discussed phenomenon) spouses died close together in time.

[Rachel]

Dear Terry, I'm so sorry for all your losses. The grief we feel when we lose someone is the price we pay for caring and loving others. It can be a heavy price.

As I get older I feel these losses as well. I really hear you!

[nswef]

Grief is cumulative I think. I had a counselor who told me on the death of my good friend that every death after that re opens the grief...I've thought of that often as my friend died by suicide 26 years ago and there have been many deaths since then. Many too soon, some after dreadful pain and suffering, some unexpected. Not one is easy. It's the price of loving and I'm glad I knew them all. So, hang on Terry, it doesn't get easier, but you do get through it.

[Teacher Terry]

The hardest death was my best friend’s 19 year old daughter. My parents were much easier because my mom was 89 and suffering. My dad was only 73 but he suffered for 14 years. I was really close to both of them. It seems worse when people die younger.

[Teacher Terry]

I am updating this thread because a good friend of mine died this morning. It’s funny because she also worked for the state and I never liked her. Then she became my secretary and we became great friends. She doggie sat for me and we did fun things. Our friendship continued after she retired. She died from lung cancer and was 70. A few days before my high school friend called and her last sibling out of 3 died. I read recently that life expectancy is going down.

[iris lilies]

I am updating this thread because a good friend of mine died this morning. It’s funny because she also worked for the state and I never liked her. Then she became my secretary and we became great friends. She doggie sat for me and we did fun things. Our friendship continued after she retired. She died from lung cancer and was 70. A few days before my high school friend called and her last sibling out of 3 died. I read recently that life expectancy is going down.

I’m sorry to hear this. I’ve honestly not lost friends although we have lost close acquaintances. But our time is coming as we age

[happystuff]

My condolences, TT.

[razz]

My condolences.
Coping with another's death is challenging especially when it is more than one happening in a short time.
After going through my DH's passing, when friends now age and pass away I have the feeling that they are going ahead and continuing their journey as is my DH. I do miss these dear ones but the grief is not there anymore. It feels more like when my kids grew up and moved on with their lives.
Don't know if that thought helps you.

That said, I am distressed when the passing is totally unexpected such as a child's death or an accident.

[pinkytoe]

I keep wondering how it will feel when my two older brothers die since they are both in their late 70s. I lost my youngest brother when he was 31 and wonder often what it would be like if he were still around to witness our crazy world since we were best friends. Losing friends and family to finality is trying for sure. But then I think, peace at last.

[Teacher Terry]

Pinky, my siblings are 72 and 75 but we aren’t close at all anymore. It’s sad that your brother died at 31.

[Tybee]

I'm so sorry about your friend, Terry. What a terrible day to die.

[rosarugosa]

I'm so sorry, Terry. 2021 was a real year of death for us, too. Within a 3-week period in March, we had to euthanize our cat Silvio, our 39-YO niece died in a MVA (mother to 4 young children), and then my MIL died. In Nov, our close family friend who was my mother's best friend died of cancer. Most recently, a 39-YO woman who was part of the extended family circle and good friend of my BIL was killed by a pickup truck while she was riding her bicycle home from work. We didn't know her well, but she left 2 kids behind and it was quite tragic and unexpected. She was very close to those who were already deeply impacted by our niece's death.

[catherine]

I’m sorry to hear this. I’ve honestly not lost friends although we have lost close acquaintances. But our time is coming as we age

Terry, so sorry for your loss.

My high school best friend died last spring from cancer. We had lost touch years ago, but it was still a shock. She and I were inseparable in high school.

After she died, the organizers of our high school reunion passed around a list of all the people in my class who are now deceased, and it was a long list--I would say 25% of my class.

Most recently, last week, I lost one of my favorite aunts--one of a triumvirate of female aunt elders I looked up to tremendously. She was 97 so she lived a long life, but now I only have one surviving aunt left of the threesome. It does rattle me a little. Because they were all so kind, good, loving, and accomplished, I feel like once my Aunt Marge is gone, it will be my job to carry their banner for my children and grandchildren. A daunting responsibility.

[rosarugosa]

I'm sorry about your Aunt, Catherine.

[Tybee]

Me too, Catherine, that is very hard, especially this time of year

[Teacher Terry]

Wow Catherine a fourth of your class dead is huge. Rosa, it’s especially sad when younger people die especially with kids at home.